Re: How do you reply?
I can understand that u need to confront a person and tell them that their comments hurt u if u see the person on a regular basis. But seriously family members etc that u only see twice or so in 5-6 years - if they happen to make a annoying comment then so what. Y r girls nowadays so extremely touchy??
Re: How do you reply?
I know exactly what you mean. Pakistanis can be remarkably tactless. Sometimes it's entirely unintentional and they don't realize they're being rude (because comments like that aren't considered rude). Other times they are manipulating insecurities to make themselves feel better.
It happened often when i was younger, and when it's about me I run into some corner and cry. But if it's about someone else I just get angry and often speak back, commenting on their prejudice and ignorance. This is probably not the best way to handle things, but it's incredibly frustrating, and since I'm pretty sure they're not going to change, at least I can get them to shut up around me.
Re: How do you reply?
That’s my point Sahar… why should YOU have to go in the corner and cry because someone else was rude to YOU? YOU should be able to say whatever you want back to that person. Why are pakistanis SO hung up about not offending anyone even when the other person is standing there obviously not caring about whether or not they offend you. Faisal, you’re assuming that I would say something if someone said something to me, my point is, when someone goes after one’s kids, that’s a different ball game. Kids are always off limits. So yes, if someone says something about me, I really don’t care. But if someone says something about someone’s kids or someone else who isn’t present to defend themselves, then the gloves come off. Maybe you’re a diplomat interested in preserving family relationships with people who are oblivious to other people’s feelings, I guess that’s the difference between me and you, I’m not interested in people like that.
Re: How do you reply?
You know its so funny, from what i’ve seen, most parents tell thier kids to just shutup and put up when someone insults them, out of respect and whatever. But since I was a kid, my parents have always told me to fight back, whoever touched me i shud beat the crap outta em (and if i got in trouble with teachers, they wudnt care, they’d be on my side). And even now, when my brother will say something nasty n mean, my mom says to say something back, none of that 'hes older/guy, shut up and take it" crap flies in our house. And yet i’ve never been able to ever fight back 
Aahmed, i dont think we go and cry in a corner intentionally. But for as long as i can remember, thats my first impulse, and its kinda hard to overcome it. Not to mention, when something happens, u just freeze and dont think to say something mean back.
:hinna:
Re: How do you reply?
It all boils down to what were the intentions of those passing comments n how 'inflammable' the person on recieving end is.:)
I wouldn't ask my kids to shut up if someone insults them....BUT at the same time I would like to work on their threshold/tolerance level too.
Funnily enough I've heard/seen friends swearing at each other n calling names which is considered 'fun' or quite normal in a certain age group....but god forbid if anything close to it ever comes from parents or worse yet, in-laws.
Aamana its not meant to offend you....nor do i assume that you've low tolerance etc. but from what I've gathered about you is that you are not desi...n perhaps have had a recent visit to pak. To desis, it is still a way of showing care that they examine you quite thoroughly specially if you are visiting after a long time....lol.
If they tell you, you've turned pale/black or purple for that matter....it often means you are not in good health or are worried/under stress etc. etc. I get those comments every year....n to be honest I used to get upset on why every single person coming to see me throws a fit on my weight n all. But I recieved this from my parents n inlaws alike....n i realised they weren't degrading me but were showing concern.
Just like that, I always heard how kid no. 1 looks weak n no. 2 looks healthy etc....
Of course there are some people who comment just for the sake of it. But then again think ....if this comment was passed to make you sulk on that....you are really helping them to just get what they want by sulking and getting upset. Such people are not worth wasting time and energies on.So don't care!
We can not make everyone think in the same way....we have to accept the differences in cultures, values and ways of thinking. It is not possible to shut everyone up n IMHO its not even healthy. In the end your patience will be rewarded for sure.....so no worries, inshaAllah!
Re: How do you reply?
It’s much easier for me to defend others than to defend myself when I feel totally vulnerable because someone has picked at my insecurities.
Re: How do you reply?
Thanks for all the replies! I don't think I'm too thin skinned - believe me - I've taken a lot of crap over the last 15 years of marriage, but then again, I did "steal" my husband from them. :)
I don't really mind the comments that people make to me, it's my kids that I am sensitive about. My daughter still has a complexion complex from her daadi's last visit. My kids have been taught to respect their elders, but unfortunately they take things that their daadi/daada/phoppos/etc. say to heart.
I think the marriage thing is causing the most anxiety right now. My husband's response has always been to say 'okay, we'll talk about it when they're older', so now my kids are probably engaged to half of Rawalpindi. Several relatives are wanting something more concrete now that their kids are getting older, and my husband is looking for a nice way to say no, but we're getting a lot of "but it's your duty to bring such and such to the US now."
Anyway, I am sure I will have some great stories on my return :)
Re: How do you reply?
Ahem duty? hahahahahaahahahaha whatta buncha crap!
Your duty is to NOONE but your kids and husband, absolutely no one else. Dont fall into the "but i'm ur husbands brothers jaithani's parhosi and I am entitled to this" crap
Re: How do you reply?
If you dont respect ur elders, there is little chance people will respect you when u get older.