for you to consider adopting if you have been struggling with fertility issues?
I’m curious.
There are many people that will go on and on and on putting themselves through a living hell with the treatments that come with fertility issues to conceive a child and yet they will not consider adopting.
I am not questioning their choice to continue with the treatment but I would like to understand the various reasons they might have to negate the option to adopt a child.
I would gladly adopt a child if I were unable to have another…but my opinion doesn’t count because I have a child already and I know what it is like.
There are people in my family at both extremes…one that says no worries if we can’t have kids we’ll provide a happy home for a child that would otherwise go without. And there are those that say we will do almost anything to have one of our own…bring on IVF or whatever…
these are really difficult situations to put yourself in other people's shoes and think objectively. if a couple want a kid of their own, and are not interested in adoption, i cant see how that can be held against them. it is their life, their very very very personal and intimate choices. doubt there is any one size fits all answer for this.
I agree queer.....there is no catch-all type of answer for this. And certainly not a right or wrong one.
I just want to understand the different reasons and the logic behind them....everybody will have their own.
And just to be clear......as you have suggested otherwise in your post.....I am not holding anything against them. My wanting to understand the various reasons is not holding their decision against them.
It is such a personal thing I never ask anyone about their plans or reasons.
I have 2 kids MashaAllah (biological) and I want to adopt one more but everyone keeps telling me that I will not be able to do justice as I have my own kids so it just scares me. I do not want to do unjustice to a child.
Since I am not in that place I dont know how I would have felt if I was not able to concieve.
It is a personal thing but I think to what limit you can go. One of my friend had 7 abortions and still she wants to try. Well its her life and I pray for her from my heart that she gets pregnant.Ameen 7 abortions are too much and make you very week.What I think that every woman should think about their mental and physical health before going through all pain. And sometimes its family that is always pushing you back to adopt. Its a tough decision to adopt or not to adopt.
yes sarad....it is such a very personal thing.....and sometimes the feeling varies between spouses too. one wants to adopt while the other cannot come to terms with the concept.
there are many that suggest "you will not be able to do justice" and I always find this baffling since I cannot imagine loving a child based on his/her origins. I just see children as innocent beings that have little to no control (depending on how old they are) over what happens to them. I could never imagine treating one child in a preferential way just because they are my own (biologically) as opposed to another that is in my care.
UZ -- you have touched upon one of the reasons for my curiosity......how far can you push your body? I know of a couple where the wife has now miscarried several times and still the idea of adoption does not appeal to them. Granted, I can understand the desire to have a child of your own....but what if you put your body through so much that you compromise your ultimate well-being and then jeopardize your ability to care for even an adopted child? I have seen this happen too. The husband is now left to bring home the bread, care for an adopted toddler and look after his bed-ridden wife who can barely move. Allah unn par rehem karay, ameen.
you find it baffling that not everyone is like you?
i can understand if you had actually adopted a kid and had experience parenting a biological kid as well as an adopted kid, and then felt baffled. but this is freestyle open-judgement bafflement where your nose clearly does not belong. vut is dis?
and what exactly happened to the wife with fertility treatments that she can barely move?
no. I don’t expect people to be like me.
I find the concept of not being able to treat biological and adopted kids with the same hand baffling not that people aren’t like me.
And yes…it could be because I don’t have the experience…although it exists in my immediate family.
but what’s the harm in asking about it?
chill queer…nobody is judging anyone. just because I am asking a question doesn’t mean that I am judging.
besides…what rule is there that suggests only someone that is experiencing something is allowed to talk about it?
Endometriosis, which was contributing to her infertility, coupled with the treatments she endured for both the endo and the fertility created scar tissue in her uterus and surrounding areas which subsequently turned cancerous.
I am the kind of person who sees no direct connection between adoption and infertility. We are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, but if God had other plans for us, I dont know if I would ever adopt a child for that reason.
Having said that, I love the idea of adoption so much that I pray to God to give me resources so I can adopt another kid and bring more blessings in my life.
To put above 2, seemingly contradictory statements, together, if we had no child, I would've adopted a kid not because we had no child, but because we probably had enough resources to adopt one and raise him/her with same quality and love that I expect to raise my biological child with.
I dont know if I made any sense to you guys at all. Hope that I did.
I am the kind of person who sees no direct connection between adoption and infertility. We are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, but if God had other plans for us, I dont know if I would ever adopt a child for that reason.
Having said that, I love the idea of adoption so much that I pray to God to give me resources so I can adopt another kid and bring more blessings in my life.
To put above 2, seemingly contradictory statements, together, if we had no child, I would've adopted a kid not because we had no child, but because we probably had enough resources to adopt one and raise him/her with same quality and love that I expect to raise my biological child with.
I dont know if I made any sense to you guys at all. Hope that I did.
This is so profound that it needed repeating.
Do you mind elaborating a bit more on your first paragraph?
Adoption is indeed very personal thing but this line cannot be used to as a polite way of dismissing this subject. I feel a lot of families in our community would be very open to adoption in general only if there is some encouragement available, and that will happen once people get out of this 'adoption = hush hush its a personal matter' mentality. The matter should be discussed, it should be considered whenever and wherever it is possible. I know many fertility department in UK hospitals have encouraging adoption posters and leaflets, and I for one feel very pleased about that.
PS: Charlize Theron has just adopted a baby boy. I'm adding this piece of my information because as one of my very senior colleagues says: God bless the Hollywood women for making adoption look all real and relevant. There's far too many children in the world that desperately need rescuing.
Well said. I think our community does a lot to discourage adoption and frankly I find this very disheartening.
I sometimes wonder what would happen to my child if I happened to be in a disaster-ravaged area where both of us and all our relatives were killed....what would happen to my child? What if she was surrounded by people who thought that they couldn't do justice and just let her get on with whatever kind of life she might have in an impoverished orphanage?
What if there were men that thought adoption somehow compromised their masculinity or women who could see no other purpose to their lives if they were not able to fulfill their primary function of procreation?
there is one. when it comes to situations like these that are incredibly painful on those that are going through it in reality. it is called basic decency. you wouldn’t walk up to a divorcee and go, o hai rehana baji i am baffled at how one couldn’t stay married if they tried hard enough. same “rule” applies here.
it is funny how you have all these corner cases ready, but not one of a step-child who was mistreated, or an adopted child that had to be “returned” because of inability to adjust with the new family.
and stop deleting my posts now. 2 in the last 5 mins. such pettiness…
People are product of their society and in our society having a biological child is preferred. Not everyone is capable of loving a child unconditionally not even real parents and it is better to not adopt if your heart is not fully in it.
Personally, I don’t like the idea of adoption as a last resort to have kids. Infertility should not be the only precursor to adoption.
there is one. when it comes to situations like these that are incredibly painful on those that are going through it in reality. it is called basic decency. you wouldn't walk up to a divorcee and go, o hai rehana baji i am baffled at how one couldn't stay married if they tried hard enough. same "rule" applies here.
and how do you know that I am not or have not been through the same process.....?
again.....I am not expecting all to participate here......there is nothing forcing someone to come in here and reply.
those that are contributing, save for yourself, seem to understand what I am getting at.
thanks for your feedback nonetheless.
it is funny how you have all these corner cases ready, but not one of a step-child who was mistreated, or an adopted child that had to be "returned" because of inability to adjust with the new family.
you are more than welcome to share any cases that you wish to......I'm not stopping anyone.
I simply don't have such an example; fortunately.
besides....if I did present one someone could come along and be just as dismissive as you have been so truly that proves nothing.
the objective here is to understand someone else's point of view......why they are not considering adoption.......and what is motivating them......
and stop deleting my posts now. 2 in the last 5 mins. such pettiness...
I haven't deleted any of your posts in this thread.
And if you can prove the relevance of your posts in the other thread, other than futile attempts to derail serious discussion, then I will restore them there.
People are product of their society and in our society having a biological child is preferred. Not everyone is capable of loving a child unconditionally not even real parents and it is better to not adopt if your heart is not fully in it.
Personally, I don’t like the idea of adoption as a last resort to have kids. Infertility should not be the only precursor to adoption.
Thanks for your reply bebo.
Are you saying that perhaps adoption should not be approached as a solution to infertility and should be more of a charitable act towards the betterment of society in general?
Adoption is kind of awkward in our community. There's this...idk, 'superiority' in having your on biological kid, and I think that view is more prevalent in South Asia than the West. I find adoption would be amazing, if I weren't able to conceive. But I also know my uncle and aunt (born and riased in Pakistan, moved to Canada in their mid-20s) had fertility issues (my aunt can't have kids) - so my younger uncle had a son and said... "You should raise my kid cos you've pretty much raised the other 3". My elder uncle was thrilled and really did treat the baby as his own kid. However, my aunt was very cold and distant to it. It was sad to see and eventually she just said I can't do it, it's not my own and gave the kid back. His wife wouldn't accept having an adopted kid.
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