How to be indifferent?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: How to be indifferent?

Ok - your hubby wants you to be nice and ignore. So be nice and ignore. Tell Mil nicely you would like some time to yourself. Tell hubby nicely you would like some time to yourself. And then ignore both your MIL and hubby tantrums. As long as you are calm and don't argue back and provide fuel the fire will burn itself after a month.

If your hubby complains to you ( after MIL complains to him) just smile ( not mocking but pleasant). Tell him you will always be nice to your MIL. That going out without here once in a while is healthy for both you and your MIL. And then say " I am sure you agree".

Read a blot from X2 about 2-3 days ago. It was about futility of venting about something we have no control over. Change what you can accept what you cant change. That blot just may change your life for the better.

In the meantime keep venting here. No worries :)

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Meant blog, not blot.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

my god, I feel trapped after only just reading your entries.

You HAVE to do something. I know its difficult to speak up. Not all of us are extroverts or have a strong personality or know how to defend ourselves from bullies. But you need to make a move. No matter how small it is. Start off with something small, start going out alone. Go once a week alone and after a month increase it to two times and so on. Yes there will thoda tamasha, but you have to be strong. It will feel bad when they ignore you and talk dirty to and about you. Bear it. Cry it out. Get angry and go out alone again.

Men will never take responsibility for anything. Specially desi men. Coz apparently working and bring in the bucks makes them God.

Women are just supposed to win their respect and love by winning the respect and love of their family members byt ignoring things. Mind you the husband and his family however demands this respect. Whether they deserve it is not even an option.

I'm sorry your husband is not on your side if he does not know how badly this is affecting you. Pyaar karne ki himmat hai lekin nibhane ki ?? He cannot face his parents because he is not strong enough. Just because they are parents does not make them right 100%. Love is not only confined to the bedroom. He needs to show you he loves you by setting things right for you. But he is not doing that. If he can feel the pain of his parents why not yours ???

You know you are on your own in this battle. Get some courage and take the plunge.

Your inlaws seem to have great insecurity issues. FIL does not work , so you hubby is the golden egg that they need to be incontrol of. I dont get how just being a parent gives you the right to act like you own your child's life. You bring a child in this world so better take care of it and nurture it. It becomes your duty. You cant use that as a stick over your child head and ask him or her to be grateful for it.

So basically either you are just gonna have to live with your sh*tty inlaws like this forever or you gotta do something on your own.

You have no savior. Pray all you want to, but God can't help you if you don't help yourself.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

^ sincere post with most appropriate advice. Want to reinforce the baby steps approach - star by doing something - however small.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

I usually dont reply to any posts but i had to reply for yours.

After ready your post i can totally feel your pain..its is very hard when you know something is not right you want to speak up but your are not the kind of person who has the courage too specially with in laws.

you actually made a mistake by leaving your job but its ok now just like someone said in the eatlier post that you have to take baby steps. and you know that there will be lots of dramas but just remember Women are very good pretenders. So you have to stay cool with both ur hubby and inlaws… but do nottt let them ruin ur life..u are the one who have the control dont let them control u. you dont have to be rude to achieve what you want to achieve just have a little courage. Next time when you go to get the mail and your MIL wants to come with you.. If you live in an apartment Give her the key to the mail box and say its ok Ami or what ever u call her you can go check the mail today. or if you live in a house you can still tell her to check the mail.. and pretend like you just remembered to do something else. you can still make the food and do your daily things that you do…but instead of just being in your room go out alone for a walk…that will make you feel better…if she wants to come with you take her and go for such a long walk that she learns her lesson .. if she cant walk anymore…you guys will already be so far that she will not have a choice but to keep walking.. lol i sound so mean ..But realistically u need to learn to not let her go with you at times..when you are going to get groceries leave before she realize that you are going some where.. and off coarse hubby will qestion you just be cool and make up stuff … plan things have courage..all this is not going to happen over night ..one thing at a time… are they too old any chance of them :bummer:… sorry but oh well if they are making your life miserable i dont feel any sympathy for them.. Remember you are th eonly one who can do something about this situation no one is going to get you out of it not even your husband..but in any case always keep your relationship strong with your hubby and dont argue with him just because of ur inlwas…

one thing once you start speaking up may be ur inlwas will get the vibe that you are not a scary cat anymore.. but if u stay quite they will run you overrrrrr…also never say anything infront of your husband and always be nice to them infron of hubby..try to be friendly with ur sasu maa may be she will change..have you ever tried to buy gifs for her because in laws love taking gifts and usually like the bahu who is more generous.

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How to be indifferent?

Well this is classic emotional abuse if not out and out bullying. You need to understand that even if you were the most perfect bahu, they will still behave this way, because this is about control and inability to accept that their son has made his own choice and they are taking it out on you, because 1. They know you care enough to let them, 2. Because your husband doest care enough to make a stand.

You need to take make a stand; do as you wish and ignore the tantrums, and drama that comes with it. They are being unreasonable. Give an ultimatum to your husband to step up; and act like a husband. Abuse is not allowed in islam, He owes you that much.

Where is your family in all of this? Is it not possible to take a break and stay with them for abit?

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Re: How to be indifferent?

I really appreciate your replies and advice everyone. Baby steps is correct, and I did try that about 6 months ago bcoz I was getting really frustrated since I'm having a hard time to conceive as well, and it wasn't healthy for me to be in all this added stress. On every little thing, she starts to cry in front of FIL and talks to SIL on the phone on purpose and cries to her, and cries in front of hubby that she raised him, had him in her tummy for 9 months, blah blah blah......hubby gets emotional and starts to argue with me that I should take it "light" whatever she says. I mean how do I take this "light". I try to, I keep it all inside and don't say a word, but what about all her drama and tantrums?
And No, they're not that old. SIL is my age, FIL is about 50, MIL is 48. And yes, I've given them gifts many times and they have never given me a dime, not even on the wedding. On the other hand, I've given them gifts at any occasion possible. I gave her a diamond ring ($800) on MY first eid after our wedding, when it should be the other way around. She looked at it, made a face, kept it on the coffee table, it laid there for a week, until I told hubby to tell her to pick it up. She still didn't pick it up, I had to put it on her dresser in her room, which she completely ignored like she doesn't even know that it's on her dresser. I send gifts for SIL and her kids/husband whenever she goes to visit her, every single time. I give gifts to SIL when she comes to stay with us. Hubby paid for SILs wedding. Hubby takes care of every single expense. FIL says it proudly that his son owes it to them since he raised him and paid for his education/bringing up. One time they asked me about something and I said "hamari car mein hai" as in "me or my hubby's car".....she started a whole tantrum and started telling me, us car per tum se zyada hamara haq hai, tumari car kahan se aayi, bcoz their son bought it.....I didn't even know that I had to measure every word that comes out of my mouth so they don't find it offensive. Now, if they ask anything I have to say (my husband's name) ki car mein hai or (my husband's name) ke paise, and the like. I don't even count in their life!
SIL is my age and acts as if she's older than my hubby and bosses around when she's over. She tells MIL what to do and MIL is always comparing me to her, even in something little as which side of the shoe I wear first and her daughter wears first, how she walks and how I walk, and how she didn't work coz she's from shareef gharana.....etc.
My parents are out of this bcoz I kept them. I don't tell them all these things coz I don't want them to be stressed. I just tell mom sometimes when I'm really going crazy. The funny thing, MIL doesn't let me talk much. As soon as she sees I'm on the phone, she comes sit with me or tells me jaldi aao koi kaam hai. So I have to text mom most of the time. My in-laws and parents have no relation at all, they all haven't talked since I got married and I've been married for almost 5 years. My parents tried to call in the beginning on special occasions and for dawats but they either said they were busy to come, or didn't return calls/voicemails....so, I told them to stop calling coz they're not desperate. When I DO tell mom, she tells me to speak up and not be a doormat, but I don't how to. My mom knows that I'm a really quiet person too and can't speak up coz I never even did that in my home either, so she knows that in-laws are taking advantage of me. She called to stay over for while, but hubby didn't let me coz who was gonna cook for them!! MIL/FIL is able to do everything, but they still don't even get up to get a cup of water and call me to get them one! They don't even fold their clothes after I do the laundry, they don't even iron their own clothes. When we go out on a dawat or something, I have to take care of all the chores first, iron everyone's clothes, take care of all little things and obviously I get ready a little later than them coz they don't have to do anything....and I still get to hear "kitni lazy hai, kitna time lagati hai" :(

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How to be indifferent?

You dont help yourself by isolating yourself from your own family. You need all the support you can get. I dont understand the excuse ' i dont tell my parents cuz i dont want to stress them' because

  1. Thats what they are there for, to support you in tough times. 2. They would appreciate you telling them earlier, rather than finding out when things have come to a head, and by then theres no going back, 3. An isolated person is much easier to abuse, as they know you dont have a support network. They will intentionally attempt to isolate you first. So build up your network of friends and family again. Atleast you will have someone to talk to.

Speak up to your husband; keeping quite in this situation is not clever, or helpful. It is detrimental to your health, your husband is too daft to notice.

According to the quran, speaking strongly/ harshly is not allowed, except for when a victim speaks against an injustice. You have the right to speak up.... Dont become a self martyr when you have other options available.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

This is really sad, my heart goes out to you. :(

Just like his parents have rights over him, your parents have rights over you. You came in existence the same way he did. Your parents too raised you, spent on your education etc etc. May be you should have your mom cry and throw tantrums next time he doesn't let you stay over.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

you sound like cinderella!

how is your husband ok with you being treated this way?

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Re: How to be indifferent?

wo that is really so sad. definitely keep in touch with your family. maybe you can take trips you your moms house or siblings house? if the MIL wants to come, let her (considering they made so many excuses before i doubt she would). try to find a part time job or activities to do so you have reason to go out of the house.

like someone mentioned before, you really need to step up and make sure you and your husband are on the same page. he "loves" you and needs to respect you and stand up for you. you are married. you are ONE. its not his car, his this, his that. it is both of yours! you need to be more open with him and clearly communicate you feelings and hurt and health issues due to this. explain to him how it is not healthy for your relationship, you cannot live like this for the rest of your lives. he's a man so he should come and accept his responsibilities.

slowly make yourself busy with work/activities so that you have less time to cook, clean, iron, and baby your in laws. MIL should finally get the hint. let her *itch and complain. she will get over it. just make sure communication lines are open between the hubby and you so hes not stuck being a momma's boy and leaving his poor wife in the dust.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Enough is enough with these in-laws. They won't ever be happy with you no matter what you do - so stop catering to them.

Get a job and get out the house - given the way things are going, be financially independent and start to put your claim on things starting with your husband. Tell them that what belongs to him, does belong to you. Being a doormat is what's gotten you into trouble in the first place - they walk all over you because they know they can. Stop being their victim.

Your time is your own and you are not their babysitter, I can't freaking well believe MIL was in a snit because you didn't take her to your doctor's appointment - that is ridiculous!

The key though, is to be polite all the while through. When you want to go grocery shopping, pick up your bag and just go. You don't need their permission and you don't need to ask them. If your husband says anything about it, tell him you need some privacy and if he can't get you your own home away from the in-laws, you will seek your privacy by shopping alone and visiting your family on your own.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Is any man actually worth all this?

I mean, this marriage is detrimental to your health. When you work, do you make enough to support yourself?

Wow. I’m older than your in-laws. Shame on them, behaving like that. :disgust:

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Wow busy bee, my heart goes out to you. I think your biggest issue is that you do not speak up, and I think payal sharma has laid it out best so far. I can understand you are not the feisty type but you still need to learn to pick your battles. And like someone above stated, you definitely need to keep your parents in the loop about what is going on. If not for them to get involved but a little peace of mind for yourself, for YOUR sanity. I know it hurts them to know you are suffering, but you are still the one suffering in this everyday gong show and need your own support which by the sounds of your post your husband is not providing. I almost feel like saying shame on him because he married you out of his own will. These people are absolutely insane and your husband is a very weak man (not to say that in a mean way at all) but he decided to marry you from his own will and not he can't even protect you. I don't understand guys and their mentality of "not wanting to be involved." when YOU brought this girl into your home, its YOUR duty to keep the peace if theres trouble between the families. He should of never brought you into this family if he couldn't handle his parents drama, and if he expected them to change and they DID NOT, thats still on HIM, he needs to find the balance. If my husband hadn't stood up for me when he needed to, I probably wouldn't of been able to stay in that home. My FIL expected me to come in and literally be a slave for their family, I did what I needed to do but I could not do EVERYTHING regardless of what he had to say because I am only human and not a machine and I have my own self respect. PLEASE do not let them take advantage of you. You need to speak up for yourself even if that means your husband is not standing up for you. As if he told you couldn't go and stay with your parents because you needed to stay and cook for his???!?! He told you to leave your job to avoid drama from his parents??? Does that sound just to anyone??? Reading all of this is making my blood boil. You need to help yourself and find your inner voice and payal sharma said it, when she mentioned those baby steps. My FIL also makes a very big deal about me being in school, hes even said it to my mom before, and other aunties; "konsi parhai ka faida ayga" and there is no use of her studying and working etc, and oh since I do work, he also tells my husband I should be paying the bills. Because of one part time job, its always about "where does her money go and she lives in this house to and she should be paying for the mortgage and she should be paying the electricity or this or that as if I am working some 6figure salary. When it came to the bills and school thing my husband had a cow about it because hes firm on his beliefs about education and told his dad straight up that he won't tolerate any kind of a conversation where the issue is about me being in school or working and that my earnings were none of his business. He still talks to other people, but that allowed me my freedom at least that much to be able to go and have a reason to get out of the house. You need it, and you need to fight for it now. Unfortunately, its the only way otherwise you are compromising your own future. Are you okay with even bringing a kid into this kind of environment? I am not at all..

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Reading all your replies, I really want to get a job like tomorrow..... but I'm also trying to conceive. It'll get very hectic IF I get a job, get pregnant, AND have to cater to in-laws' needs. They're out for a month in another state for hubby's cousin's wedding (which NO ONE told me to come to), so I'm breathing some sighs of relief here :)

Well, I don't involve my parents coz they can only listen to me, what else can they do? In-laws don't talk to them, so they can't even "discuss" anything. I have started telling my mom stuff but she only tells me it's going to be ok, speak up, be brave, and all.....which I know I SHOULD do, but don't know how :( Hubby doesn't talk to my mom much either, only when she calls him on special occasions, so mom can't even "samjhao" him....which she offered but I said no...knowing my hubby! Hubby says that he knows they're wrong but he can't change them, he can't leave them. He does stand up for me when they say something really offensive in front of him but when I tell him what they say/do behind his back to me, he says he can't go talk to them about it if they didn't say it in front of him coz they're gonna think I'm filling his ears......I guess he knows their mentality? Funny thing is, hubby still tells me "everything will be alright" when I tell him I don't feel like bringing a baby in this environment. To be honest, I delayed pregnancy because of all this drama and later found I have PCOS....sometimes I think my PCOS is a blessing in disguise!

Yes, I can def support myself, if I get a job. I'm a Speech Language Pathologist. In-laws are really conservative and so are some of hubby's views, even though he came here at a young age. One of the other reasons my in-laws give for not letting me work is coz I talk to men in the hospital/patients/etc. I wear a hijab but they still have a problem! Hubby once said "they're not saying anything wrong" when I told him this reason that his parents gave me. They also tell me that hubby's and his family's khidmat, kids' tarbiyat, and being a good "islamic" woman is what's gonna make me successful not my education or job :(

I used to be such an easy-going person, used to handle stress perfectly in school and at work.....it's like they've completely changed me. It IS all my fault that I let them from the beginning. I used to think this will change them or they'll start liking me....but no, they got used to the good treatment and I guess I got used to bad treatment? They're on my mind 24/7! :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

You are at a point where you and hubby need professional counselling help. Whether from a marriage counsellor or imam.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Raania: Unfortunately, Hubby doesn't want to go to professional help because he says they don't understand our "cultural and family dynamics" and won't be on any help. I, on the other hand did seek some help, was on anti-depressants & anxiolytics for about a year, and some therapy for a few months. I should've tried therapy a little more, but in-laws came back by then and I wasn't able to go.
Hubby and I did talk to an Imam about year and a half ago. The Imam told him to be "patient" with me (nothing about his parents behavior) and told me to seek help through prayer coz Allah (swt) will take care of it and I'll get ajar for it.....and that's what I've beeeeen doing! :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Interesting that you are a speech language pathologist -- you work with people who have difficulty speaking because of physical or neurological issues, while you have difficulty speaking (up for yourself) because of emotional or psychological issues. Can you apply any therapies that you know to help you overcome your reluctance to speak up?

You know, you are denying people your help who really need it, by not working in your field. I think you have a duty to use your training and skills.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

I am sorry you are going through all of this. You just need to stand up for yourself. Your hubby should have a talk with his parents but I highly doubt he will do that. My Mil tried to do the same thing with me.
When I first got married, she would come with me EVERYWHERE!!!! Like even if I was going to get tomatoes or milk or something. She even came with me to a brunch with my mom. Which was very awkward. I simply stopped telling her that I was going anywhere. I would grab my bag and leave, and on my way out I would say allahaffiz. She would ask me where I am going, and I would answer politely and she would ask me to wait for her to get ready. Eventually, I started walking out of the door and whispering allahafiz before leaving. Or I would leave when she would take her mid-afternoon nap. I did spend a lot of time locked up in my room because I just wanted to stay away from her. But you can simply leave. If she creates drama later, just tell her that you were in a rush.

She would want to come with hubby and I on our dates. Then I asked hubby if he could spend some time with me alone and he simply told her that he wanted to take me out alone. After a few times she stopped asking to come with us. Perhaps, you can ask your hubby to take you out more often.

My situation got a lot better once my college started because I was too busy to deal with her and if I needed to do anything, I could tell her that I needed to go do something college related. You should get a job and stop worrying about what she says. Start volunteering somewhere or start going to the gym so you would have an excuse to leave. Visit your parents more. Go to a friend's house. Start decorating your room so you are busy and not thinking about her. Read a book on your downtime instead of running her b.s. in ur head all the time. Go away for the weekend with hubby.
You ahem to convince him to let you stay at your parent's for a few days. Tell him that it is needed and you can cook 2 days food before leaving. Ask hubby to get food from outside for a couple of days.
Do you have any siblings? Maybe you can share your situation with them?

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Yup, it's funny. Well, my clients/training is more to do with disorders not this BS I am in. I don't know man, I don't know why I can't speak up. I think......as one of the couple times, when I did say something, MIL started tantrums and hubby "blamed" me that I can't be patient or don't know how to deal with it, and should suck it up because it's causing differences between us. He told me "you shouldn't have said that" and argued. So, now I don't say anything thinking that it'll cause a lot of disturbance between hubby and I.....I fear he'll get frustrated with me and avoid me? He's never gonna tell them to get better bcoz he said he can't mold their personality or nature now.

It's sad that no matter what his family does, he's still theirs and they don't "fear" they'll lose him, because it'll never happen. And, it's sad that I have to think every time before I speak so nothing comes out of my mouth which will cause arguments between hubby and I, and so that he doesn't start to "dislike" me :(