How to deal with my ex husband

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

My my understanding is that I would have to marry someone else, divorce him and then I could re marry my ex. But I don't ever want to do that. There are lots of things wrong with this man which is why I divorced him in the first place.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

My whole married life was spent trying to please him on every occasion. That's why when he comes round, I automatically change and find myself changed into the 'wife' mode and I find myself waiting hand and foot on him. It's the way I've become and when his mum comes round, even more so. There was one time when our youngest daughter was just two years old, he came to see the kids and made a pass at me. I felt sick for days after that and told to never do that again. When he suggested the Eid dinner, I said no because people might see us together and they'd gossip. He went on about us getting back together again and he actually put his hand on his genitals and made a point that he was sexually frustrated and that really pissed me off. Thank god the kids didn't see that.

the children know I have no intentions of remarrying him and yes, I do hate confrontations because he has a way of making me look and sound silly. I have told him that I don't want to remarry and for the kids sake, we should just remain as we are, civil and courteous. We don't have to keep meeting at my place. I have made it clear but he still thinks he's in with a chance! My attire is modest, no make up, nothing flashy. I always try to keep the conversations strictly related to the kids and I don't sit with him while he's with the kids.

i admit that I have made mistakes is being too nice but that's just my nature. I do feel that he's taken advantage of my generosity and now it's really starting to bug me.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

That hasn't changed. You're still more concerned about HIS feelings more than your own.

You recognize the problem. Now you need to decide what you're going to do about it.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

^exactly as Paheli said.

knowing what the problem is puts you more than half-way to the solution.
if you are having trouble making him see the point, consider writing it down in a letter so that there are no mixed signals.
if you are not a confrontational person by nature, writing a note will make it easier to express your feelings in a more stern manner.
plus a copy of the note can be kept for posterity......

25

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

I thought when some one has a divorce it means cutting ties, your still meeting him and letting him into the house (yes on the excuse that your letting him see the kids) but when you divorced it must if been for a serious reason, or did you just divorce out of boredom and the suddenly realise "bacharra akhela hogaya" why are you so worried about him meeting the kids? Why are you going out of your way for him to meet them? I suggest you stop allowing him any visits and if he has a problem with it then tell him to re address his behaviour, only then he can meet his children. Your children sound old enough to understand that mum and dad are divorced, you nee to stop feeling sorry for him... Move on and limit his meetings to zero. Once your divorced it means history, why you dragging the past around with you?

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

He knows you well. He knows you're sweet and after all those years of brain washing & programming, he can exploit your habit of behaving like his doormat. He is trying to exploit you again using different tactics. DO NOT ALLOW HIM. I would have suggested to give him another chance if you think divorcing was a bad decision. But if you're sure he is not the right man then you will have to be harsh & stop being how you were programmed to behave around him. Stop responding to his sweet talk, gestures or any efforts of trying to exploit your good nature. Listen to your mother's advice. If you were really unhappy with him & can not think of another chance together then think of all those times you hated with him. As everyone else said, you not objecting to his UNREASONABLE acts is encouraging him. I think he is trying to exploit you sexually too. Maybe your weakness gave him a hint. You need to find yourself another man whom you think will be a good husband & tell him that you have moved on with your life. Stop letting him take advantage of your weaknesses which to me seem to be more than one. He knows them well and exploiting them all to his advantage to get back together again.

Anyway, in the end, it is you who has to decide. If you dont want him to be a part of your life again then you need to be very firm and do not allow him all that freedom in your house as he has now. You are not his wife anymore. You have to be very clear on that and also make it very clear to your kids as well as your ex.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

I know you said you feel weak in confronting him, but you are going to have to be firm and set the boundaries. From you have said he seems more interested in sex than getting back together :/

You have to tell him to step back, otherwise your kids will get mixed signals which isn't good for them either.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

And your ID is Heerranjha?

29

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

And what's that got to do with things? I'm hardly going to put up my real name am I?

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

OP -

You realize you're going to eventually confuse your kids, right? If this keeps going the way it is...he might let it slip in front of your children one day and then what will you do?

You divorced him...and if we're talking about Sharia Law...him touching you like that is absolutely OFF limits! He isn't your husband anymore...and I think that's the part you really need to come to terms with.

Goodness woman, I know you're trying to do the right thing but all that effort is wasted if in the process you do more damage than good.

Boundaries...set those boundaries NOW! Talk to his mom when she comes back and let her know upfront about your intentions.

Visitation doesn't have to be at your home...and if it MUST then plan to be out of the house for that time period.

Stop being courteous...he isn't your guest. He is their father and responsible for them just as much as you are. So...let him worry about feeding them. You can cook and leave the food on the stove to be served whenever they wish.

I hate to say this to you but you brought this on yourself.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

You should have the kids meet him outside your home. This situation has so many mixed signals. Don't allow him into your home and stop feeling sorry for him.

32

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Can you explain this please?

33

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

you know I get it that you feel sorry for him......
hopefully it's like one would feel sorry for someone that doesn't see how wrong they are or doesn't see how they are hurting themselves...you can't help but feel sorry for that sort of person.
the problem is that you can't afford to let that pity/softness show because that will cause you and more importantly, your children, further harm.
the best that you should do is pray for him to find his way but in the meanwhile, you need to protect yourself and the kids that depend on you.

34

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Limit his visits to your place and visits are for meeting his kids, you do not have to be there or go out with them if they are going out. He is the father of kids and he can and will take care of kids (unless he has history of child abuse??). I'd even say take advantage of him being at home. Spend time out to do grocery, shopping or just meet friends...have coffee with them. It will be a well deserved break for you.

To make kids understand, you can talk to them with religious prospective. Tell them that going out with him is just like going out with some stranger (as per religion) and that if kids keep blackmailing/forcing you emotionally, you will be getting Gunah. Normally its easy for kid to understand things with Gunah/Sawab math. You HAVE to draw the boundaries and make kids realize. If you dont do that right now, it will be even more confusing for them and for their future.

He perhaps is just taking advantage of you being "khamosh". Getting encouraged. You HAVE to speak up to stop this. Speak to him first and if that does not work, talk to his mother. If nothing works, bring in lawyer.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't hala where the wife has to remarry, consummate and get a divorce in order to get back with her ex? I thought there was no way around this. Is it different in the case of a khulla?

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Many jurists other than hanafis consider a divorce as 1 divorce, people can remarry after it and after second as well, but not after third.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

This is only according to Hanafis to best of my knowledge, other Fiqh, dont consider it necessary. They consider a divorce as 1 and after that they can remarry, and also after second divorce but not after third.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Thanks, Icono.

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Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Why is everyone flirting with the notion of remarrying?

There is a reason(s) why they got divorced in the first place, and even then divorce can take a couple of years.

The problem the sister faces is the ex-husband taking advantage of her good nature & kindness.

It's not easy for divorced woman to shut the door on their ex after divorce, esp where there are children involved.

Ideally, if she got remarried, then the ex would not be welcome by the new husband, but remarriage if not really an option either.

Single Pak mums get a raw deal.

Pakistani men once divorced are just arseholes unfortunately.

My wife has a divorced friend & her husband used to come over whenever he felt like, stayed for hours and hours. You just cant kick them out.

Basically, they are losers & take everyone down with them.

40

Now we are simply generalizing. Not a right thing to do