What to do when you feel your long distance relationship (a serious relationship known as engagement) is in trouble?
You are fully devoted for this relationship, no cheating, no lying, no outside affairs.
Still you get to hear things from your girl like “You are being insecure, you are not understanding, you have made my life difficult etc etc”. But deep down your heart you know that you never acted insecure, you are always supportive. It just depends upon her mood how she takes anything you say.
You feel you don’t want to be in this relation but you don’t want to loose hope and want to put every possible effort to make such a relationship work. So that in future, even if you are out of this relation, you can say “at least i tried my best”.
So all of you guessed right, i am in such a situation. I just want to know, how can one put his best of efforts in a long distance relationship? (Considering the fact that me any my finacee chats for 1/2 hours in weekdays and call each other at weekends, however all communication ties are broken since last few days).
I would hate replies like “you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel”, did it hundred times but she never understands and holds me responsible for her immature behaviors.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
You can't save it. Apparently (courtesy of TheNoodle) a guy's average shoe size is 6 inches....and that's why long-distance relationships are absolutely futile.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
More details.
What immature behaviors? Can you give specific examples?
Do you get a sense of love for you when you two speak? Are you always initiating the conversations.
One example: Honestly, i am "afraid" of making jokes with her, anything can upset her, even my normal statements. She would then get rude to me would say some harsh things and later she would say "i was upset over something so i behaved rude, i am sorry".
Yes when we are sweet, i can feel love, but when there is a fight all love flies and all scene becomes dirty.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
Two sides to a story and we don't know hers...but here goes:
1) You want to give this your "best effort"....but what would the limit be? At what point would you decide that enough is enough? I kind of find the "I wanna give it my best effort" reasoning a bit vague because without limits you can get stuck in a viscious cycle all in the name of giving it your "best shot."
2) It's good that she can put her pride to the side and apologize. But what value does an apology have if a person is going to continue making the same mistake? You're just placing yourself in this cycle where you trust, you get abused, your trust gets broken....lather, rinse, repeat.
3) I can understand that sometimes jokes can be offensive....but if even your normal comments vex her....then what the hell is there to talk about? What's the point of conversation if you constantly have to feel like your walking on eggshells? Now if your communication doesn't allow for seeing each other/hearing one another...then it leaves greater room for misunderstanding and that's a point to consider.
4) Her words hurt you, she's always doubting you. Without mutual respect and trust, you can't have relationship long-distance or otherwise. The foundation is weak.
5) Issues in a relationship are resorted through communication and you've already decided that you don't any advice suggesting that you "talk" to her..........so what's the point? What do you think about visiting her? Maybe some face-time would alleviate the tension? You'd still have to talk to her. If things are only getting worse...despite your efforts...consider ending it.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
I'd say in Long-Distance relations or in engagement periods its best to keep minimal communication. Because of the virtual modes that are adopted, a lot of misunderstandings take place that wouldn't otherwise occur when face to face. I was a believer of the-more-the-better when it came to communication but i think of the opposite now. Mostly, both the partners are sane, level-headed, mature people but the modes of communication make misinterpretations of what's being said.
If you want to continue the relation, keep communication minimal. If you're already tired of it and can do without it, call it off if you think the time has come.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
Brother, you need to convert this 'long distance' relationship into a 'short distance' one as soon as possible, no matter what it takes, if you want it to last long. Reducing communication to minimum might have negative effect on her (as she might feel insecure) and she might develop suspecions that you don't love her...etc. The worst part of such a relationship is lack of communication resources/warm gestures/physical interaction/ a positive body language of a respectful/tolerant/caring and an open minded person. All that is required for an emotional attachment. She can only hear your tone/voice but can't feel the warmth/sincere smile/ passionate love of a face to face interaction.
All the assumptions my wife made about me (after our parents forced us to talk on phone for 6 months before marriage) proved wrong, as she says it now. She wishes now that we had never talked on phone. She had so many questions/insecurities due to the daily life incidents that she heard about bad husbands and she wanted to make sure that she is not marrying the wrong person, because girl usually suffer the most when a marriage is broken (unlike boys). Easily misunderstood almost everything I said. I was being casual/normal (no show off) and wasn't knowing that her "Analytical radar" is sacnning/analysing/judging every word I say and all their possible meanings (even jokes) are developing an 'impression' about my personality/character/strictness/principles at the back of her mind. Thoughts like "He seems too religious! Would he allow me to watch TV ? to dress the way I want ? to have freedom of whatever I like to do ? Is he going to allow me to do a job ? to develop my professional career ?.....etc. All these questions she was trying to judge from my words (some of them asking me directly). Why doesn't he joke that much ? Is he kind of those too serious boring intellectual monotonous robots who don't have any sense of humor ?
She used to ask me questions and gave comments that I wouldn't blame her for, but all that was making her own life difficult. something like "What if I don't pray, would you beat me (it broke my heart)? Be mind full that I am not those very religious obeying type women. Don't expect me to do everything in accordance to Sunnah....."
To be honest, she cried at times during all these times due to the doubts she had, but since the day after our marriage (and also for the last 4 years) Alhamdulillah she laughed so much at the way she pictured/imagined me earlier in her mind and the way she found me in real life (by the grace of Allah swt). I would say, because a practical interaction conveys a lot that can't be conveyed through words, if one is presenting a true self (natural) on phone. (instead of always trying to be diplomatically correct/ perfect) he would face troubles/misunderstandings everytime there is a discussion on phone.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
Hate to say this but not every relationship is meant to last, not every engagement is meant to lead to marriage.
If you've tried your best, you've explained it to ehr many times and she still doesn't get it....it may be time to move on.
How did you two meet any way? were things better at some point or was it always like this?
God knows whats ahead. Well it was an arranged turned love scene. things were best at the start i.e. understanding + love + respect. I am surprised how little little arguments in past few months have made it so ugly.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
I'd say in Long-Distance relations or in engagement periods its best to keep minimal communication. Because of the virtual modes that are adopted, a lot of misunderstandings take place that wouldn't otherwise occur when face to face. I was a believer of the-more-the-better when it came to communication but i think of the opposite now. Mostly, both the partners are sane, level-headed, mature people but the modes of communication make misinterpretations of what's being said.
If you want to continue the relation, keep communication minimal. If you're already tired of it and can do without it, call it off if you think the time has come.
Probably you are right.. Anyhow, wana give a last honest try before ending.
Re: How one can make "best of efforts" to save a long distance relationship?
Not at all. Not anything intentionally.
OK - think hard about what you may have done unintentionally. Unless she is a total looney toon, she must be responding to some perceived put-down or wise-aleck comments