Re: How Long Would it Take…
well this has to be the most obtuse way to ask for it if that was truly your aim. why not start a thread and call it “reasons why people do not wish to adopt” then? 
Re: How Long Would it Take....
I don''t know about the charitable act. I don’t precieve adoption as a charity. It has more to do with your own values than anything else.
I give you my example. We have no kids by choice till now and we have decided that when the time comes in our lives that we think about expanding our family, adoption will be our first priority.
I happened to mention it to my dad once and his immediate reaction was why would you do that? He said adoption means you are incapable of having your own child. I was disappointed at his thought process but I did not argue with him since I don’t agree with my family in many aspects of life in general.
Point is that I think of adoption as another way of having children and it has the same value for me as having a biological child.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Adoption is kind of awkward in our community. There's this...idk, 'superiority' in having your on biological kid, and I think that view is more prevalent in South Asia than the West.
sad isn't it?
I can understand the desire and even the need to propagate but the whole taboo created around adoption is too much for me to tolerate. Sometimes I feel stifled by such needless conceptions and just have to speak out.
I find adoption would be amazing, if I weren't able to conceive. But I also know my uncle and aunt (born and riased in Pakistan, moved to Canada in their mid-20s) had fertility issues (my aunt can't have kids) - so my younger uncle had a son and said... "You should raise my kid cos you've pretty much raised the other 3". My elder uncle was thrilled and really did treat the baby as his own kid. However, my aunt was very cold and distant to it. It was sad to see and eventually she just said I can't do it, it's not my own and gave the kid back. His wife wouldn't accept having an adopted kid.
thanks for sharing such a personal story.
and I'm so glad that your aunt knew her limitations and was able to be fair to all involved.
kudos to her.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
I don''t know about the charitable act. I don’t precieve adoption as a charity. It has more to do with your own values than anything else. I give you my example. We have no kids by choice till now and we have decided that when the time comes in our lives that we think about expanding our family, adoption will be our first priority. I happened to mention it to my dad once and his immediate reaction was why would you do that? He said adoption means you are incapable of having your own child. I was disappointed at his thought process but I did not argue with him since I don’t agree with my family in many aspects of life in general. Point is that I think of adoption as another way of having children and it has the same value for me as having a biological child.
thanks for sharing your story......means a lot that you would open up here in a public way.
and you've touched upon another reason......the misconception or assumption by our society that adopting means you are incapable of having your own biological child......perhaps another idea that is perpetuated by the fact that usually those who face infertility end up adopting. (another reason why I am so keen to adopt after having had my own child....just to counter this notion)
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Jolie,
Well said. I think our community does a lot to discourage adoption and frankly I find this very disheartening. I sometimes wonder what would happen to my child if I happened to be in a disaster-ravaged area where both of us and all our relatives were killed....what would happen to my child? What if she was surrounded by people who thought that they couldn't do justice and just let her get on with whatever kind of life she might have in an impoverished orphanage?
What if there were men that thought adoption somehow compromised their masculinity or women who could see no other purpose to their lives if they were not able to fulfill their primary function of procreation?
Where would we be?
I know how you feel and I'm very glad you feel this way, it’s very (very, very) rare to come across South Asian individuals who have a not so dismissive and hopeless take on adoption.
There is a drama that’s currently running on Geo where the guy is considering second marriage because he wants to be the 'father' and infertile wife is on the verge of hitting insanity because she can't be a 'mother', and surprise surprise their marriage is falling apart pretty badly because of that . Now you don’t need any special life experience or degree in your back pocket to understand that its utterly sad, unfair and their suffering is very much self inflicted in this day and age because in the form of adoption, the couple has an opportunity to have children and experience parenthood. Unfortunately I can't say it’s just a drama and dismiss the issue, because that’s very much the reality in South Asia. Having a child confirms your malehood, bearing a baby serves the prime (for some, the only) purpose of being a woman and any hiccup in the system means your life is nothing but a big lonely bubble of doom and gloom. My mother knows a case of woman, who’d been in a profound state of depression for decades because she couldn’t conceive, she just wanted to be a mummy and experience every bit of joy and delight that a child brings in life. Fortunately, she did adopt a child and is now a wonderful mother to a very happy kid and a very inspiring woman.
I’m not advocating baby shopping for every single family out there, adoption should not be a casual decision in way or form. However, the point of trying to make is that adoption is a perfectly legitimate option and should be encouraged, especially to those who are having trouble conceiving. Trust me, its better than hitting depression.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
This is so profound that it needed repeating.
Do you mind elaborating a bit more on your first paragraph?
Muzna I see that I was unable to explain my mind. I am not a wise person and I am not good with words. And that is a lethal combination :D
I love kids. I go mad and lose my sleep if I ever come to know of some kid somehwere in distress. I would go and adopt a kid just for the love of it - to provide that kid a good quality life, and not because God did not give me one. Just like anything else in life, 2 kids are not equal, and my biological kid is different than my adopted kid. One cannot replace the other for me.
I know of (and you too) at least 2 examples where in one example, a couple adopted kids because they did not have their own. And in the other example, after adoption, couple was blessed with a biological kid. In both cases, I am sure that the adoption was neither the replacement, nor better or worst than having own kids. In both examples, what I see is that God blessed them with opportunity to raise kids that were not born through them, but they were loved and raised the same.
DO you think that those kids see them any different than the the way my kids see me? No, right?
Point is, adoption vs Biological is all in our head sometimes. If God had given me means (and I pray that he does, soon), I would love to have another kid calling me dad.
My only biased might be that even the 3rd time around, I would prefer a girl :D
Re: How Long Would it Take....
lovely posts......both by Jolie and TLK.
thanks guys....brought a smile to my face.
I hope and pray that Allah provides you with another child to love TLK......in any way.
And Jolie......please keep talking about this sort of stuff.....I promise you that it will make a difference in our community iA.....despite the efforts of those that continue to undermine.
Re: How Long Would it Take…
Re: How Long Would it Take....
uffo.....he didn't say that you have to produce it.....
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Acha, thanks for clarifying. Phew. :D
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Adopting a child isnt a piece of cake.. I believe it requires more physical, emotional, and mental power to raise a child thats not on your own.. I love my sisters kids to death but most of the time I am too afraid to say anything to discipline them just because I dont want anyone to think that since they are not mine, I can or shouldnt get away with it.
Personally, I dont think it's an extreme to go for IVF or whatever it takes to have a biological child.. it's a woman right and desire to become a mom and if she wants to seek medical help as much as possible..kudos to her.. in face I believe only a brave woman can give injections to herself and go through the emotional roller coaster of conceiving while some of us may not understand because we conceived within a year of ttc and often without any medical help!!
also, just because you and I may think how can I not love another child, our significant other may have a different thought process.. I know, my husband will probably not be comfortable with an idea of adoption if, god forbid, we couldnt have kids. Nothing wrong with it..it's not everyone's cup of tea and I/we shall respect that.
Everything is not so black and white when it comes to having kids and/or adopting kids. I hope I didnt offend anyone but just my two cents!
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Lovely post, GTG.
You put a huge smile on my face..see? :D
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Adopting a child isnt a piece of cake.. I believe it requires more physical, emotional, and mental power to raise a child thats not on your own.. I love my sisters kids to death but most of the time I am too afraid to say anything to discipline them just because I dont want anyone to think that since they are not mine, I can or shouldnt get away with it.
Personally, I dont think it's an extreme to go for IVF or whatever it takes to have a biological child.. it's a woman right and desire to become a mom and if she wants to seek medical help as much as possible..kudos to her.. in face I believe only a brave woman can give injections to herself and go through the emotional roller coaster of conceiving while some of us may not understand because we conceived within a year of ttc and often without any medical help!!
also, just because you and I may think how can I not love another child, our significant other may have a different thought process.. I know, my husband will probably not be comfortable with an idea of adoption if, god forbid, we couldnt have kids. Nothing wrong with it..it's not everyone's cup of tea and I/we shall respect that.
Everything is not so black and white when it comes to having kids and/or adopting kids. I hope I didnt offend anyone but just my two cents!
well said!
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Adopting a child isnt a piece of cake.. I believe it requires more physical, emotional, and mental power to raise a child thats not on your own.. I love my sisters kids to death but most of the time I am too afraid to say anything to discipline them just because I dont want anyone to think that since they are not mine, I can or shouldnt get away with it.
Personally, I dont think it's an extreme to go for IVF or whatever it takes to have a biological child.. it's a woman right and desire to become a mom and if she wants to seek medical help as much as possible..kudos to her.. in face I believe only a brave woman can give injections to herself and go through the emotional roller coaster of conceiving while some of us may not understand because we conceived within a year of ttc and often without any medical help!!
also, just because you and I may think how can I not love another child, our significant other may have a different thought process.. I know, my husband will probably not be comfortable with an idea of adoption if, god forbid, we couldnt have kids. Nothing wrong with it..it's not everyone's cup of tea and I/we shall respect that.
Everything is not so black and white when it comes to having kids and/or adopting kids. I hope I didnt offend anyone but just my two cents!
Thanks for saying this...!
Let's see when this thread gets locked.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
There is a drama that’s currently running on Geo where the guy is considering second marriage because he wants to be the 'father' and infertile wife is on the verge of hitting insanity because she can't be a 'mother', and surprise surprise their marriage is falling apart pretty badly because of that . Now you don’t need any special life experience or degree in your back pocket to understand that its utterly sad, unfair and their suffering is very much self inflicted in this day and age because in the form of adoption, the couple has an opportunity to have children and experience parenthood.
are you serious? an immature couple that can not live together unless they absolutely need kids will be able to be stable and responsible parents to someone else's kids? where is that facepalm smiley?
Re: How Long Would it Take....
Each relationship is different, each person's life experiences are different, each person's priorities and strengths are different, and as a result, the reasons for why they make the choices they make are personal and unique to them.
There is no one answer to why/how/when a person may consider adoption rather than having or in addition to having a biological child. We can try and understand why a person arrived at the decision they did - but that won't necessarily explain why another person made the same or another decision.
Of the people I know who either couldn't have children, except for two couples, the rest remained childless and didn't choose to adopt. Of those two couples, one couple that did adopt, adopted the younger brother's son and m'A gave that little boy as much love as his own parents could have. The son remains close to his biological parents as well.
The other couple - the sister adopted her brother's daughter and she and her husband also loved that little girl more than the biological parents. I say more than because the girl (who's now a woman) was always excluded from her biological family unit by her siblings and the parents turned a blind eye to it.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
are you serious? an immature couple that can not live together unless they absolutely need kids will be able to be stable and responsible parents to someone else's kids? where is that facepalm smiley?
As a poster said earlier, everything is not black and white in this world. Children for some couple provide the fuel for running a marriage.
Whats this 'someone else's kids' nonsense thats popping up in some posts? Its so disrespectful to all those perfectly happy and stable households with adopted children. Really speak to parents with adopted kids ans asks them if they still see their children as 'someone else's kids. In case some people have no clue, when you adopt the kid, you take it as 'your own', that kid becomes your own...you have to be some seriously twisted and wasted individual to go the extent of adopting and still not treat child as your own, with this kind of attitude they probably won't let you adopt the kid anyway, in the UK at least. Thats why I said earlier adoption should not be a casual choice, and not every aairri ghairri family should be allowed to adopt. Its an incredibly special and personal thing in my eyes...
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Childern for some couple provide the fuel for running a marriage.
ah yes.. more star plus morality..
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ah yes.. more star plus morality..
Good for you if you are an expert on star TV and its morality. But that's very much the awful reality in South Asian community.
Re: How Long Would it Take....
We are all trying to be politically correct here because it can be a sensitive topic to people who are facing the infertility issues.
Truth of the matter is that majority of people want to have biological children. They want to pass along their genes, they want to experience pregnancy and the miracle of birth. Having children is a big deal and a whole notion of womanhood and motherhood is associated with it. It is unfair to subject couples going through IVFs and therapies with " why don’t you just adopt?” question. Why don’t people who are able to have kids adopt? Why have two or three or five of your biological children? Adoption is definitely not for everyone and thank havens that people do realize their limitations.