In brief, my situation is a rishta rejection from a guy who I genuinely felt was ‘the one’ in the moment. I have dated guys before for lengthy periods of time, however this was something completely different. I only spoke to him for one hour, when our families met, and everything seemed to be absolutely amazing. 2 days later, I get told he has “had to” say no due to our family class differences (mine are supposedly too high for his) and that I am more educated than him, currently studying my masters whereas he has no degree (not at all an issue for me), and he felt he couldn’t meet my demands in the future. All perfectly valid reasons, in their own right, to say no however I felt there was more between us. I feel as though this rejection shows that he has judged me on something that isn’t entirely true as he felt I am more pretentious than I am and that this perception of me is all wrong. I am not a demanding individual and would accept whatever we could have together and build a future together. I know this may sound like a silly fantasy but it is the truth, I feel couples build their lives together - not one man providing fro the wife forever. I don’t know where this came from as when we were speaking I felt that we were both on the same level. He came across as supportive of me completing my masters. Maybe, well clearly, it was just me who felt that there was something between us and I now am seriously struggling to get over the idea of him and the loss of him. It has been a month since I met him and it has been horrible. I feel like I will never get closure.
Any advice on how to get over this would be greatly appreciated.
I am in two minds now of whether to attempt to continue to block this out, or to message him in a couple of weeks if my thoughts continue to ask him to speak to me off the record to gain closure on this. I do not want to come across as desperate and have never put myself in a situation of contacting a guy first ever before, but I guess there may always have to be a first time. Any thoughts on this will be gladly received.
Did he know about your class and education before meeting you? If so, then there may have been another reason and this was just said to cover things up.
If not, I think we all have the right to choose someone who we want to spend our life with. I think most girls would be okay with a guy who is finding his way through and would want to grow with him and support him every step of the way. What I’ve learned is that guys don’t always feel the same. A guy feels most comfortable getting into a committed relationship and even think about marriage when he knows he can take care of his potential wife and give her the life she dreams of. He doesn’t have to have phD or make a million dollars a year but he wants to feel like he is needed.
Some guys are different and would be okay with their wife making more than them but this guy doesn’t seem that way. If he feels inferior to begin with then it will be very hard to have a fulfilling relationship with him. He will always feel down and depressed and that will have nothing to do with you. No amount of encouragement or support can help with this unless he is confident in himself. You will feel miserable the harder you try to make him ‘feel better’.
I don’t think you should chase after him or message him back. He’s made his decision and if he changes his mind he will contact you. Guys are often the pursuers so they know how to do it well. And you’ve only known him for a short duration. The person who makes your heart beat faster or you feel you have the best chemistry with isn’t always going to be the best husband. It takes a lot of work and mutual understanding to make marriage work.
The “he has ‘had to’ say no due to our family class differences (mine are supposedly too high for his) and that I am more educated than him, currently studying my masters whereas he has no degree (not at all an issue for me), and he felt he couldn’t meet my demands in the future” might or might not be the actual, true reasons but think about it, they had a month to think about it.
If you were in his place and you felt you had a true connection with a girl(the way you’re describing your feelings after talking with him for an hour) and this girl was all those things(more educated, higher class, etc), I don’t think any of that would’ve mattered if you as a guy really was feeling that “first love, wow I just have to have this girl” feeling. It’s like a mystery that you just have to solve or reading a book that is so engrossing that you just have to keep reading until you get to that final page and find out what happens. Isn’t that how that unreachable, unobtainable woman is, a guy just has to have her.
Don’t run after this guy. Yes one hour isn’t much time to get to know someone but unfortunately, he talked to you and saw your picture(i’m assuming photos were exchanged) and he thought you weren’t a match. If you so desperately want to still go after him, ask your parents to contact his parents to inquire yet again if a second phone conversation or personal meeting could be arranged. That’s just to satisfy that real need to find out the truth. I feel like it would be causing even more pain for you because the answer might not change even after a couple months since they seemed pretty firm.
Think of it this way why are the Mercedes-Benz and the Infinitis valued and people crave to own a car of that class that most people don’t have? That’s exactly the reason because most people can’t have such a high class car and because it is so expensive, it isn’t some cheap car that anybody can buy. I wish we women would act and value ourselves like we’re a Mercedes or an Infiniti and see that if a guy really sees the value in us and how incredible we are, he’s the one that would run after us and not the other way around. You have big ambitions, finishing your masters, pursue that and also work on other self improvement ideas so you’re keeping yourself busy and making yourself even more fabulous. Do whatever brings your self esteem up at this time, facials, pedicures, working out to get to that goal…whatever comes to your mind.
We’ve all been through something like this with a guy that we thought was just so perfect for us and we thought he felt the same way but then we get disappointed for expecting something that ended up not happening. It’s the same story of months go wasted. He has your phone number but he still hasn’t called. If he hasn’t called, he doesn’t want to call(i’m sorry that’s harsh but it just might be the reality check that you need). If a guy wants a girl and is interested, he’ll make the call, he’ll move mountains to make that girl his future wife.
I don’t think so it is a good idea to chase after this guy. This connection you felt in a fleeting moment, is just that. A fleeting moment sparked something temporary. You need to get over it and plan your life differently. It is never a good idea to marry a guy who is lesser than you in status, education level. I know this from observation of close relatives who did that and now the women are suffering.
Insecure men who can’t handle a strong independent woman and need to be breadwinners for sake of ego make worst husbands and fathers. Sometimes a fleeting physical attraction can lead to a lifetime of suffering. Good riddance.
I was just getting at the issue of self esteem and how you hold yourself up in high esteem and regard so the Kia seeing itself as a Lamborghini works during this recovery period.
I see heart pain recovery as how a human would recover from a long sickness. Time for the most part is the only thing that allows full recovery but the fact that we allow ourselves into these situations of heart pain has to do with our own self esteem. No?
Lack of self-awareness leads to devastating results on ones life, people should not over or underestimate their worth. We also should be pragmatic and a one hour talk session without any romance should not require any major recovery.
^You are right, because ‘logically’ it shouldn’t. One thing you are forgetting, that not everyone is the same, that’s why there’s people who are under the impression that all love needs is one first look. Love at first sight. For some, that lasts a lifetime. I am not saying this is love here, I know this is only a connection and she thinks he could be the one, because she has dated men who were not the marrying type perhaps. If they were, she would have been married by now. Maybe she needs to keep looking. Putting all her eggs in one basket isn’t a good idea, especially when that basket has a hole in it, and those eggs will drop and crack wide open.
In my single days if I was without a gf for a few months I would fall in love with a goat on first sight. When you are starving even leather tastes good. Love is built with years of dedications not by just looking at a person
Hye Bobby bhai, such such bataen, aapne ne total kitni GOATS ka ‘baladkaar’ i mean, chiky chiky bang bang kya hai? Was it only a she-goat? ya he-goat ko bhi nai chora? Allah, sachi sachi batayega plz
Ya, its def an excuse to cover up something else. To get over it, simple…find another guy. Keep your self busy with hobbies. That’s the only real way to get over someone. Keep your self busy with someone or something and over time you’ll stop thinking about them.
