How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Asslam-o-Alekum

I need advice regrading how to deal with situations between mother and wife:

My family is highly educated.

Issue seems to be i am apparently too simple to handle simple family issues

I live in Rawalpindi

My wife lives in Lahore.

My wife is staying at her parents home for her remaining education after marriage.

My mum is extremely supportive of her education ,very humble ,very open minded and polite. But at the same time she is very sensitive.

I am too simple and say things which make her cry.

I want to be mature and not hurt anyone but don’t know how.

Mom n dad adviced me once :don’t stay longer at your inlaws ,but i dont agree.

I get to meet meet my wife after whole week so i can’t help myself.

Sometimes if i am luckily i get to have a longer weekend e.g 3 to 4 days , i stay at my inlaws.

Last time i stayed there for 4 days due to petrol unavilibility .

My routine is: Do packing and go to lahore directly from office on Friday Evening.

Return on Monday morning and directly go to office.

Obviously i feel tired from driving and vouage.

My mum asked my wife directly to send his son back on Sun so he can rest before going to office.

My wife asked me to go back on Sun instead of monday.

Being furious on this i inquired why and she dind’t confirm but she gave me a hint that my mum is worried about my tiredness due to constant travelling.

Now i called mum and asked did she talked to my wife about this ?

To this my mum started crying and said if you guys want to live alone then u can do so.

Apparently she is under impression that my wife tells me EVERYTHING even if it is an advice from my mum to my wife.

Now i don’t know what i would say or do which will make me a good son.

I told this to my wife and she was also angry that and said now your mom would think that your wife asked you to talk to her.

I called my mum next day and told her that i shouldn’t have asked her this question and even my wife is agree with me on this.

To this my mum was angry again.

What should i do / say?

What should be the strategy to deal with such issues without hurting anyone?

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Just sit down with your parents and tell them this is a tough situation for you. You miss your wife and you want to spend time with her and you want their support in this tough time. They're the only people you truly rely on and you know they will help be your rock during this temporary trouble. Tell them that explicitly. They need to hear you're placing such trust in their hands.

As for the you staying with your inlaws I think that mentality still persists that guys shouldn't stay with their inlaws which is kind of ridiculous. If they're willing hosts and you're a gracious guest it shouldn't be a problem. Taking that mentality away from your mother will be tough. But you have to keep reminding her it's a temporary situation.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Your wife seems to be a very decent woman. Also your parents are right in their advice. They surely know things better than you so listen to them. It also seems they miss their son because you probably are not giving them enough time. Try spending some time with them. In your long weekend, spend atleast one day with parents. Currently, there does not seem to be any family politics but your immaturity may create it. Like both your mother and wife have good intentions for eachother but your silly act almost created a misunderstanding between them. Infact, I would say that divide your time equally between parents and wife. In your excitement to be with your wife and your desire to spend most of your time with her, you might be unknowingly ignoring your parents.

4

I think I've seen this show somewhere. Oh right, it's the plot to every Desi drama ever.

Feel bad for you that you are stuck in the middle of this. Hope your mom and wife both come to an understanding that you ate doing your best to please them both and they should not be upset at you or one another.

Poor dude :/

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Say the truth.

I think overcomplicating relationships due to people causing drama and making accusations is a mistake. So don't say or do anything that is untrue simply to spare someone's feelings. In the moment it may help things, but it creates too many complications in the future. Also, don't reward or justify lies and manipulation, otherwise you'll see more of them.

The issue here isn't really between your wife and mother. The issue is about your mother being so insecure about her relationship with you, that she is willing to do things behind your back, even if they may hurt your wife. That is unacceptable. I doubt your mom wants to come between the two of you. She is however being unfair and dishonest in her behavior. Tell her if she wants you to do something, she should ask you directly. It's not fair to stick your wife in the middle and make her take the blame. Be straightforward, kind, but firm when setting expectations about how you want to be treated.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

One more thing. When you speak the truth, people may not always believe you. Your job is not to convince them (that's what causes all sorts of stress). Your job is simply to be honest. If someone doesn't want to believe something, nothing you do will change her/his mind. But that's the other person's problem, and hopeful s/he will get over it with time.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Pick n choose your battles. You don't have to confront with your mom or your wife for everything you hear. This situation was one of them.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

As S02 said, there is only one person that is creating problems and doing emotional blackmail - your mother. Making up rules about how much time you should spend at your in laws house. S02 was being too kind when she said "I don't think your mother is trying to come between you and your wife". Yes, she is.

Recognize that. And don't let her destroy your marriage.

Also, your mother is not just insecure about her relationship with you. It is my guess that she is threatened by your wife pursuing her studies.

9

While your mother is not right but I think she misses you and your company. I think you should divide your time between your parents and your wife in such a way that they both are happy and get to spend time with you. You are with your parents during the week but do you really sit with them and talk, spend some time with them talking about things they like. I personally think your parents are missing that. Nothing more.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

While this is well-intentioned advice, I think trying to make everyone happy can lead to you constantly tiptoeing around people and being afraid of offending someone, and you just end up being miserable and anxious all the time, and the other person can feel it. Especially because it often leads to people being evasive and indirect, even dishonest.

If you believe that your mom just wants to spend more time with you, do give her that. But also be straight-forward about what you are doing and why. Don't apologize for or hide the time that you want to spend with your wife. Don't make your wife feels like she has to apologize for taking you away. That's not what's happening, despite your mother's fears and accusations.

And I disagree with Southie. I doubt your mother actually wants to come between you. But IF she is insecure, then it's also possible that she needs to control your relationships, as insecure people often do. They become nervous when things are out of their control/influence. It's not a conscious choice. But they will do things, often dishonest and manipulative things, to get back in control. I think you need to be clear that your mother is not to lie or go behind your back. Set this boundary to make your life easier.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

^ At this point, it becomes conjecture re what the mother's intention is. She is being manipulative. And placing unreasonable demands. Her intentions are known only to her. But her actions, if unchecked by OP, could lead to trouble in marriage.

I think we can agree on that.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

I haven't read other replies but at the very least stop telling your mom and wife what the other one is saying. If they want to talk to each other they can do so directly. When you're conveying A's reaction to B, seems like you're taking A' side and vice versa.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Double

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Completely ignore @Southie’s advice. He/She is a complete idiot. He / she seems to be from a family / culture where they do not teach abc of parents’ ‘respect’ especially that of a MOTHER’s.

From what I remember from your original post is that your PARENTS are against you spending so much time at your inlaws. After living a couple of years in Pakistan, now I know a few topics of gossip and reasons of family politics. There must have been some hearsay your parents know about or they may have got some indirect indication from someone about people having issues with you spending so many days at inlaws. It might not be very convenient for some people in your inlaws. That is most probably why your parents gave you some advice from their own experience. I think your mother might just be trying to protect you from any potential gossip about your actions which you do not understand currently. Again, I think both your wife & mother seem to have good intention for one another. Dont pay ear to negative doubts of the devil in human or other forms. Once your wife comes to live with you & you both start with your own lives/kids & still your parents tell you to spend less time with your wife, only then I would accuse your parents of treating your like a little child. But not ‘MANIPULATION’. That’s a huge accusation.

Do not pay ear to anyone telling you to doubt your mother’s intention. From my own observation of Pakistani families, in majority of the cases, moms are self-less, would never purposely do anything which makes you unhappy with your wife. Your parents need your respect.

If your mother otherwise has an evil character like the jahil, fighting, gossiping, evil ones they show on TV then maybe there is a chance she is intentionally destroying your happiness. But from the sound of your post, I feel that you have deep respect for your parents & also mother which means she is not that evil kind. So please continue to respect her & trust whatever she tells you will be for your own benefit. Who knows what she might have heard from your inlaws or other relatives gossiping about you living with your inlaws all the time which made her call your wife? There are some things which dont make sense instantly but our loved ones actions are mostly for our own benefit, not to harm us.

My opinion would have been different if your wife was living with you. Right now, it is a completely different scenario.

P.S: “Southie. With apologies, please do not base your advice on your own personal relationship & experience with your mother as from the original post, the mother by no means seems MANIPULATIVE.”

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

Apology accepted.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

in Pakistani culture, damads staying at in-laws is looked down upon so there is nothing evil or bad if your mom dislikes this. Also, in your case you are staying there every week for the whole weekend and i personally think that's too much of a time spent at in-laws. May be this goes well with you and your wife but this might also be creating inconvenience for other family members of your in-laws. Also, when you spend so much time at someone else's house, there are little issues that starts to creep in and could get into bigger issues, misunderstandings etc, so may be your mother just wants you to stay clear of all that stuff.

Secondly is there not a possibility that on some weekends your wife could come to Rawalpindi instead of you going to Lahore every time? if that''s not the possibility then you what you can do is that for one weekend you go on Friday and return back on Saturday so you can give time to your parents too, and on another weekend you spend all 3 days with your wife.

17

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

You need to STOP telling you mum and wife what the other is saying. It will just create tension and misunderstanding as it seems your mums intentions are nt wrong, even if they were wrong u don't need to tell your wife.

It seems your mum is missing your company and is worried about u getting tired from all the travelling. So spend 1 weekend out of 4 at home or spend more quality time with parents during the week. Also I wouldn't travel straight to work after the weekend, u should come night before. I can see where your mum is coming from, ur going straight from work n going straight back to work. U r creating unnecessary tension. Ur mum n wife don't have any real issues yet. Some desi parents don't like idea of son staying with inlaws. But what can u do. Can your wife not travel up once a month or so?

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

It is a hard position to be in; but you need to realize a few things and hopefully this will give you a different perspective:

  • The relationship between your mother and wife will always be contentious. It is just the nature of that relationship. Accept it.
  • You cannot please everyone in your life. Try compromise as much as possible, but there are times where you need to pick and choose. When you do, be just. Don't just do what your mom says or what your wife says.
  • Be open, but tactfully so. If you want to convey something to your mom that is hurtful to her, prep her before hand and deliver the news gently. If you need to convey something bad to your wife, remind her that she and you are a team before saying it.
  • Respect privacy. And this goes for all your relationships. If someone confides in you, keep it yourself, even when if they did not explicitly say it is private.
  • Don't become the messenger boy. If your wife asks you to tell your mom something, have her do it. And same for your mom. They both are adult, and should be capable of developing a working relationship without getting you involved.
  • You have to learn to manage the two roles: son & husband. Soon, you might have to add another role of father to this list. So it is gonna get worse. So appreciate what you have and always, always be thankful to Allah for what you have
19

Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

I read the OP again. Carefully. Was glad to see the mother is supportive if your wife's education. That had escaped my attention the first time.

But beyond that, I really didn't see your wife's role in terms of any damage being done.

Parents need to stop interfering in matters between husband and wife. You are not a 12 year old boy that your mother needs to decide for you whether you leave Sunday evening or Monday morning.

You probably don't cook at either house. So in that way life is quite easy for you.

I personally have driven 3.5 hours Monday morning to get to work so I coold spend an extra 12 hours with my wife when she was away. I did that every weekend for 6 years.- except during vacation of course. The thought of my wife doing that didn't cross my mind - as some are suggesting happen here. That is between you and your wife.

Several are trying to give generic advice re SaaS and bahu. But the specifics of this case show it is the SaaS that is the issue.

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Re: How to Balance between Mother and Wife?

So mothers don’t miss their daughters? I hate these stupid double standards. The guy’s parents live with him! They see him EVERYDAY! He gets to see his wife on weekends and the parents are still complaining? What about the wives who hardly ever get to see their parents? I don’t hear them complain. Oh they probably do but their complaints are irrational, right? :vivo: