How does it work?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: How does it work?

makd: Did you husband send them 20% of his salary BEFORE he got married? What is your husband's reaction to their expectation?

BTW, you 22 year old devar doesn't have a part-time job to help with his expenses? At 22, he's 100% dependant on you and your husband for support?

22

Re: How does it work?

I think he used to send all of his salary to them before marriage by keeping minimum amount for his own but they have definitely spent that on our wedding.

Husband says he would try to manage somehow:bummer:. Initially, for the last 4 5 months he was paying some episode of BC/ committee(if you know) tht was around 25% of his salary so he was using his very petite savings for paying them.

Devar does nothing and he has another yr of studies to go. He is living with us that means we hired a bigger house to accommodate him and bear all household expenses though FIL sends pocket money for his personal use.

23

Re: How does it work?

My FIL never ever worked in his whole life; He was reliant on rental income only. But when expenses increased, Their 3 Son started working, From the days my husband started working, He was given a responsibility to support and provide financial help at home. He worked day and night to support them in every case.

When he got married, He was given very little financial support from his parents, Mash Allah we both are settle here in Middle East. He has a really got job. We have been married from last 1 year now and I don’t remember any month when we haven’t sent money back home. My MIL expired 4 months back Still there is 30% of his salary which goes every month to his family where his 2 married brothers families and FIL enjoy. What actually disturbs me is lack of accountabilities; it’s not his duty to fulfill needs of his married bothers and children’s. I have never ever heard single appreciations from none of them. He sent money every 3 of each month. In case it gets delayed for 3 or 4 days. FIL Calls asking if he is sending money or not.

Since I am working too. My husband is taking care of entire house expenses including Rents, Bill, grocery, Car, Petrol, Etc. My salary is saved. He does not save anything. Whatever he does is spent them.

24

Re: How does it work?

My hubby gives his parents 20% of his income (paying into a weekly committe so that at the end of it my in laws will get a lump sum.) FIL has been working for many years now but both sons contribute. If it was up to my hubby he would give more but is limited due to the fact we are both working and saving hard to pay off as much of our mortgage as we can. He has a lot of love and a deep sense of responsibility to his family which is a quality I've always admired.

25

Re: How does it work?

In-laws don't ask for money. They are retired and lead a simple life. We don't know their financial details but they seem comfortable. Husband always offers and we try to figure out what they really need and buy it for them. They are really pleased by and appreciate of gifts. Also, husband puts aside money monthly for them in case they are ever in a situation where their savings and retirement money are not sufficient for their needs. We have learned from my parents (see below) that unexpected things can happen so want to be ready if they need us.

My only brother supports my parents (don't know exact percentage) since both parents have illnesses that prevented them from working at a fairly young age. The sisters try to help also, but brother and parents don't want us too. They are, however, extremely thrifty with any money received from any of their children and don't want to be a burden (we never make them feel like that). We try to buy them nice things but often they won't accept them. They tell us to save for our future and that they have already lived their lives.

26

Re: How does it work?

My husband also sends them 20% of his pay once a month. He sends extra on Eid and other special occasions. My FIL expects my husband to send money. I just stay out as husband started sending money to his dad way before we even got married.

Me and husband started saving for our retirement so that we never have to be dependent on anyone else, I don't ever want to ask my son for money.

27

Re: How does it work?

Paying for other siblings and their families is not right unless one is earning a huge amount. This is what I think.

28

Re: How does it work?

:k:

29

Re: How does it work?

I want things to be like this. That do safe monthly and whenever parents need it just go ahead and give it to them. And I love the idea of gifting things to parents which they need so that it doesnt feel awkward. I do gift them stuff. But I dont know what is in their mind :S

30

Re: How does it work?

We will try to save too inshAllah! Once I come out of this strange unwanted situation. :S

31

Re: How does it work?

makd: Since your husband is still finishing his studies AND given the fact that your devar is living with you (ie. you guys are obviously spending at least some money on him)..............would you husband be open to the idea of talking to his dad about modifying the arrangement? Maybe something like he can give 10% of his salary to his parents as long as your devar is living with you guys AND your husband is still studying. Once your husband is done with his studies/find a full-time better job, and your devar is out of the house....then you guys can pay his parents 20%?

His parents don't actually "need" the money for their living expenses....so would your husband be open to at least trying to negotiate the 20%?

32

Re: How does it work?

My point is same to make the % less. But then I know FIL /MIL would say Hamein kuch nahi chahiye!!!And then I can see it coming that he spends everything on his wife! We are having a child soon in sha Allah so expenses will be increasing anyhow.

I would love to buy things which would make their life easy as gifts and I did gifted my MIL branded lawn/ linen suits a few times.

I don’t get the point why do they want money. They are even having rent from their upper portion of house and we are paying our rent!!They cant see.
I think I may know what they are saving for; to send other two devars abroad for higher studies. :smack:

33

Re: How does it work?

What problem are you facing due to shortage of cash?

34

Re: How does it work?

My husand sends a fixed amount each month, eventhough he is the youngest brother out of 3 boys. If any emergencies arise, any weddings, eid, etc he sends extra.
I don't mind at all as it is because of his mom's good upbringing and attention to his education that he is able to earn a good living, knows to treat his wife with love and respect and provides for her needs. If his mom wanted she could have raised him to be an illiterate woman-abuser and then I would be in a different situation wouldn't I?

35

Re: How does it work?

If you FIL/MIL say those things...so what? You and your husband will know that those comments are lies....that's not good enough for you?

Have you told you husband your concerns? Is he open to the possiblity of trying to negotiate this % with his parents?

36

Re: How does it work?

What do you mean by 'even though' ?

And youare absolutely right... Dils owe their mils big time if they have caring and kind husbands.

37

Re: How does it work?

You know mother’s who raise their sons to abuse women on purpose? :confused:

P.S. Since you didn’t mention your husband’s dad at all…I assume that your MIL was either divorced or widowed and raised your hubby as a single mom. Kudos to her for doing such a good job! :k:

38

Re: How does it work?

Some moms can be real nasty, so her MIL does deserves some credit.

39

Re: How does it work?

I completely agree that some mother's can be quite nasty towards their own children. But I have just never heard of a mother who actually raised her son with the intention that he abuse women when he grows up as OP stated in her statement.

40

Re: How does it work?

^ What about mothers who treat their sons better than their daughters, indirectly sending the message that women are worthless.