How to forgive parents....

Lifestyle Relationships
1

hmm ok how do you forgive parents after an arranged marriage thats gone wrong. Ok bear with me while I try and explain myself.

I was told about a proposal from pakistan, I was told of all things that were not true by my parents who had been told be relos over in paki. When we got there my parents neglected to standup for me as they thought that whatever their elders had done was right. When I tried to speak to them about it my mother would start hitting herself or the walls and even me. I guess she was frustrated aswel as things were not working out as she had imagined. I was told that my elders knew better and I shut up because my parents were of ill health i am an only child and i did not want to be carrying them back home in a casket. I was told to stop and think about others and how i was ruining there trip. When I came back home all I heard was how bad my fiance was and how they had been duped and even on occasions kay is say to “bethar tha kay humari beti ghar say baag jaati.”

I had my nikah done and what frustrated me was that my parents did not back me up, my inlaws were very greedy and were not only concerned with the fact that how long my fiance would get his visa to come abroad but also whether and how much dowry my parents would be giving to my inlaws in pakistan even though we were going to be settling abroad. My nikah lasted a little over two years and all throughout all i heard was negative things by my parents towards my fiance and his family. Even though most of it was true I felt fine STEP IN AND GET ME OUT but they were too coward to.

Both of my parents have an image of being very mother thresa like to the world so i cannot talk to anyone. I later found out that my rishta was basically a basis of a business deal between my dad and my inlaws. I was never emotionally attached to my fiance. so when the business deal didn’t go as planned neither did my rishta. I was okay with the fact that i was not going to spend my life with this guy coz i felt i was never compatible with him in the first place but i did feel that i was betrayed by my parents. Its been nearly a year since my nikah ended but I still cannot get over that my parents did not back me up. I cannot leave them in their old age. But I have alot of resentment towards them and I have tended to have complete mental breakdowns on a number of occassions. (Espacially when its that time of the month). I accept that being an only child that i am also spoilt and just wanted my parents to focus on my needs, but i still need to get over the fact that I was betrayed.

So guys two questions:

  1. How do you learn to forgive parents and move on?
  2. How do spoilt children who suffer from only child syndrome accept the fact that you are not your parents first priority.

Sorry for the long post

2

Re: How to forgive parents....

You can seek professional help. Some counseling , some meeting with a psychologist. Specially when you feel that you are at the brink of having a mental breakdown . This the only way to get over it and overcome your anxiety. It will save you from having a nervous breakdown too.
If you for sure know none of that applies to you then only time will heal your wounds.

3

Re: How to forgive parents....

You need to develop strong friends that can advice and support you.
You also need to become financially independent.

I would also suggest you get a mental health consouler (don't think this as a negative) who is from the desi community and can provide you with mental support.

4

Re: How to forgive parents....

you forgive not for their sake as much as for your sake...close that chapter, clear your mind, move on and dont live in the past but look to the future. BUt dont forget lessons learnt..be strong, take control of your life and dont let them sacrifice you on the altar of their bad ideas

5

Zash01,

Children are supposed to be parents' top priority. And unfortunately, that was not the case in your situation. Your parents instead gave their business deal higher priority over YOU and YOUR WELL-BEING and HAPPINESS. And that was wrong of them.

I understand that its not healthy to keep grudges and especially toward the people that brought you into this world. Have you ever heard the saying, "Forgive, BUT don't FORGET?" Allah Miyan saved you from having to marry and live with a guy who is not good for you. Your parents might have had their own selfish intentions for a prosperous business deal.....BUT ALHUMDOLILLAH, Allah did not allow your parents' plans to become successful. So, Zash, forgive your parents for Allah's sake.But don't forget what happened......otherwise how will you be able to learn a lesson from your parents' mistakes? And the lessons you should learn are that:

1) Don't repeat the same mistakes that they made

2) Now that you have learned that your parents did not communicate with you openly and sincerely about a previous rishta.........THEN in the future you need to stand up for yourself. If the next rishta turns out to be incompatible, then have the courage to stand up for yourself and your life........if your parents have failto do so. God forbid, **if your parents weren't with you.....you'd have to make life's decisions **by yourself.

Take this bad experience and turn it into a LEARNING EXPERIENCE that has made you stronger and wiser. In my opinion that's a way to get over the negative feelings you are going through.

And the next time that your parents come up with an incompatible rishta that they BELIEVE is IN YOUR BEST INTEREST BECAUSE IT WAS CHOSEN BY ELDERS......... PLEASE remind your parents about their PREVIOUS DREADFUL MISTAKE!
**
Have you spoken to your parents about what happened? Have you tried sitting down and telling them how
1)** they pressured you into a match that was a business deal **

2)** they knew that the match was incompatible and complained about the guy, yet they did *NOTHING **to prevent it. *

3)** How everytime you tried to communicate your feelings about the rishta, you were prevented by the emotional blackmail of your mom hitting herself and the wall.

Try telling your parents how emotionally painful this whole situation is for you. Tell them how you feel. Tell them that next time, your input about a rishta needs to be taken into SERIOUS consideration without body/wall hitting **because you have **NO DESIRE **to go through the whole **drama again. I'm not saying that you should be rude to your parents. But sit down and talk to them **NICELY **about what you have been through and tell that what you expect for the future.

Parents can be good at emotional blackmail, courtesy of Indian movies! But trust me, most parents are not gonna DISOWN you if you go against their wishes. It's your basic Islamic right to find a spouse to your liking. And according to Islamic law, a nikkah is not valid unless the couple gives their mutual consent. I once read that a man came to the Prophet SAWS and complained that his daughter does not want to marry the man he has chosen for her and would rather marry someone else. And the Prophet SAWS told him (THE FATHER) to let his daughter marry the man of her choice instead of forcing her. I think sometimes parents wrongfully twist the **OBEY/RESPECT THY MOTHER AND FATHER command **to their advantage.

The last thing I'm going to say is that YOUR PARENTS CAN PRESSURE YOU AS MUCH AS THEY WANT WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL IN THE WORLD.......BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY................IT IS YOUR DECISION/CONSENT that determines everything. SO if you end up marrying a LOSER...........then keep in mind that YOU were the one who gave the consent........and you can't blame your parents for that......because regardless of all their pressure...........you always had the option to be equally stubborn, put your foot down and say NO!

6

Zash01,

Children are supposed to be parents' top priority. And unfortunately, that was not the case in your situation. Your parents instead gave their business deal higher priority over YOU and YOUR WELL-BEING and HAPPINESS. And that was wrong of them.

I understand that its not healthy to keep grudges and especially toward the people that brought you into this world. Have you ever heard the saying, "Forgive, BUT don't FORGET?" Allah Miyan saved you from having to marry and live with a guy who is not good for you. Your parents might have had their own selfish intentions for a prosperous business deal.....BUT ALHUMDOLILLAH, Allah did not allow your parents' plans to become successful. So, Zash, forgive your parents for Allah's sake.But don't forget what happened......otherwise how will you be able to learn a lesson from your parents' mistakes? And the lessons you should learn are that:

1) Don't repeat the same mistakes that they made

2) Now that you have learned that your parents did not communicate with you openly and sincerely about a previous rishta.........THEN in the future you need to stand up for yourself. If the next rishta turns out to be incompatible, then have the courage to stand up for yourself and your life........if your parents have failto do so. God forbid, **if your parents weren't with you.....you'd have to make life's decisions **by yourself.

Take this bad experience and turn it into a LEARNING EXPERIENCE that has made you stronger and wiser. In my opinion that's a way to get over the negative feelings you are going through.

And the next time that your parents come up with an incompatible rishta that they BELIEVE is IN YOUR BEST INTEREST BECAUSE IT WAS CHOSEN BY ELDERS......... PLEASE remind your parents about their PREVIOUS DREADFUL MISTAKE!
**
Have you spoken to your parents about what happened? Have you tried sitting down and telling them how
1)** they pressured you into a match that was a business deal **

2)** they knew that the match was incompatible and complained about the guy, yet they did *NOTHING **to prevent it. *

3)** How everytime you tried to communicate your feelings about the rishta, you were prevented by the emotional blackmail of your mom hitting herself and the wall.

Try telling your parents how emotionally painful this whole situation is for you. Tell them how you feel. Tell them that next time, your input about a rishta needs to be taken into SERIOUS consideration without body/wall hitting **because you have **NO DESIRE **to go through the whole **drama again. I'm not saying that you should be rude to your parents. But sit down and talk to them **NICELY **about what you have been through and tell that what you expect for the future.

Parents can be good at emotional blackmail, courtesy of Indian movies! But trust me, most parents are not gonna DISOWN you if you go against their wishes. It's your basic Islamic right to find a spouse to your liking. And according to Islamic law, a nikkah is not valid unless the couple gives their mutual consent. I once read that a man came to the Prophet SAWS and complained that his daughter does not want to marry the man he has chosen for her and would rather marry someone else. And the Prophet SAWS told him (THE FATHER) to let his daughter marry the man of her choice instead of forcing her. I think sometimes parents wrongfully twist the **OBEY/RESPECT THY MOTHER AND FATHER command **to their advantage.

The last thing I'm going to say is that YOUR PARENTS CAN PRESSURE YOU AS MUCH AS THEY WANT WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL IN THE WORLD.......BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY................IT IS YOUR DECISION/CONSENT that determines everything. SO if you end up marrying a LOSER...........then keep in mind that YOU were the one who gave the consent........and you can't blame your parents for that......because regardless of all their pressure...........you always had the option to be equally stubborn, put your foot down and say NO!

Bangladesh - Pakistan Relationship
7

Zash - Forgetting what parents did is very difficult because we fully trust them and WANT to trust them. However, parents are very well known for emotional blackmails. Your mom blackmailed you - by hitting herself / the wall etc... so emotionally she had you in wraps. HOWEVER, you have come out STRONGER in this because you already knew it was not going to work out and you were READY to CALL IT OFF!! You were STRONGER and very much IN SENSE of what was going on. You had the ability to see through your in-laws and fiance!! That alone makes you a good decision maker. You were absolutely right that this relationship won't work. You were also ablsolutely right to let you parents help you GET OUT OF IT!!! Too bad - only YOU were STRONGER, not your parents. Too bad that you went through all of that even after knowing it won't work for you. I totally empatize with you.

Life hits you hard and takes you by surprise. For you, your parents were part of the surprise - that they let all of this happen. You must be feeling terrible. Good that you shared your story here, this allowed you to vent out in frustration. Do as mush talking here by sharing what you go through - each and every emotions. It will help you "get" your raw emotions out and help you heal.

You must understand that from now on you will - and ONLY - you will be the decision maker. Your life is not something your parents can experiment with - specially using their emotions to get you.

Be stronger because you know what you want. You are a mature person and you must be the sole decision maker. From now on you will be free to be your own and not let your parents BE.

8

Re: How to forgive parents....

I am so sorry for what you had to go through. I would second the suggestion of seeking counselling, it can help immensly in some situations. Also, if you are into the religious perspective, i would advise you to speak to an imam as well but only if you can find someone who can talk to you about it.

9

thanks for your input guys, greatly appreciate it.

I am booked in for some counselling in march hopefully it will help but i guess I was wanting to know if there were some other ways that i could forgive and forget.

You need to develop strong friends that can advice and support you.
You also need to become financially independent.

I would also suggest you get a mental health consouler (don't think this as a negative) who is from the desi community and can provide you with mental support.

Basically I have been an inoverted person from the begining. I have never had real friends. I am financially independant (Mashallah). With friends I feel my parents feel that any friends (I even felt with my fiance) distract me from them and that I guess it means that they might lose me.

you forgive not for their sake as much as for your sake...close that chapter, clear your mind, move on and dont live in the past but look to the future. BUt dont forget lessons learnt..be strong, take control of your life and dont let them sacrifice you on the altar of their bad ideas

I completely agree with you I need to let this go, but its difficult espacially when i go home and the only thing I have in common with them is Relo's, Religion. I feel that they don't take an interest in my life or my needs but I always have to be the one they want to talk to about whats happening in their families lives. I am not saying i am a saint everyone has faults and being an only child who is spoint doesn't help.

Zash01,

Children are supposed to be parents' top priority. And unfortunately, that was not the case in your situation. Your parents instead gave their business deal higher priority over YOU and YOUR WELL-BEING and HAPPINESS. And that was wrong of them.

I understand that its not healthy to keep grudges and especially toward the people that brought you into this world. Have you ever heard the saying, "Forgive, BUT don't FORGET?" Allah Miyan saved you from having to marry and live with a guy who is not good for you. Your parents might have had their own selfish intentions for a prosperous business deal.....BUT ALHUMDOLILLAH, Allah did not allow your parents' plans to become successful. So, Zash, forgive your parents for Allah's sake.But don't forget what happened......otherwise how will you be able to learn a lesson from your parents' mistakes? And the lessons you should learn are that:

1) Don't repeat the same mistakes that they made

2) Now that you have learned that your parents did not communicate with you openly and sincerely about a previous rishta.........THEN in the future you need to stand up for yourself. If the next rishta turns out to be incompatible, then have the courage to stand up for yourself and your life........if your parents have failto do so. God forbid, **if your parents weren't with you.....you'd have to make life's decisions **by yourself.

Take this bad experience and turn it into a LEARNING EXPERIENCE that has made you stronger and wiser. In my opinion that's a way to get over the negative feelings you are going through.

And the next time that your parents come up with an incompatible rishta that they BELIEVE is IN YOUR BEST INTEREST BECAUSE IT WAS CHOSEN BY ELDERS......... PLEASE remind your parents about their PREVIOUS DREADFUL MISTAKE!

Have you spoken to your parents about what happened? Have you tried sitting down and telling them how
1) they pressured you into a match that was a business deal

2) they knew that the match was incompatible and complained about the guy, yet they did **NOTHING **to prevent it.

3) How everytime you tried to communicate your feelings about the rishta, you were prevented by the emotional blackmail of your mom hitting herself and the wall.

Try telling your parents how emotionally painful this whole situation is for you. Tell them how you feel. Tell them that next time, your input about a rishta needs to be taken into SERIOUS consideration without body/wall hitting **because you have **NO DESIRE **to go through the whole **drama again. I'm not saying that you should be rude to your parents. But sit down and talk to them **NICELY **about what you have been through and tell that what you expect for the future.

Parents can be good at emotional blackmail, courtesy of Indian movies! But trust me, most parents are not gonna DISOWN you if you go against their wishes. It's your basic Islamic right to find a spouse to your liking. And according to Islamic law, a nikkah is not valid unless the couple gives their mutual consent. I once read that a man came to the Prophet SAWS and complained that his daughter does not want to marry the man he has chosen for her and would rather marry someone else. And the Prophet SAWS told him (THE FATHER) to let his daughter marry the man of her choice instead of forcing her. I think sometimes parents wrongfully twist the **OBEY/RESPECT THY MOTHER AND FATHER command **to their advantage.

The last thing I'm going to say is that YOUR PARENTS CAN PRESSURE YOU AS MUCH AS THEY WANT WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL IN THE WORLD.......BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY................IT IS YOUR DECISION/CONSENT that determines everything. SO if you end up marrying a LOSER...........then keep in mind that YOU were the one who gave the consent........and you can't blame your parents for that......because regardless of all their pressure...........you always had the option to be equally stubborn, put your foot down and say NO!

Thankyou greatly appreaciate your post. Communication doesn't work in my family because we end up yelling at one another, or it comes down to poor us if only if we had a son, things would not be this way. I spent the whole of last year being on the verge of suicide but the only thing in my way was that who would take care of my parents. It came to the fact when I told them that rather then support and comfort me through my divorce they were too busy saying it happens every one makes mistakes, everyone we know has a child who is divorced (HELLO I AM NOT HERE TO MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT PEOPLE). I feel that they will always talk negatively about anyone that i come close to with the fear of that they are losing me. I guess naturally i am the marrying type i always thought that i would marry early and end up with a huge family. Now that i know that my parents will not be happy with this i have told myself fine my first duty lies to my parents so i will look after them first and not get married. This was difficult espacially when all my clothes for my wedding are in my room and I look at them and can't wait to wear them. I used to cry when i hear that girls that i went to school with have 3 or four children. When I told my mum that that was the case i think she was relieved, she said that "ajj kal kay zamanay mai to ghar hi beti rahay to bethar hai" and she told everyone in the social group that "meri beti to ub shaadi kerna hi nahi chaati". I feel frustrated, because i want someone to tell me its okay, what happened in the past was in the past and the future will be better but it does not seem like it. When i approached my mom the very first time just asking that why are you doing my rishta here when you can clearly see that we are not compatible in any way or form. One of the things she said was "have you ever thought about what is going to happen to us." I can forgive them about picking the wrong guy thats fine as i have been told over and over it can happen to anyone. But I have trouble forgetting all the things that were said to me by my parents, although they were said in emotional circumstances when they thought that they were doing the right thing, they hurt they really hurt.............

10

I’m sorry about everything that’s happened and how your parents say one thing and then another. HUGS! :hugz:

I’m still single as well and I have friends that are married and have 1, 2, babies; they got married pretty early. Everyone’s kismat is different and I have hope, InshaAllah things in my life will fall into place. I think your mom is saying that “it’s better for girls to stay at home and be single” because deep down that’s her way of trying to escape from the mistake that she and your dad made because they’re guilty. Its easy to justify the outcomes of your mistakes by making silly generalizations and excuses…BUT it takes COURAGE to admit that you are wrong and then take the steps to do what is right. And your parents aren’t doing that. You might find a guy who will be a great son-in-law to your parents and will support and take care of them. Please b honest with your parents. Tell them that you WANT to get married and have a family of your own. It’s zulm for your mom to go around telling everyone that you don’t want to get married…because she never bothered to ask you how u feel.

I understand that you are introverted, but next time you are at a gathering or function, just give some of your friends (or girls your age) HINTS that you are looking to get married and that they should keep their EYES OPEN for a good guy fo ya. Have you tried talking to sincere relatives that can help you find a good rishta, perhaps some sincere aunts or cousins? Or maybe matrimonial sites? If your parents are not making the effort for a rishta search, then you’ll have to start on your own. MashaAllah your parents are so lucky to have such a loving and dutiful daughter in you. I only wish they would try to understand you. You can devote your whole life to looking after your parents…but what about you? Your natural needs? When your parents leave this world…who will you have of your own to fall back on? I understand that in your family it’s hard to communicate about issues because it results in fights. BUT at least make it clear to your parents that you want to get married. And if they refuse…what would happen if you were to say, “Okay, fine, if you refuse, then understand that I’ve supported you both because I love you. And i like most women have the desire to get married. And if u can’t show understanding/sensitivity toward that after what I was put through in the first place, then perhaps I should just leave and live on my own.” What would happen then? Some parents surrender to their children’s desperation. Maybe you should act like you’re not going to eat because of severe depressiona…and that’ll make them wake up and realize that you’re SERIOUS about getting married. I’ve seen kids PLAY DRAMAS of their own to get their parents to surrender. I’m not sure if that’s the best siolution…but can it hurt to try it out?

After all, you are the only daughter…wouldn’t they get upset if you “stoped eating” “started whithering away” “decided to move out”? It could make them melt and give in, who knows? Sometimes a little emotional blackmail of your own can help:) The only difference between your blackmail and your parents is that you’re doing it for good reason :wink: Just think about it. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

11

Re: How to forgive parents....

Zash, you need to forgive your parents and move past this. Go to your counseling appointment and talk your heart out. Until you forgive them, you wont be able to really be there for them. Your first priority is to make it out of this ordeal in a healthy way. And you will, Inshallah. :)

Some people might not agree with this advice but Im going to put it out there because I want to. Have you thought of meeting someone nice yourself to marry? You should consider making friends...regardless of how your parents feel about it. I grew up in the US and didnt have a single non-Muslim friend until college. I also didnt go to my Muslim friends' homes without my mom. Having friends was too stressful so I also thought about not even trying to have them. But how is that going to make my life any better? You neeeeeeeeed to make friends...at work...at the mosque...anywhere. Be social. Find local activities to participate in, take a class, do something aside from coming straight home from work and thinking about what is going on there.

As for your parents. Im one of 4 girls...there are no boys in my house either. And initially my parents panicked a lot when us girls started getting married. I could see it. But all they needed was reassurance that they will be taken care of. Make sure the man you marry understands your responsibility towards mom and dad. Its not hard to find either if you're upfront about it. My fiance was told since day 1 by me that no matter what happens, I share responsibility of my parents with my sisters and he cant stop me from helping them financially, emotionally, mentally, whatever way they need it. He knows and he actually helps me now...of course I have to do the same for him too.

I think you need to get out of the house more and meet people.

Inshallah, things will be fine.

12

[quote="PSquared, post:212, topic:187836"]

As for your parents. Im one of 4 girls...there are no boys in my house either. And initially my parents panicked a lot when us girls started getting married. I could see it. But all they needed was reassurance that they will be taken care of. Make sure the man you marry understands your responsibility towards mom and dad. Its not hard to find either if you're upfront about it. My fiance was told since day 1 by me that no matter what happens, I share responsibility of my parents with my sisters and he cant stop me from helping them financially, emotionally, mentally, whatever way they need it. He knows and he actually helps me now...of course I have to do the same for him too.

PSquared, I was thinking of giving the example of your parents finding a supportive son-in-law in your fiance..........but i didn't. I knew you'd share that and I'm glad you did. Zash needs to hear that from someone who's in a similar position! :)

13

Re: How to forgive parents....

I can sum it up for you in a few words. Might sound a bit harsh but it's the bitter truth.

This is life, deal with it.

p.s. Even if your parents kill you, forgive them.

14

zash i dont wana discourage u but i dont think you shouldnt go to a counselor

i never had a good experience with these counselors.....

they never understand our values and principle and nor they understand our culture so when i visited them for the problems between me and my mom ...... all she had to say that y dont i move out.....she started asking me irrelevent questions like why i dont have bf? and why i am still with my parents ......and told me that if i move out its best for me and for my mom
at that time i was unmarried ...

and not just that she would talk about all other personal stuff and make it sound like i am living in a jail and the my mom is my worst enemy and after we would leave their place we both would be so against each other that none of us wanted to talk to each other ...... i tried couple of different counselors but the result was same..... and its not like we only went there for 1st sessions we did attended couple of sessions but when i realized i am developing a feeling against my very own mother i stopped seeing them..... i never resolved those issue till when i got married now that i am actually married my mom understand what i ment but its too late for me.....

i am afraid when you gona come back from your counseling session he or she will make you believe that your parents are your worst enemy by playing with your life.... (i am not saying that they did a very nice thing)

i know how hard it is to blame them for your failed marriage..... i never told them but deep down i know if they had listened to some of my concerns and paid attention to what i was saying, my life would've been a bit different....

all i would tell you to either seek help from a counselor who is from the same background..... or just pray to God and get yourself busy....
enroll yourself into some course / take up extra shift at work.....
maksad hai ke busy ho jaho etna ke sochaine ka wakat hi na mela.... but that doesnt mean u forget what u have learnt....

15

Re: How to forgive parents....

i would like to add to what redvelvet said dont actually on a hunger strick.... remember there was a fellow guppy who was having problems convincing his mom abt this girl he liked.....

do what he did.... eat at work or while going home from work and when u go home jst pretend that u dont feel like eatinng lately....

i have tried that but never worked for me cuz ma mom is too smart....she always assumed that i ate something at the university and thats the reason i am not hungry ;) which was actually true..... and even when i never ate anything outside jst to prove ma point she still assumed that i did lolssss

yeh but dont tell ur mom that u dont wana get married..... i wouldnt encourage u to do that......

16

Re: How to forgive parents....

forgive parents? wow...someone please hold me! Even I'm not 100 % with my parents, but being superior over them, wow...that shocked me really!

17

i think you should do what redvelvet said "forgive your parents but do not forget". I get the feeling that your parents need reassurance from you that you will look after them and be there for them no matter what. I am/ can be an introvert at sometimes I personally found writing an anonymous blog somewhere helped me vent out any frustrations I have. You could seriously try that or when you look for a councillor like someone said look for a Asian one or someone who can understand you.

Try to remember that this is your life and only you can actively improve it. Sometimes we as people want other people to change, but their habits are so deeply set in their mindsets, that they can not or will not change. There is something I have learnt from my brother, he will never argues or talks back to my mum or dad he calmly listens to whatever they say, even if they are wrong he says nothing but he always does what he wants and never compromises. Try this out and be assertive. Do not give in when your parents emotionally blackmail you let them scream, shout etc but show indifference they will then know that you have learnt from your mistakes and they will not get what they want.

Also try to focus on you as a person join the gym, dance classes, yoga etc to meet new people and gain confidence. Also tell aunties and friends that you want to get married and DO NOT back away from this no matter what your parents say. So insallah word will get around you are looking for someone and hopefully some aunty or friend can and will introduce you to a nice guy and your dream of marriage will be fulfilled.

18

I totally know how you feel. I had my nikkah done under similar crazy circumstances. Mine lasted 4 years and there was no support from anyone. I was on the edge of a breakdown for a very long time but still I somehow managed to finish my Masters degree, find a good job and all that. I really tried hard to be positive and I must say that Allah really helped me in strengthening my Imaan!! However all these negative feelings towards my ‘in-laws’ and even my own family impacted my health badly.

My only friend whom I trusted in a lot had let me down and shattered my trust so I got more and more introvert. It was only after I got married again and my SIL was difficult that I just couldn’t take it anymore from anyone and decided to go for counselling. It has been a great help for me. I have just talked and talked and really felt that the bitterness was going away. I have been very disappointed with my parents but somehow been able to “rationalize” that. Cuz I saw how my parents’ family took over in Pakistan and even blackmailed my parents and siblings emotionally.

I guess no matter what you do, somewhere deep down those feelings would still wake up..like they are doing now when typing all this eventhough the nikkah and later divorce happened many many years back.
Alhamdulillah I am so glad that the period is over. It was just a hard phase of my life!!!

I have learnt a lot from that and will carry the learnings along in my married life now.

I suggest that you go for counselling but do be careful. I went to someone who tried to impose her Buddhist values on me criticizing Islamic family models while I was able to ignore those comments. I always tried to relate all her spiritual related comments to my knowledge of Islam which helped me gaining more patience with people around me.

Sometimes I feel like going back to her again. Just to talk all the negative stuff away but its just a struggle again to listen to a Buddhist critising Islam when your actual purpose is just councelling and not a Religion-comparison class! :D

Anyways, just to let you know, you were lucky that you got out of it. It was only 2 years of your life and you have your life ahead of you to meet a good guy. Believe me, Allah gives us what we ask Him for. Ask Him for help and He will help you. Pray that you find a good guy who will take care of you:)

But remember that it takes 2 to make a marriage work and you will only be able to give in a relationship when you are mentally stable and positive towards life and people. So try to forget what happened. Do remember the learnings you got from the whole experience, i.e how much can you trust your parents and others, how much to rely on parents when it comes to finding a partner for you etc.. You are already giving their opinions much more importance that you perhaps should – no offence to your parents, but you need to start living your own life, get friends and enjoy life within the limits of your values.

I hope that things get better for you:)

19

That was such an emotional and sad story, very depressing.

I wouldn't know what to do, but some of the replies about this are worth trying.

All I can say is I understand what you're going through. I've had a terrible marriage with my cousin, though it finally ended in 2004, I still become sad and angry sometimes thinking about some of the things that had happened.
I have anger towards my parents. They wouldn't even let me divorce my cousin, so I ran away (to a womens shelter) with my children. My Dad even said he'd kill me when I ran away. I can't get over the anger I have when I think about everything my parents did and what my inlaws did and how the rest of the family made things worse. Your situation isn't exactly the same, but I too had to marry someone I didn't even like and I too wasn't allowed to refuse him. And listening to my parents gave me many problems too.

I noticed I even hate my parents, very often I still hate them. I know it's bad in Islam, but I can't seem to get over my hatred for them. For the sake of Islam, I did try to have a normal relationship with them, but I just can't. The anger, the sadness, the hatred even won't go away.

I'm afraid I can't advice about how to forgive your parents. I'm still struggling with that problem myself. I want to say something to make you feel better and help you to solve everything, but there isn't much I can say about this.

One of the things I've learnt from my problems is, that you have to talk about them. I couldn't talk about mine, I didn't want to think about the sad and some terrible things that had happened. So I didn't talk about my problems, I tried to live on as if nothing had happened to me.

Don't do that. It will eat you from inside. I did that. But that makes things worse. Years later the memories of what happened back then, still trouble me sometimes, because I had kept everything inside and tried to live on without any healing process. Try to find someone you can trust and who can understand you. Talking about it will help you to understand things better and to relax and maybe to let go a few issues. Insha Allah everything will be better for you.

20

Re: How to forgive parents....

Zash my dear - forgiving you parents is probably the first step you need to do to start over. Parents are human - they make mistakes.

You also need to take control of you life. If you are financially independent - that's is great. You have more control on your life than you think.