How do you deal with this then?*kanjoosi*

Lifestyle Relationships
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i mentioned it before, and i assumed i was paranoid or maybe a fazool karch…but i seem to have noticed now, that my husband isnt kanjoos with his own family, he can spend money on his own siblings and parents, however when i asked what shall we give as eidi to my own sisters and brothers since we live here, with them, he joked```nothing, kyun aasman sai woh ay hai, he was messing around, he had his joke tone, however im beginning to get fed up of his so-called jokes…he said kuch nahi bas 5pounds each dedeingey...wtf.£5......MY Sisters and brothers are not 5 yrs old, they are 20, 19, 24, and 12......have some shame, i wanted to give them minimum 10pounds.....anyway, i just went quiet and turned around, ( this was after sehri when we going back to slp) he thought it was no big deal and tried to be normal, i then said, your always like this, everything you say as a joke, but i knwo you now, its serious, my sibligs not worth more than a fiver to you, but you can buy whatever for your family…

and its a trait ive noticed time and time again, if he gives something to my brother, who passed his alvels 2 weeks ago, i wanted to give money, he said lets buya bag, which wouldve been alot cheaper, in the end he said ok how much money, although he initiated the sum, didnt look as if he meant it, cos when the time came giving it, he didnt look AT ALL happy, however he has reasons all the time, he says hes not like that, he says im just over analsying…etc etc..

we dont do any shopping we are currently staying at my mums, and the least we can do is grocery shopping, its not that he says no,but he never ever willingly will say oh lets buy this for ur mum dad, sis, bro…he will make face first…or say kya leri ho, kyun leri ho…even if its for me…

on the other hand his sister from pak asked for some makeup stuff, he has already bought her stuff worth 60pounds, and i just spent 30more pounds on her makeup, he didnt bat an eyelid when it came to 30pounds just for a bit of makeup…however i know if it was for my sister, he wouldve def said something.

anyway since sehri, im not talking to him, i feel he doesnt do anything for my family, although he should, i feel like i cant buy anything for them, i can, he doesnt stop me, but he doesnt encourage either…
what shall i do…he thinks im just always complaining,. but its true how i feel, i have spoken to him before, he says hes joking, but its not funny and its not a joke, im positive its serious.
i want to cry cos of it, not sure if its cos of my hormones or i am actually this upset, but i wish i could hate him for it.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

we usually have the habit of if we do argue/dont talk for a while, we normally just get back to normal within a day or 2 then, but i dont want to just ignore it and getback to normal this time, i want him to know how i feel and that its most likely i am right. he has put 3000 pounds in my account last year, he never asked me what i spend it on, however, i feel like he thinks its HIS money and so spending on my own siblings or family isnt on, so i just want to give him his money back and tell him to keep it, and keep his money-however im not sure if i should do this, it may make him angry, and it may make the problem worse if i do this....should i do it, out of anger, or not?

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

ALSO i have noticed he calls his family all the time now, atleast twice a week minimum, from work, he has these free minutes, however when they run out, he doesnt wait until his free mins start again few days later, he will just get a calling card, dont know what hes so desperate to talk about, as well as the fact that i feel like he now doesnt call me much because hes calling them. dont know what to think.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

Are you pregnant by any chance?

I mean you have problem with him talking to his parents? Other things I can understand but his is a little too far...

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

yes i am. my main issue isnt the calling dont worry, it just adds to the crap i am feeling.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

why do you feel the need to share all this with us?

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

nadz, they are HIS FAMILY… people who brought him up and spent all their lives with him, they’re HIS blood… why would he not want to talk to them? :smack:

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

Honestly......I wouldn't expect my husband to pay for gifts for my brothers kids, or my cousins. On the few occasions he has paid for gifts, I took it as a favor and thanked him rather than take it for granted that it was his responsibility. Just like he has never expected me to pay for anything for his siblings'/their children, I've never questioned or made a face or anything to indicate that I had any issue with it.

For some people this may not sound very idealistic ("my family is his family" comes to mind) but I think its a practical solution and one less source of arguments.

If you're working, then you should give your siblings however much you're comfortable with, keeping in mind your family situation.

As for groceries, well......do you have a habit of picking up unnecessary items? or if you buy something but you don't eat it in time and it goes bad? That could be a reason why he hesitates or makes faces if you get something. If that's hte case, then try to change your habits.....and if thats not hte case, then just ignore the faces/rolling eyes, whatever.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

By the way, he doesn't have any feelings for your siblings ... why should he? You've been married for less than a year, how can you expect him to treat your siblings the same way he treats his.... grow up and face the reality. Spend what you want for your siblings and give them whatever you want.... he will take time to develop an attachment or any feelings. Hell, its been 6 years since I've been married and I still dont expect my husband to treat my siblings the same way he treats his.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

Where is his family? are yours better off financially? Does he think they don't need him as much as his family does? Does he feel ashamed that he can't quite support you all independently or do what is "good enough" for them, so he doesn't do anything?

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

No matter how many years pass by, I dont think any one can develop same feelings for spouse's siblings/niece etc just as he/she has for his/her siblings but most of the time spouse do come to terms and to make relationship healthy they start balancing more appropriately. Feelings can not be induced.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

you need to stop worrying about all the comparing his family and yours. You're going to be a mother soon - grow up.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

hes my cousin-so hes THEIR COUSIN too, and im not talking about giving gifts to my cousins or whoever, im talking about my own sisters and brothers, if he can splash out money on his sister, why cant i feel like i can do the same for my own sister, and for gods sake we live with MY FAMILY, at the moment because of my current situation, he should be consdierate, im not saying hes obviously rude, or says no to me, but he doesnt go out of his way to do anytyhing-money wise- for them...yes ok so he will buy bread/milk here and there if mum needs it and wont take her money and small things here and there, but he wont buy stuff out of his own free will, il have to make him. i dont know his sibligs/parents that well, but i still want to get them decent gifts, why doesnt he have the same generous attitude, the fact that he jokingly or not, said we will give them a fiver each, made my blood boil seeing as we had just spent 100quid on his 1 SISTER...

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

omg.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

his is in pak, and no they are well-off, hes just a kanjoos ****, who im sure now, only spends on his own sister and mum, even his dad and brother he doesnt really spend much but with his sister and mum he could easily spend hundred each.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

its not about developing feelings, its about balancing and doing whats right, i dont care much for his sister or brother however i wouldnt dream of not giving them decent gifts just because of this....his own brother passed his degree, so my husband told me and said ring them to congrat him, so i did, as i woudlve had he not even said it, however, my own brother passed his alevels and he didnt say congrtats to him, not to his face anyway, stuff like this, that he thinks is minor, is major for me,

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

the other day i took out the money i had in my purse, and i took out my debit card and said here take this, i dnt want your money-i was serious,he took it as a joke and put the money and car dback in my bag---- he thinks everythings a joke...however i think i know him by now, i dont beleive it a sjoke now, i think he really is not interested in giving aything to my side of the fmaily.

to the point where i noticed another thing, my lil brother whose 20 took us out for a meal for our anniversary, the meal was 80pounds, we thought mum dad were taking us out, turned out my lil brother paid for it, i think that made my husbabd feel lil small, so guess what he does, he offers to buy everyone ICECREAM from mcdonalds. so wow he spent 6pounds, and it was out of sharmindgi maybe, because he hasnt offered to buy anyone anything before...and i really felt that was his reason for offering.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

There's no need for you to feel guilty giving ten pounds for eidi...if he says anything..just remind him of the makeup!!

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

but i dnt want to, i want him to willingly want to. why should i need to say that, if he isnt happy giving from his heart, just gna make me more angry even if he does give it.

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Re: How do you deal with this then?kanjoosi

Men are kanjoos by nature anyways :snooty: Don’t expect anything out of him.
My husband threw a fit when I bought an $80 dollhouse for my only daughter :naak:.