How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

But its not about me or my beliefs...Its about how you handle this situation.

22

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

@ alvena I would love to know all these things but somehow that is not figuring into the picture....

23

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

blah i was too mean but its probs already been quoted.

24

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

if it's not possible for him to talk to girls, then he can't..simple...let's advise him on what he CAN do. we can't force him or his family or the ppl he knows to change their thinking, however wrong/right it is.

I have no advice to give u :)

25

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

if they are equal in all their good and bad merits then they are equally good for u. now the next step is to see who u get along with better, who ur family gets along with better, who s' more family oriented (u can see tat by if one has lived in joint family vs non joint family), who has more education (if tat's ur preference), who would fit in ur gharelu mahol better (again by knowing watever u know bout both families), n if u live abroad then who's more willing to relocate.

Best wishes.

26

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

first one.

27

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

y? giv som logical reasons too ...

28

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

well after marriage every gal gets closer to her mother, so if her mother is sensible then there are more chances that she will get good guidance.

else do the istakahara.

ps. if you are not cultured yourself then there is no point in marrying one, cuz cultured ppl have load more expectations and they take themselves holier than thou so it will be really hard for you (thread starter) to adjust in any such situation at least in the beginning.

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Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

1- do istikhara OR
2-ask your parents and trusted relatives to help you, they have more experience and they will know better.

30

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

Both are the same so what is the dilemma, I don't understand. According to your description, it really doesn't matter who you pick.

31

Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

ok, so i thought about this for quite some time, and here is my suggestion:

  1. read isthikara (remember its not necessarily what you see in a dream, but it could also be a feeling that you get). You must be completely neutral.
    ](When seeking guidance in decision making-Istakhara prayer)When seeking guidance in decision making-Istakhara prayer
    http://makkah.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/how-to-pray-salat-ul-istikhara.pdf

not only should you pray istikhara but so should your parents.

  1. Ask questions that are most important to you, perhaps you can make a list of top five questions, and send them to both girls for a response… I deleted several questions because they would not apply to you.
  1. What is your concept of marriage?
  2. What are you expectations of marriage?
  3. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
  4. What is the role of religion in your life now?
  5. Are you a spiritual person?
  6. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
  7. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
  8. What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?
  9. What is the role of the husband?
  10. What is the role of the wife?
  11. What is your relationship with your family?
  12. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to
    be?
  13. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
  14. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what
    should be done?
  15. What are the things that you do in your free time?
  16. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
  17. If someone has wronged you, how do you want him/her to apologize to you?
  18. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
  19. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
  20. How do you express anger?
  21. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
  22. What do you do when you are angry?
  23. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how
    should the conflict get resolved?
  24. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
  25. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
  26. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
  27. How were you raised?
  28. How were you disciplined?

  1. Have your family done any research on the families? How are they with their neighbors, etc…? I know in Pakistan, when someone was marrying into my family, they would send strangers to their house and test the families and see how sincere they are.

  2. Were you drawn to one girl more than the other? Both girls are pretty, but whom do you see as the mother of your children (though you dont know much about them). How religious are the families?

32

go for one with more aqalmand mom. girls usually do take after their moms sooner or later.

33

ahh zobia just read ur response. now chk mine. :)

34

:lifey:

i am not married yet but that is what i have seen so far that in desi culture mothers play a huge role.

35

since talkin or meeting arnt the options...ask ur father... ive observed that men take after their fathers... ie their taste in women. ask ur father 2 decide 4 u.

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Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

eenie meenie miney moe.....

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Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

I agree with the logical options

1) Istikhara
2) Ask your dad to decide, the point being that parents have more experience and will be able to evaluate and inform you of any qualities that would make your married life easier..

Best of luck

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Istekhara

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Re: How do you choose between 2 families/rishtas.

I hate when the term 'boy' is used for a grown man, unless he is a flaming homosexual.

40

Not to hijack your thread, but to explain why it's so important to actually speak to the girl, I'll give you an example:

I come from an ultraconservative family - so no dating, just rishtas in the traditional family meet scenario. Years ago, I met a family that we were acquainted with for a rishta - I met the parents on Sunday for 1 hour, the guy on Thursday (in the company of my family) for 45 minutes. Dekhney may, bazahir - he was fine, his family was fine - no issues - good family, educated, earned a good living, own home - what more could a girl want? On Saturday (7 days later) the family proposed. I couldn't say yes because zahir or baatin mai farak hota hai - I needed to assure myself that his values and character were good.

I asked that we be able to talk on the phone or via email. Over the next 6 weeks through talking to him, I discovered: he drank, ate haram, cussed like sailor, was something of a misogynist, and a former member of the MQM who couldn't "publicly" go back to Pakistan. After discovering all of this, I said no.

Moral of the story here is, someone can appear really nice in the initial meeting because most people but on their best face for rishta meetings, but it isn't until you actually make an effort to know them that you discover whether or not your values match theirs. Even in a conservative setting, it's possible to honor traditional values and still make an informed decision. I would strongly suggest that you try to speak or email the girl, lest you later regret your decision. Oh, and I agree, definitely do an istikhara as well.