How to deal with my ex husband

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ok I’m in a deep crisis and need your advice. I don’t want people to sugar coat their advice no matter how harsh it may be. I need you to be honest.
I have been divorced from my husband since last Christmas. I have 4 children with him and they have accepted that we are not meant I be together and know that we will not ever remarry each other (I know that it isn’t permissible under Sharia Law).

I have always welcomed him into my home in order for him and his mother to see the children, before the divorce and while we were separated. My youngest child is only 5 and does not know that mummies and daddies are meant to live together. She thinks they are meant to live apart as this is all she’s known. She’s not lacking anything in her life as I’ve made sure of this since I had her on my own. Her father has tried to bond with her and she loves him very much. He does his duties as a father by taking them out and coming to see them with his mother and I’ve never objected to it. I politely asked him to keep the visits during the weekends and not during the week as they are always busy with school stuff.

A month ago, his mother went to Pakistan and is due back next week. In that time, we celebrated Eid and one of my daughters felt bad as he was on his own. She suggested that he spend some time with us by going out for a meal. Now I was very apprehensive about this because we are no longer man and wife and I feared what people would say if they saw us together.

I agreed to this dinner as it was a one off. I made a mistake here and since that time, he’s made excuses to pop round. When he does, I feel like I have to conform to how he used to be. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable because I know he’s staring at me and trying to get close to me. Also, I end up cooking twice as much and it’s an extra chore for me

The last straw was today when he said he wanted to take the children out to breakfast (in a Pakistani restaurant). I said I couldn’t come as I had work to do and the house to run. The children begged me and said they didn’t want me to be on my own and wouldn’t go without me. I gave in and the next thing I know, he’s spent the best part of the day at my house. I feel like everything has to be on hold when he comes round as it would look rude if I just go to my room and he spends time with the children. I don’t need to be in his presence but I’m too weak to do that.

Tonight as he was leaving to go home, the children were out of sight and he kept delaying his leave. He then he playfully slapped my behind. I was so taken aback and went red. He suggested that we get back together and remarry! The very thought of that makes my skin crawl cos I have never thought of him in that sense and I’m really angry that he has been having these feelings all this time.

I don’t want to be married anyone. I appreciate the help he offers and the time he spends on his children and I’ve explained this to him, and to his mother too.

How do I deal with this? If I say something, he will take out his anger on the children as he has done this in the past.

I feel I’m not strong enough to deal with this harassment. Do I speak to his mother because he won’t listen to me? She is on good terms with me despite what’s happened.

2

Be firm and be strong. Don't self blackmail yourself emotionally by thinking that he will take his anger out at kids. Limit his visits to what they are suppose to be, and tell your kids that he is na mehram to you so you can't join them for outings.

The only harsh thing I can say is that you delayed this unnecessarily, but it's still not too late.

3

How to deal with my ex husband

You should be firm and assertive. If he wants to take the kids out do you have to be with them?do you trust them to be with him alone? If so just explain to your kids nicely aswell that you arent alone its fine for them to go along with him, and sometimes mummy needs some down time to be alone and relax. They probably feel guilty as you dont show its ok for them to go with him

As for his suggestions to remarry. Just be firm and say no. He shouldnt be touching you. When his mother comes back if you say you are on good terms with her just explain look i dont have an issue with yohr son meeting his kids but i dont feel comfortable with the way he is around me. And that you dont appreciate being touched in an offensive manner!
Also maybe suggest he takes the kids on the weekends. Like to grandparents etc or his house and plan activities with them it doesnt always have to be at yours does it?

Islamically im sure people can advise better inshallah

4

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Thank you guys. I'm hoping for further replies too.

As for visitations, there is no other family member on his side where he can take the kids to. As 3 of my children are teenagers, they don't like going out so much, they're real home bodies. I will definitely speak to his mum when she gets back. My own mother has been warning me about not to let him into the house and instead make him wait in his car while parked on my driveway. I find that a little bit too cruel, he even asked my son to get him some water while seated in the car and I just found that really awkward to see.

5

How to deal with my ex husband

So when he visits on the weekend, if they have no place to go, cant you encourage the teens to try and split the day abit so tbey can pop out if he has to visit at yours you can let them get on with it. technically hes responsible on the weekend while visiting them; you need to show you arent weak and giving into him. And most certainly dont accept his physical advances! Its your home your rules. Make that clear

Where does he live? Like does he not have his own place they canvisit him at?

6

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

He lives with his mum. He's her carer. He basically sponges off her pension. He has a job now that doesn't pay well and the children feel it. They say that while they don't want us to remarry each other, they feel sorry for him cos he has no one but I have all my children living with me.

Both my teen daughters are studying for A levels and GCSEs and they will avoid going out if they can, so going to stay with their dad and grandmother in a pokey little one bedroom flat doesn't sound appealing. There's no privacy for them and they end up doing all the chores for their gran which they don't mind but their dad turns into a slavedriver demanding they do everything for him too, he never takes them out anywhere or engages with them. He watches GEO and ARY all day when the kids do go and there's never anything for the kids to do there.

7

All I can say is that stop feeling bad for him. You seem to be a kind hearted and soft person, which are very good traits to have, but this is not the time, as your politeness might be giving him wrong signals, hence his advances

8

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

I didn't think you could remarry islamically once divorced?

9

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

If u have to have the visits at ur house then u can set a certain time and plan ur outdoor errands around it. So if u want to go grocery shopping, get a haircut, a manicure, meeting up with a friend or whatever, do it during that time. My point here is not that u plan ur whole schedule for him, but even if u have no outdoor errands then just do something in another part of the house, like laundry, catching up on dramas, tidying up, skyping/talking on the phone with friends/relatives. Apart from that u don't need to entertain him at all. U don't need to be cooking for him and certainly not feel obligated to be present all the time. He's not really what u would put in the category of "guest". Just be courteous, u can just offer to make tea .... and snacks (that he can get himself from the cupboard if he feels like having something) but no kharay hokay shami kebab talna and tray sajana. Keep it simple, it's not a dinner/tea party.

If u feel awkward about having a conversation about time limits then u can do it subtly by asking him how long he plans on staying that day (before u leave for an outdoor errand). And he says 3 hours, u say Haan theek hae Mae phir 3 ghantay tuk aajaoongi. In fact I think all this nice treatment and time spending that ur doing with him is making him think u want to get back with him. Maybe he didn't expect u to be this nice after this divorce and all the reasons u separated in the first place. And now that he's seeing u be like this he's like "oh she still loves me" that's why she's always hovering when I'm there and making all these big dinners for me. And seriously if he's spending the better part of the day there then I think it would be MORE weird if u r present all the time than not! And if he's doing that often then I think u should have a proper conversation with him about setting a time period for his visits so ur family can plan their other activities as well.

I thought atleast divorce should come with the freedom of living ur life how u want and not feeling obligated or judged to serve ur ex inlaws dinner and guest treatment every time they come. If they have dinner plans outside then u have no need to be with them. I think A level sisters would be old enough to make sure their younger siblings r fine and capable of taking the 5 year old to the bathroom or help with the dinner feeding etc. There is no reason whatsoever for u to be there. I mean isn't it awkward?

10

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Islamically even 1 divorce is considered a divorce because if u don't reconcile in the defined period the the divorce is there to stay. Therefore the terminology sometimes used is that u can remarry/reconcile after 1 or 2 divorces without the need for a nikah but not after the 3rd divorce.

11

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

You’re worried about what people will say if they saw you with your ex-husband in public…but you’re not worried what they will say if they found out that you allowed him inside your home without another adult present? :confused:

I simply get the feeling that you’re too nice and you’re allowing everyone (him and your children) to control the situation. Here are my thoughts:

  1. You mother is right. He should call you when he’s on his way. As soon as he pulls up on the driveway, you and the 4 kids need to go outside. This is not cruel. In the U.S., this is a very typical arrangement where the ex-wife or husband picks up children outside the home. In many situations, the ex doesn’t even come to the house. They will have a mutually agreed place such as a park or restaurant where the kids are dropped off.

  2. You need to explain to all your children that sometimes you need some time to yourself…just to relax, spend time with your friends, or to care of errands. You need to tell them there is nothing wrong with this, and you are not sad or upset at being by yourself if they go with spend time with your dad without you.

  3. You are the mother here. I understand that your 3 teens are home bodies…but its not going to cause them harm to go outside the home with their dad for a few hours. As the parents, you and your ex-husband need to pick a place outside your home where your ex can spend a few hours with them. It can be a restaurant, park, ex’s mom’s home wherever. Once that place has been chosen, you TELL…yes TELL not ask…your 4 children that they will either be picked up or dropped off at that location.

You being nice and understanding has led to him slapping your behind. Put a stop to this before it goes further the next time.

12

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

:omg:

sorry. But what a way to propose marriage. Slap and ask. haha
I wish it was this simple for first time proposing.

13

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

You CAN remarry islamically IF you want to but I don't see the point.

You should not allow him in your house, he can take the kids or meet them outside.

14

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

The first time someone used the term "islamically" was STA. Wonder if he gets royalty.

15

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Wow, I find it odd that he can so "easily" say that you both should get remarried when the process (halala) for remarrying your ex spouse is anything but easy.

I think you should clarify matters with him because it seems that he is under the wrong impression that maybe you're "encouraging" him or that you have feelings for him. He may see your silence as shyness or encouragement even. So, gently talk to him about the remarriage comment so he knows where you stand and also talk to your kids that they shouldn't be so pushy.

16

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

if he loves his kidz & want to spend some time with them....you should allow him take them in HIS home, in a park or in a market but never ever in your home although u r alone or not

17

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

What everyone else said. Plus, you don't owe him anything, not even courteousness. Being as mush rude as possible from now on is the solution.

18

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Where is your family, I mean your mother, father or sisters/brothers? You can narrate this to them and ask them to meet your ex-husband one day and clear this up. Alternatively you can take help of a mutual friend or tell his mother clearly.

19

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

They can remarry without halala

20

Re: How to deal with my ex husband

Let him know that his behaviour and the connotation is unacceptable to you.
Be precise, be direct. Both with him and the children. If your children are old enough to let you know that they don't want to go out with him then let them know that you are even less comfortable being around him.

Make yourself scarce.
Leave the home when he is expected to spend time there. Save your errands like groceries to be done at that time.
You are not expected to play "hostess" when he comes around. His time at your home should be for the children. He should be helping them with homework or doing other entertaining activities with them.....not behaving like a visitor while you wait on him.

Minimize conversation.
Restrict your verbal communication to salam/dua and matters that pertain to the children. That's it. Nothing more.

Control body language.
Mind what you wear when you are expected to be in his presence. Be sure it is modest attire.
Be polite in your expression but not friendly.

A period of this sort of activity will deliver the message and hopefully you won't have to keep it up.