Assalamualikum,
I am new here and I have been a gupshup reader/ viewer since last month. I really need a true and sincere advice from you guys.
I have a maariage proposal, I am young unmarried girl and I have a proposal for a divorced person with no status in US. He needs to be maaried and wants a status in US. I dont mind that he is divorced if he is a good person but they had asked my family some questions that I don’t like…for example how tall is the girl, motti hai ya----???
The thing is i am overweight and I dont want to show my picture to them if they are going to refuse/ reject just because of that and will ignore the whole personality…Please tell me what should I do??? How to handle the situation??? they might not say anything and they might because they have asked those kind of questions to my khala after talking to my Parents…
What would you do (in a decent way) if it was you or your love one???
I have not talked to the guy or the family (the whole thing is happening very eastern way ----family to family and my khala and his mother are involved in it)
Please help me …Please no jokes as it is serious matter…
Thanks a lot in advace
hey i dont think so there is anything wrong in asking these type of questions ..is the girl tall or short is she fat or not ?.. everyone do that ...there is nothing you should be upset about everyone has a right to choose a partner according to their choices ...it has nothing to be related to character or personality ..couz the first thing that a partner see first is most of the time is your overall appearance then comes your personality character ....best of luck and yes if your are overweight it doesnt matter i have seen many fat girls getting married its all about destiny
Re: How to deal with This Situation
We'll sum ppl even like chubby girls. I'm chubby but my fiance loves the way I am ( or atleast tats wat he says ) do show ur gud pics , or better take few in clothes wic u think make u feel slim , and comfortable, trust me if u won't like how you look , no one will too. Jus have faith on Allah , take initiative as sooner OR later you wil have to go thru all of this.and trust me ppl are cruel , they comment on u like they don't have their daughters , sisters or even mothers so get a grip, I don't know if its a suitable match or not but u need to be strong, and wen ur time comes, go to gym, eat sensibly and u wil be gr8.
Re: How to deal with This Situation
All I am saying personality counts wen u already know a person , but sum1 u don't know they wil go for ur looks, tats how this community of ourz work. Ppl don't understand the beauty of marriage and one more thing u r young, if they are being THIS picky tat they WANT evything american status , ur proposal , ur appearance , jus honey ,NEVER EVER take ur self for granted , think deep if HE is even worth ur hand in marriage or his family. Rest all my prayers wid u
Ps. U make u feel better there is a thread named chubby brides by sarah101 check it out
Hes looking for a green card, and still wants all that jazz?
Question is, why are you even considering him?
Re: How to deal with This Situation
If you have insecurities about your physical condition then you will likely have difficulty dealing with the complexities that come with this sort of union.
Are you up for all that?
Thank you so much for yor replies....It surely helps.
The thing is that I have concidered him only because I have heard they are a very nice and good family. I dont like people going after the looks cuz that fades away soon. I just dont like the guy's side saying no after looking at the picture. They have been so despearate..........have been sending proposal for a year........To me Personality comes first that is why even him being devorcey is not a propblem If he really is kind of a person what I have heard about him.
I told my family I am not changing for anyone now, If they are going to continue with this proposal they must with the way I am----if they do continue and if it works out (may it work out only if we both are best for each other) yes I will try my best to reduce my weight....(me being over weight is due to being on some meds and their side effects) I am not on those meds now so Insha'Allah I will reduce........but I will reduce my weight for myself for my well being.........Not for A Guy
I dont know if it makes sense to you guys or not...........But I really believe in a personality first......even if you don't know that person, there are so many ways to find out about that person, instead of rejecting someone just because of appearance.............I would Truly Never Ever Do THat.
.but I will reduce my weight for myself for my well being.........Not for A Guy
And he should marry you for who you are, not for a green card.
You have clearly stated that hes looking to get married just to legalize his stay in the US. Im pretty sure he will accept you, regardless of your weight. However, you need to figure out whether you can truly see some good coming out of marrying him or not.
I think the situation is quiet simple. You don't want to be rejected based on your weight and he's looking for someone who isn't overweight (which is why they asked that very straight forward question).
But don't take it personally, it is very common that the first impression the family gathers in arranged marriages is based on looks, family and background. When things move forward you get to know the girl/guy in question.
If you are interested you should go ahead with it and if they say no due to your weight, then you know he's a guy who values the size of ones body instead of ones heart.
And you can move on finding someone who will look at the bigger picture instead of hanging on to the small details.
It's a win-win situation in my opinion.
Re: How to deal with This Situation
Dont sweat it hunny! Go right a head. Be proud of how u look. Honestly, all the girls above r right. When u dont really know a person u always go for looks first...then comes personality and stuff. U should tell them straight up I am not that slim. Send them ur pics. If they like u, then good. If not, then u know these ppl werent worth u anyways.
Keep in mind they might even like ur honesty of telling them straight up that ur not slim and accept u. And if they dont, then there is someone out there who is gonna find u beautiful cuz everyone is beautiful in their own way...so dont worry!
Good luck =) xoxo.
Re: How to deal with This Situation
honey, im totally with u on this one....i would personally reject someone in their face regardless of whoever it was. I mean a girl is not an object on a showcase to be picked up from.
I am totally against those ppl who say "gori honi chahyey", is she heavy or is she slim..."lambi or choti"etc etc....she is a human being, she deserves respect and anyone who is prioritizing looks and such things are just lame...cos their own son's or the guy himself is no prince charming and then u get these aunties looking for Hoor pari's....pisses me off majorly.
Neway....honey u should be proud of who u are regardless of ur weight...im sure ur a lovely person on the inside and they should accept u for that reason alone, so be straight with them..... :) INSHALLAH things will work out if its meant to be.
Good luck.... hugs xxx
The thing is that I have concidered him only because I have heard they are a very nice and good family. To me Personality comes first that is why even him being devorcey is not a propblem If he really is kind of a person what I have heard about him.
Do you know the reason for his divorce? If the family and the guy were so nice and accommodating in the first place, he would be happily married right now. How did he end up being divorced? You need to establish their integrity before your family goes through with this.
First of all, Thank you all for replying.........I have read all the replies in a possitive way. I want to tell you that I have been checking this thread every hour to read what you guys have been writting........I greatly appreciate all your input. At first it had hit me hard when I came to know that these questions were asked, I feel better now.
Honestly, I have seen many people rejecting a girl just because they are short, not to the equal status and so on and it deeply hurts the girl. Boy's family will do that even for the green card or whatever.....even if the guy has no status he and or his family has so many demands for the girl or girls family...... I have seen it in my close friends family. My point is everyone has feelings (regardless of what gender you are).
I didn't want to hold my picture because I have already seen his picture and I didn't want to hurt his feelings by him feeling that I rejected him just cuz of his looks, but at the same time if they are ignorant and looking for only outer beauty I didnt want to send them my picture because if they are that kind of people I do not want them to see my picture. Due to this reason I was in a great confusion. (Note: I had not asked for his picture, he has sent it himself without asking to move forward)
This is the First proposal and I was little scared to show my picture not because they might say No! I don't want my picture to be shown to anyone who values fake beauty than beauty of the heart.
You guys are so beautiful people, I already love you guys, really bunch of thanks for helping me out.
I will let my family exchange the pictures and if it is meant to be it will happen and if not than it wont-----No hard feelings :)
I guess I am just new to this triditional wedding proposal thing, and that is why I was stressing.......I am fine now after reading you replies. I will be confused till I send my picture because it is after sending my picture I will find out little about them...........Maybe I am over stressing myself it will all be solved after they see my picture.
Please keep me in ur Duaas.........May whatever is best for both of us happen Insha'Allah.
Thanks Again
Do you know the reason for his divorce? If the family and the guy were so nice and accommodating in the first place, he would be happily married right now. How did he end up being divorced? You need to establish their integrity before your family goes through with this.
yes I do know the reason of his divorced, He married a girl with a good intension of converting her to become Muslim, but after marriage she refused and that is how divorced happened......and their marriage was only paper marriage till she would accept Islam and she didnt so they got divorced.
Re: How to deal with This Situation
I dunno, im nt saying that ppl who are divorced are bad characters....but from what he sounds like, how can u think he has a good character at all? if they are superficial and only after you for greencard. :(
Alright I dont want to sound like I am already on his side, but I dont doubt on people so quickly. I had given him benifit of doubt and of course once we continue my parents will do all the investigation and stuff lol.
But the thing is if he was all after green card, he could have kept the previous marriage till he gets the green card Right?? but he ended the marriage because the american girl had lied to him that she will convert and she never did.
I surely will investigate it more if we continue with this proposal. Definetly I wont just marry him if he says yes, that is not the end of the world Right? :)
ANd verry near and dear people to me know him closely and they have told me about little about who he is and stuff..........those people will never lie to me.....The rest is my Naseeb I believe.
But surely if it continues, (and hope I get enough courge to talk to him, I will ask him and he can ask me anything openly before we make a life long decision)
Re: How to deal with This Situation
The thing is, ( I'm sorry if I misunderstood)...but you need to send your pic.
The sad truth is, weight is a big issue for some people, and like someone above me also said, he doesn't know what your personality is like, he can only go by what he sees.
IF you don't confront this issue, and do end up being with him, it could translate into some serious elf-esteem issues after marriage. SOoo it would be better if everything is upfront abhi se...
I would be very careful about marrying anyone who doesn't already have legal status in this country. I hate to say that, but I see it happen too often where a man will either pay a woman off or try to find someone he deems "less desirable," in order to get a legal status. Those men are disgusting pieces of filth who shouldn't be given a second thought.
I'm chubby too, and I will tell you that as long as you've got a personality (and you seem to be very genuine and sweet), then men of true worth will be attracted to you.
And his reasoning for his divorce... is suspicious to me. A paper marriage is a legal marriage in the USA. Is he in the USA? I'm very skeptical about this. I know a person who married a gori just so he could get citizenship, then a month or two after the "marriage," fell apart and now he's seeking status in other ways. No Islamic marriage, but it was a legal one. I could provide more examples, but it's depressing to think that men could use women like that.
Anyway Insha Allah you make the right decision. Try not to worry too much about it and just pray that whatever happens, or whomever you choose is right for you ^^
I was just thinking about this question and saw your post:k:
Re: How to deal with This Situation
if your scared about them seeing the picture...why don't you have your parents be like "we don't believe in pictures, since its modern now, if its okay with you, you guys just come over and let the kids meet each other....if they don't like each other, that is totally okay with us."
my cousin's mom does this all the time....and it works!