how important is jahez?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

OK so i know that the trend to give or take jahez/dowry is slowly on the decline esp for families livin in the U.S.

my question was…does the topic ever come up after marriage? i mean, if u didn’t bring jahez, did MIL or hubby ever mention it during arguments etc just to spite u or hold a grudge against u. if you brought too much, did it make a difference in how “impressed” your inlaws were with you or how much they appreciate you being their bahu?

i know this SHOULDN’T matter…but i just wanna know. my mom wants to give me alotta stuff…my in laws say they don’t want anything at all n are being realllly nice about it. but i’m just wondering if it will ever come up afterward and if so, how?

2

Re: how important is jahez?

look if you folks want to give you something, tell her instead of giving you stuff, just contribute towards the downpayment on your home if you or your husband to be dont have a house.

as far as how important it is to give or to expect stuff..i suppose it depends on the family and their background etc

Timepass - March 2014
3

X2 gave a real good advice about the downpayment. That makes more sence if your parents really want to give you some thing.

If your in laws are saying no to it right now I highly doubt they are the kind of people who'll bug you later & as far as husbands are concerned. I have noticed even if they are illiterate they don't give a damn about this whole jahez issue. Its sometimes the mil who are greedy or whatever you wanna call it.

Also its not people in USA who are declining jahez. Its becoming a common practice in Pakistan too.

Timepass - March 2014
4

Re: how important is jahez?

Jehez is unimportant and very primitive.

5

Re: how important is jahez?

how important it is ... for some its Red in tooth and claw ..

I say it is as important as BaRi ... Dont expect Guy side to bring 5 sets of 5 , 5 tola gold .... Hope they wont ask you for jehaz :)

Willingness should be shown from both sides to address this issue , otherwise you are just jumping the gun :)

6

Re: how important is jahez?

jahez and bari have no importance.

7

Unfortunately, for me, it did come up. Not that my parents din't give like tonnes of stuff.... BUT there was only ONE thing missing.... Despite the fact that they said they have no demands.... they did tell me this several times k bed room set nahi diya.... humare yahan to bedroom set k bina to chalta hi nahi hai

Though I was NEVER gonna live there... I had to stay there for a maximum of 1.5months and moved back to the country I was living.... it did not make sense for them to give me a bedroom set at a place where I am not going to live.

Besides, they did give me $5000 in cash so my hubby and I could buy all the furniture of our own choice. And they knew it!! But still, my MIL & SIL had issues with it and taunted me several times... Plus they also put this thing into my hubby's head and he complained to me about it too!!

Except for a stupid bedroom set, there was every other single thing which is normally there in a girl's dowry.

I am a Memon and my hubby a Punjabi.

So we were not even aware of all their riwaajs. So my parents repeatedly asked them that please let us know frankly whatever riwaaj aur rasm you expect us to do. We are not aware of your traditions and rules so please let us know whatever you want and if we are forgetting anything, please tell us.

But they DID NOT tell my parents a word!!

When my MIL told me once about it, I said, aap se meri mom ne pehle poocha tha tab aap ne kyu nahi kaha? Ab kyu??

And she replies... Humare yahan maanga nahi jaata!!

Maanga nahi jaata my foot!!! If you are not asking for it... then why do you complain about it???!!!! :@ :@ :@

Moreover, my parents also gave me a plot in Karachi which they never considered. They gave me each and every single household item... all the cutlery all the kitchenware... clothes... bed sheet sets.... gold jewelry.. artificial jewelry... what not!!!

My mom gave my MIL & SIL a so very beautiful gold set each. My FIL & 3 younger BILS were given branded and super expensive watches (apart from the clothes for them and their whole khandaan)

But she did not refrain from poointing out a bed room set!!

If you are really lucky... then they wouldn't care... but if not... then you gotta be prepared for what all crap you may have to hear!!!

Timepass - March 2014
8

Re: how important is jahez?

***Fact is no matter how much jaheiz is given it will never be ENOUGH !

Some people's greediness knows no bounds !***

when you're in love
9

Re: how important is jahez?

I think it should never be “expected.” However, if parents like to give their daughters gifts to start their new lives/homes, why not. But personally, I think I’d like to give my girls something of value such as a fixed deposit/bank account/ house downpayment o if I’m really well off, a home (:hmmm:) or such, instead of a bunch of unnecessary stuff that will be thrown away the next season. If I had a son, I’d probably give him his own place as well so he and my bahu can start a new life together.

10

Totally agree with you! My parents wanted to give me just cash transferred to my account apart from the gold & plot. But some of the family friends with a similar background as my in laws… suggested they wont like it and it will all be a mess…

My parents did not take a penny from my bhabi’s family. My mom clearly told her mom that we want nothing and have no demands. If you want to give your daughter anything, you can go ahead. But we dont want anything except our bahu.

And that is the way it should be. If in laws want something, it is better to talk it out n ask for it straight forward rather than nag about it after the marriage.

If they don’t want anything, they should mention it clearly and VERY clearly.

I know of some people who did not even want the girl’s parents to give anything to the girl also. Though I find that weird. I am sure all parents want to give their daughters loadz of stuff. They should have the right to choose to give to their daughter whatever they want.

Anyway, it is better such issues are discussed VERY openly between both the families in advance.

Timepass - March 2014
11

Re: how important is jahez?

^^ Should never be expected. But what if it is expected rather told blatantly on your face? In that case parents have no choice but to give everything to their daughter thats demanded.

One of my sisters has got married within family. And we were not expecting that they will ask for anything but those be-sharam asked for each and everything. Even at the end when the room was decorated and stuffed with all kind of furniture, n my sis was brought to the room on Barat day, she asked for tissue paper and the SIL said, tissue box tou tum logon ne rakhwaya nahin room mein :smack: ( and this SIL is a doctor)

Besides my father had given her a piece of land in a very good location and good city i.e. price wise really good. Still her in laws expected us to give her home furniture and gold and blah blah blah. We definitely planned to give her gold but didnt expect any figure from in laws side that it should be XXX amount of gold.

Also the furniture they asked for , they told us the shops from where we should buy it. Also they suggested , that they will buy the furniture of their choice and send the bill to us. We were not in favor of leaving it on their choice as they would go to the top shop to buy the most expensive furniture. But my father accepted their suggestion :smack:

We didnt give her much of kitchen wares. Just the basic ones. After marriage, my sis was in kitchen to get something for the guests i.e. tea / drinks etc and she asked her SIL where are the trays? SIL said, Tray chahiye thi tou lay kar aani thi na saath. :smack:

And to tell you her in laws are not poor, but actully really rich. I remember once I were in their home, sitting on breakfast table, doing breakfast alone, suddenly I noticed there were so many tea-sets in the showcase that was just infront of me. I started counting them, u wont believe there were 20plus tea-sets just in that one show case :hayaa: They have got big house, cars, nokar chakkar, all kids r professionals, docs n engrs still soooooooooooooo greedy. …Yuck

PS: the best part, my sis is not living with them as she was not supposed to. She n her hubby were to move to other country where my BIL was working. So she is not even using all that jehaiz but her inlaws r using that for theirselves… :hinna:

12

Re: how important is jahez?

It's such a shame and unfortunately it is very common even now.

It's easy to say that parents of girls should stand up against jahez and all that and some do, but the pressures of marrying off their girls is so heavy in our culture that they end up spending their life savings in weddings hoping that their girls would be happy. Somehow the focus needs to shift...girls need to be educated and parents shouldn't be afraid. :(

13

Re: how important is jahez?

^ True. Gals should help their parents financially. thats all I can say. A parents who has 5-6 daughters to marry and father is on the verge of retirement age, it becomes really difficult for them to carry all the burden on their shoulders all alone.

Gals should show some responsibility n maturity. I really wonder how gals spend soooo much just on their wedding dresses specially when the father is paying for everything. The dresses that you wont even wear often :hinna:

14

Re: how important is jahez?

When I got married, my in laws and husband told my family that they don't want any jaheiz. My mother was adamant on giving something, but gradually she realized that it wasn't practical, as we won't even be living there. Mercifully, common sense prevailed and they refrained from giving me any household stuff. But Alhamdullilah, my in laws have never nagged me or taunted me about not bringing anything with me. In fact, when we were going to live in Karachi for a few months,my mother in law gave me all that we could need. And my sister in law went to the trouble of packing small household items, even cutlery and crockery.(All of that from my susraal, since I didn't have anything in jaheiz).

I think it's very odd and funny how some guys would huff and puff at the idea of becoming a ghar damaad, as it's an insult to their ghairat. But they would take all the jahaiz, money and everything from the inlaws. And in most cases expect/demand it. What a shame.

Islamically, it's a husband's duty to provide a home and all necesseties for his wife. I like how Emiratis have it. They buy houses and every household items for their wives, and also give her money to buy personal stuff like clothes and jewellery. BEcause it's not the father or parent's job to provide all of that to their daughter, it's the husband's duty. So bring bari into equation is not really fair. If you are giving anything to your wife, it's not ehsaan, it's her right and your duty.

15

Re: how important is jahez?

Isnt Jahez a gift from the parents to their daughter? if that is the case i dont understand why do ppl expect that lekin chalo khair i will only talk about myself, to answer your question NO it is not important to me at all, personally i want my wife to be to come in shaadi ka jora and nothing else and it is my responsibility to take care of the rest, when i say QABOOL hai during nikah, to me that means as of rite now the girls needs and wants are my responsibilities from now on and no one else ( i can afford it or not is a totally different topic) .... :d

16

Re: how important is jahez?

***My parents gave my sisters everything imaginable for their jahaiz......complete household furniture including bedroom set , sofa set , dining set , carpets , curtains , cutlery , dinner sets ,tea sets ,bedlinens quilts , kitchenware not only cutlery ,pots ,pans but even food processors etc. In all the hustle bustle of a marriage they forgot to give a centre table .........My sister tells me she still gets reminded about that from her in-laws even after she has had 3 children............

Bottom line is whatever you give , its never gonna be enough !

.........People who will accept jahaiz will continue to expect it and always look for the one thing you forgot to give......Its a sick desi mentality and as long as the guy's side expects it the girl's side has no choice but to give or let their daughter be the target of such taunts.........

Timepass - March 2014
17

Re: how important is jahez?

^ Sach I dont understand, inhain chotee chotee cheezain maangtay hooway and yaad dillatay hooway sharam bhi nahin aathi. Like in my sis case the tissue papper box and trays :bummer:

Timepass - March 2014
18

Re: how important is jahez?

I have a friend whose family gave her the couples’ home as her jahez. :hehe: I love that. If he screws up, she can kick him out, as the house is in her name and in her father’s name.

That poor boy doesn’t step a toe out of line. He follows her around like a devoted puppy.

19

Re: how important is jahez?

jahez is about as important as a rusty bended spoon, those who ask for it are probably those who you want to stay away from.

20

Re: how important is jahez?

^ Yeah, definitely a red flag.

And I agree with falcon: What happened to male macho-ism with Pakistanis? On one hand, we have people who are like "Well, I dont want my wife to work, why does she need to?", and then we have his parents asking about for Jahez? So...I thought in Pakistani culture the husband is financially responsible...so doesn't the concept of Jahez just contradict that?