Guys, I want to know your opinion. I’ve been married for 3 years now and I have a two year old daughter. My wife sometimes acts insane, she starts beating my daughter, slapping her and scolding her harshly, for things like not eating and just doing kid things. She says she’s disciplining her but I say it’s abuse. Everytime she does this and we argue, I tell her not to hit my kid. She’s only two and then she’ll start screaming and cursing and saying how i’ll spoil her and she threatens to cut herself and hits her head on the wall.. then she calls her parents who come over and they fight with me and my parents. I told her mom that she’s not supposed to hit the little girl and her mom told me “she will hit her she’s her mom”. And I simply cannot bear this. All our fights are because of slapping and hurting my daughter. I want to divorce her, and I’ve told her to leave my house and go over to her parents. But she won’t do that as well. She says if you divorce me I will go to the cops and tell them you’ve abused me. I don’t know how to get out of this, how can I divorce her and for her to leave me alone? I have place that my parents live me with me as well… I just want to get away from it all… it’s been 3 years and she’s not showing signs of stopping.. how can I leave her?
She doesn't want to live with your parents
She manipulative and hitting the child to only target you
Divorcing her means, you lose the child as well.
What is stopping you from leaving her? whats so difficult?
Well, Im not sure how? If I divorce her she’ll try to harm herself or try to frame me. I’m not sure how to get her to move out of my house.
Two-year olds sure can be frustrating. It can be exhausting to run after a toddler. Maybe your wife is feeling tired or frustrated about something. If that's the case, try helping out your wife at home with your daughter. For example, let her go take a break while you feed your daughter....or play with her......or while you take your daughter out to the park, etc. Your wife is less likely to feel angry if she's more rested. This can also help improve/strengthen your bond with her. I'm not suggesting that you give up everything and take care of your daughter 24/7. But, assuming that your wife's anger is due to exhaustion.......then consider supporting her more at home with your child. People learn by example. So, if you are able to feed your daughter patiently and if you are able to play with her patiently........then perhaps your wife will learn how to be more patient by watching you as you set an example for her.
You can also look into counseling. You can get a Muslim counselor. See if your wife is open to that. If she doesn't want you to leave her, then she has to be willing to compromise on at least something.....such as getting couple's counseling/therapy. You can let her parents know that things have reached a point where you are contemplating leaving her and perhaps this will scare her parents enough to where they will reason with their daughter. You could even tell a counselor that she makes threats to hurt herself and to frame you if you were to leave her. This way, the counselor will have documented evidence of her doing this if she should try to frame you in the future. When she makes such threats, you can tell her that you'll call social services or Department of Children and Families and report her. You would need to evidence to counter her claims. Some people have cameras in their home that can provide evidence in the event of false accusations/framing.
She clearly does not want a divorce. But she seems misguided. You have to get to the root of why she's acting this way.
Sorry to hear about what you are going through, but that is a normal situation. First 3 years of marriage should be set aside for such fights by default anyway. You are about to turn that corner in your marriage for the better iA.
Threatening self-harm and harming the child to get what your wife wants isn’t unique to her. It could also be due to postpartum depression. I can just tell you that similar things happened with me as well even though I never lived with my parents after marriage. I had a lot of ego back then but I learned to compromise on everything because we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves. All these negative traits are predictable before marriage but few care about them at that time. It must have been mentally and physically tiring for you going through all this but the time to step back is long gone, now you must just compromise and try to make the best out of every situation hoping for the best.
Throw the idea of divorce away as if it is just not possible and then focus on reducing the conflict. Limiting our options is key to focusing on making problematic things work. In my opinion marriage counselors are useless, and Islamic marriage counselors in the US are worse ! They all take the side of women. I know guys who squarely blame one of the most famous Islamic marriage counselors in the US for their divorce.
Start recording her, keep lots of evidence on texts. The legal system is loaded against men. She will definitely accuse you, she can also say that you abuse the kid and can get restraining orders. Please gather a lot of evidence, go to male support groups and there are also male support hotlines. Could you look into counselling?
It is a parental duty to stop abuse of the child, not doing anything about abuse is classified as participating in it. After gathering evidence, he can call child protective services. To think of it, I think that would be the best solution is to call the child protective services. Slap on the face is definitely abuse and a criminal offence. Long time ago I read about this white Russian parents get sent to jail for 20 years for beating their children.
Most of the cases they get a restraining order and you will be the one leaving the house, never seen a woman leave the house and 90 percent they get custody. Be super sweet, sell the house before you do anything.
this
especially when she threatens to self harm herself and is already harming daughter…
seems married life/child is being heavy for her
better to bring her to doc before she really harms herself or the kids more la
or maybe talk calmly and figure out if living with joint family is the issue
Hitting is abuse, more so if there is a two year old involved
Record her doing the things she does, collect it as evidence and use it against her if she proceeds with a case involving child custody. No court allows a minor to be handed over to a abusive maniac of a mother like the said lady is. Give her the required space, help her use that time to understand where she’s been wrong. If she retaliates back and plays victim, let her go without skipping a heartbeat. If she understands then I guess just be man enough to let her back in
Not that it helps your case, and not withstanding if this is a clickbait thread, but technically it shouldn’t have taken you three years just to realize where you’ve been wrong in the said relationship. Emphasis → Authority. Learn to use it.
Should I install a camera in the house and record her doing any self harm and hurting my daughter first? Then take that evidence to a divorce lawyer? How will that get her out of the house? She doesn't want to leave the house. I've asked her during our fights to leave and go to her parents house but she refuses. She insists on fighting with me while living with me. I've honestly gotten tired of the fights and constant trepidation of the next fight. I can't concentrate on work. Ever since covid hit, it got worst because I get to stay home all day and work and it's impacting my work as I'm not productive at all. I can't concentrate on my projects and I'm lacking behind. I feel as if this will impact my work. I do care about my daughter, but I know I won't get custody of her... But I can make sure to provide a good enough life for her. But I just can't bear to be with my wife. I have this sunken feeling every time I'm around her. Also my in-laws disrespecting me. The gall of my MIL telling my wife blatantly to do a "case" on me in case I try to do anything is just eating at my sanity. I want her to be out of my life..
Installing Cameras, recording on phone, keeping track of messages all help. I am afraid in most of the cases the man has to leave the house. My son is remote and many days he goes to the library or the mall to work. Can you find another place like the library to work?
It would not hurt to talk to a divorce lawyer and also to a counsellor. Staying in a toxic abusive relationship will effect your child. Yelling, screaming and abuse destroy the mental health of the child.
I have read about cases where women accused husbands of child abuse to get them out of the house. It is very easy for her to get a restraining order and you will be made to leave the home.
In vast majority of cases, husbands can’t get the wife out. They end up leaving. I would suggest that get a place and move out and live in separation. Do you have a lot of equity in the home?
Court can order the house to be sold. I know and have been around many court proceedings.
Is she open to pursue divorce?
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate with you not being able to concentrate on work and lagging behind on projects. Be mentally prepared for getting dismissed. Although it would be a bad thing that can happen to you, but you can stop a bad thing from getting worse. Being mentally prepared will prevent any sudden outburst of anger in the workplace which could lead to devastating legal consequences for you on top of the issues you are already dealing with. If you get fired, just leave the job quietly.
One thing I know is that once police, child services, or any other government agency gets involved then divorce is imminent. I would advise you to try to slow things down and try to negotiate, try to find ways to make your marriage work. Don’t let your ego destroy your marriage. As far as child custody is concerned, plan on letting your wife having the full custody. Most lawyers will advise you the same.
You mentioned your MIL has advised your wife to file a case against you. That means chances of saving your marriage are now slim. Although you should try to save your marriage but be very careful of getting trapped by some aggressive lawyer who might be scheming against you on your in-laws’ behalf. In that case, cutting your losses is the best approach. I mentioned about a case some time ago that in which a guy literally became a beggar after divorce.
We live in an apartment. It’s rent right now but I was planning on buying a house, but don’t think I will anytime soon. What would be the best scenario in this situation? I would just one day move out of the apartment and send her the papers via mail?
You should thank your God and run for the hills, I would say move out immediately when she is not at home. Don’t send papers for a few months as she will come up with allegations. Once you are away for a few months, any allegations will not hold weight. For now just say it’s trial separation so she does not go full psycho with allegations
leep a diary. Get proof on texts that you never layed hands on her.
Slow down. It’s Ramzan and it’s not over yet. Make dua to Allah for change and for guidance (especially during Tahajjud) and try other interventions first. I’m not saying you should remain in this marriage. When you reach a point where you feel that it’s dysfunctional beyond repair…then you can opt to leave her…and if it comes to that, then please consult a lawyer first about custody especially if you can prove with evidence that she hits your daughter. But again…for now…slow down and try dua in combination of with other interventions (involving local Imam for counseling, etc).
Keep in mind that your daughter is at an age that is frustrating. Toddlers are not easy and it requires a lot of energy to take care of them. Your wife might be depressed or something could be frustrating her. Have you tried sitting down with and having a calm heart-to-heart discussion with her without blaming/accusing?
So far, you have ONLY told us about…HER. What about YOU? Are you absolutely 100% sure that YOU are not at fault at all and that your wife is completely satisfied with YOU? For example…if (let’s say) she has post-partum depression…do you help her out at home with your daughter so that she can get a break and feel less overwhelmed? Have…YOU BOTH…AS A COUPLE…had some time to bond and connect with each other? For example, leaving your child with the grandparents while you and wife go on date night at least a couple of times each week? Have you tried doing nice things for her as a way to reconnect?
When someone tell you to leave your marriage and run for the hills…keep one thing in mind, Bakra? It’s ALWAYS going to be easier for THAT person to give you advice to walk out…because it won’t affect THEM in any way. For example, Bobby…he never left his 1st wife even though he claims that she disrespected him for years. He still remained with her and …then…found himself a 2nd wife who roped him into marriage by threatening to kill herself (smacks head)…but he still hasn’t left the 1st wife. While he is always singing 2nd wifey’s praises…and …will now and then praise the 1st wife, too…he still hasn’t divorced the first wife. But he’s now advising you to “run for the hills”…??? Why didn’t HE run for the hills in his jawani when his own kids were toddlers and not the young adults that they are right now?
Point is…it will always be easier for someone else to tell you to leave your marriage or even to stay within your marriage. But it’s YOU that has to make a decision and it should not be done in a state when emotions are running high. You need to take some time to yourself and reflect over your own “rating” as a husband. Don’t just focus on your wife’s flaws. Be fair. You have many questions to think about? Is she satisfied with you? Is she going through depression? Does she need help at home? Are there other methods that can be tried before pulling the plug on this marriage? If it bothers you that she hits your daughter, will you be at peace knowing she’ll get full custody or that you won’t be around to prevent the hitting?
But especially in Ramzan, which should be a time for self-reflection and striving to become your best and having mercy/compassion for others, hold off on your divorce schemes.
She never ever hit kids, didn’t even raise her voice at them. Our problem was she never showed love, affection, appreciation for me and doctors had her on several prescriptions drugs. I have noticed this a lot in community where many women are popping the pills like candy.
Hitting a child on face is criminal abuse, punishable by imprisonment and the person just witnessing this is participant also.
Secondly he has been threatened with authorities and abuse allegations
In the heat of arguments if she calls police, gets him arrested, he is finished.
In this situation authorities, counselor always advice distance
Men are raked over the coals about fake allegations
Moving away is actually thinking about the child, as creating a toxic environment is bad for the child.
Many Desi women want for a son and when they have a daughter, they hate them.
They love weaponizing the sons against the father.
What is Ramzan got to do with this? I went with Sam to a desi store and this older guy with namaaz mark on his forehead was leering at her and following her in every aisle and trying to walk close to her. I am sure he lectures about fazeelats
also.
Leaving a toxic relationship is better, courts 90 percent give custody to mother. If she accuses him also, authorities take the kid away.
I have been to courts regularly for last six years, I see lineups of women getting restraining orders, enforcement orders and see all the court staff being super supportive to women and have witnessed many proceedings remotely waiting for my turn on docket, so I know what happens in courts, new versions of laws for men is guilty, even after proven innocent.
Women should not hate on daughters, they can be 10 times the son that a man can be.
Sam’s daughter are tougher, stronger, amazingly caring, way more than my boys can ever be. I think that lady should park her hatred for the daughter. I bet if it was a boy, her attitude would be different
The philosophy of Islam and Ramzan is amazing however religion has been used by many hypocrites to promote their nefarious goals.
I have a fool proof way of detecting hypocrites, a quote by Hadrat Ali, without manners, there is no deen. So if you come across a rude person gloating about religion, you know that he is a hypocrite.
Please do not do inventions in faith, never seen any rule where people cannot be separated or divorced during Ramzan. Try telling the judge that one shouldn’t be jailed for assault during Ramzan. Where do you get such enlightenment?
Being the person that I am, tend to see / analyze the underlying causes of every problem. I shudder to imagine all the mental, psychological & other torture a mother is subjected to, to make her hit her own child. A mother can never hit her own child in normal circumstances. We all know that humans tend to take all the stress, pressures their own minds out on the weaker. Clearly, the kid is the only "weaker" she has & everyone else around her is definitely torturing her, giving her huge amount of stress in one way or the other. She is under immense pressure of some kind. I wonder if she has good physical health because lack of good, healthy blood supply in the body makes one forget being normal. Unless the kid has done something terribly wrong, it is not 'normal' for a mother to hit her child unless under extreme form of stress, pressure or psychological torture which she attempts to take out by hitting the child.
You might be one of those husbands who use wives as servants either because of 'hindu tradition' (of treating wives as servants) in some Pakistani families or due to lack of resources to provide her a servant & a separate house to live. If her FIL & MIL do not like her for anything or anything about her then obviously that is adding to her stress which she, in no way, is required to put up with but is putting up with because of her thankless husband who is opening such insulting titles / topics about her online. A "CRAZY" wife. Are you a psychiatrist that diagnosed her mental illness to give her that title or a psychologist ? Even professional psychologists do not give out such titles to patients. The job of a psychologist is also to look for underlying causes of a patient's abnormal behaviour.
Not a psychologist but can see from your own choice of words for her that she should not allow the ones surrounding her to turn her 100% mental. She should get out for the sake of her own mental health & her child away from the sources of psychological torture that have made her become so cruel & unfeeling towards her own child. The torture she is patiently tolerating now will leave long term damaging effects on her making it difficult for her to retain her mental health if prolonged. So she should be out of this before too late.
Not sure how many insults you throw at her in real life that you went on to open this kind of topic about her on a public forum so you may let her read my post. That should give her confidence that protecting herself & her child from the original "torture-beings" posing as victims to online strangers is important & she must not allow anyone to make a mess of her life which in turn will make a mess of her daughter too.
Do her a favor & let her out of the toture-cell you are keeping her in. She clearly overly stressed living with someone like you & the circumstances of the torture-cell that is making her act abnormal with her own child.
HOW to do it should not be difficult to find out if you have decided to let her free. Get a lawyer.