How to forgive parents....

Re: How to forgive parents....

parents , especially the mother are given a very high status in islam , there are various hadiths and as you know ke maa ke paon k neechay jannat hoti hai

so i dont know how you can ask the question as to how to forgive your parents

i really understand your frustration , whatever they did was wrong and in turn it has affected your life badly. however i feel out of respect and the fact that they are the ones that brought you into this world you should forgive them

you also stated that your parents are very mother theresa like , so it may be that they didnt really see anything wrong in the rishta and were being kind to your in laws , maybe thinking they could help them.

maybe you can sit down and have a chat and sort out any misunderstanding that you may have with each other

Re: How to forgive parents....

RV, he is a gem. Sometimes I feel like I dont know what I did to deserve him.

Zash, if you're up front about your expectations with a guy...it wont be a problem. Ive talked to soooooooooooooooo many people and there were only a couple of guys who objected to the idea of helping out a girl's parents after marriage. I would say 70% of the people I spoke to were okay with it. You can find supportive son-in-laws easily...just talk about it with them and make sure they're easy going, patient guys.

Stay away from anyone who has a temper, bad manners, isnt patient, treats others (doesnt matter who) with disrespect, selfish, self-centered, etc. Look at his relationship with his own parents and see if its balanced or not. Is he independant of them but still loves them? Thats what you need.

Good luck hun!

Re: How to forgive parents....

Maybe they thought what they were doing for you was better for you? A lot of parents tend to think they know whats best for their kids, its normal. I know what they did is not right but I am sure they did not have bad intentions so forgive them.

Do you want people to forgive you for your mistakes? I'm sure you are not perfect and you will make mistakes too that will hurt people, and it could be your own children. I'm sure you won't do it on purpose- Mistakes happen. What you thought was best at that time turned out it wasn't and it hurt someone. Do you want that someone to forgive you?

Also on the Day of Judgement do you want Allah to for forgive you? Then learn to forgive others.

Heaven lies under the feet of your mother. IT's not the other way around, so it would be to your benefit to forgive as many people as possible.

You say you were spoilt as a child. That means you parents gave you a lot more then they should have. They made one mistake, and you can't forgive them for that? Be thankful for the parents you have. There are parents out there that kill their own kids, sell them to prostitution, abuse them to a scary point.

Parents aren't perfect. They are human- just like you. You won't be the perfect parent either, so deal with them as you would want your child to deal with you. Yeah, yeah I know you're thinking "I won't ever to do that to MY KIDS, blah blah," but I'm sure that's what your parents thought that too when they were kids, when there parents did something wrong. Why don't you focus on things that your parents did right. I'm sure it outweighs what your parents did wrong.

I'm a parent myself, I have two kids. But that doesn't give me the right to force them into marriage with someone they either don't like or aren't sure about.

I've told my children I'm not perfect. I make mistakes too. Sometimes I make a mistake even now, while I'm raising them, then I tell them about my mistake and that I was wrong and we talk about it. I often ask my children if there is something they want to tell me, about my way of raising them, or certain decisions or perhaps a punishment. We talk things out a lot. We try to understand each other.

As a parent, you are in charge of a human, a life. A child isn't just something you can do with whatever you want. A child is a human being, you make a wrong choice as a parent for you child, then you risk destroying either your childs character, or life or whatever. I think a lot about many decisions I take for my children and I let them decide for themselves very often what they want in life. That's important. To let children understand your decisions and try to understand what your children are thinking, feeling. What they need.

I couldn't live with myself if I would marry either my son or my daughter to someone they wouldn't like. I can't do that. If I would do something like that to my children, I would understand their anger toward me. I"m a parent, sure Allah has given me as a parent my status, but that doesn't allow me to misuse my power over my children! That's what bothers me. My parents used a lot of emotional blackmail to control me, especially with my mothers illness, one shouldn't do that. I would never misuse my position, my so called power over my children. Just because I'm their mother, it doesn't mean that I should force them to do something that I think is right.

I learn something from my children too, like they learn things from me or their teachers. We can all learn something from children too sometimes. We don't necessarily make the right decisions.

If I would still, Allah forbid, do something to destroy my childrens life, at least I would admit towards my children and other people as well what I did. I wouldn't lie and say it was only my childrens fault. I would understand and admit my fault.

In my life, I've often even admitted faults I didn't do! Sometimes to irritate, anger people sometimes to avoid faults. It wasn't alway right to do what I did in those cases. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it's not that difficult to admit you did something wrong. Even if you are a parent.

And as far as I know, we aren't supposed to listen to everything our parents say, when they something negative, you don't have to do it. Not everything they say is Islamic or the right thing to do.

Re: How to forgive parents....

^ I understand but upbringing counts too. You grew up learning different ideas and customs then your parents. Your parents learned that they're in charge of your future and need to find a suitable match for you. Thats it. They're parental handbook didnt have anything about talking it out...its very common among old school desi parents to be that way. Yes, its their fault...that anyone can see. Maybe they're just as frustrated because of all that guilt they're carrying around? They might lash out at you because they want you to forgive them but you wont.

Ill take a risk and tell you something personal about me without going into specifics. My mom made a mistake with me when I was really young. She didnt know it was a mistake but it was. Later on, she realized what went wrong and did what typical desi parents do...not talk about it. You know how many years I wasted being angry with her in my teens? All of them. I couldnt figure what on earth to do to stop feeling so terrible all the time. She and I never got along and our arguments were famous. She felt guilty and didnt know how to fix it...how can anyone fix something thats already happened and done with? That is a HUGE burden to live with. You messed up your child's life. Sounds crappy, right? It probably feels even worse. Many times, parents lash out in defense. Who wants to be blamed for something so horrible? Anyway, the minute I started to let it go, things got better for me and for her. You have to, otherwise you end up hurting more then anyone else. The tears come out of your eyes, no one else's. Your mind goes crazy thinking about it, not anyone else's.

You've got to look forward otherwise you will forever be living in the past. They made HUGE mistakes...they were NOT right...but it happened. Ladies, these are the same parents who cleaned your poopy diapers, fed you with their own hands, stayed awake when you were sick, carried you around like a little princess, doted on you all the times, paid for every single bill you incurred even as an adult, supported you throughout your life, etc etc etc. They're the same people, now they're just more human.

Its happened, what are you going to do to make sure your future is not affected by it? What will you do to restore your happiness, sukoon and peace of mind? What will you do now and for the rest of your life?

Sorry to hear your story.

Logo ko is tarah maaf kar diya karo jis tarah tum Allah Ta'lah sy umeed rakhty ho kai wo tumhe maaf kar dy ga - Hazrat Ali (RA)

Re: How to forgive parents....

Masha Allah. Subhan Allah. Jazak Allah Khair Iggle.

Thankyou for your reply, Inshalah things will be okay, but it just eats at me inside when i think about things. About meeting someone else well we really don't marry outside our caste and its something iwould like to stick to and there are not many eligible people here of that caste where i live. I do have mosque friends and others but they all seem to be busy with their lives and married therefore its a bit awkward for me to spend time with them, as they work and after that they have to look after their families and hubby. I am planning on taking classes (one is bollywood dancing - my parents will freak if they found out :) and the other is makeup) but I know by the time they start i will probably have some other more important thing at work or home come up. See these things are not my priority even though i do feel like by not having a social life i have lost some part of me. lol

Its good to know that there are people like your finace in the world.
Thanks once again for your response.

Yes i have accepted that this is part of my life - but the question is how do i deal with it.

Thanks for your post, my biggest problem was that i used food as a comfort for my issues 18 months later and 15kg later i found that this was not the way to go. Lol I feel my mom will probably follow onto what i am playing at as your mom did (maybe they are related) :)

Thanks for your taking the time to post people I guess I can just pray that I can give the same respect and love that i used to give my parents. Things do look better but then there are moments where you just think wtf, I guess i don't want to play fire with fire anyomore. Once again thankyou for your input.

Kind Regards

Re: How to forgive parents....

Zash, I think it's easy for people to say 'move on' and 'just try and forget it' when they are looking at the situation from the outside and we prob can't even imagine the amount of hurt u've gone thru. If my parents had done the same and not said sorry I think the fact that they wouldn't admit that they had done wrong is what would hurt me most, infact I think it would break my heart. I'd seriously recommend seeing a counsellor, u've been thru such a hard time and without some sort of 'neutral' outside help u may not be able to ever completely move on and of course the longer this stuff lingers in ur mind the more resentment is going to build up over the coming years. There are loads of counsellors who specialise in these sorts of cultural problems, really the best thing would have been for the whole family to go together but I'm guessing that if ur parents don't want to discuss what's happened even with u this would be near impossible.

Re: How to forgive parents....

zash01
i cant realy give u advice becuz im neither married nor old enuf to know anything
but i can say that in anything in life praying always helps
maybe things will not get better for many yrs but always keep praying n inshallah Allah will fix all ur problems
also i would like to say that u r an amazing person for supporting ur parents the way u r
u have shown that u have so much strength that i think u wil be able to move forward from this things can inshallah only get better
i know ppl who have amazing parents but the kids turn away from them...even sons who should be supporting there parents r instead too busy in their own lives while the parents at old age r stil working to feed themselves.....
Allah will reward u for ur patience one day ........

PERFECT ADVICE!

Yes, it's a bit awkward spending time with people who have work and then have to look after their own families and have other things in their life. But maybe you'll still find a nice friend to spend more time with.

I hope everything will be better for you. You do sound better now. I hope Allah will do for you what is better for you.