I asked that we be able to talk on the phone or via email. Over the next 6 weeks through talking to him, I discovered: he drank, ate haram, cussed like sailor, was something of a misogynist, and a former member of the MQM who couldn't "publicly" go back to Pakistan. After discovering all of this, I said no.
You make it sound like its a bad thing.
You’re right, meri hi soch ghalat kai mainey unki in baaton ko naiki kai bajayey kuch aur samajh liya :halo:
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
Yaar if your family is doing everything than why you are so worried about it. Let them make the final decision. You can just chill. Thats how arrange marriages are done.
But if you really want to be the decision maker than use your mother, father & sisters as your eyes and ears. You can't talk to them but they can. Well ofcourse its gona take lots of back and forth visits but I hope it will provide you with enough information to make a sane decision.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
Umm do you have sisters or female cousins, than can kinda talk to the gals, get to know a little bit about them to see if they fit into what you may want out of life. I still think somehow you should be able to talk to them. If still no. Then perhaps get to see them interact with others, see their behavior/personality to give you some insight.
The Prophet (Sallal Laho Alaihi Wasallam) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara, in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran. He said, "If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):
**WAY TO PERFORM ISTIKHARA:
**First pray Two Cycles (raka') of ritual Prayer (nafil) such that in the first raka' after Surah Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Kafirun (Chapter 109) and in the second raka' after Fatiha (Allhamd…) recite Surah al-Ikhlas (Chapter 112). After finishing prayer recite this (supplication/dua'): Dua in Arabic Text above.
**
TRANSLATION:
** “O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action ------------------------------------------------ (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka’] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it.”
**
How many times?**
It depends. Sometimes it takes only once to get the answer and sometimes it takes longer. It is better to do istakhara seven (7) times. If you have received an answer as explained in the section below, stop doing istikhara. You do not have to continue to do isitkhara for 7 days. It is better that right after reciting the supplication, given above, sleep with ablution (people who cannot keep the ablution for longer times due to health problems do not have to worry about ablution before falling asleep) facing the direction of the Qibla (facing the Qibla is not required but it is a Sunnat of our beloved Prophet Peace Be Upon Him). It is better to recite salutations (durood/ salawat) on the Prophet Allah’s Grace and Peace be upon him before and after the above Dua (supplication).
**
Answer:
**If in the dream one sees whiteness (means any thing white in color, for example: milk, white paper, white sky, white clothes, white light etc.) or greenness (means any thing green in color, for example: grass, plants, trees, green clothes, green light etc.) then understand that this task is better and if one sees redness (means any thing red in color, for example: blood, red clothing, red fruit, red light etc.) or blackness (means any thing black in color, for example: black water, black light, black clothings, black sky, black wall etc. ) then understand it is bad and avoid it.
If do not remember any dream or do not see any colors then follow your heart. Whatever intention grows stronger in your heart regarding your targated work follow it after seven days of Istakhara.
***I understand how it is possible that you are not allowed to talk to the girls and in your case the best and ONLY option is to do Isthikhara as described above and inshallah God will help you in making the right decison…
Marriage is game of chance…so no matter how many ways you devise to minimize the risks , there are no guarantees. What you could do is ask God to guide you and then make sure you work hard at making it all work out for the best.
usually a mother will have more influence on the brought up of her children, especially daughters. i have seen that many women are the exact replicas of their mothers. so keeping all things equal, choose the one with the better mother.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
@ Sehrysh that's crazy!!!! Did he actually tell you all that about himself? I would think that most people would want to keep these bad habits quiet until after the marriage is done! Scary!!
@ ificanhelp, I come from a similar family background, the guy and girl don't talk before the marriage.. But my parents gave me the option to talk to the guys. I've talked to a few guys and the more I do, the more I think that the old way is better.. as long as the parents do all the research.
I suggest you do istikhara, check out the links that people have posted, but also check with your local imam for the best way to do istikhara. Also, don't go by "the girl will eventually become like her mother" theory.. I know for sure that's not true in all cases! Trying to have your female family members talk on your behalf is ok but be very careful perceptions. Try to think of how you see your life in a few years time and then see which girl fits best from what you know about them.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
SARA516, the eenie meenie comment was EXACTLY what I was going to type, EXACTLY. Stop reading my mind.
To the original thread operner, how about you throw both the girls into a ring with a lion and then pick the one that the lion DOESN'T eat. That method is just about as retarded as the girls' parents not allowing you to talk to your potential mate.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
Are you marrying the family or the person?
Umm do you have sisters or female cousins, than can kinda talk to the gals, get to know a little bit about them to see if they fit into what you may want out of life. I still think somehow you should be able to talk to them. If still no. Then perhaps get to see them interact with others, see their behavior/personality to give you some insight.
This is the best advice for this guy given. Everyone here is just giving their opinions of the situation instead of solutions. yes- have a female family member talk to each girl and tell you how she is like. Also, if possible, have your female family member talk to her friends and cousins and tell you about her personality. then figure out what you want in a mate, and decide and do istakhara
Are you marrying the family or the person?
Both- even if you marry the girl, you still have to deal with the rest of his family. So yes, you marry the person and the family. Also, family can tell a lot about a girl.
@ Sehrysh that's crazy!!!! Did he actually tell you all that about himself? I would think that most people would want to keep these bad habits quiet until after the marriage is done! Scary!!
Yep, he disclosed all of this information about himself through various conversations and indicated that he had no intention of changing either (not that you should ever go into a relationship thinking you can change or mould the other person to your liking). When I said no to the proposal, I told him directly and tried to be gracious and did the whole "it's not you, it's me" bit to let him down. He was pretty snarky and rude and he asked that I not disclose anything he said to me in confidence and until recently I honored the private conversations, but I found out that he was going around telling everyone that I was high maintenance and kai "uskay nakhray bohut thay" and twisting things I said to suit his own purposes.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
I am very grateful to all those people who have replied with a positive and helping attitude.
I couldnt come online for a day but during this time Allah helped us make a decision as something came up with the other family which closed that door.
All of you will be happy to learn that though we have not talked directly but her parents have had a long talk with me infront of her and vice versa so we did talk indirectly.
I request all of you to say a special prayer for me after your next 'farz'.
Once again I am very grateful to all who took the time out to read ,think and then reply and hats off to all the ladies....You have proved that the sane ones here are mostly ladies :-).
Mods are requested to close this topic if they see fit.
Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.
A special Thankyou to all those who told me the proper way to do istikhara plus kahtifah for giving it so much thought.
and Nauman your eyes and ears thing has been applied although my sister and cousins are far far away.