How important is financial security?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

When looking for a girl’s proposal, assuming the families’ financial situation is similar, what is the preference in general?

  1. Do people look at the guy’s salary in relation to his family and how many people he has to support?

  2. Do they consider if the girl earns an income and if so, do they want someone earning equal or higher than the girl?

I guess I am wondering because I personally would like someone whose income is in the ballpark area of what I make…someone whose future career prospects are promising (similar to my own … so as we both gain more experience, there will not be a huge gap in our earnings). I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to decline a proposal who makes “considerably” less income than I do (and who happens to be a few years older).

I am not superficial and I’m not going after people in the highest paying professions. My preference is just so that the guy would not be insecure in the future…also, I would like a somewhat comfortable life…and being a girl, if I have to take a career break in future, the guy can still support the family on his own without there being a sudden significant change in lifestyle.

HOWEVER, the problem I am having is, all these desi aunties who consider it their birth right to meddle in others’ affairs keep trying to brainwash my parents that your daughters make enough on their own so don’t give too much importance to the guy’s education or income. So, basically for their own daughters who are not very educated, they are searching for someone with a handsome salary. But for me, they are suggesting to lower our expectations because I earn myself. Is that not unfair that just because the girl is working, she shouldn’t expect financial security from the guy too?

Ps: I wouldn’t worry what others are saying, except it’s starting to influence my parents’ thinking. As a result, my family is having more arguments on this subject due to everyone prioritizing differently.

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Re: How important is financial security?

Why are your parents getting influenced by random people and not taking what your (their daughter) preferences are?

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Re: How important is financial security?

I have lived through this scenario and the truth is - girls get judged for wanting a guy who makes the same or more as her, despite the fact that there are a lot of guys with fragile egos when it comes to wife out-earning them. I too had the same rationale as you - he needs to be able to support the family on his income because my income might not be a constant.

Now, my expectation (well actually, I'm past the time of having expectations) is that he make 2/3rds or more, of what I make and can with his salary-alone support the household on his sole income - so I still think the same way, but I'm not looking for a guy to make as much as I do. And btw, my income is pretty average - nothing extraordinary by any stretch of the imagination.

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Re: How important is financial security?

if you like the guy, the issue of income should NOT be a deciding factor. what one should look for is that the guy has a good education [from where he is living, a foreign degree holder takes a long time to settle in life] and he is capable of securing a good job.

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Re: How important is financial security?

I know Pakistani women married to Pakistan men who make way more than their husbands, and they are doing fine. It just depends from person to person, if this is something that matters to you, then look for a partner who can offer you that. You have to live with him, not the aunties and not your family.

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Re: How important is financial security?

From what I understand, the OP is talking about arranged marriage and that doesn't really involve liking (or not liking) the guy as such.

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Re: How important is financial security?

As a guy, my potential rishta's earning potential is of the utmost importance. If she can't support our family, complete all the household chores, and have perfectly made rotis ready by dinner time, there is very little chance we would get along together. I mean, how else is one supposed to fulfill one's lifelong dream of playing video games and watching TV all day?"

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Re: How important is financial security?

In all seriousness, I think that's reasonable. I wish more women did that because most marriages have problems when the wife significantly out earns the husband. Men can end up resenting their wives for making more money, while women can end up resenting their husbands for not making enough money to allow her to take time off.

Love and all the crap is just fine, but along with other non-sexy factors like whether or not you want kids, the type of lifestyle you imagine, which includes finances, should be considered.

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Re: How important is financial security?

This statement should be printed out multiple times and plastered all over the house of every Desi family!!!!!!!

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Re: How important is financial security?

My parents wanted to be assured that the person I end up marrying should be financially very well settled. But as they went ahead with the rishtas and all, they realized that all those guys who are well settled were always almost 8-10 years older than me and their families had such arrogant requirements. Their mums were so proud of what their sons have achieved and were seeking perfection. I am a pretty career oriented person but their mums wanted typical staying home bahus who will now focus on making families. Above all this, my mind clearly didn't match. Many of them were so serious and uncle ish type lol.

In the end, my parents decided that considering I want to work nearly always(of course except for situations like a kid is born etc), a guy who is starting his career and is much more suitable for me would be a better match. Yeah in the start we will both be working hard but that's okay. I always wanted to move abroad so that was a plus too. Now I believe it doesn't matter if the guy earns more or less. All you need to look for is good education. People don't always start with amazing salaries but they do progress towards a better future if they are hard working and educated. Our ages match, our interests match. I know for sure that what ever comes our way, it will be fun and I will be happy to make our future together. As long as I have a say in the marriage and there is understanding, I believe rest doesn't matter unless things get really bad. Sufficient is good and I thank Allah for it. I didn't use to think this way but these rishta people really opened my eyes.

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Re: How important is financial security?

Madz,

Finances are openly talked about in the desi community but truth be told, a man's financial potential matters in all cultures and social strata are taken into account when a woman is considering him just as he takes into account her beauty. Numerous psychology books and articles/studies indicate that Men look at a woman's beauty (i.e. Her capability to procreate) and women look at a man's ability to provide for the family.

And I agree with you. It matters. Historically, culturally, and religiously, a man is/ has been responsible to provide for the family. I think that if there isn't a balance you give opportunity for resentment to creep in. We're not saints, so why place ourselves in situations that can not only cause emotional havoc but make us act in ways we may regret in the future?

Money & Mother-in-Laws are 2 of the top reasons for contention in a marriage. So it is important that the girl & guy are in the same ball park unless it doesn't matter for both parties and there are other things involved that bring the marriage in balance.

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Re: How important is financial security?

Education is paramount. A guy's education indicates his ability to be social, interact with others and his degree or liberal or conservative values and if they mesh with your own. Never ever underestimate education. Actually it should have more value in our arranged marriage system than religion, family wealth or political clout. Education is a very important aspect of Tarbeyaat and you can not place a price on it. So stand your ground on your education.

And more importantly you should never lower your expectations, because only you will suffer in the end. So why even consider the possibility. When you get married, you are the one who is going to live you life and have to deal with the consequences. So stick to your guns. Don't settle ever.

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Re: How important is financial security?

I humbly beg to differ on this point that education indicates his ability to be social....it's not really education but innate personality, life experiences, & family culture that really make him who he is. Someone's PhD or MD or JD doesn't contribute to their EQ (emotional intelligence) or social abilities.

Madz,
I know where you are coming from. The people who cared so lovingly for you from the beginning are being influenced by others that it feels that they may be throwing you in a fire pit. Have faith. First off, you & your family need to be on the same side. You may want to talk to bring them back to their values. Imam Magid (ISNA President) is trying to make marriages in North America be based on firm principles. He has come up with a list of questions that any 2 people considering marriage should discuss. Every person looking should go through this list and figure out where they stand and what they want in their future spouse.

I'd be happy to share these 100 questions list with you if you'd like.

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Re: How important is financial security?

I respectfully disagree. I think it’s a myth that our culture falls into now that more educated = better person. Don’t get me wrong, I believe education is important, but that it solely responsible to make someone a better, all around person? No.

Just look at this guy:

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/599274-dr-douchebag.html

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Re: How important is financial security?

Madz. Why should you lower your expectation? You worked hard for where you're and if someone or anyone is not up to your earning potential. I have seen many cases where and if a guy earned less than his wife...there have been many conflicts in their relationship. Now, i've also know of a case where he didn't earn more than his wife but he is very happy with this marriage. His was love marriage so it is understandable. However, in arrange marriages..financial security does matter. And perhaps, your parents are probably saying that because they are worried. In any case, let your parents know that..Insha'Allah you will get married once you find suitable pal.

I completely agree!. Someone's education level doesn't determine if they are well versed in social situations or even interactions. I would like to add that...people should be judged according to their character and intention. And here i am talking about whether the person is mature in his approach of his life. I.e, has his priorities right.

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Re: How important is financial security?

I beg to differ but I think that someone not earning as well as you doesn't really mean that they don't offer any financial security. Don't you think there are times when people do need to compromise especially when it comes to accepting proposals? Of course I would never suggest a girl to go for someone who isn't properly educated or doesn't appear to have had a good up bringing but, there can be many suitable matches for you even if they aren't at a better place than you in life. After all marriage is all about making it work together. I have had so many friends who kept waiting for better matches and in the end were rushed into marriage as their parents started freaking out. Life doesn't offer us too many chances. We need to accept a lot of things and yet always struggle hard, hoping for the best. I don't have any idea of the proposals Madz is getting but my sincere advice would be to really see if she thinks that a person has the caliber to progress in life and keep her happy. Education is the basic ground to judge this on. Getting to know a bit more helps us make the final decision.

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Re: How important is financial security?

Madz - just wanted to share my personal experience with you.

Before I got married, I knew I wanted a guy who would match me in salary and education. As in, not that we would be exactly the same but that we had similar thinking and goals in life in terms of education and income. My preference was always for someone I thought was going to be smart, worked hard at both school and his job and saw these as important. I had a 'love marriage' though, as I did not fancy going through the 'arranged' route. When I met my (now) huband he was still in school and I did not have a clear idea of his earning potential in the future. But I found the exact personailty traits in him that I always wanted in a spouse. Mashallah now he makes more than double my salary (I make an average salary) and has great future prospects.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's important what values and goals with relation to education and income your potential spouse (candidate) has and if these are up to your expectations. I don't think the hard $ value of his income is as important. Someone with a good / great education who has a good work ethic and is honest and trustworthy is bound to make money in the long run.

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Re: How important is financial security?

Don't know why...but i think i actually agree with you. For instance, if you see a potential in someone it works out. And there is a case in my own family..that she married to a guy who was not earning much. But Allah has given them so much barakah in their marriage. So good one.

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Re: How important is financial security?

MashAllah Summerbr, may Allah keep you happy always!

Xtron, aww that indeed was a good example. I guess in the end it's all about how happy you are. Financial security etc are just things which freak out a person in the start. We need to make timely sensible decisions and just not keeping waiting for the better. Thats my belief :)

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Re: How important is financial security?

Aww Aishah, yeah that does happen sometimes when there is too much of an age gap. I am not considering anyone more than 7 years older than me. And I don’t need the guy to be well-settled and steady in his career. But given his age and the opportunities he had, if I get the feeling that he is a bum or doesn’t have a good study/work ethic, that’s a turnoff for me. For example, a 33 year-old who came to North America in high school…at 33, if he is still at the bottom ladder of his chosen field and due to his own actions (not some act of God like a medical problem or accident), that to me doesn’t seem very promising…even if he is a great guy otherwise!

Completely agree!

Sure, please PM me. Thank you! =)

hehe, well said!

You’re right, Summer. And I don’t have a hard $ value in mind. Desi people tu waise bhi jhoot bohut bolte hain. Hota kuch hai, aur bataate barh charh ke kuch aur hi hain. Can’t take their word for it. What I meant was exactly as you described… he has to have potential to do the same or better. And if he is indeed 1-7 years older than me (I’m 26), considering what stage of my career I’m at, I expect him to be at more or less the same level or higher in his field… unless there were some genuine extenuating circumstances that hindered his progress somewhere along the way.