when someone asks you a question about something that you are not allowed to tell about.
my husband told me something about my sil which she told him and told him specifically not to tell anyone. she hasnt told me herself and has been avioding for a while so she really doesnt want to talk about this very big issue with me. but hubby told me…
and now someone asked me a direct question about her for which I had no clue of how to answer cuz I didnt want to lie about it and by saying I dont know I would imply the answer anyways. I just said I havent been in touch with sil for a while but this lady could see that something wasnt right. and now I am afraid that she is gonna ask again.
how do you guys deal with such confusing situations?
It's not YOUR information to give, because the way I see it, if you say 'I don't know' , it wouldn't technically be lying, as the sil hasn't told you anything herself yet.
If the lady is so concerned, she could ask your sil directly.
It's not YOUR information to give, because the way I see it, if you say 'I don't know' , it wouldn't technically be lying, as the sil hasn't told you anything herself yet.
If the lady is so concerned, she could ask your sil directly.
How isnt it lying when I do know the answer of a question I am being asked?
when someone asks you a question about something that you are not allowed to tell about.
my husband told me something about my sil which she told him and told him specifically not to tell anyone. she hasnt told me herself and has been avioding for a while so she really doesnt want to talk about this very big issue with me. but hubby told me...
and now someone asked me a direct question about her for which I had no clue of how to answer cuz I didnt want to lie about it and by saying I dont know I would imply the answer anyways. I just said I havent been in touch with sil for a while but this lady could see that something wasnt right. and now I am afraid that she is gonna ask again.
how do you guys deal with such confusing situations?
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, " I haven't been in touch with SIL in a while." It's a simple and smart response. It's reasonable and there's nothing hard to believe about it. If you tell someone that you haven't spoken to her lately, the person can't hold you accountable for not being "up to date" about the situation. Chameli, trust me.........I EVEN KNOW about sisters-in-law who only LIVE within minutes from each other and they STILL don't know what's going in each others lives because they're so busy with their own chores. Your response was fine. And it's no business of a non-related person to interfere in your SIL's private life anyway. If the person persists in being nosy........shame on them.
Other responses you can give are:
"It's her own personal matter, I haven't been told anything about it."
OR
"My family considers this a confidential matter. However, I appreciate your concern in asking, but Alhumdolillah everything is fine." (This way the person understands that the matter is private and backs off).
OR
Smile at the aunti and give her a vague response. "My SIL's doing well, Alhumdolillah. Everything is fine. She's a smart and independent girl and she's handling life to the best of her ability like the rest of us."
But keeping a purdah on some info about your sil that you're not supposed to share is better than trying to please a nosy aunty, no?
Sure I agree on that one. and I am not intending to reveal any private info either.
but just ytring to find out how ppl change the subject or answer a very direct question when you answer can be revealing wheter you answer yes or no to the question answered.
^ Also, Chameli.....if you want to "change the subject".........ask the aunti a broad question about her own life. The kind of question that doesn't have a simple yes or no answer.
For example, if the aunti asks about your SIl.......just say, "It's been so busy this Ramadan that I haven't talked to her lately. But Alhdumolillah she's doing fine. So, HOW ARE YOUR CHILDREN DOING, Aunti?"
And then aunti will get so wrapped up in telling you about her children, she'll forget about your SIL.
Or if the nosy woman works, ask her....."So how is your job going?" Or "How is Ramadan going for you?"
Just side track the person with a question about themselves that they can answer.
^ Also, Chameli.....if you want to "change the subject".........ask the aunti a broad question about her own life. The kind of question that doesn't have a simple yes or no answer.
For example, if the aunti asks about your SIl.......just say, "It's been so busy this Ramadan that I haven't talked to her lately. But Alhdumolillah she's doing fine. So, HOW ARE YOUR CHILDREN DOING, Aunti?"
And then aunti will get so wrapped up in telling you about her children, she'll forget about your SIL.
Or if the nosy woman works, ask her....."So how is your job going?" Or "How is Ramadan going for you?"
Just side track the person with a question about themselves that they can answer.
well this wasnt an aunty but a good friend of mine who knew about my relationship to my sil and how things have been going between us. the context she asked about sil was actually quiet ok as we were speaking of kids and I mentioned sil's kid so my friend just asked 'btw how is this with your sil..and then she asked the question that I m not allowed to speak about. I went totally quiet and said and she sensed that something was wrong so she asked if everything was ok ....
and thats y I started thinking that since it is something very obvious for many ppl they will def ask me in the coming time about it so I should prepare myself with an anwser..
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, " I haven't been in touch with SIL in a while." It's a simple and smart response. It's reasonable and there's nothing hard to believe about it. If you tell someone that you haven't spoken to her lately, the person can't hold you accountable for not being "up to date" about the situation. Chameli, trust me.........I EVEN KNOW about sisters-in-law who only LIVE within minutes from each other and they STILL don't know what's going in each others lives because they're so busy with their own chores. Your response was fine. And it's no business of a non-related person to interfere in your SIL's private life anyway. If the person persists in being nosy........shame on them.
Other responses you can give are:
"It's her own personal matter, I haven't been told anything about it."
OR
"My family considers this a confidential matter. However, I appreciate your concern in asking, but Alhumdolillah everything is fine." (This way the person understands that the matter is private and backs off).
OR
Smile at the aunti and give her a vague response. "My SIL's doing well, Alhumdolillah. Everything is fine. She's a smart and independent girl and she's handling life to the best of her ability like the rest of us."
thanks:)
I think that one reason to y I got stuck when asked was my own feelings. once again I got a bit surprised that sil chose not to speak to me about it and chose to speak to hubby about it at a time where she was sure that he was alone.
although this time I am actually not all that bitter etc which I used to be in the early days.
the thing that she is 'hiding' from me is a rather big thing but of course it is entirely up to her to share with any person of her own choice.I cant force her to share her life with me or to be nice to me i.e. to say salam to me when she is nearby etc...it is up to her what she does..the thing that bothers me is that she is very non-chalant living in her own world while I get the questions and stuff putting me in a dillemma...
but yeah I should just say that I havent been in touch with her for a while....
may be one of the most underutilized sentences there is. So simple, effective and leaves no room for follow up questions :) ... try it some day. yea it might imply something is wrong ... but then so does an awkward silence/pause.
^C’mon Masti, that was uncalled for. I know some people who feel so uncomfortable about even telling the smallest lie. That’s just their nature. And they would rather word something in a way that would not be considered lying but at the same maintains their privacy. Everyone’s different. However, I understand your concern about keeping marital affairs private. Because I remember you had long ago created a thread about keeping marital issues private, so I know it’s an issue that’s very important for you
Chameli…you don’t have to completely fabricate or make up a story about your SIL. Just give a response that indicates the matter is personal. Examples:
“I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing my SIL’s affairs. You can talk to her about it.”
“This is a confidential matter regarding our family. We prefer not to discuss it.”
Or give a vague response and divert the asker. **“My SIL is fine. How’s everything going with YOU/YOUR JOB/YOUR KIDS?” **The asker will get the hint that you don’t wan to talk about it.
And NJMasti is right in being stern about this issue. Marital relationships are delicate. So, you should be practical and sensible because the smallest mistake on your part can ruin the relationships between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR SIL.
You’re not obligated to tell an outsider from the family (no matter how close they are) about your SIL’s problems. Nor should you be feeling guilty for not telling this friend about your SIL’s personal life. First of all, it’s your SIL’s personal matter. If anyone has the right to talk about it to others…it’s your SIL…not you.
And Chameli, you have to decide what is more important to you at the end of the day: Your marriage OR disappointing some female friend? If you value your marriage, then respect the privacy of your husband and his family.
From now onwards, don’t tell ANYBODY outside of your in-laws (including your own parents/siblings) about your in-laws personal matters. You never know who might start spreading the word around. And your husband will end up getting into trouble for sharing his sister’s secret with you.
Kahin aisa tu nahin u urself itch to discuss the matter with ur friend.
next time phir pochay tu say" choro is baat ko...na wo batatay hain na main un se kuredti hoon. tumhain tu meri adat pata ha na"
i truly hav grudge against bhabis who share their sil's n inlaws private matters to friends n mil/sils doing same with bahu/bhabi. inhin baton se trust khatam hota hai n ppl avoid sharing probs even with close family members.
I dont see how this is so difficult for you to deal with. You're married and have a life of your own so put yourself in your SIL's shoes for a minute. Would you like it if she went ahead and decided to disclose your personal matters JUST because someone asked her? No, you would expect her to uphold your privacy and give YOU the opportunity to tell people when YOU thought fit.
You're not lying because its not your information to tell. You dont have the right to discuss it and it would be very foolish to go ahead and talk about something like this with an outsider. Its simply not your place. Your husband trusted you with some private family information and your job is to keep it to yourself. You are inviting trouble right to your door because this is how rumors and gossiping start.
"I really dont know...she hasnt told me much" - this isnt a lie because she really hasnt told you anything.
"Im not really sure what is going on with her...havent spoken to her in ages..."
"Thats a good question...I am not really sure what the answer is..."
I still have no idea how this is even a question for you Chameli...
Well there is no question about sharing private family info with others.
My initial question here was how to change the subject or not to talk about the issue without giving any hint to the one asking that something may be wrong. So that should be enough for you guys who think that I am interested in sharing family info to others.
the main concern for me is to keep my marital relation happy and going well and I would never share a secret my hubby told me.
I just got puzzled yesterday cuz when I know that by saying I dont know to the questions asked (a very direct question) I would imply that something is wrong..so thats y I asked the questions.
…but to tell you the truth - it seemed that you want to PORTRAY YOURSELF as the “bechari”
…that poor poor you.. how can you react without giving out hints.
I want to smack you left, right and center! A dream come true for me!
:just tell me how you want ME to smack your innocence off! WALI smiley"
oh and THANKS RV for remembering this chameli chick and my hubby both can’t keep their mouth shut when it comes to privacy.
I am even willing to give up my hubz to you Chameli - you both suit better together
and I can live peacefully ALONE EVA AFTA! lol
Jokes apart - I think it is utterly important for a couple to understand that whatever they say to EACH OTHER MUST be keep confidential and with respect and dignity… so you can TRUST each other.
Ye I have problems of my own that hubby does not see that MY privacy means privacy. I am on the EXTREME side when it comes to keeping things private. I DO NOT like to include a third person.
So thanks Chameli, I really had let go of my inner frustration by punching you out… hehe… I can’t do that to hubby cause he is freakin strong
:becoming sad wali smiley: no one can really understand me
okay don’t die over this now…just wanted to let you know how I truly feel 
