How to be indifferent?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I recently read S and S’s post about her FIL so I needed some answers as I’m in a similar situation, except it’s my FIL, MIL, and SIL! Most of you advised her to be patient and pray, which I do already. Some advised to be indifferent…I’m not good at this one. Actually, I don’t even know what being indifferent is or how you be indifferent? I’ve learnt to be patient but sometimes I feel like quitting, like seriously quitting it all! Husband is usually on my side, but sometimes it’s hard for me to figure out what he actually wants :frowning: Like, I’d ask him about something and he’ll say yes and then his family says something negative about that thing to me or to him, and then he’ll tell me I shouldn’t have done it and should’ve known better and leaves the topic at that (without me letting to tell him that he said yes before). I take better care of them than their own daughter and hubby knows this, but they not only say stuff to me but to the people in the community about me. MY FAULT? Because their son and I fell in love and had a “love marriage”.
I’m so done with them but I don’t know how to take them/their behavior out of my mind. I swear, I wake up in the morning everyday thinking about them, what they’re gonna say, what they’re gonna do, what should my reply be if they say this/that, how should I please them, how to be good to them so they can change, etc etc and go to bed every night thinking about them. I don’t even think about myself/my life that much. Even when they’re visiting out of state or to Paki, I think about what will happen when they return and what will they say to me. It’s not healthy for me, I’ve been on anti-depressants/anxiolytics because of that, and I’ve “tried” to let go but it never happens. How do I do this? :cry:

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Sasural is such a horrible place like being in Exam hall :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

imagine ur an actress. famous. people will have a million things to say about you. look at katrina kaif. she is the most popular actrss at the moment, and probably the most beautiful. yet youll get people hating her too. you cant please everyone.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

You need to find a hobby/activity to spend your time and divert your attention and abilities for some positive work. Go out, meet with the people, socialize, find something constructive to do. Once people start appreciating your work you will feel good about yourself and forget about Sasural.

5

Well, I try really hard but I get so anxious that I spend my time in bed all day or watch TV/Internet all day to keep my mind off for a while. All I do is think about them.....like being in love, but in my case being in anxiety.
I can't go out anywhere w/o them. They live with us 10 months out of the year. My hubby and I moved to a different city and they come and stay with us for monthsss. And my FIL doesn't work so my hubby's been supporting them from mortgage to
grocery bills when they were in their own house and when they're in ours. So basically I'm only by myself for 2 months in which I dread their arrival again.
When they're here I have to take them with me even when I go out for grocery or invited to MY friends house. Only one time I politely told my MIL that it doesn't look good that one of my friends invited me for her bridal shower (which was all young girls) and she wants to come with me. I told her phir kabhi le jaungi....I only said this and h*ll broke loose! Since then I don't say a single word!
And what hobby? I cant even take up a hobby coz they cant see me doing anything but their work/typical housework. I have never complained but this is getting draining. I had to leave work so i can stay home bcoz THEY wanted me to. I cant speak up no matter how much i want to. I fear that if w/o me doing anything they're like this with me then what will they do if i speak up :( My day goes by cooking/cleaning/laundrying for them and I still get to hear derogatory remarks and insults. OR I just sit in my room looking at the ceiling thinking where I went wrong until they call me to do stuff for them!

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Re: How to be indifferent?

You left work because of their remarks? Well that hasn't changed right since they are still mean to you? So why don't you go back to work. Don't show disrespect towards them, if they talk they talk, ignore it. But do take a stand and control over your life. You can't spend the rest of your life sitting in your room staring at the ceiling.

7

I guess I'm a weak person? I can't take a stand. Hubby tells me to hear from one ear and out the other or be indifferent but i dont know how? I used to cook breakfast n lunch right after fajr before I used to leave for work. For 3months, they used to nag about me going to work, but used to eat my food too...... but SIL came over and everything changed in a matter of 3 days. They started making their own breakfast n lunch while mine was still there untouched....and when hubby asked, they said Hame Accha nahi Lagta yeh khana banakar jati hai....but they never said that to me n started ignoring my talk or not talking to me in my own house. So I stopped making breakfast for them and still used to cook before I left bcoz hubby had to eat breakfast earlier than them n when he came back from work. So SIL left and couple weeks after I used to hear random yellings pointing towards "is Ghar mein koi qadar nahi hamari, Naashta tak nahie milta". Many similar things happened and everything was blamed on my job and how shareef Ghar ki larkiyan don't work.....I got even more depressed and it was effecting my work so I left :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

That is a terrible terrible situation to be in.

The prisons our minds make can be far worse than any physical walls. (err...barring real prison of course)

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Re: How to be indifferent?

I feel sad for you..

What do they do to you? Do they just taunt you..

If it's just taunt then just ignore

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Well, they taunt at me all day long for random things. They have never praised me, never given me any gifts ever, never talked to me in a polite manner BUT they go out and talk in the community how I'm a bad DIL bcoz I don't do anything for them. I found this out bcoz they told one of my friends thinking we're not close but she told me, and this other aunty whose kid I used to tutor sometimes. God knows who else they tell to but I have noticed when aunty's talk to me they show sympathy towards my in-laws saying Allah Sab ko acchi bahu de, zamaana bauhat Kharab hai, aaj kal toh larkiyan khaane ko bhi nahi pooch ti etc etc. like I can tell the difference in auties' behavior and how it's diff than before they had moved here.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

^ They would not be able to taunt you all day long if you hadn't quit your job.

Since you're so miserable and your husband is aware of how his parents treat you.....have you discussed with him about the possibility of living in a separate apartment or house nearby? Is that an option?

BTW, did you know BEFORE the nikah that his parents did not approve of you 100% b/c this was a love marriage?

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Paheli: they have a house in a diff city which my husband bought them and is paying mortgage on it. My FIL doesn't work and wherever we move they're gonna come stay with us. It's already been made clear to me numerous times from them and my husband.
Yes, I did know that they disapprove before we got married. Hubby assured me they'll change but nothing changed. Now hubby says that nothing's in his hands and what can be do, he can't cut off from them. He basically tells me to ignore everything and not involve him or tell him anything but I don't know how to do that :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

^ I see. Well then assuming you want to continue this marriage, there's nothing else for you to do except get better control of your emotions. Allowing your in-laws words to have such a big impact in your mind......even though your husband is on your side according to you......is a major weakness on your part.

Your husband is not preventing you from working or going out on your own. The medications you're taking...have they made any difference at all? Sounds like you're just anxious 24/7. If they're not helping you at all, then you need to talk to your doctor about changing the dosage or the brand. Meanwhile, if you don't have it in you to get a job right now....then go out and volunteer somewhere. You MUST get out of the house and not CHOOSE to stay stuck with people who taunt you 24/7. And while inside the house, you're just going to have to learn to ignore the comments. Only you can force yourself to do it. No one else can give you a "how to" guide on this.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Get out of the house and get a job. Or at least get out of the house and spend time with trusted friend relatives. It may seem difficult. But do it. Once you take action it WILL get easier. Inertia and inaction can be a feedback loop - leading to more inaction and inertia - leading to feeling of hopelessness.

BREAK OUT OF THIS RUT. NOW.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

It's like anything in life. Gain confidence. Then no matter what anyone says to you, regardless of who it is, the words will slide off like rain on a greasy bird victimized by an oil spill.

Sometimes your damaged history, protects you.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Husband is on my side but his views change when they fill his ears. Like, before marriage he told me I could work and I did. But, after said stuff to me and to him that me working is not good coz no girl in their khandaan has ever worked blah blah blah, he told me "it's better" that I quit. There are many things that he changes after they say something. He says that he does that to avoid conflict so they don't say "more" stuff.
I stopped taking the meds coz I was gaining a lot of weight and I was not feeling too good on them, despite my Dr. changing them a few times. Like I said, I can't go out w/o them. I even have to take them especially my mil, even if I go out to get onions! And they expect me to stay home too. I really really really want to ignore them like not care what they say but I haven't learnt that yet :(

I can't go out. I mean, I have to them take my mil even if I'm going to check the mail, I swear! I mean I don't "take" her, she just says man bhi aaungi and comes.....I can't say anything or h*ll breaks lose :(

I wish I can gain confidence. I feel like I've lost my confidence. I used to be a different person altogether before I got married. Now, I have become kinda emotionless.....except being anxious/angry/hopeless/and the like! I take people's opinion and what they say seriously and take it to heart.....I just don't know how to ignore. I don't need all these aunties in my life but still it hurts when I hear stuff from them, knowing that I never did anything wrong :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

I understand your MIL accompanies you everywhere. But you have not indicated there is force involved. Next time she comes along tell her today you would like to go alone.

She may throw a tantrum. Ignore it and calmly go out. No drama. Just do it.

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Southie: I did that once when I had to go to a Dr.'s appointment.....I came home and she didn't talk to me or eat all day. I made tea for them like I regularly do and it was just sitting on the table. She didn't reply me when I asked her why she's not drinking it, she just got up and went to another room. AND....when hubby came back at night, she started crying to him that I didn't take her coz I don't consider her anything and I'm rude and blah blah blah. Hubby argued with me (not in front of them though) saying that I broke her heart and all she wanted was to go with me.
I know her crying tantrums, she does that a lot. So I just avoid displeasing her so that I don't argue with hubby or be on bad terms with him :(

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Re: How to be indifferent?

the difference here is - they are in ur house. YOUR home. im in my inlaws house in a different country. please handle urself better than me. ur in ur own home and in the country od ur choice, your free to go out just go. in ur case ignoring isnt working. you needto speak up.

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Re: How to be indifferent?

Unfortunately, It doesn't work that way in this family. They say it's their son's house so they have more rights on it, they say it to my face, RANDOMLY! But, of course they don't treat it like their own, otherwise they'd be cooking/cleaning/doing their chores too! I would speak up, I really want to.....but I'm scared that hubby might find it offensive, since he's told me "be nice and ignore, don't say anything" :(