okay guys i know that everyone say we dont want anything we just want the girl but ofcourse girls side has to give things to in laws i want to know how much is enough and is there anyway to get out of it …i know we all say well we give what we can but we actuely are under pressure to give as much and some more than what we can…plz stick to sass am not intrested in dowry
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
I know people who haven't given any gold to sass, just couple nice dresses/saris, some people give little earings or pendents with a dress or two, some people give 1 kara with a dress or two. It really depends on you what you can afford.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
That all depends on YOUR family (how many duaghters your father have) and their family (do your inlaws have tradition to give something to them?)**, varies from family to family.
Like I dont have any saas/daiwerani/jithaani etc.. have a SIL, so my mother is giving her a gold set, approx wighing 2 tolas, and I guess that's too enough... because they didnt demanded anything.
**
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
Well, given how prohibitevly gold has become it is not easy to get a gold set for the in-laws.... A nice shalwar kameez suit/saree or both would do. I know how we get succumbed to societal pressures, but i think you should'nt get pushed too hard in getting a gold set for ur saas... On the contrary, If you want to give one and can afford then nothing should stop you.
Also, how much you want to give depends on how well your family's relationship has evolved during the engagement period.
We had initially planned on getting a small gold set for my mil-to-be, but looking at how the prices have soared, that no longer seems like an option! We've got nice shalwar-kameez for my in-laws.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
as its the first shadi in our house (mine) my mums gone a bit crazy & has gone totally overboard with the gifts to in laws- i tried to stop her but mum says that its necessary & how she wants to do it- but i know its bcos she dsnt want ppl to talk but i think that this rasm of giving gifts to in laws needs to go simply bcos the girls side are already so pressurised during the wedding time & this jus adds to it!
so wot did mum get?
2 gold karre for my MIL one really heavy kaam wala suit, one simple
small gold pendant & earring sets for each of my sister in laws + a suit each
for my his neices mum got small gold studs for each + kapre for each
watch, trouser, shirt & tie & shalwar kameez for FIL
a suit each for nani, khalas, kalus, chahu, chachis, puppos
im still not over it... i jus hope they appreciate it
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
^ its the same here.. as im the only daughter so my mom wants to give just everything .. but i stopped her.. she wanted to give all my SILs a gold ring n suit and my SAS a gold set n suit.. but now she is giving all my SILs suits n my sas a suit n a gold pendant.. which i think is more than enough.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
My mum gave MIL a pair of earrings and a ring as well as a heavy suit and some ££ (can't remember how much but not much)
For each SIL she gave a ring and 2 suits (casual english material)
For my devar she gave a watch and an outfit (jeans and t-shirt top)
For my hubby's nani she gave a suit and ring
Then she gave 23 (yes 23!) other female family members a suit each - this was at the insistance of my SIL (who is here in the UK and is marreid to my cousin)
I think it is probably enough to just give the MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL's gifts.
The amount I think varies and is totally dependant on family tradition etc
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
My mom gave 4 suits and a pair of gold earrings to my saas.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
Just for my Nikkah last month, my mom gave my mother in law a suit and gold & diamond earrings which pissed me off to no extent because my saas only brought a suit and a perfume set for my mom. In addition to that, my mom gave my hubby's dadi gold earrings as well, my fil got a whole suit, polo shirts, shalwar kamiz, wallet, perfume set, etc etc and my hubby's 2 brothers got the same stuff as well. In addition to that, all the ladies who came from their side got suits, clutches, perfume sets.
I was so ticked off, I didn't even know about this (except mil's and dadi's earrings) until I went to my hubby's house and they all opened up presents. I told her that even a suit would have been enough and she said no, I have my own certain standards and I will give them things accordingly. My mom insisted that these things are necessary and that she was doing it all for me. My khala also said it was important because this gives a certain impression to the guy's family and that's important. And I did notice while visiting my inlaws that it does matter.. my mil wore her earrings to one of the dawats and everyone there started asking where got them from and everyone was all 'impressed' or whatever that larki walas had done so much. I have already told my mom she better not do something crazy during my rukhsati time, I would rather invest that money in something more worth it.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
ooooo..ye tu mene socha hi nahi.. IN LaWs k gifts?? cant afford gold these days.. thanx GOD apni gold jewellery mene pehle hi banwa li..
thank u SHAB-e-FIRAQ for opening this thread..
i waana ask also k sirf suit dena acha nahi lagta ..SAS n NANd ko gold de nahi ssakte tu sath mein aur kya dein??
FIL nahi hien BRo in Law 2 hein unko tu aik aik kurta suit k sath watch will be enuf i think?? what u guyz suggest??
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
other inlaws members like phophoos, aunties etc ko tu aik aik suit hi kafi hai. m not in all this.. to gve so much ,n i dont want my parents to be stressed out wid all thsi stuff..
but my SAS n NANd are important to me they r nice wid me.. unko tu khush karnaa hi hai..
? ?? kya karun?
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
shab-e-firaq i read your question again and how much is neough depends on you and your inlaws. Ofcourse not alot of people will come and ask for it, but our parents do it because its appropriate. I am the only bahu so far who is out of the family and also who is "bahir kay log". So i think however much my mom did for the inlaws (2 suits for all other family members plus their spouses and my husband has a big family MaashaAllah) was enough and made an impression that i am like everyone else even though i am from abroad. At the time it hought she was doing too much but she said its a one time thing and some things are necessary and need to be done. Frankly we couldnt afford to do gold for any of his sisters or bhabis. And i dont think thats expected .
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
First off, a lot of people mentioned 'it is not expected." Unfortunately, it is. Whether you have understanding, loving in laws or demanding, crazy ones, it is expected. Not only because they want it or demand it, but because they have to keep face in front of "society" which naggingly asks the in-laws what the 'larki walay' gave them. So even if some in laws don't want/demand/care about presents, it is expected because they too have to keep face.
I personally believe exchange of presents between both parties should be at a minimum. As mentioned above, gold prices have hit the roof and expecting gold jewelry is inconsiderate on the part of both parties. In fact, all presents should be kept to a minimum. I understand this is a joyous occasion and its only natural to want to share with others. I agree with and support that notion. However, it is not kept just to that limit. Mostly, it has become a matter of 'show' for in-laws nowadays. How many, how expensive, to whom, from where -- its ridiculous. And to top it all, presents are put out for show so people can see what the presents are and comment on them. What is this? An auction?
By the arrangement of society, the girl's side are under more pressure. In fact, when my brothers got married, we were at ease about a lot of things because we were the 'larkay walay'. Now that I'm getting married, its a whole different ball game.
I am appalled at how many families are treated badly if they are not able to afford the extravagances of a wedding. I have been reading above and I know it must anger you brides to an extent that your mothers are going out of their way to buy these presents that might or might not be a stretch for them. But in accordance with today's society, they're actually only trying to protect you. Like I read above, the in-laws are 'impressed' and more accepting of you as part of the family if you bring lots of goodies with you. Sadly, that is reality.
I would much rather exchange minor, meaningful gifts and save the other money and give it to the new couple to use. They could put down a down payment for a house with that or buy a car or open a savings account or even set up a college fund for their kids, Allah willing.
I truly respect your mothers for going out on a limb to please the in-laws because they are just trying to protect and secure your futures as daughter in-laws.
Allah bless.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
my mom got my MIL a really nice pair of gold earrings, and my father in law a cashmere sweater. they're gora and their family is really small so there was no such expectation on their end. they were just pleasantly surprised by the gifts and very pleased.
on our own side, mom got my khala and my phoppo's gold bangles but thats a rivaaj in our family. when each of my cousins got married, my mom also got a small gold something or the other from their mom's. so they're just spreading the love, i guess :)
and yea, i agree with you YP... it is an obligation usually to gift something, no matter how small. at least pakistani culture is marginally better than indian culture in this- for my bff's wedding, her inlaws gave her a LIST of items they wanted for their own side from her parents. i was shocked when i heard. apparently its the norm in their culture. her parents pretty much went bankrupt trying to fulfill the list- such a shame, and extremely shameful on the part of her FIL and MIL.
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
^ Thats a sweet gesture to give your khalas and phopps gifts. Now thats a simple gesture within the family and not really a crazy expectation.
Its not shocking about that list. It is, however, a shame.
SGC, have I seen your wedding pictures? Or did I miss them?
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
I completely agree with Your President. Although a lot of these gift-giving things will upset the brides, the parents are only insisting on doing it for their daughter's future. They are the ones who will have to face taanay and baatein at a later date if these things are not done or given. Not all families are cruel like that, but they are definitely out there. They do these things partly out of happiness and partly to protect the daughters too.
My mom asked my MIL to make the pehnawa (outfits). We were not in Pakistan and they were ... plus we didn't want to get them things from here they would not like. So we wired them money and asked them to get their own outfits according to their own likes/dislikes. I know it sounds weird, giving cash and asking them to make their own outfits/gifts, but we thought they would appreciate choosing their own gifts rather than getting something they don't like.
On top of that, we gave my saas and two SILs gold sets. The ladies also received nice perfume sets. The men received colognes and shirts and ties from here (on top of the pehnawa they were making on our behalf). This was for the immediate family and a couple of other close relatives on their side. The bachay got toys/clothes. My parents also got my FIL a watch.
my mom gave my sisters saas- a gold set- and saari's and other clothes- and along with that 8,000 U.S. dollars-- i didnt get the part abt the money bc my sisters MIL sed "oh its a ritual in gujraati's-girl side gives money to guys mother (their gujraati muslim from bombay) so far i havent heard of anything like that- but were seedhe saadhey loag and it was the 1st wedding in our family so we gave it -- but i think my mom got robbed- it still pisses me off till today!
Re: How much is enough to give you SASS
A girl leaves her family, her friends, her life as she knew it to go and start from scratch with new people who may or may not fancy her and to top it all, what does she leave behind? Financially crippled parents.
The fact that you are taking a human being, a woman, a bride should be enough. What was the $8,000 for? Taking you off your parents' hands? How pathetic. Its also true that many people take advantage of 'seedhay saaday' loag. I have seen that time and again. But your parents certainly did the only thing they know best --- protect you and your future. Unfortunately, these days protecting a girl's future comes in dollar bills and gold sets.
I pray you are happily married.
[quote="MehnazQ, post:80, topic:184618"]
I completely agree with Your President. Although a lot of these gift-giving things will upset the brides, the parents are only insisting on doing it for their daughter's future. They are the ones who will have to face taanay and baatein at a later date if these things are not done or given. Not all families are cruel like that, but they are definitely out there. They do these things partly out of happiness and partly to protect the daughters too. quote]
I agree. I keep hearing from my mom how my dad's khaandaan had said alot of things to her when she got married only because her family didn't give out gold or something utterly expensive. She still feels upset about the fact that she had to hear such mean things and doesn't want that to happen to me. But at the same time I told her that I will tell them to shut up or rather have my hubby give them an earful if they even try to say anything :D not that my inlaws are like that but if situation ever comes up. But of course mom's a mom and it just makes me mad.. sigh.
ASA guys what is wrong with Muslims today Islam teaches simplicity, what is all this thousands of dollars / Euro / Pound / Rupees, on Shadi, valimas Maher, Dowry and all the other BS stuff, what is wrong with us now days how come we cannot be simple for ex what did Rusool SAWS PBUH daughter the most precious girl on the universe how did her nikkah was done and what was for her dowry, if they wanted they could have had anything but simplicity people thats why todays muslim is lost and look around the world we are being embarced everywhere we go, because we have ways of others in our lives rather the the prophet Muhammad SAWS PBUH and Sahaba's RATA in our lives, brother and sisters I request you, please do research about our deen and the life of those mentioned above, if we dont there is no telling what will happen to us look around you and sit down and think, aaj Allah SWAT is angry with us, we need to get a hold of our selves before something bad happens like the people of Lutt, Samood, Aadd, Bani Israel, please this is a humble request to all and for myself first may Allah SWAT guide us to the right path Ameen, JazakAllah.