How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

Why are they coming to visit if your husband won't be here??

Anyways, you could cook special dishes for your in laws in the kitchen and make sure to emphasize that you are making special things for them and spend time in the kitchen instead of with them. Make sure whatever time you are spending with them is quality time. Ask them for advise and say oh yes, that's great, I never thought of that and I am going to do that (if if you are not going to follow through on her advise, ask advise in household matters or kids if you have them) . That would make them happy that you are asking for advise even in the little amount of time that you are spending with them.

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Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

what you said in the red is actually so disrespectful if you were to say that to your MIL. yet you are asking others on this forum for more suggestions?! don't say that to your MIL.

your in-laws are your husband's parents - you need to remember that they mean everything to your husband. if you have any respect for your husband then for his sake re-think your attitude regarding your in-laws. you owe them honour and respect esp' as they will be coming to stay with you.

who knows - they might be feeling exactly the same about you and are worried about how you might treat them!!

how would you feel if your husband was to behave disrespectfully towards your parents? you'd be hurt! so don't treat his parents any different than how you'd want your parents to be treated.

when your in-laws come, welcome them kindly and open-heartily. be polite and patient with them - if they say anything that you don't like then bite your tongue and say nothing to them. it will do you no good to answer back to them.

43

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

why don't you look at ways to spend time with in laws in a way that pleases you too, instead of avoiding them?

maybe get the mil to show you how she cooks? rope them in to helping you around the house a bit? take them to visit other relatives/friends their age?

44

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

Here is one example of small talk with your MIL:

Ammi Jan, did you know 1 MIL = 25 microns?

45

Eat lots of beans.... Simple solution. They will not ask you to come hang with them

46

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

Don't put on the bahu charade. Be yourself, but do so assuming that maybe they actually want to get to know you and have a relationship with you. Be friendly, open, and respectful. You sound like you are closing yourself off to them before even getting to know them as individuals, and you are only hurting yourself and limiting your relationships in the process. If you go into the interactions with the attitude and tone you've implied here, they'll pick up on it and will most likely be hurt/offended.

Sometimes things that are a bit awkward and uncomfortable initially are still worthy of pursuing.

Share your interests, ask questions about theirs, do things together. Then if you need to do things independently, let them know. If you haven't been weird and aloof and formal beforehand, they shouldn't assume that your excusing yourself is anything other than what you say.

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Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

If you want to avoid spending a lot of time with your in-laws, try to get a job. Now.

Initially, it doesn't have to be a fancy job; a job that is, ideally, somewhat related to your education/college degree and which keeps you away from home a few hours a day should suffice. For now. I think getting a job is useful not just to avoid the company of your in-laws but, more importantly, the work experience will stand you in your good stead should you decide to apply for jobs in future; you may actually come to love your job and see it as a more enjoyable and productive use of your time than your current activities; and *if *you guys are already saving more than enough, the money you will earn can still come in handy for things like more frequent or fancier vacations, or to help fund indulgent purchases like designer shoes etc..

If you find that currently you are unable to find a job, you might want to consider upgrading your skill-sets by taking some courses and enrolling into a community college. If that is not an option, start looking for some volunteering opportunities nearby. That way you can help your wider community and feel good about it while still managing to spend some time away from your in-laws.

That said, don't fret about 'awkwardness' too much and deliberately avoid your in-laws if you are at home. When you have time, sit with them and ask them to share stories about your hubby when he was growing up, about their siblings and their families, or about the times gone-by about their parents, grandparents etc. It is OK if you don't speak a lot yourself. People have different personalities and your in-laws can chalk any 'awkwardness' up to shyness or personality difference; not everyone, after all, is the talkative kind. And there is nothing wrong with it. If your in-laws are the talkative kind then they should enjoy sharing stories and talking about themselves and their families. Just listen intently to what they say. Nod and smile and just be polite overall. Politeness goes a long away.

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Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

goodpost goodname

49

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

If she wanted a job, do volunteering work or join a course, she could have done that already. Plu it can also be done after the inlaws are gone.

The real issue here is the attitude that needs to be changed.

50

Re: How to avoid spending time with the in-laws

Okay OP; I've read your post and think I kinda get your dilemma.

Lots of people have given you advice on how to avoid the MIL; not sure which you can actually pull off but I'm gona suggest my ways of doing things that may help in the long run.

So basically to avoid offence of any variety you would rather avoid people; I've seen many do this and some have fallen flat on their faces because the in-laws saw it as 'nakre'.

Is a BBCD a British Born Confused Desi?

Do your in-laws like you? Now the reason I ask this is I am aware of DILs that attempt to avoid their in-laws simply because of friction from the dislike and it makes life easier all round if they simply only respond to Salaams? If your in-laws actually like you; I don't think you'll have much to worry about.

Judging simply by the facts you do not work full time, you go the gym and spend time with friends I am assuming that you maybe finding this visit quite restricting. Seriously though, if the only issue you have is the fact you are a BBCD and your in-laws like you then it maybe a case of rather than avoiding the MIL maybe making an effort for the month to spend chunks of time with her that benefit both parties?
Plus on the flip side you haven't said this is their last visit to yours so if you can put some effort in now and get a great reward in the long run (e.g. future visits) you may wish to look at the situation differently.

Trust me when I say I have experience of MILs. My Grandmother is a scary MIL; and now shes old she looks back on her rein as a MIL and wishes she'd done things differently. My own MIL is well erm lets not go there. But what I'm saying is seriously if your MIL likes you it's an easier ride that's all.

Have you spent time with your in-laws in Pakistan? What do they do during the day? Do they have hobbies? Do you have any common ground you can talk about? If your MIL is into sewing and you cannot and wish to learn this could be something you work on together. Same goes for cookery-maybe your husband loves a certain dish his Mother makes? You could learn from the 'pro' whilst you have the chance.

The reason I am suggesting you consider taking a different approach is simply because if your MIL freaks over how you are (e.g. actively avoid her) it won't be pleasant. If you attempt to find common ground and it doesn't work then you've at least tried. Plus no one likes to be under 'pressure' or 'watch' in their own home or have to act a certain way for amount of time.

I don't think it's a good idea to present yourself as a 'bahu' type if that's now what you are and both you and your husband are comfortable with it. My MIL judges all those who wear Western clothing as being sluts. I personally wear Western clothing (if I'm out and about won't make much difference as it's not visable but hey). If my MIL was to visit her son here I wouldn't change my wardrobe for the event as I don't see anything wrong with it. I see my friends about once a month, and take our little girl out twice a week. My schedule is quite predictable and my husband knows this. Rather than you struggling with the idea of having to be the perfect bahu maybe you can 'introduce' the real you little by little?

I don't think this is the best time to get a job; or take up a voluntary post. If you think you may 'offend' your MIL by being the real you have you considered talking to your husband? Sorry if this has already been discussed; but if your husband is fine with the way you are he maybe able to assist you with your dilemma?

How long have you been married OP? Is this the first time you'll be spending time together away from other family?

Also, I don't think OP has an attitude as such; I think it's more of a case of a 'fear' of her real personality being rejected. Many girls go through this. I can remember when I first mentioned to my in-laws in Pakistan that I went for lunch with my friends and I wore Western clothes at home. My MIL looked at me like I was filth. Still does actually. Rejection can often fuel what OP is going through. Of course this is merely my own humble opinion. But only OP knows the real core reason to why she would rather have the minimum of contact.

Good Luck OP; I think you would benefit from having a plan to approach the situ in two ways. The first one of course being the way you want to and the other worth considering like others and I have mentioned is to look at ways of spending time together you both may actually enjoy.