from reading ur other thread in my opinion u made no mistake. u did the right thing to tell ur father at that time. it was a critical situation and the elders settled it wisely.
now the thing is what does he say when u guys hav an arguement? i think ur mistake was to say sorry a zillion times. stop saying n feeling sorry now. y not when next time he brings in the past issue while arguing on something fresh ,don't go back n discuss it at all. ask him to stay on topic n not bring past. is ur SIL married yet? Is she happy in her new home? i guess not otherwise he would hav gotten over it.
my advice dheet ban jayo, brush off their silly arguements n taunts. bewaqoof ILs k liay apna gher kharab na kero. if u stop discussing past( change topic, move away etc), discussion will die. if he's emotionally detach u get busy in something like ur kid, a job, hobby. just be kind and fulfill ur responsibilities. trying winning him over with some girly tactics.
The option of a divorce has been given to you by your husband so tomorrow if something happens he will tell the whole wide world that that's what she wanted then that's what she got... forget about the world, he will tell your son the same and blame it all on you for walking out on him like that...
My advice.. well, do not get divorce.. and become a complete dheet.. just take it with grain of salt, he is not gonna change no biggy.. you just move on with your daily routine, eventually he will not bother you much.
I agree with Mc12IT. Try to ignore and try to live you life....eventually he will give up.......there is always a soft corner somewhere in heart of men. Angry people are in fact cooler inside :)
Mc12T the option of divorce has not been given by him...He says tht he can live this life..Which apparently is not abusive at all...He provides me everything like food home and shelter. he also takes care of my physical needs. But he says tht he wil never be able to give me the same love which we used to have. He said tht he will never support me emotionally and for emotional support i will have to look for my parents. I have asked him to move on and we can start a new life full of love and trust but he says no i cannot trust u again.
Plus he does not want to extend his family with me either. He says one son is enouhg. I mean wht the hell? how can he take my right of becoming mother away from me?
Thts y i was considering seperation. he is not willing to change his attitude for me and my son and for himself also.
you are saying he takes care of your physical needs also. May be he still has a soft corner for you in his heart, but there is a 3rd person (prolly your MIL) who is poisoning him against you?
i think you should read some duaa, like Surah Muzamal daily, and ask for Allah’s help. Give it some more time.
Ur husband sounds like a very selfish person. U need to stop trying so hard and just leave him. stop giving him attention u have nothing to be sorry about!
Mayb instead concentrate on building bridges with ur inlaws?
p.s. IMO If someone can't support u emotionally there's no use of them supporting u physically
Well said FairyTale.....there is someone else who is creating rift between them....
I recommend you both start five time prayers and read Surah Bakarah and Manzil (small booklet of verses from Quran) daily for a month. You will see some change happening in each others behavior. Someone is behind your life to break you up......consult some molana sahib...
It is very common and I am telling you with experience.
cB,if he is fulfilling your physical needs then how can he stop u guys from having another kid if Allah wills so. us k kehnay se kuch nahi hota. kids r fated n Allah will giv u when He wishes to. this is absurd reason for divorce. after divorce u will still hav one kid unless u remarry and want step siblings for ur son.
end this endless discussion. if u move on and stop worrying abt these things he'll move on too. may be he's right u should find emotional support in other ppl like friendz, siblings, ur son etc without him realizing it. nahi trust kerta na keray u didn't sleep with another guy u just let ur family know abt ur prob. doesn't he let his mother know abt his n ur personal matters?
Dear cosmicBiwi
I read your old thread and this one - and my honest advice for you is DON'T GO FOR DIVORCE just because of something that others brought into your life... IMO your husband is acting like a spoiled and bigra hua larka and not beeing mature at all... AND there is a high possibility that a third party is giving him some "advices" (!!!????!!!) - so keep your eyes open.
1.) You have apologized a zillion times which I think was a mistake. BUT I can UNDERSTAND (not saying it's right) you did that - for the sake of peace or so. Now if you decide to go back and carry on with your married life (which you should do) than don't say sorry again and get in involved in discussion in case your husband complain about this OLD story again - as others said above, too.
2.) Keep some distance from your MIL and SIL. Meaning do treat your in laws with respect but don't try to be EXTRA nice and don't have expectations from them. I am sure they know that they (MIL & SIL) behaved in a wrong way in the past, now they only have to feel the guilt. Only then they will treat you with respect and care.
3.) reg. the issue about having more children: well I think this might be a tactic of your husband to emotionally blackmail you. Don't let that happen. Just try to ignore it. I think when time passes by and your husband sees that his "emotional blackmailing" has no use he will stop saying so. And you know with time he will also realize that how stupid he reacted and will come closer to you again. Believe me - after all you are the mother of his son. And you said that he is a wonderfull father so I assume he loves children and further more I assume he might actually want to have more children, too. He will certainly change his attitude and behaviour towards you one day - just pray very much to ALLAH and try to be optimistic.
This is my first advice at a forum ever and I hope I was able to understand the situation good enough and didn't advise something wrong by understanding something wrong. If so I apologize in advance.
Dont take divorce. I just read your other thread. This is not such a big issue..
I agree third parties are at working on your husband.
The advisors's there and here already gave you the right advise which is that you are not due major blame.
And if you only have if anything, minor faults, for having some wishes, as everyone does, have faith on God, pray it will be ok.
I advice you do not take divorce. I do think it will be bad, as that family will obviously be bad-mouthing you to maintain thier rep.
You said your husband is a good person. Just bare with it for some time, take the advice of others regarding doing specific wazifaz from koran and sunnath for improving marital relations.
Become immune and patient to things for some time, until Allah makes it better.
Do it for your kids if not anything for the moment. Sometimes we only realise what we got when we loose it. You or your husband may feel this after divorce, from which there is then no turning back.
Being hopeless is also a sin.
Im not saying you should put up. But your husband atleast has the maturity and respect to furfill his rights. So there is hope.
He could have been worse, like sending you home, abusing, degrading.
I say listen to the advisors here, and be more patient. Inshallah with time your husband will settle. Ramzan is also coming up make the best of it.
Be the best wife you can be for your husband and kids, impress him.
Dont go for divorce until and when you have exhausted all options.
And you have a kid, which we're sure your husband too loves.
Maybe you could go to your 'maika' for some time to make him realise what it is without his family.
If possible and safe you could try to rectify the situation that went wrong.
My divorce happened due to my own sisters and mother........I was an idiot I supported my sisters all the time rather than my wife.......now I feel my wife was very nice girl. I can never forgive myself for my rude attitude towards her. Meri sagee behan aur amee nay jadoo toona kervaya.......ghar mei jhagray wagera aur bohat kuch huva......
Keep your distance from MIL and SIL as said above.
Zamana bohat bigar gaya hai......nobody wants to see you live happy life.
Rite now i feel tht i am putting all the effort into relationship. He has always been emotionality distant. Whenevr i need him the most or whenever i need a shoulder to cry on he is not there.
This is hwat someone told me.... if u stay with him, theres a chance he will change, maybe gradually but still change... he may become that shoulder u need to cry on...
If you get divorced, there goes all chances of that happening.
I still remember ur last thread.... do you live wiht ur in laws? Would moving out help your marriage?
^ I didn’t think about the situation from that perspective… Mc12IT is right. Your husband will tells others that you walked out on the marriage and took away your son from him. He’ll try to emotionally blackmail your son in the future.
Of course he’s going to take care of your physical needs, he’s a guy and he’s married to you. He has his needs too! If he didn’t, he’d cheat on you or become a celibate (which is unlikely). Does he turn to you for emotional support?- like when he’s stressed out at work or when there’s an illness or death in the family? It sounds horrible… but maybe if something really serious like those happen, he’ll turn to you for emotional support and realize your value. Regarding more kids… just wait on it. You already are a mother, focus on your one child. How old is your son? Have your in-laws asked you if you’re planning on having another child? And your SIL… did she get married? If your SIL is now married, I don’t understand why your husband is still holding grudges. It is very possible that your in-laws are encouraging him, saying that they endured “baysati” due to you.
Divorce is an option, but just remember that it’s something you can’t undo when it’s done.
Sara i am not living with them. they r in Pak but my Husband calls them on daily basis.
Thts wht i have been trying for the past 2 yrs. Saber. And hopes, tht mayb one day he will change his attitude. But i dont see tht happening in near future. Mayb Allah is testing my patience.
Soundaraya he keeps is not an open person. And he hardly shares his problems with me..Even if he has stress at work he wont tell me. I just feel tht he is stressed and usually ask him and he tells me "moti moti baatein".
And regarding kids its not tht i want a baby rite now. my son is almost 2 now MA. But i woluld love to have one when my son turns 3 or 4. But he says tht he has not given it any thought and says 1 is enough. And this thing pinches me the most. :( . No one in my family or inlaws is pressurizing me to have another baby but thts my personal feeling and i badly want more kids.
And regarding my SIL she is getting married soon. SO mayb things will get better once she is married.
didn't get a chance to read all the replies but thread starter, is your husband abusive(physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally)? are you compatible, is he totally inflexible?
maybe a trial separation rather than divorce would be better, just to see how it works out
