Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
but i dnt want to, i want him to willingly want to. why should i need to say that, if he isnt happy giving from his heart, just gna make me more angry even if he does give it.
You can't force feelings.
Just b/c you like to give expensive stuff to his relatives doesn't mean he will feel teh same way.
Get over it.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
if he was kanjoos for everyone, fine, but his only kanjoos with my side of the fmaily, or everyone BUT his own family…even himself, hes kanjoos with himself, he wont buy stuff for himself, because he says it costs too much, but he can easily spend hundred on mum and sister, i dnt mind this, but then he should spend a lill decent amount on my sis and bro, especially eid etc.
anyway what should i do…how do i talk to him without bursting into tears, im at the stage wwhere i cry over everything and this is def making me teary.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
well you cant always have what you want...and he's not psychic. Ask him to clarify his double standards.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
sigh so what shall i do.....im not talking to him, but HE isnt even talking to me now....whys that.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
well...neither of you are talking to each other...so that's settled.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
hey hey, we are prudent.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
This is what happens when you marry someone from "back home" :p
Is he financially stable? Maybe money is an issue perhaps and that's why he doesn't want too spend much. As far as parents and sinblings are concerned they are his family and he will feel more for them compared to your parents.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
On another note if there are so many differences between you guys why didn't you spend time on getting to know him before marriage? You're married an pregnant now so you have to put up with this. If things get unbearable there's always a solution to that.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
I think perhaps something you both should consider is to stop this "I'm upset so I'm not talking to you" thing. Sometimes it's good to have a little space, but going for days without talking to each other and then going on as if everything's normal isn't healthy. You have all this anger simmering inside, you don't resolve it, and then you fall back into your routine with nothing settled. Keep doing that and over the years, all that resentment will build up and one of you will have a spectacular explosion like you wouldn't believe. And then one of you (or both of you) will say/do something hurtful that you can NEVER take back.
So pick a moment when you're calm...pray 2 rakat nafil, and then discuss things with him. And before you start talking, understand that you might not get your ideal solution, but at least a workable compromise. You can't force feelings for others and you can't force your husband to be generous with your family because forced generosity isn't generosity at all. But perhaps you two can agree on a way to split income so that you have your money to spend however and on whoever you choose and he has his own spending money. That way, you can be as generous as you like with your portion. As for his feelings towards your family, you simply have to give it time and let it develop on it's own.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
I think perhaps something you both should consider is to stop this "I'm upset so I'm not talking to you" thing. Sometimes it's good to have a little space, but going for days without talking to each other and then going on as if everything's normal isn't healthy. You have all this anger simmering inside, you don't resolve it, and then you fall back into your routine with nothing settled. Keep doing that and over the years, all that resentment will build up and one of you will have a spectacular explosion like you wouldn't believe. And then one of you (or both of you) will say/do something hurtful that you can NEVER take back.
So pick a moment when you're calm...pray 2 rakat nafil, and then discuss things with him. And before you start talking, understand that you might not get your ideal solution, but at least a workable compromise. You can't force feelings for others and you can't force your husband to be generous with your family because forced generosity isn't generosity at all. But perhaps you two can agree on a way to split income so that you have your money to spend however and on whoever you choose and he has his own spending money. That way, you can be as generous as you like with your portion. As for his feelings towards your family, you simply have to give it time and let it develop on it's own.
its not that, i do have money in my account,hs never asked me where i spend it, and hes surprised i still have alot of it in there, i dont spend it much because intially it was his money, hes the one who put 3000 pounds in there, he doesnt ask where i spend it, not much, he will ask if he sees yet another eyeliner or somthin he thinks i have a lot of anyay...otherwise hes ok, so if i did spend it on my fmaily he wouldnt even know or ask..but i dnt want to spend without telling him. maybe i need to learn to not tell him then.
we dont go DAYS without speaking, its normally hours, oor max a day, but i feel like it doesnt resolve anything for me. i still feel hollow. he thinks eveythin ok. how can i explain feelings to him without crying/making it sound like im complaining....
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
You can't change his nature, so as long as he isn't stopping you, I guess you'll have to learn to tolerate each other's personalities.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
:hinna: Why do people get married?
That’s all I have to contribute. My brain is fried.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
Aww. I feel for you nadz. This is perhaps the 2nd time you are complaining with a valid reason. I can so relate to you when you say you dont want him 2 do it for the sake of it but he shud feel it. I am the same way, i want people to know wat they should be doing and dont just do it to make me happy. Such behavior would irritate me alot too and since you are pregnant, i can understand how much more irritating it must be for you. Having said that, its not a wise move to keep silent and not discuss this issue. You need to talk to him and explain how his behavior really bothers you. Hopefuly he will understand.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
It had to happen some time. You have steadfastly contributed reasonable,well considered,informative, and supportive posts. It’s not natural! Now go slap someone upside the head with a wet fish or something.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
ALSO i have noticed he calls his family all the time now, atleast twice a week minimum, from work, he has these free minutes, however when they run out, he doesnt wait until his free mins start again few days later, he will just get a calling card, dont know what hes so desperate to talk about, as well as the fact that i feel like he now doesnt call me much because hes calling them. dont know what to think.
Okkk now THIS is very wrong. You have absolutely no right to complain about this. He can call them whenever he wants and its none of your business really. Maybe by questioning him for this, you annoy the hell out of him thats why he is the way he is with your family. Its not justified but thats what happens when you dont care for yr husband's family, your husband wont do for yours either. And caring is not buying his sister however much worth of makeup so you need to review that.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
I’m in school right now. If I use one of my pupils as a guinea pig for this relief inducing experiment…I might get meself fired.
Now…how do i make it appear like an accident …
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
RV what are you doing online! Go teach, sho sho!
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
^Students are working. I is good at multi-tasking....got quite a bit accomplished. Plus school's almost out.
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
Oh that's good then. Our RV, the multi-tasker lol
Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi
Do people actually do that in real life? 'Cause that would be awesome. I thought it was reserved solely for monty python sketches.
My mistake. In your initial posts, you said you don’t speak to each other for a while and then things are back to normal in a day or two so I assumed that’s how long you go without talking to each other. But even if it’s a few hours…it’s still not good because you’re not actually resolving anything. You’re simply moving on without discussing the issue. Not healthy.
How do you explain without it seeming like you’re crying/complaining? DON’T cry, first of all. Not always easy to achieve…some of us are emotional beings and with pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc, it can be even worse. But find a way to do it…pray 2 rakat nafil, drink some ice cold water, take a long walk to release that stress…find a method that works for you and then use it!
And then learn to pick your battles. You can’t force him to buy stuff for your family…buy it yourself AND be generous with his family as you would like him to be generous with yours. And then hope that with time and by watching your good example, he too will make some positive changes. As for the calling his family thing…stay out of it. He’s allowed to talk to them as much as he wants. Just as YOU should talk to your family as much as you want. Are you worried that he doesn’t spend as much time with your family? Then take the high road again by making it a point to give his parents a call every once in a while.
It might take a while, but you should see changes if you lead by example rather than constant discussions/arguments. Your husband obviously isn’t immune as he felt some embarrassment when your brother treated everybody to dinner. I suppose McDonald’s ice cream isn’t the most extravagant gesture, but it’s a start.