We talk about how haraam it is for girls and boys to mingle, rarely do you see masjids (only really in the West, that too SOME of them) hosting mixed events for men and women to mingle to meet each other. Usually, if it is done, it’s NOT at a masjid site, ironically. It’s at some local hotel, and the event costs people money to attend so poor-middle class can sometimes not afford these events (round trip tickets, hotel costs, plus event participation costs = $$).
So the process is still built heavily on matchmakers, aka rishta aunties.
What I’ve noticed is how the emphasis is on the person’s age, their education, their ethnic background, but there’s never a mention made of anyone’s personality, and decisions are made on pictures often.
Aren’t we supposed to avoid marrying for lust or money? Doesn’t the Quran tell us that?
Just look at the rishta thread in wedding. That’s all it is - stats on a person, nothing about who that person really is.
Isn't it universal that when it comes to guys, any woman that can press the money advantage does want a guy with money for security? Of course, in exchange for money, the guys are looking for certain attributes and beauty would be in the top 3.
Having money is considered a symbol of a successful marriage. It is with its merits like a richer couple would provide better resources for their kids to succeed compared to poor people. Research has shown that richer people generally stay in the same class and looking at Pakistan, I can see how generation after generation remains poor as well.
I'd say the process is more on networking than matchmakers per se. From what I remember, people will go to people in the community who are well known and then let them know that they're looking so if they know of someone who they think might be suitable, then to let them know. When I was young, I know my parents had checked with some community elders for us. Over past couple of years, people have approached even my group of friends with this type of thing. There's nothing wrong in that. Again, none of us are formal matchmakers but it's just assumed we might have some sort of a network and know of other people who are looking.
There is nothing wrong with looking at someone's age, education, ethnic background. Basically what the hadith tells us is that we should not ignore the deen of a person. Also, things like age, education, ethnic background are all objective. And there's no reason why someone can't expect to get someone who fulfills those requirements AND has a good personality/characters/morals etc.
The traits you speak of are not tangible...there's no way to get them on paper or even document them. When you dont know someone, you can only rely on what you see...not what could be or might be.
Don't you want someone who has a decent education? Aren't you educated? What do you think that symbolizes for most people?
While beauty and financial stability may seem superficial things to look for, I don't think you can just ignore them.
Most people want to marry someone they are at least attracted to and most people want someone who's somewhat financial stable.
While the pakistani rishta process can be debated, I'm not sure how you think an islamic rishta process should be? You mention mingling with the opposite gender as one of the key points, fair enough, but do you think people will just mingle without any set requirements?
Age, education, family background and looks are still going to play an important role.
I’m not sure what exactly is “Pakistani rishta process” but in our family, the typical chai parade thing is unheard off and so is the meeting any potential match PRIOR to marriage.
I can tell you one thing, if my husband and I were given a chance of “getting to know each other” we wouldn’t have married!
Now alhamdulillah we are married for 16+ years and happily, alhamdulillah. But the screening done for rishta these days, scares me actually. You know I’m a bit taller than my husband, we have age difference of a decade (I was 19, he was 29), he had barely started a business and was only a graduate. I was also a graduate at that time and if you think of looks, I’m average or may be below that for many people… He had no property or bank balance, even my in laws were living in rent and he was the eldest of 6 siblings with quite many responsibilities.
But alhamdulillah what my parents heard about him, he was a decent guy from like minded family… They did istikhara, I did istikhara… And within 4 months we were married. I can’t thank Allah enough for blessing us… He is the best person I’ve known thus far.
It’s actually up to us if we profess to believe a certain religion or actually make it a way of living for us.
I've been watching a relative whose been looking at girls and it's one thing to look at someone's attractiveness but another to brutally rip someone apart. I flat out to refuse to participate in the nose kaisi ajeeb thi convo.
And religion thing is also baffling. People just want the person to be superficially respectable on the outside for the society at large. Undar say the goodness of a person is meaningless.
It’s much more similar to traditional Indian/Hindu culture.. In Islam the couple are supposed to see each other and make sure they’re ‘pleased’ with the other’s appearance.. that whole thing of seeing the person for the first time on the wedding day isn’t in our religion.. The parents aren’t allowed to just decide who we marry and we have to go along with it.. I’ve see posts in Islamic forums even now from Pakistani kids here in the UK asking if they’re allowed to say ‘no’ to their parents Also, it’s sunnah for the couple to exchange gifts, not act like they don’t exist because ‘people might talk’
Nothing wrong with talking before marriage in Islam as long as the couple aren’t alone.. again culture frowns on couples meeting even in public or with other family members there when they’re fine talking to other people of the opp gender on a daily basis for work etc. Isn’t it illogical?
We don't do the "rishta aunty" thing in our culture, so this is just my opinion as an observer but I think the issue with the rishta aunty thing in Pakistani culture is that people tend to rely a bit too much on rishta aunties and hand over control of the entire process. People also tend to involve rishta aunties, people who don't know you well, who may not have your best interests at heart and who may have other motivations, a bit too intimately in the process. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing, but I would most certainly not trust a third party, who is not family and does not know me, with something as important as finding a potential spouse.
I also think that this idea you guys have that you must make your decision based on one or two meetings (fondly referred to on here as "the chai parade") is not conducive to finding out whether or not a prospect is really suitable as a spouse and often leads to rather hasty and unwise decisions.
The Quran clearly states to not marry for lust or money. You don't even need to go to Hadith for that. If only people quoted the Quran more than they do Hadith.
The Quran clearly states to not marry for lust or money. You don't even need to go to Hadith for that. If only people quoted the Quran more than they do Hadith.
Can you point out which ayat you're talking about?
Deeba the problem is that just even SELECTING who to consider even talking to, when you are looking for a spouse for your son - the thing people will ask from the rishta Aunty side is : picture, height, weight, and education/job.
They basically then use that superficial info to determine whether moms talk and after that it is determined the son can even know about the girl existing.
Meanwhile compatible girls that did not appeal to the guy or mom on first look of the picture or a calculation of a BMI that wasn't "hot" doesn't get to meet the guy.
This is then followed by a marriage which is then followed by either 40 years of complaining about the DIL when they realize she is pretty...batameez, or just incompatible or it leads to a divorce.
And then Ramadan rolls around and we forget the basic advice given to us about mating in the Quran and we carry on with the same tomfoolery while we do our 20th Quran khatam after Ramadan and we boast about how we read the Quran about 2 times in Ramadan. Apparently we just read the Arabic what it was saying we don't have a clue and la la la we carry on with our dumb cultural ways.
^
Pardon me PCG but your views are quite biased and based on your assumptions. I'm not sure if, what you assume is your observation of a particular family/ ethnicity or what... It certainly doesn't reflect the behaviour of a whole nation (Pakistani, as you stated in opening post).
Such vast generalisations do not reflect education, but only frustration IMHO.
Also, it’s sunnah for the couple to exchange gifts, not act like they don’t exist because ‘people might talk’ 
