Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your input.
Rishta-hunting is a frustrating process to say the least. Initially when my parents started looking, it was their preference to find "khoob se khoob-tar"... well, masters or equivalent at a minimum. They wouldn't even consider anyone who was less educated. So I reasoned with them that having paper degrees is one thing, but it doesn't guarantee that the person is necessarily good by nature.
What's more important in life is the person's values, upbringing, ambition, character, family, etc. So at that time, we considered a few families with that criteria in mind. But we got burned either way. What we learned the hard way was that even among people who are not as qualified, per se, there are those people with some very questionable morals and motives.
So at the present I have decided to stick to my original theory ... ager bure log har jagah paaye jaate hain, then might as well narrow the search to the ones who meet the bare minimum criteria first and then judge them for how they really are.
I would reconsider my approach if I were to meet/find someone otherwise perfect for me. But if he has major flaws anyway plus an unestablished career, then that's a no-no.
What are your qualifications Madz if you don't mind me asking? I just love to know about careers :D
Wesay Madz I know someone very close to me. She is a citizen too and went for arrange marriage. The guy had a okish career here and had planned to study ahead when he goes abroad. That is a good approach too. She has totally fallen in love with him and there is such good understanding between them now. Yeah the past year has been a bit hard and the coming one or two might also be, but I can totally see them both working really hard and happily to make a life together. Similarly you have an added bonus (citizenship) which can really help in establishing a person financially. Pakistani girls don't have this.
Aww Aishah, yeah that does happen sometimes when there is too much of an age gap. I am not considering anyone more than 7 years older than me. And I don't need the guy to be well-settled and steady in his career. But given his age and the opportunities he had, if I get the feeling that he is a bum or doesn't have a good study/work ethic, that's a turnoff for me. For example, a 33 year-old who came to North America in high school...at 33, if he is still at the bottom ladder of his chosen field and due to his own actions (not some act of God like a medical problem or accident), that to me doesn't seem very promising...even if he is a great guy otherwise!
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Of course you made the right decision here! I am talking about someone who is 26-27 and needs time to make a better career and progress. Also they should have some background at least. Can't start from scratch. You are looking at it the right way
The notion of education being the basis of a social individual and that an educated individual can be possibly considered a "better individual", is that going to a higher education institution forces you to confront people of differing view points, differing ideas and notions of life and a leads in turn to greater ability to relate to the plight of others. A multicultural environment will do the same but we all know of enclaves of Pakistanis in the UK and other societies where they don't interact with other members of the host society.
Also I did not say that education is solely responsible for the evolution of an individual to a better person. I said it was an important contributing factor. There is an extremely high correlation between a higher education degree and economic prosperity and at the same time there is an extremely strong correlation between a education and an individual holding more liberal view points on women empowerment, gender equality and societal issues.
Financial security does matter BUT this might not be first thing you look at. My husband to be didn't have a job when we first met but he is great person and very responsible. He took care of his parents and siblings. And mashalah he has gotten the job couple of months ago. And got promoted at his job out of the blue ever since our bat was pakkee. Adding more, i earn more than him. Our is arrange+love marriage. My parents in the begining were skeptical about this rishta but everything fell into right place. What matters to me most was not his finance but his sensiblity and character.
You know i am not Muslim but Prophet Muhammed did say that look for character and deen when choosing a partner.
Its reasonable to look for financial and career security but do not miss out on good prospects too. Someone who you think might not be at the level you want him to be but has bright chances to reach there.
Only you can tell what is the level of career and/or salary that can make you feel secure. All these aunties will be be found no where God forbid you need them to help you financially.
A lot of parents want their daughters in particular to have financial security esp if their said child wants a 'aapni pasand ki shaadi'. I personally feel that if a guy is say studying or working towards a career in which he can afford to provide a lifestyle you see fit for yourself to live in then there shouldn't a problem.
I also see nothing wrong with the idea of a woman wanting to marry someone who earns as much as them. I didn't do that and lived to regret in on a weekly basis.
Go with what feels right. Aunties love meddling don't they? But when the crap hits the fan non are around to help out. Stick them in a ditch where there's no water that's what I say.
The million dollar question! (no pun intended). I don't think you can determine whether you want to marry someone based purely on their curreny salary. This can come and go
and change with time. As someone pointed out, a guy currently earning double what
you do is probably going to be a lot older than you too- there then becomes the issue of no common interests, inability to understand one another etc. When my parents initially began the rishta search our whole family was of the view that he must be earning a lot more than me. Then reality hit, namely, that all such guys and I had nothing in common. The search continued. For 2-3 years. 2-3 years later, i am Allhamdullilah happily engaged to a doctor (who is now becoming a surgeon, hes 27. I just turned 25). I am a lawyer. But the match was not based on his income. It was based on high levels of education on both ends, and the fact that yes I will continue to work but a few years down the track I can comfortably quit work , have kids etc and he can manage the household financially (inshallah). This is a very vital consideration- remember at some stage u will need time out for the kids and u want to know he has the education and ability and potential to earn (not just what he is currently earning). So do not let your parents be swayed by others! At the end of the day it's YOU who is going to marry the guy. I know rishta searching is a very long process but its better to wait for the right guy u r happy with.
p.s.: this was all said from an arranged perspective.
I think education is more important per se in this situation than someone making more money. When I met my husband my income was more than his but it was because he was going to school to get his master's degree in engineering. Today my income is 1/4 of his income but it's because I have stepped down and work part time (being a mom and housewife). I agree that it's important to make sure that financally you are secure as when you take career break he is able to keep it going for a while. I don't agree however that this should be the only criteria for seeking a good proposal. I think your parents should ignore what others have to say but you should also keep your options open and experience everything yourself.
Madz
i completely agree with you. looking for someone who can provide you with the decent lifestyle and can also fulfill his financial obligations to his parents,siblings with his own income is not unreasonable or is not asking too much.
also someone in his 30's and is still at entry level job does not sound that he has the right potential. the criteria of relating how much someone is earning with his age is pretty okay.
however, the question whether a guy should be earning more than you do or at least equal to is subjective. like if you are earning X amount of money and the guy Y amount of money( which is lesser than what you are earning) but if you see that the kind of lifestyle you need can be achieved with his Y amount of money then i think you can consider it. (provided all other important factors to be considered for marriage are met like his character,values,mindset etc).