How to be indifferent?

[BusyBee]

Re: How to be indifferent?

I am sorry you are going through all of this. You just need to stand up for yourself. Your hubby should have a talk with his parents but I highly doubt he will do that. My Mil tried to do the same thing with me. When I first got married, she would come with me EVERYWHERE!!!! Like even if I was going to get tomatoes or milk or something. She even came with me to a brunch with my mom. Which was very awkward. I simply stopped telling her that I was going anywhere. I would grab my bag and leave, and on my way out I would say allahaffiz. She would ask me where I am going, and I would answer politely and she would ask me to wait for her to get ready. Eventually, I started walking out of the door and whispering allahafiz before leaving. Or I would leave when she would take her mid-afternoon nap. I did spend a lot of time locked up in my room because I just wanted to stay away from her. But you can simply leave. If she creates drama later, just tell her that you were in a rush.

She would want to come with hubby and I on our dates. Then I asked hubby if he could spend some time with me alone and he simply told her that he wanted to take me out alone. After a few times she stopped asking to come with us. Perhaps, you can ask your hubby to take you out more often.

My situation got a lot better once my college started because I was too busy to deal with her and if I needed to do anything, I could tell her that I needed to go do something college related. You should get a job and stop worrying about what she says. Start volunteering somewhere or start going to the gym so you would have an excuse to leave. Visit your parents more. Go to a friend's house. Start decorating your room so you are busy and not thinking about her. Read a book on your downtime instead of running her b.s. in ur head all the time. Go away for the weekend with hubby. You ahem to convince him to let you stay at your parent's for a few days. Tell him that it is needed and you can cook 2 days food before leaving. Ask hubby to get food from outside for a couple of days. Do you have any siblings? Maybe you can share your situation with them?

You're right, he'll never have a "talk" with them, he already told me that! He's very quiet type, doesn't say much to them even if they say something wrong to HIM. Like, one time when they weren't staying with us....he was busy with work and didn't call them for two days. They called and told him so much stuff and told him "tum to biwi ke hi ho kar reh gaye ho" and he replied with "aur sunayen ammi"....like he didn't even correct them saying that during those 2 days he was so busy that he didn't come till 1 AM at night....what biwi ka ho ke?!

      I would leave, but she says ruko main bhi aati hun. I can't say I'm getting late coz usually she just leaves in her abaya, which is hanging and she just gotta put it on in a minute. I've done that before (mom told me this trick too) and she took less than a minute to "get ready" lol. And yup, we hadn't had a "date night" in 7 months until this month when they left. OMG, you won't believe this one---she doesn't watch movies, barely understands english movies. One time hubby and I wanted to go to the movies and she wanted to come with us!! Hubby told her ammi you won't understand....and you know what she said...."movies dekhna haraam hai, woh bhi english n theater mein"....like wth woman, you wanted to come with us! So basically, because we said no to her and she started lecturing it's haraam lol. It doesn't help that FIL starts to join her in all the tantrums and takes her side! Sometimes, I make myself feel better by thinking she really has some psychological problems, really. 

I'm really contemplating on getting a job now. I'm just worried what if I do get pregnant, then go thru all her drama, and the job will really make me crazy again during pregnancy. Another funny thing, whenever I decided to go to mom's (she lives in a diff city), cousin's (diff city), or anything "time consuming", SIL (diff city) decided to come over for 2-3 weeks! God forbid if I leave the house when SIL's over coz who's gonna cater to her "farmaishes" then?

I just have a little brother who's 15.....I can't share much with him. Although, he does hear when mom's talking to me and mom tells me he tells her that I should leave this house lol.

[aurchaepiyo]

Re: How to be indifferent?

Perhaps the job will keep you sane, because when you will be doing your job, you will know who you are and where you are and why. Your self-esteem will go up, and you will not worry if hubby is going to leave you.

[S_and_S]

How to be indifferent?

I still don't understand how you feel okay with brining a baby into this mix. I can understand your desires for a baby but if you are so consumed in their drama it will be just as bad with a child and I'm sure they're going to want to raise it in their way? Are you okay with this? Are you ready to handle them controlling your baby (inshallah) too? I have seen that happen do that's why I'm curious about how you will handle that if you can't handle their drama now. Your okay with your hubby not understanding what he's doing to you mentally?

[BusyBee]

Re: How to be indifferent?

Perhaps the job will keep you sane, because when you will be doing your job, you will know who you are and where you are and why. Your self-esteem will go up, and you will not worry if hubby is going to leave you.

True! I should try that for a change! When they aren't living with us, hubby and I barely have any arguments and when they are, it feels like I'm not even living with my husband. They can't see us sitting alone for 5 minutes! Hubby comes from work, goes to our room, I go in to ask how the day was and all....MIL comes and sits with us on our bed, not leaving until I decide to leave or she tells me to go do something in the kitchen. Recently, I stopped sitting with him to ask him anything so MIL can have all the time with him lol.

[BusyBee]

Re: How to be indifferent?

I still don't understand how you feel okay with brining a baby into this mix. I can understand your desires for a baby but if you are so consumed in their drama it will be just as bad with a child and I'm sure they're going to want to raise it in their way? Are you okay with this? Are you ready to handle them controlling your baby (inshallah) too? I have seen that happen do that's why I'm curious about how you will handle that if you can't handle their drama now. Your okay with your hubby not understanding what he's doing to you mentally?

Honeslty, I'm not ok. That's why I said I feel like my PCOS is a blessing in disguise. But, mom/khaala/mumani tell me that after a baby it's going to be better? I mean it could go either way. I've seen it going either way with people. It'll be like taking a chance at their behavior. That's not the point though. I'm getting old and with my PCOS I'm afraid it'll be too late bcoz I really want kids....of course not in this environment. I have talked to hubby regarding this, he said they'll get better after the kid (which I doubt). I asked him what if they don't....and he said "he won't let that happen". I donno what that was supposed to mean.

Actually, he's also tired of their behavior, but doesn't know how to handle it. He says what can I do, I can't tell them to leave my house, which I understand. He knows if he says anything to them, more tantrums/crying/wailing will begin and he HATES that stuff. So, he ignores it and tells me to do so. If only I could find a way to ignore it!

Recently though, one aunty in the community asked me "aap apni saas ka khayal rakha karen, bechari itni acchi aurat hain, unhe khush rakho, unki duaen lo, bechari bauhat mayoos hain". That same aunty once last year said "allah aisi bahu sab ko de" when she saw me bringing food/water/chai and catering for MIL's demands at a dawat, while MIL sat all the time gossiping. I barely talk to that aunty and MIL's been talking a lot to her lately and going to her house. Aunty randomly told me that, and I replied with "InshaAllah" and left. So God knows what's MIL been telling her. I told hubby and he told me that I should have told the aunty that "main to bauhat khayal rakhti hun, aapko kisne kaha ke mayoos hain blah blah blah".....basically, he told me to tell her off in a polite way (which again I can't do). So, I asked him that he doesn't want me to talk to his mom like that then why some other "older aunty".....he said because he knows his mom and her nature. So, I think it's more to do with his mom, right? right? right?

Miraculously, MIL always makes best friends with people who praise me in front of her and later I find their changed behavior towards me. Whenever she sees me talking to someone in a good way or laughing, she asks me mujhe bhi inka number do, even if she doesn't know them at all, and saves the number to her phone for later use!! True story!

[S_and_S]

How to be indifferent?

Seriously girl, I want to punch your family members in the face. lol

Jokes aside, I hope things get better for you. Have you and hubby tried talking about taking a small holiday somewhere? Maybe it will help the two of you reconnect. And no the in laws can't come...

[BusyBee]

Re: How to be indifferent?

Seriously girl, I want to punch your family members in the face. lol

Jokes aside, I hope things get better for you. Have you and hubby tried talking about taking a small holiday somewhere? Maybe it will help the two of you reconnect. And no the in laws can't come...

Yeah, I want to do that too sometimes but, obviously can't lol. Yeah, hopefully things get better for everyone with in-laws problem inshaAllah. Yeah, we are going to Smoky Mountains ALONE this weekend....ALONE after like 2 years lol. And obviously hubby had to tell in-laws bcoz what if they find out later and whole new tantrum will begin. So, my MIL's reply..."hamare aane ka wait kar lete, itni jaldi kya thi, hum bhi chalte, SIL bhi chalti" lol. Hubby told them coz it's a long weekend and he won't get off later lol. Seriously, I don't know if I should laugh or cry!

[aurchaepiyo]

Re: How to be indifferent?

YES! That's it!! You just tell them that your procreativity just can't happen when there is anyone else in the house and oh, so sorry, but if they want a grandkid they're going to have to leave you guys alone to your romantic selves...;)

[mizsani]

Re: How to be indifferent?

Tell your hubby you will visit your mom once a month and to tell you the dates in advance. If your SIL wants to visit during that time, then its her fault. You need to make it clear to him. Ask him in the beginning of the month which days will be good for you to leave for ur mom's.

Talk to your mom on a daily basis, not just about them though. Just call her and if ur MIL asks you to do something while you are on the phone, just tell her it will take you ___minutes. If she throws a tantrum, just walk out of the house and relax. If she throws a bigger tantrum when you get back, then leave again until your husband comes back. Tell him that you could not be in that environment because you can not take it anymore. If she cries, then you should tell her and your hubby that you can not make them happy all the time.

[Sehar]

Re: How to be indifferent?

For the sake of your sanity, PLEASE GET A JOB. It seems like nothing else in this equation will change - your in laws attitude, your husbands thinking, etc and you will sulk away like this while they nibble away at the very fabric of your being. You are a speech pathologist for God's sake, and you will HELP people, and there's nothing unislamic about that. Sitting at home, hoping to conceive in that environment is not the answer. Once you do conceive, you can always leave your job depending on what the circumstances are. Don't ruin your present thinking about the what "if's". You have a qualified degree, please use it. Your husband may disapprove, but he really doesn't have a valid reason to, and he will get over it. Next please maintain relationships with people you rely on, your parents of course, your siblings and your close friends. None of those need to be given up once you get married.