How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Yes, of course, that’s why everyone wants sons and not daughters.

22

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Not sure how you approached the situation that it made your mom cry and whether that was justified or not. You didn't have to confront her right there and then. You could have waited to talk to her in person and let her know that it isn't your wife but you who decides the duration of the stay. If she is concerned abut the stigma of staying at your in laws, you can tell her politely that it isn't an issue in your case based on your experience with your wife's family and if it were ever to become an issue, you would take a step back yourself.

I am not sure why you instantly got angry when your wife asked you to go home a day earlier. If I were you and my wife told me this, I would just laugh it off or call my mother and talk to her pyaar se about what my plans are. Since this is just one occurrence of your mom interfering in your marital life, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is a troublemaker. She seems a little insecure. But there are better ways to deal with your family than to lash out at someone in anger.

23

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Thank you for pointing this out! I hate these stupid made up “rules” where the husbands parents are more important than the wife’s.

24

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

To ease the situation you first need to get out of quoting/referring one while talking to other. like

"ammi XXXX keh rahi thi k aap nai kaha...."

or

"XXXX, ammi keh rahi theen k tum nai..."

its human nature to assume that you are acting on xxxx or ammi's behalf and not telling what you really want.

and now the main issue. you mom seem a bit insecure even though she seems nice too. You have to make sure to remove her insecurities. Talk to her on YOUR behalf. Tell her YOU want to spend more time with your wife and you do NOT feel tired doing all the travelling for her.

25

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Bro you are too horny to comprehend your own situation . And yeah when someone tell you that you are too simple to understand , then it means you are a jackass.

Good luck

26

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

  1. Why doesn't your wife come to your home some weekends? This will help make your life easier and it will help her and ur mom develop a relationship that your mom may be missing.

  2. OP did not mention any role of the wife's parents in Lahore. Does wife have other sisters living in this house? It's possible the wife's mom or dad secretly don't like him visiting or staying too much and said something to OP's mom?

27

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

The mental gymnastics that are needed to justify the mother's actions is beyond belief. One can rationalize anything through speculation. Best to go with the information OP has provided, IMO.

28

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

really they 'secretly' don't like him visiting?

There can be lots of ifs and maybes. We can only go on what the OP is saying.

in Pakistan I have noticed that the relationship between husband and wife comes last. in fact in front of in laws you can't even talk to each other and generally ignore one another. God forbid they think that you have some importance in each other's life.

anywho lots of good advice given by sahar.

29

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

My hunch is that either the inlaws or his parents or both have heard some gossip from other relatives about his long stay at his inlaws OR maybe his long stay is causing inconvenience of some sort to the inlaws. Maybe the inlaws have plan to go somewhere or expecting some guests or some other business but not very comfortable telling the new son in law because they fear that might upset him. That is most probably why they got the message across to his parents. The parents tried telling him politely but thoughts of new wife didnt let him understand his parents' concern. So his parents decided to get the message across through his new wife herself. Obviously, his father cant tell that to his wife as it looks inappropriate so his mother took it upon herself & asked the wife to tell him that politely. I think both the families were wondering how to tell him that and this is the only solution they could think of (telling him through his wife). But apparently that didnt work & his mother gets to be blamed. WHAT A SHAME! How moms get to be blamed even when they have the best of intentions for all.

30

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

^ I counted five "or"s (including one ALL CAPS OR), one either, one hunch, one maybe, one might, one gossip, one most probably, one "I think", one "wondering", one apparently.

Miraculously, the last sentence concluded with a definitive "even when they have the best intentions for all"

Highly logical thinking. If only we had a nickel for every hunch, we would be billionaires. Reminds me of the economist who predicted 9 of the last 5 recessions.

31

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

i think in this particular case, parents are not complaining about the son seeing his wife every weekend, they are more so concerned about his staying at in-laws for longer periods,as op mentioned that his mom and dad advised him earlier not to stay for longer at in-laws. So this means they have no problems with him seeing his wife but have problems at staying at
in-laws.
Another thing is, OP himself admitted that he feel tired with all the travelling, this perhaps is a very strong reason for his mom to feel concerned about his son’s tight schedule and lack of rest, that made her talk to her DIL about sending him back on Sunday. If you notice, she is not telling him not to go there at all, she is just telling to cut short the visit by few hours. And frankly speaking mothers and fathers do have this much right on their children even on the married children.

32

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

In the Eastern culture, they do. In the Western culture, they don’t. :bummer:

I second what you have said.

If my son was going through such a hectic and tiring schedule, I would be so :mad:.
And I am a man (or so I think ). :smiley:

It is completely reasonable for the parents to ask him to come back Sunday so he can get decent amount of rest before the start of the work week.

I would tell him to be back before dark or else.
Agay tum khud samajhdaar ho. :chai:

33

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

@Southie

You count too much. Are you a ‘bania’? Bania (caste) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Im trying to help the OP get the picture depending on whatever scenario is closest to his own without encouraging him to be disrespectful towards & be mad at his mother which would bring even more complications into his relationships with his family. Like you, I am not whispering in his ears like a devil that his mother has evil intention towards his wife or his happiness & create negativity, evil doubts in his mind about something which MOST PROBABLY does not even exist. I am tired of family politics & similar evil whispers as you’re telling him in your posts are the reasons for it.

34

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Please be gentle with my friend Southie.
He doesn't show when he gets upset but he is a sensitive guy.
I don't like to see him hurt.

Thanks. :)

35

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

I also know a couple who tell their grown up child when to go to the bathroom... Yes, it's nice to have parents who care and worry about you but the whole when he needs his sleep and how much rest he needs is too much. Let the adult make the decisions like this. And if that was the case then parents should be happy if he spends the long weekend and gets more rest.

36

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

TS, Im not hurting him. But, you see, I think it's quite unfair rather evil to make OP's situation appear like some indian soap opera & accusing his mother of having malicious intent for her newly married son & DIL especially when it does not sound like it. The maximum we can accuse the parents of is missing their son & we dont know of the inlaws side of story to make that judgement. So, I had to mention that. Did not mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

BTW, please feed your friend some aaloos whenever he is upset. Im sure he'll feel better ;)

37

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

If the issue is their opinion that he shouldn't stay at the inlaws, well, they're entitled to that opinion. But they are wrong. He can listen to them and disagree respectfully and make his own decisions.

As for the mother's intentions, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, rather than picking fights and making accusations. Give her a chance, but make it clear that her approach in this instance was wrong.

38

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

What is with these personal comments? In your own words, it must be “family / culture”.

Is it your “culture”? Surely it can’t be. Since the majority here are very polite.

So it must be your “family”. Where they teach you to call those who don’t agree with you “complete idiots”.

As far as my being a “bania” is concerned, it doesn’t matter what my “culture” or “family” background is. Stop speculating was the jist of my message - in case you didn’t understand. The way you are bending over backwards to come up with multiple scenarios to justify immature and potentially damaging conduct does no one any good. IMHO.

Have a super duper day.

39

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

A newly wed couple will obviously want to spend as much time as possible with each other, its only natural.

In any case, the mother should not have contacted the wife, but rather recognised that if her son is old enough to get married, then he is old enough to be treated as an adult, and not a child.

Many desi moms keep on treating their sons as five year olds, even when the sons are in their 30s. Nothing good ever came out of this. I've seen this far too often.

If the mother has a concern about this, talk to your son, not his wife. He is not a child being duped into visiting her, by her.

Obviously son should treat his parents with respect, and not tell them off bluntly, even if he disagreees.

40

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Southie, time for you to eat some aaloos. I really did not mean to offend. Yeah right, mostly I talk to people like how Im used to talking to my cousins because my cousins are never offended no matter what I say because they know how sweet I am :blush: & only do the leg pulling for fun. On online forum, maybe, my posts came across as ‘personal insults’ but as I told TS, I didnt mean it that way. Yes, it did anger me when you called OP’s mother MANIPULATIVE. There could be a hundred and one reasons for why mother called the wife. Your opinion is also based on your own speculation. And in my post to TS also I was joking. So, again, pl eat some aaloo and chill. Over & out.