Somebody from your own culture?
What if the person is of the same religion but does not share the same cultural influence that you have grown up with?
What if you both have different mother tongues?
How will these things impact the marriage?
How will these things impact the offspring?
And finally, are the circumstances changed and can one expect the results to vary for females as compared to males?
Many yawns.
In general you'll find that the more you have in common the more affinity you'll have for each other. Sharing the same cultural influences and associated problems will certainly help in understanding each other.
If you are religious then marrying someone from the same religion but differing cultures is fine because you both share a common faith which should help bind your relationship. This only applies to couples who are committed to their faith.
I think it is important that your first language does not differ, it doesn't matter if your mother tongue differs.
On the whole I think the very institution of marriage is becoming obsolete and existing marriages under pressure. Society seems to be going through a stage where relationships in general do not endure long enough to consider marriage and children.
Farouq Taj.
I think it is very important to marry from your own culture. Granted at the time of marriage, many ppl do not believe that their culture will have any impact on their marriage but I believe that it will. It starts from the begnining on how to conduct the marriage ceremony...should it be your traditional way or the other person's??
Although, if both ppl are not very culturaly inclined then it prolly doesnt matter. If you dont know the other language then obviously the children will not be impacted b/c they will speak english (I am assuming they are living in America).
If both are Muslim and one is more religous than the other (particularly the husband) then this could be a problem. Even though, one should be more religous but it can be a problem in raising the children.
I personally want to marry someone from my own culture (american-pakistani) and be sunni and hopefully the same amount religous as I am.
Preferably from your own culture.
Its better if they have similar shared religuous and cultural values.
Better to have a similar language.
Well marriage is about compromise, the more
things in similar - the less compromising one needs to do. Consequently a better level of understanding between the couple. It all depends on how committed the couplw are to the marriage and to one another. Marraige is not a rite of passage, - it is probably the most important decision of our lives- so we need to really think it over. Becuase in the end it is probably THE MOST relationship in your life, parents pass away, siblings drift away, children grow up and move out, it is the spouse that sustains and nurtures what is essential in your entire life.
My observations: ( pitfalls to avoid).
Men
Women:
I wanna a tall hunk - Pierce Brosnan
( Every body was looking for a tall
guy - There were only 3 guys 6ft
and above at ISNA at mat)
I want money - ie an MD
( at ISNA almost 98% of the women
preferred a physician/Lawyer/Engineer
in that order respectively
Since I was doing the mat paperwork
volunteers have their privileges :)).
I wanna be in control.
I wanna impress my friends
My observations, Traditionally, Pakistani
men are nuts. I want this and I want that an I want yada yada yada - too many demands of desi men in Pakistan. In contrast ABCD girls,
raised in the relative comfort and security in the US have demands, I wanna this I wanna that yadi yadi yada.. - The sad part is that marriage will not address personal inadaquecies.
It is the maturity that counts......
A pre-req for posting on this thread is that one should be married.
Too much what-if analysis will paralyze your decision making/judgement and you will find yourself, at the age of 60, still trying to find someone to marry.
Later
Zman
Wondering...Zman.
Somebody from your own culture?
*** What're we talking about here... Hindu Culture?
What if the person is of the same religion but does not share the same cultural influence that you have grown up with?
*** Result is incompatibility
What if you both have different mother tongues?
*** Jazboo(n) ki zaba(n) nahi hoti.
How will these things impact the marriage?
*** Could ruin your lives
How will these things impact the offspring?
*** Could ruin your clildren's lives
are the circumstances changed and can one expect the results to vary for females as
compared to males?
*** Not exactly sure what u mean.
so long...
To me there are two major factors
1- The different two individuals are ,the more is the color they can bring in each others lives.
2- The different two individuals are,the more is the work that needs to go into relationship.
It has to be a balance between these two factors.idealy one should be with someone very different ,who can show you life from an angle that you will never visit yourself.But of course it needs ,you to be aware of your own capacity and willingness to adapt.
Much more Complex is knowing yourself in that respect.
Muzna ji,
Salaams. Took me a while to find this forum!! Frankly, marriage itself, just the constant living together of two people, has its own strains. Something that even siblings experience and this is someone who is from a different house-hold than yourself, no matter how in love you guys are. On top of that, if there are cultural, religious and language differences - in my opinion, not saying it will not work out, but it will definitely cause added strain. In fact, sometimes, even people from your own culture, religion etc. can be so far apart from ones way of thinking that you will feel totally isolated emotionally. So, the less differences there are facially, the more it will be easier to bridge the gaps and smooth out the wrinkles that are inevitable. The way I look at it, if marriages became perfect then this would be utopia/jannat and we all know that is not so.
Children? My God, I don't know how I would raise children with someone who shares a different religion and or cultural background because I think there will be a constant tug of war between the spouses as to whose culture/religion will dominate. Again, may be there can be compromises but won't be a easy path, I think.
sir khast say phorda hay, naazuk tha magar kia
Ham naamay khaamyabay talismay ziyaa(n) kiyay.
Marry a person from a different culture, race or a different language can be chilling in the beginning but then
Wohee kuchh chaal be-dhangee jo pehlay thee so abhee hay.
It might work out ... but why do you want to take a risk of your life? I might ... magar sachee baat hay ... I wont .. himmat nahee hotee.
Hi Muzna !
A quote from a news item,good for the lawyer to comment about .
"A couple compromised and compiled a whole set of duties and responsibilities from coupling to child rearing to careear development and the document comprised of 362 pages elaborating everything to do with the marriage ".
It was given the fom of a legal document and we may summate it as an extension of contract that the marriage is .
How many of us will take the pain of just thinking about it lest work on it ,the question of culture and religion is the next one.
Cross cultural marriage is the phenomenon of the day it is a thorugly discussed topic and there are archives wriiten on it But the question is of personal choice and compatiability ,"
Arey Archerji,
Just remember if fortunately or unfortunately, depends where one stands, if it happens to be California - it is community property!! Yaani kay, document or not, contract or not, saari zindagi ki kamayi ab adhi adhi!!
Frankly, I agree with your personal choice and compatibility but bottom line I think is KISMAT - which means back to religion. Lawyering sirf surface ki problems ka hal kar sak ti hay, deep down results are coined by uppar wala. Lekin pre-nup contract kay liye Nur's law firm kohi contact ki jiye ga!!
Assalam alaikum
It doesn't matter how diverse the cultures are as long as there is a dominant common interest (religion works best) between the couple it should be a successful marriage.
Also the rights of the wife and the rights of the husband should be clearly defined at the time of marriage and agreed upon by both.
These rights cannot come from the husband or wife because then they will contain an element of bias instead they should come from the common interest.
Assalam alaikum
In my informal poll, I found that that the most successfull marriages wer those in which people really cared for the other party. Marriage is not about me, my rights or I, it is about we, us and ours, the mature couples figure that out right away, and despite lifes ups & downs have that one common bond, the immature ones, try to play control games with one another. Marriage is inherently circumstantial, - pre-arranged rules and regulations rarely work. As a friend of mine once advised me love you spouse 100% and expect only 50% in return, - and if your spouse is a caring giving individual you'll be suprised what a magical thing marriage is.
most marital problems have to do with three things -Money, family and attitude,
Loose the attitude before marraige, Make the spouse numer-uno in your list of priorties ( and if you do that - you'll see that he/she will care about you & your family)- and money, spend wisely.
The problem I have faced in pre-marital discourses is that bothg parties become inherently suspicious & guarded, and eventually develop the negotiation strategy, I'll do this if you do this,- that is the beginning of a long & miserable life. Instead I believe, one should form a very short list of things, which one is inflexible or uncompromising ( I meant a SHORT LIST) and then compromise on everthing else.
Of course it's your luck - if you find a nice & caring person. Damn I am still having problems :)
Jack. . . .
You've made several good points. The only place that I would differ is where you state that marriage is not about "I" or "me", it's about "us" or "we".
My take is a little bit different. And recently I have started to wonder if perhaps my approach is actually right or not. I believe that a marital relationship is not about what I can get or we can get out of it, rather what I can give.
You see, my primary belief is that one cannot love another if one does not love oneself. This means that the moment we approach another individual as a potential mate, we need to be thinking in terms of what we can offer to them. What we can do to enhance the quality of their life. And, in a perfect world (i.e. my dream world) the other person would take the same "selfless" approach and we'd both end up getting what we want.
The attitude that I have explained above also dictates that you make the spouse numero uno in your list of priorities. Unfortunately the reciprocity treaty does not always get enforced.
And this is where the problem begins. Even before marriage. Once bitten, twice shy rule comes into play. You are absolutely right -- the guard goes up and a wall of suspicion starts to form. Compromises are not offered but "traded" --" I'll give up this if you give up that" type of thing happens.
I don't think I am alone when I say that I would love to find somebody that I can rely on totally to look after me and my needs while I take on the responsibility of caring for him. Whether I believe him when he makes this claim is another story altogether. . . .
there are some very interesting points here.. as a newlywed...i found numerous advises here which i already practice and some new ones which i should look into.. but one thng is for sure... you have to express your feelings...i.e. your love for your spouse.... it strenghtens your marriage...
and to all the singles out there....marry someone you can relate to...it makes your life so much happier..!!! LOVE RULES..!!
I like this topic and wanted to reply so it's back up. :)
Muzna it is only as important as your culture is to you….
I would say that for western raised dessi it may not make that much of a difference marring a western Arab or Persian….because the American culture would be similar but ethnic background different. They would most likely they would speak in English, living in America eating a variety of foods. I don’t see this as being much different then abcds returning to pak to marry Pakistanis as far as adjustments go.
In addition what about marring dessi from various areas of india and pakistan…I’ve met dessi from southern India who speak a totally different language and don’t understand urdu at all……no shared dessi movies, songs but the culture was similar.
I don’t want it…I’ve spent enough time trying to keep my dessi culture, dessi language I’d rather marry someone who would help support that and add to my knowledge….not just allow me to share in my culture. Not the multicultural politically correct attitude but heah.
As far as children…I don’t think it will ruin them. As future parents (god willing) of western raised kids we must accept that they to may choose to assimilate and adjust to the society here…we can’t force feed a culture to them that they do not live in. However, we can justify an alliance to religion and use religion to defend decision to avoid many unfavorable American practices.
But ghalib I think you said it the best….find someone you can relate to….so if you find more similarities then differences it doesn’t matter.
Muzna….
That trust issue again……that is the most difficult part.
I think it would be fundamentally wrong to say marry in your own culture as much as it would be to say marry out of love. I think there are varying groups of people for whom one of the above saying would bear a better start than the other, and vice versa.
People who put cultural similiarities on a higher priority will feel more comfortable marrying within their culture. And that would seem to be more suitable for them. Other people, however, would want to base their marriage on love and passion than anything else. Specially if such people already have culturized to some extent to a culture different than their native one.
Now that's for starters. How does it ususally go after the actual marriage would be something that the married people would have more aunthenticity and insight on.
Whoa... very diverse opinions here..but that is good. I just had two questions. How many of the people here are married, and also if you or someone you know is married to someone from a different background.
No offense intended, I am just trying to see how personal knowledge affects people's views compared to people who have not been exposed to it firsthand or have not had a chance to observe such marriages closely.