I was in a relationship for nearly a year, she portrayed herself as a traditional and conservative pakistani girl (covered her hair with duppatta, her family is religious, etc)
We fell in love, made plans to get married pending parent’s approval
Our parents had talked, were planning on meeting
We became more physical, we would sleep together, basically did almost everything with the intention of getting married to each other no matter what
We had a few fights but they would always be resolved, no temper issues or anything, nothing major that would warrant it to end, I was really good to her
The morning after we had just become physical, she texted me & randomly ended it without giving me any actual reason besides a BS excuse about her parents not approving…lol the usual excuse when someone wants to end it while trying not to look bad. Likely found another guy.
For a man, a girl’s commitment and loyalty is everything so I didn’t even try to convince her to not end it, I’m glad it’s over, don’t want a girl like that
I am confident in my ability as a great partner, and have a clear conscience and think I’m an overall good catch, was just shocked that a girl could do all this, invest so much time and then just randomly end everything after doing everything we did and all the promises she made. How do you even trust people these days?
My parents have received a few rishtas for me already and there is this one girl that seems really decent but I don’t want to be deceived again. I have good intentions and want to get married to the right girl, not fool around. I made the mistake of getting physical before marriage thinking it would cement the relationship towards marriage. I thought I had good judgement but some people especially us Pakistanis can be really deceiving without any regard for another person. I know it takes time to truly get to know a person, but there is no way a girl’s parents will prolong the arranged marriage process so that I can get to know their daughter better. Any advice?
How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
I think its abit unfair tarring all pakistanis with the same brush.. You made the choice to get physical naively thinking it will mean you will get married.. Also which one is it you want? Someone conservative the way you described but both your actions dont show that
Personally i would just simply learn to not fall too hard for someone until you are absoloutley sure they are for you. If its a strict arranged route you want then get families involved from the get go and get to know the person properly before making any physical commitments.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Actually the truth is you cannot trust anyone so easily these days. But you have to trust someone..at the end of the day. So the best medium i would suggest is to get to know them without any expectation..in the begining. Meaning..until your heart say..she is the one..and then go through right channel. Staying away from physical stuff...helps greatly. Not religiously..but morally as well. InshAllah i pray you find someone special for you budd!
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
"conservative, traditional girl who covers herself with dupatta" who sleeps with you before marriage is def neither traditional, conservative nor religious despite her saying it.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
"conservative, traditional girl who covers herself with dupatta" who sleeps with you before marriage is def neither traditional, conservative nor religious despite her saying it.
Yeah in hindsight you're 100% right..in the moment you want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and think "oh they're making an exception for me out of love"..clearly the physical meant more to me than it did her and I'm not even religious and neither do I portray myself to be..it's just deceiving the public who will think she's traditional and religious because she wears hijab..that's the image she's choosing to portray in public..the next guy is going to think exactly that..and that's what scares me going forward..I don't want to be decieved like that
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Actually the truth is you cannot trust anyone so easily these days. But you have to trust someone..at the end of the day. So the best medium i would suggest is to get to know them without any expectation..in the begining. Meaning..until your heart say..she is the one..and then go through right channel. Staying away from physical stuff...helps greatly. Not religiously..but morally as well. InshAllah i pray you find someone special for you budd!
How does it help "morally"? I completely get why people would avoid getting physical before marriage. I don't get how that would be wrong morally.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
How does it help "morally"? I completely get why people would avoid getting physical before marriage. I don't get how that would be wrong morally.
It can be a moral issue for some people..morals are personal standards for what one (or society) determines to be good or bad behavior..for many especially in our culture having sexual relationships before marriage can be considered immoral (i.e. bad) behavior
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
How does it help "morally"? I completely get why people would avoid getting physical before marriage. I don't get how that would be wrong morally.
It not immoral to sleep with another consenting adult.
But as a muslim, it IS immoral b/c faith and moral are highly intertwined. We as a muslim are expected to follow certain rules to become a good human being
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
It not immoral to sleep with another consenting adult.
But as a muslim, it IS immoral b/c faith and moral are highly intertwined. We as a muslim are expected to follow certain rules to become a good human being
So if we put religion aside it really isn't immoral.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Was it actual sex or online sex? They're both wrong but one is more so than the other. You mentioned that you and her had a series of arguments...what were they about? For her to call it quits out of nowhere and so suddenly does not make sense. That is why I asked what the arguments were about. The nature of those arguments may provide a clue; maybe they took a toll on her even if she didn't display any tantrums.
I am not perfect and if what I'm about to say makes me sound self-righteous, I do not intend to come across that way. When we transgress the limits Allah has set for us, I think we end up removing or lesseninh the barkat from that thing or venture or goal.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
So if we put religion aside it really isn't immoral.
Allah's every prohobition is for our protection. Who better understands our fitrat than the One who made us? Men and women respond differently to sexually intimacy; many times it leads to an emotional attachment within either one or both persons. And when the affair does not culminate into marriage, it leads to heartache. Heartache that becomes emotional baggage that will likely carry over into the next relationship. It affects you emotionally, psychologically, physically and it can impact those around you as well. It can have a domino effect. Sometimes people try to look really really really hard into why an act is haraam; they wonder if it is inherently haraam or if there's a harm quality within it. I think, and this is just my opinion, k kuch baaton se humay is liye mana kia gaya hai because there's more risk or harm than there is benefit. Unfortunately many of us learn the hard way ...after having our hearts broken...that there is wisdom in these rules.
If we put religiom aside or remove it entirely, even then stealing and cheating and many other vices are wrong. Governments around the world can separate religiom from their laws, phir bhi many of those laws mirror the prohibitions and principles found in religion.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Was it actual sex or online sex? They're both wrong but one is more so than the other. You mentioned that you and her had a series of arguments...what were they about?
Both in person (we slept together overnight a few times) and online (texting and skype)..even had a honeymoon type of romantic weekend where we met up in a different city the week before she ended it
Arguments were the typical arguments nothing serious..like she would sometimes make plans with me and then ditch me last minute..first couple of times I ignored them but as relationship progressed we discussed it..no recent fight near the end, relationship ended on a high (at least I thought)..im never disrespectful and am very level headed so had a mature discussions about our concerns..guess I was correct in having that concern because she did end up me ditching me in the end also..oh well her loss, I just want to make sure I don't get decieved again for this next girl
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Was it actual sex or online sex? They're both wrong but one is more so than the other. You mentioned that you and her had a series of arguments...what were they about? For her to call it quits out of nowhere and so suddenly does not make sense. That is why I asked what the arguments were about. The nature of those arguments may provide a clue; maybe they took a toll on her even if she didn't display any tantrums.
I am not perfect and if what I'm about to say makes me sound self-righteous, I do not intend to come across that way. When we transgress the limits Allah has set for us, I think we end up removing or lesseninh the barkat from that thing or venture or goal.
Only thing I can think of for why she left was because I gained some weight which is really dumb because since the break up I've lost a significant amount of weight as I have been going to gym every single day for hours since I have more free time now that I'm not in a relationship. I'm going to be so fit in a couple of months. Ironically she herself wasn't that skinny..she must have found another guy, girls don't randomly and abruptly leave a guy unless they're in a abusive relationship or unless they have another guy lined up..I'm thinking the latter
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
So you don’t have any ownership in the mistake that was made? You were pure as snow and sincere, despite the fact that you knowingly had intimate physical relations with a girl you were just dating. Where was your self control and respect for this “religious and conservative girl?”. Maybe the “BS Excuse” was that after spending the night (or day) with you intimately with you, she really did realize that you guys aren’t as well suited as she thought and she did make a mistake so it’s just best to break it off. You’re giving a rather one sided portrayal of things. Rather then shame her and cast doubt on every potential wife/rishta, maybe you should work on yourself a little as well.
Re: How do you trust people these days in arranged marriage process?
Lol whatever, read last paragraph I said it was a mistake for me to be physical. I love that logic, after sleeping with several times and doing everything physical over a course of several months then coming to the logic that hes not right for me. Being physical should be very last stage and if going to be physical then should follow through with marriage otherwise the person is doing everyone wrong, did me wrong, her parents and family, her future husband and most importantly did herself wrong.
My intentions were good, I wanted to marry her, I wasn’t fooling around..she is the one who abruptly ended it after doing everyrhing with me and making all those promises to marry, she didn’t follow through on her committment and promises, not me..anyways I didn’t post for others to pass their judgements. Im looking towards future with this next girl. I asked a specific question about how to trust people when don’t really have the time to fully get to know them in the ristha process, comment on that instead of trying to be a white knight
