How to deal with your own family?
If you feel like your own family especially your mother and sister is very controlling, and in their mind whatever they do is always right. Whenever you try to be logical with them and give them reasons, they says that “someone is changing your mind, and it is not your own thoughts”
On the other hand, your dad is very nice but he gives up when it comes to mom.
How can you deal with such situation?
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Take these things lightly, dont let them or their thoughts affect you, don’t get bothered else you will go insane. Ignore & just live your life on peace.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Either take a stand or give in to them.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
There are couple of instances where their behaviors cause stress in my life, but they don’t realize it. On the other hand, I feel like I am being a good child. Out of all their kids, I went to school got a professional degree and have good job. I bought the home for my parents too. It seems like my parents don’t understand how I am feeling and what I want. They still see me as 5 year old girl.
So what is the way to talk to them? I love my parents and everything. At the same time, I want them to understand me.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Most people learn to be manipulative, family thinks they are giving in but behind the scene they do their own stuff, they pretend to give a chit but they make it roll off without taking it to heart.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
I didn’t get the last part:confused:
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Just ignore what they are saying, how you feel is no ones responsibility but yours alone. If someone says mean hurtful things to me I can decide if that should make me angry or hurt, I normally just say in my heart screw you. I am not going to give you the power to make me feel bad.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/30/we-are-responsible-for-our-own-feelings/
Re: How to deal with your own family?
You yourself saying their behaviour is causing you stress & having negative affect on you. Talking to them won’t help as you have tried it before too & they dont listen to logical reasoning so its better for your own sanity sake that you stop getting affected & bothered by their behaviour & let them think what they want to think, you don’t exhaust yourself, at the end of the day Allah knows everything.
I know this is not religion forum but trust me you can’t change their thought process & behaviour towrads you unless & until Allah wants to. I am not saying don’t struggle for your rights or don’t take a stand or don’t give them reminders but their hearts & minds will only change when Allah wants them to change, you as human can only do so much.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Call these broads out! I know standing up to parents can be a daunting task for many, but you can at least tell your sister to **** off.
If you do not mind me asking, what are they being controlling over? I think that information could help with creating a strategy to deal with your mom and sister.
Also, since your dad is sympathetic to you you should create an “alliance” with him in secret so you can at least confide in him.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
If you can, move out.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Like simple things after my graduation, i was looking for my job and it took me some time to find the job and my mother and sister was so negative about it that I am not looking for job on purpose.
Most of my friends live in 2 hours drive from us and if someone having mehndi dholki or any function and i want to go there and stay over for a day, my sister says my mother dont like it and you are still going “what kind daughter you are?”
My sister and mother brought a proposal back from Pakistan, and forced me to talk to him. They apparently liked him so much for me but after a while when i was okay with it too, they disapprove it and finished it off. I fought for a while but then i give up since it was creating so much tension between my parents. It was 3 years back when i was in school.
Then they showed me alot of proposals from back home and US, but nothing worked out. There was one guy who talked to me and said yes to my mom and then after a day he said no. My sister said to me I might have said something to him thats why he said no.
Recently, a guy liked me here and they came to our home and asked about me from my dad. My mother was so against and she disapprove it. She did not even disapprove it but was also ugly about it.
But my dad still said yes to the family since they were good people.
So fast forward..
Nikah date was fixed
And everyone was invited
His dad got in ICU in pakistan but the family still wanted to do it my dad said no do it in march in Pakistan
Guy side got mad about it and they feel insulted.
They talked last time and my dad still said same thing. From the begining my mom was so against and my dad was on my side and i told the guy everything from the begining and he was apparently so in “love” that he did not care.
At the end, they finished it off. They said my mother and sister was already very disrespectful, but they were okay since my dad agreed. When my dad asked for changing date, they took it as an insult.
My dad basically could not fight it for me and ended up listening to my mother and sister.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
That is horrible they are more like people destroying your life to feed their egos. My rule is if they are sincere with you then they deserve respect otherwise they are people who share DNA with you and are malicious towards you. As someone said scream bloody murder and ask your mother on a daily basis how she feels about costing you happiness. Drama wins every time, create it like they have never seen it before.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
I love my family but i wish they were supportive. As a girl, it is hard to move out since it is considered bad in the desi community (at least in our community).
I don’t want disrespect for my family, but i really wish they were more understanding.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Best thing to do is to find determination again to find a job if you don’t have one now. At the very least you will have some income coming that is yours and yours only. Don’t let these nutty broads touch your money either. I know family pressure exist, but your money needs to stay your money. I know that since we are dealing with desi people you will not be able to move out on your own, since these idiots do not even let you hang out and have fun at a function but it will not hurt to have some back up money for yourself.
Also, you and your dad need to be more brave. At the very least you have someone else with you, and I know these arguments will create tension but so what? Are you going to live your entire life waiting for mom and sister’s approval? These two sound perpetually negative and from the descriptions you are giving they sound like they have it out for you. It is time to move past pleasing these two. You have your dad on your side and you two need to work together to get you on your feet. You cannot work things out logically with people who refuse to consider you, and you shouldn’t spend years waiting for them to be reasonable people.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
It took me few weeks to find out the job, but I am working and earning well. I bought the home for my parents as well.
Hopefully we can learn a lesson from here and comes up with a plan that works for me.
It is so tragic that even after doing all the drama and they succeed at the end, they want me to behave normal like nothing happend.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
I know this sounds radical but moving out and marrying someone of your choice might be the solution. It isn’t ideal but is appropriate for your situation.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Yeah, that sounds like a very toxic dynamic. It is going to be difficult because the only feasible way to physically get away from it for you would be to get married (but getting married just to get away from parents is generally a disaster since these unions are rushed). Basically, the best thing to do is to mentally become stronger. You sister should not be an authority over you. Maybe this is coming from an Americentric position, but at a certain age siblings do not need to be authorities over each other. That leaves your mom. To deal with her you will definitely need to provide an iron will as an opponent. Be more stubborn than she is and get the support of your dad.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
Sometimes our own beloved families can indeed be extremely illogical. I have a friend who is trying to get married for the last 5 years and has asked his family several times to look for a girl but his family, that lives in another city, has not shown him even a single girl ! His family’s criteria is so paradoxical that 99.999% of humanity does not meet it. Whenever he demands an explanation as to why they are dragging their feet, excuses about being busy, sick or society’s moral turpitude are thrown at him. They also threatened him of not participating at all if he kept pushing them.
A sad thing happened sometime ago. We as friends introduced him to a girl who satisfied his family’s criteria 100%. Both he and the girl wanted to proceed BUT his family changed the criteria as soon as they learned about that and refused to even meet the girl’s family. Girl’s family felt so disrespected and rightly so that they declined to pursue the matter.
He has since decided to pursue suitable rishtas on his own. We as friends, introduced him to few suitable families but as soon as a girl’s family learns that his family will not be participating, they backed off or even misbehaved with him. Unfortunately, due to his family’s stubbornness he’ll have to settle for far less than what he deserves unless he meets someone so understanding that they don’t use his difficult circumstances as a bargaining chip.
Islam teaches us to make marriage easy but unfortunately with all these traditions/rituals we’ve made it super hard.
Re: How to deal with your own family?
You should discuss this with your older Uncle or better yet your Grand Parents! Grand Parents always straighten out their own children better than any one else, since they have the authority!
You be respectful to your parents!
Re: How to deal with your own family?
True