How to deal with hypocritical family members??

[Beeba123]

Hi all

First off - Merry Christmas to those who celebrated and a Happy forthcoming New Year

I have a quick one this time.

So, in my house it’s me (26), mum, dad, brother(31), SIL(32) and 3 of their kids(under 5). Housefull, I know. But thats life desi style lol. Anyway, I basically fine with it, I don’t mind it most of the time (corse sometimes I wish I had my own space) but there is just one thing I can’t hack. My brother, and sometimes his wife, are the biggest damn hypocrites ever. I go out, I party, I live my life however I choose (within reason, of corse) and my parents are OK with it. The only thing they don’t know if is that I drink here and there (haram police please don’t bother). No one at home does. Thing is, so does my brother. But he doesn’t know I know. And he complains a hell of a lot of I do anything that he deems ‘unislamic’ or ‘wrong’. He lost his **** last week for a moment when my mum brought home a Christmas tree. She only bought it cos she basically likes plants, we don’t celebrate it. But I was sitting there thinking…how are you complaining right now when you literally went drinking out with your pals last week (I 100% know this to be true, so don’t worry to question it).

EVEN THOUGH he does the same things!!! If he ever found out I drank, I would be dead, and it pisses me off!!! I hate our culture dicates guys can do whatever and girls can’t. My point is, he makes so many comments and passes so much judgment on me and I just have to sit there like a lemon and take it cos ‘bhai ke izzat etc’.

My SIL is great, but she is similar (she does not drink but she passes a hell of a lot of judgement) sometime. She will make comments here and there about what is right and wrong…but do the same thing herself.

Question is: How do I deal with this?? It drives me crazy, I cant say much to my bro cos he is older so I basically keep quiet and live my best life out in secret, lol. But inside I am boiling. And before anyone says move out,I can’t. I can’t afford to and its not something my dad wants me to do before marriage (sign). I just find it so frustrating that he can be soooooo damn hypocritical but at the same time if anyone was to find out what he gets up to in secret, it would be OK. But if they found out about me, RIP.

Advice is always appreciated.

[third_string]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Get married and move out lol or skip the married part.

[Bobby1]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

The only way to thrive in that culture is by hypocrisy, I know these people who were judging their best friends wife and sister because they wear modern clothes etc, and I for a fact know that their own daughters had done everything under the sun. Most of my nephews are cultural muslims also and drink and all and their parents gloat about how religious their kids are, again when my son Safy went to unii he told me that most muslims in uni drank like fish.

This girl in who was in Safys high school and her dad is a violent religious guy who has been beating her since she was little and even did her Nikah over the phone with a cousin in Pak, away from home claims to be an atheist, drinks, eats pork and has lots of affairs but at home she acts very religious.

So if you want peace at home beat them at their own game and be way more hypocritical and mention religion, faith, halal and haram coming and going.

[Shareefbacha95]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Be honest and tell your brother. Honesty is the best policy.

[queer]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Maybe plant a bottle of rum in brother’s room and call the parental units on him, get him kicked out and take over his room and live happily ever after. :cheers:

[redvelvet]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Beeba,

The only difference between you and your bro is that he is more vocal about haram vs halal though he doesn’t adhere to the rules himself, whereas you remain quiet in this regard. But you’re both chicken-chit scared of mere mortals (like yourself)…such as your parents, siblings, in-laws, extended family, or any aunti or uncle…ever catching either of you drinking. Every person is a hypocrite to some extent. We should be more scared of Allah (if we believe in Him) being able to see us. But we tend to be more afraid of His creation instead and I would not be surprised if that is a form of shirk because the fear of the creation is being given greater precedence than fear of Allah. And, yes, I know that none of this is what you want to hear. And if I sound like the “haram-police” …so be it.

***The truth is that you and bro are guilty of the same act, of the same lack of fear of Allah but greater fear of fellow humans…so neither one of you are that much better than the other in this particular issue.

Now if you don’t believe in Islam (and that is your choice)…then that is another issue altogether. But if you DO believe in the religion, then you need to examine why you’re drinking…even if it’s just here and there. Do you derive nutritional benefit from it? Is it because it does your organs some good? Do you do it to gain social approval from coworkers and friends? Do you do it because it reduces your inhibitions? I dunno…I always thought that “fun” is more “fun” when you experience it with full capacity and not with dulled senses. Is it something that is absolutely necessary for you in the grand scheme of life…or do you think you can manage to abstain from it…as you do other great vices.

It seems bro is just projecting his guilt onto others…in the same way that a cheating man accuses his wife of infidelity; the flimsy cover-up makes him feel somewhat better.

If you’re looking for advice on how to shut your brother up or get him back…what’s the point in that? Why not just work on improving upon this habit of yours. When you stop drinking yourself…then you will have more of a leverage for telling him off or showing him the mirror (if that’s what you wanna do). But until then…you both are pretty much on equal footing in this regard.

If it’s too long of a read for you, then just read the bolded part.

[NavAhmed]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

I stopped drinking eight months ago. I stopped it on my own accord, I had been drinking since 14 years of age and sometimes used to binge. Why not stop?

[IsaidwhatIsaid]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Who cares? These type of haram police dipsh*ts are everywhere and ignoring them is the best thing if they have no authority over you. If this guy had even a little self awareness he would STFU about trying to be more Islamic since he literally drinks. I know you can’t move out but you can at least remove the influence of your brother in your life. Ignore his dumbass and continue to do what you do (as long as it is within reason) because trying to “expose” him won’t work out since he has dirt on you as well. Also, it is desi family logic. You can’t really do much to change it, but you can resist it a little by being smart about your choices. It’s sad, but it is life.

[Iconoclast]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

So you drink and party, but keep it a secret due to family pressure. Your brother does not approve due to societal pressure. He is a hypocrite and you are not.

Clap , clap, clap

Quite a resemblance to one of your fans here, who brags about certain aspects of his sons life but not his daughter.

[decentGuy]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

Whoever introduced you to drinking was not your well wisher. I don’t think your brother is being a hypocrite. He is your well wisher. Even though he himself drinks, that doesn’t mean you should ignore his well meaning advice.

We subconsciously seek only good examples around us but ignore countless bad ones as justification for our own bad habits. These things start small but it takes only 1 tragedy to send life into a tailspin.

I knew this girl who was a little older than me. She used to drink only with her boyfriend when they were alone. I learned of this and much more only after their breakup, during which she not only lost her job but had also become an alcoholic. She was eventually evicted from her apartment. Almost 200 empty bottles were found in her apartment. The landlord after seeing the mess there said that he had never seen such a pest infestation in his career of being a professional landlord for nearly two decades. So be mindful and rid yourself of this habit. A stitch in time, saves nine.

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@third_string

Get married and move out lol or skip the married part.

Lol if only

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@Bobby1

The only way to thrive in that culture is by hypocrisy, I know these people who were judging their best friends wife and sister because they wear modern clothes etc, and I for a fact know that their own daughters had done everything under the sun. Most of my nephews are cultural muslims also and drink and all and their parents gloat about how religious their kids are, again when my son Safy went to unii he told me that most muslims in uni drank like fish.

This girl in who was in Safys high school and her dad is a violent religious guy who has been beating her since she was little and even did her Nikah over the phone with a cousin in Pak, away from home claims to be an atheist, drinks, eats pork and has lots of affairs but at home she acts very religious.

So if you want peace at home beat them at their own game and be way more hypocritical and mention religion, faith, halal and haram coming and going.

LOOOOOOL this made me laugh. I do see what you mean but I can’t do this with my older siblings. Basically…when your the youngest you get in trouble for even breathing the wrong way

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@queer

Maybe plant a bottle of rum in brother’s room and call the parental units on him, get him kicked out and take over his room and live happily ever after. :cheers:

LOL

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@redvelvet

Beeba,

The only difference between you and your bro is that he is more vocal about haram vs halal though he doesn’t adhere to the rules himself, whereas you remain quiet in this regard. But you’re both chicken-chit scared of mere mortals (like yourself)…such as your parents, siblings, in-laws, extended family, or any aunti or uncle…ever catching either of you drinking. Every person is a hypocrite to some extent. We should be more scared of Allah (if we believe in Him) being able to see us. But we tend to be more afraid of His creation instead and I would not be surprised if that is a form of shirk because the fear of the creation is being given greater precedence than fear of Allah. And, yes, I know that none of this is what you want to hear. And if I sound like the “haram-police” …so be it.

***The truth is that you and bro are guilty of the same act, of the same lack of fear of Allah but greater fear of fellow humans…so neither one of you are that much better than the other in this particular issue.

Now if you don’t believe in Islam (and that is your choice)…then that is another issue altogether. But if you DO believe in the religion, then you need to examine why you’re drinking…even if it’s just here and there. Do you derive nutritional benefit from it? Is it because it does your organs some good? Do you do it to gain social approval from coworkers and friends? Do you do it because it reduces your inhibitions? I dunno…I always thought that “fun” is more “fun” when you experience it with full capacity and not with dulled senses. Is it something that is absolutely necessary for you in the grand scheme of life…or do you think you can manage to abstain from it…as you do other great vices.

It seems bro is just projecting his guilt onto others…in the same way that a cheating man accuses his wife of infidelity; the flimsy cover-up makes him feel somewhat better.

If you’re looking for advice on how to shut your brother up or get him back…what’s the point in that? Why not just work on improving upon this habit of yours. When you stop drinking yourself…then you will have more of a leverage for telling him off or showing him the mirror (if that’s what you wanna do). But until then…you both are pretty much on equal footing in this regard.

If it’s too long of a read for you, then just read the bolded part.

I read it all! Thanks for your concern.
I think you are right about him projecting his guilt on me, makes sense.

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@NavAhmed

I stopped drinking eight months ago. I stopped it on my own accord, I had been drinking since 14 years of age and sometimes used to binge. Why not stop?

Well done!

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@IsaidwhatIsaid

Who cares? These type of haram police dipsh*ts are everywhere and ignoring them is the best thing if they have no authority over you. If this guy had even a little self awareness he would STFU about trying to be more Islamic since he literally drinks. I know you can’t move out but you can at least remove the influence of your brother in your life. Ignore his dumbass and continue to do what you do (as long as it is within reason) because trying to “expose” him won’t work out since he has dirt on you as well. Also, it is desi family logic. You can’t really do much to change it, but you can resist it a little by being smart about your choices. It’s sad, but it is life.

Yeah totally, I agree. It does help to vent here though!!!

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@Iconoclast

So you drink and party, but keep it a secret due to family pressure. Your brother does not approve due to societal pressure. He is a hypocrite and you are not.

Clap , clap, clap

Quite a resemblance to one of your fans here, who brags about certain aspects of his sons life but not his daughter.

Um…I have no idea what your talking about.

[Beeba123]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@decentGuy

Whoever introduced you to drinking was not your well wisher. I don’t think your brother is being a hypocrite. He is your well wisher. Even though he himself drinks, that doesn’t mean you should ignore his well meaning advice.

We subconsciously seek only good examples around us but ignore countless bad ones as justification for our own bad habits. These things start small but it takes only 1 tragedy to send life into a tailspin.

I knew this girl who was a little older than me. She used to drink only with her boyfriend when they were alone. I learned of this and much more only after their breakup, during which she not only lost her job but had also become an alcoholic. She was eventually evicted from her apartment. Almost 200 empty bottles were found in her apartment. The landlord after seeing the mess there said that he had never seen such a pest infestation in his career of being a professional landlord for nearly two decades. So be mindful and rid yourself of this habit. A stitch in time, saves nine.

Lol, slightly dramatic example, but thanks all the same.
But you indirectly saying his hypocrisy and OK. And I wonder why Asian men do this…fascinating…

[decentGuy]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

^^^Yes, that hypocrisy is alright if you want to call it that. I’ve seen guys who introduce their friends/gfs to smoking, drinking and drugs on the pretext of not being hypocritical because they themselves do that. In pop culture that would be seen as being genuine but I don’t think so.

[Bobby1]

Re: How to deal with hypocritical family members??

@decentGuy

^^^Yes, that hypocrisy is alright if you want to call it that. I’ve seen guys who introduce their friends/gfs to smoking, drinking and drugs on the pretext of not being hypocritical because they themselves do that. In pop culture that would be seen as being genuine but I don’t think so.

All my female colleagues drink and they are extremely successful in life, Jessica, the Indonesian girl was into bodybuilding, is amazingly fit. She just bought a gleaming Audi Q5, got married to a very good looking Canadian guy and just became a mother. Also moderate drinking is associated with better cardiovascular health and longevity. Too much biryyani will kill you same as too much alcohol. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. If it is not against your belief and you can drink in moderation then there is nothing wrong with it, perhaps there maybe health benefits.