Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Whatever makes you sleep better at night.
Ok.
If you have a logical answer to prove me wrong then give it.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
maybe her parents really did say no?
I doubt it, it's the classic excuse when us desis want to end it to blame parents not approving so don't have to take ownership of the decision. She should have fought for me more if any of her promises and commitments with me were true. There was nothing to disprove, her parents knew we were really into each other. And it would not have been so easy to just abruptly stop all communication with me. It was ultimately her decision to end it. A girl will never leave a guy unless she thinks she can find someone comparable if not better--terrible mindset
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
A girl will never leave a guy unless she thinks she can find someone comparable if not better--terrible mindset
Herein lies the problem. You're assuming an awful lot. I'm sorry your relationship ended and you got hurt. I understand your apprehension in trusting again, but the comments you're making sound awfully presumptuous, you keep deflecting the underlying issue that maybe there was something inherently about you that made her change her mind. Or yes, it could have been parental pressure to call it off. Even if she is just an evil wench with questionable morals, then chalk it up to bad experience that was never meant to be and move on, but stop assuming things and making sweeping generalizations about all women and what they will or will not do. Your situation was very case specific.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
@eclipsed we can't read one's mind even if we spend considerable time. In your case, you spent time and she left you for no good reason or God knows what was the reason. We can't judge anyone by talks, habits, appearance even knowing her nature but to some extent by decisions taken by him/her. It's not a job interview or aptitude test.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Herein lies the problem. You're assuming an awful lot. I'm sorry your relationship ended and you got hurt. I understand your apprehension in trusting again, but the comments your making sound awfully presumptuous, you keep deflecting the underlying issue that maybe there was something inherently about you that made her change her mind. Or yes, it could have been parental pressure to call it off. Even if she is just an evil wench with questionable morals, then chalk it up to bad experience that was never meant to be and move on, but stop assuming things and making sweeping generalizations about all women and what they will or will not do. Your situation was very case specific.
Since i still dont know what actually happened since I never heard from her again didn't even get a proper apology, im going to play the odds which is why im making those generalizing comments because those things do in fact happen often. As mentioned I think the real reason she left me was because I gained some weight which I've subsequently lost and continue to lose--she likely lost attraction for me and there may have been another guy in picture so she ended up choosing the other guy (she did hint about both these things). Her loss, I'm going to get shredded within a few months. There was absolutely nothing else that changed or warranted ending it because I was really good to her.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
@eclipsed we can't read one's mind even if we spend considerable time. In your case, you spent time and she left you for no good reason or God knows what was the reason. We can't judge anyone by talks, habits, appearance even knowing her nature but to some extent by decisions taken by him/her. It's not a job interview or aptitude test.
Yeah I know that's why it's scary taking such a huge risk getting married. I'm asking for advice and what the best way to go about doing this since I don't want to marry the wrong person.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Both in person (we slept together overnight a few times) and online (texting and skype)..even had a honeymoon type of romantic weekend where we met up in a different city the week before she ended it
Arguments were the typical arguments nothing serious..like she would sometimes make plans with me and then ditch me last minute..first couple of times I ignored them but as relationship progressed we discussed it..no recent fight near the end, relationship ended on a high (at least I thought)..im never disrespectful and am very level headed so had a mature discussions about our concerns..guess I was correct in having that concern because she did end up me ditching me in the end also..oh well her loss, I just want to make sure I don't get decieved again for this next girl
That's all bro. A religious conservative girl has all that to give, get over her. :D You took all the goodies now set yourself a new game.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
That's all bro. A religious conservative girl has all that to give, get over her. :D You took all the goodies now set yourself a new game.
Haha true, im already over her, way too many girls out there, its harder to find good guys than it is decent girls so its her loss..I was being genuine with her and wanted to follow through on my commitment I made to her...for a man, his girls loyalty and committment is everything these days especially since girls these days aren't the women of prior generations that will put up with anything for their man, if can't even give the basics of a relationship absolutely no point in marrying such a girl (she once asked me if she would have to make me her priority after marriage while we were visiting her family bc she wouldn't want to go out of her way for me when she's with her family...wtf..who makes that type of comment..so ridiculous)..i dodged a huge bullet, in hindsight she had a lot of red flags..next fool is going to be decieved also..poor guy
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
If the weight gain was that much of an issue, wouldn't that have deterred her from becoming physically intimate with you for so long?
If both sets of parents lived in the same country, why did the meeting between parents not happen sooner?
Ur story sounds very similar to that of a former member's. Similar usage of words and manner of writing, only a few of the details are different. I wonder if you've posted here before in the past 6 months.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Nope you already PM'd me, I just joined last month..who knows truly why she did what she did, I still don't know, like I've said I'm over this girl, I came to seek advice for the next rishta..how do people go about trusting a person they barely know? Clearly one year wasn't enough..
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Haha true, im already over her, way too many girls out there, its harder to find good guys than it is decent girls so its her loss..I was being genuine with her and wanted to follow through on my commitment I made to her...for a man, his girls loyalty and committment is everything these days especially since girls these days aren't the women of prior generations that will put up with anything for their man, if can't even give the basics of a relationship absolutely no point in marrying such a girl (she once asked me if she would have to make me her priority after marriage while we were visiting her family bc she wouldn't want to go out of her way for me when she's with her family...wtf..who makes that type of comment..so ridiculous)..i dodged a huge bullet, in hindsight she had a lot of red flags..next fool is going to be decieved also..poor guy
Yes, you did dodge a huge bullet. If she couldn't even fight for you then thank your lucky stars and move on. It can give anyone trust issues but still keep your heart open. There are good, honest women out there. I see more of them than the deceitful ones so certainly depends on who you meet. You seem to attract the wrong kind. If you are who I think you are, stop looking at every woman with so much distrust. It will do you no good.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
sounds like you got used for sax. she took your pineapple, and now you have all these feelings and doubts. would she have left if you were good? or did she just never plan on anything serious? perhaps counseling is in order.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Nope you already PM'd me, I just joined last month..who knows truly why she did what she did, I still don't know, like I've said I'm over this girl, I came to seek advice for the next rishta..how do people go about trusting a person they barely know? Clearly one year wasn't enough..
I have trust issues too. Always did. It takes years to build trust in any relationship for me so I can certainly relate. Having had an experience like yours would keep me from trusting anyone ever again. You have to ask yourself, what's more important to you? Finding someone you could trust even if it takes ten years or take your chances and keep meeting women and maybe you will find the right one.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
I have trust issues too. Always did. It takes years to build trust in any relationship for me so I can certainly relate. Having had an experience like yours would keep me from trusting anyone ever again. You have to ask yourself, what's more important to you? Finding someone you could trust even if it takes ten years or take your chances and keep meeting women and maybe you will find the right one.
Another red flag seems like she had commitment issues. She had told me once that she had rejected a lot of guys before in ristha process even after talking to them for months with her parents permission. Shes supposedly been looking since 21 and was now already nearly 30 years old, which is old in our culture, you would think she would have settled down by now .I'm few years older than her so I don't have 10 years to find the right person
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Nope you already PM'd me, I just joined last month after the break up..like I've said I'm over this girl, I came to seek advice for the next rishta..how do people go about trusting a person they barely know?
Eclipsed, you have to look at their actions. Their actions should match up with their words for the most part and from what you have shared about your previous relationship, this quality was lacking. For instance, if she frequently bailed out on you at the last minute...then this would contradict any promises or declarations she had made to you about how much she cares for you, or how she's always there for you, or how much she enjoys your company etc etc. Granted that once in a while a person can get busy and has to cancel plans, but if this happens often enough then there's a disconnect between the words and actions.
Trust develops over time. As I said earlier, you look to see if the person's words and actions match up. And you also observe how they behave with others. And there is a wisdom in not getting sexually intimate before the nikkah...and IMO this also includes sexting. Sexual intimacy can cloud judgment and prevent you from seeing things objectively. And human nature is such that doubts tend to creep up in a person's mind after such intimacy. At the time being, it's like you're on some high...and then afterwards one might think, "Wait if this guy/girl slept with me, have they done that with others?"..."If they can so easily surrender to me, then does that mean that they have a weak character and will lose control even after marriage...and possibly be unfaithful?"..."Is this person even right for me if it led to this so soon?" All these questions can start to play in the mind of either one person or both persons. Shaitan weakens your resolve and gets you to transgress by becoming intimate and then after it's done, he doesn't leave you alone then either. Better to hold off on the intimacy.
So, it's only been one month since you broke up with her...and you feel that you're already over her? I know that everyone is different but it sounds kind of hard to believe. I think it takes much longer to get over someone thoroughly and completely...especially someone you were with for almost a year.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Eclipsed, you have to look at their actions. Their actions should match up with their words for the most part and from what you have shared about your previous relationship, this quality was lacking. For instance, if she frequently bailed out on you at the last minute...then this would contradict any promises or declarations she had made to you about how much she cares for you, or how she's always there for you, or how much she enjoys your company etc etc. Granted that once in a while a person can get busy and has to cancel plans, but if this happens often enough then there's a disconnect between the words and actions.
Trust develops over time. As I said earlier, you look to see if the person's words and actions match up. And you also observe how they behave with others. And there is a wisdom in not getting sexually intimate before the nikkah...and IMO this also includes sexting. Sexual intimacy can cloud judgment and prevent you from seeing things objectively. And human nature is such that doubts tend to creep up in a person's mind after such intimacy. At the time being, it's like you're on some high...and then afterwards one might think, "Wait if this guy/girl slept with me, have they done that with others?"..."If they can so easily surrender to me, then does that mean that they have a weak character and will lose control even after marriage...and possibly be unfaithful?"..."Is this person even right for me if it led to this so soon?" All these questions can start to play in the mind of either one person or both persons. Shaitan weakens your resolve and gets you to transgress by becoming intimate and then after it's done, he doesn't leave you alone then either. Better to hold off on the intimacy.
So, it's only been one month since you broke up with her...and you feel that you're already over her? I know that everyone is different but it sounds kind of hard to believe. I think it takes much longer to get over someone thoroughly and completely...especially someone you were with for almost a year.
Yeah a lot of red flags I ignored. I'm over her because my conscience is clear, shs didnt follow through on any of her committments and promises its her loss because I was a better partner to her than she was to me and I'm already getting other good risthas, one of them seems really decent. I just didn't want to be decieved again so posted on this forum for arranged marriage advice.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Since i still dont know what actually happened since I never heard from her again didn't even get a proper apology, im going to play the odds which is why im making those generalizing comments because those things do in fact happen often. As mentioned I think the real reason she left me was because I gained some weight which I've subsequently lost and continue to lose--she likely lost attraction for me and there may have been another guy in picture so she ended up choosing the other guy (she did hint about both these things). Her loss, I'm going to get shredded within a few months. There was absolutely nothing else that changed or warranted ending it because I was really good to her.
so you knew she was superficial all along....
and now you're gonna get ripped so that you can attract another girl with similar preferences who may be just as likely to leave you if those extra few pounds happen to return.
carry on.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
How is it an immoral act if 2 people love each other and sleep with each other? (religion aside)
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
If you are over her, why are you talking so much about her?
Also, no one can give you assurances that the next one will not do the same. If you are mature enough to accept that, then go for this rishta.
Dunno man… usually … if eveything is going great and then u sleep together for the first time… and the other person breaks up with you the very next day… maybe they didn’t like your moves?
Hollywood teaches us that :halo: