okay, so i paid zakat to my mils brother this year. later i found out he did qurbani too, so i asked my husband how come i paid zakat to someone who can afford to do qurbani…hows that right…anyway he said next yr we dnt give it, maybe mil just wants to help him etc wharever, but mil said zakat is payable to him, so i felt like i should. my husband said not to mention it to her, cos i was angry i dont want to pay my zakat the wrong way and blindly just dole it out. im sure god will ask me that right? SO I WANTED to ask mil, however seeing out relationships rocky and husband just said dnt mention it.
this was august.
now mil got into a convo about that said brother, and how he cant afford anyhting, she was sending him chicken , i asked how come, she said oh because they can afford it…???
so it got me to ask about how come he could do qurbani…( 20,000 rupees he paid), but can afford these things, just aksing ,and i askd people who do qurbani is zakatpayable on them…
mil took the wrong way as was expected and said oh nadz do u want ur zakat back, il give it to you…
anyway, i was silly enough to ask when my husbands already told meback in aug not to. but otday it kinda slipped out and i plus i need to know , its not a bad thing to ask, i should know where my money went and if it went the right way…
or was i wrong to have?
ANYWAY husband heard alil bit, not all, and was abit peed offat me for mentioning it…
It could be that mil's brother is not being honest about his financial situation. It could be that maybe he is receiving help from other people besides you and was thus able to do the qurbani. Maybe he really wanted to do qurbani and had to save for it, but is still overall financially weak/struggling.
Even if your mil tried to deceive u or if her brother is being dishonest......if your intention to give zakat was for the right reasons you'll get your reward for it. Let's say that you give your zakat to a charity organization, what guarantee do u have that they'll use the money rightfully? Maybe some of that money will be used to pay for the organization's staff salaries, transportation, and other things as well. I can understand that everyone would want the zakat to be used properly, but its something to consider.
Like i said earlier, you'll get ur sawab if done or the right reasons and if u have doubts, simply dont give it to her bro next year. Your husband was right in tellung u not to bring it up so as to avoid not only conflict but also embarassing his mamoo. You should have exercised greater control, Nadz.
You might never find out if your mil's brother is financially tight. A person can live in a big home and be under so many debts or give the impression of being well off. By asking ur MIL that question, you didn't expose or embarrass your mil and her brother.........u just ended up embarrassing yourself and making urself look smaller. You also gave ur MIL another reason to dislike you even more.
If this guy was your own mamoo....like ur mom's bro, u could question ur mom about his honesty. If he was your dad's sibling, you can question your dad about his validity. But with in -laws its a whole different ball game. Your husband knew that questioning his own mom and mamoo would create problems....and he is ur mil's son.....if he avoided it, so should have you.
You don't really want help...because that would require you to change yourself a bit and exercise some self control.....it seems you're just looking more for validation besides a venting outlet.
rv is probably right. but i didnt ask her "how come i paid him zakat?" it was generalised. she took it personally.
anuway like i said it wa silly, but my question was how to get uself out of it. not just another scolding!!!
i dont how you can come out of this......
but you have every right to ask that question.....asking for help or money is ok...but taking zakat while having ability to perform qurbani is pathetic...
I also think you have every right to ask. What's not right is your dysfunctional family cannot have a healthy conversation. If you think something is not right and need to discuss that, why does it always end up being a mil-dil war?
I didn't think zakat was something you gave out to a member of your own family. That's just taking care of your own. How is that zakat? No doubt you will get the soab, because presumably your intent was to share your wealth, so intention was pure. Wasn't it? Or were you just selfishly trying to be goody-goody in your MIL's eyes?
It was your duty to investigate before giving zakat money to your MIL’s brother.
Your MIL is sensitive about her kaamwali, and now you are talking about her brother. Nadz, kabhi to soch kar bola karo.
I know many people take loan for *qurbani *that does not mean they are rich/well.
Your husband was right, once you know mamoon’s reality you dont need to point finger at him. For next time, you should investigate needy person before granting *zakat *fund.
I didn't think zakat was something you gave out to a member of your own family. That's just taking care of your own. How is that zakat? No doubt you will get the soab, because presumably your intent was to share your wealth, so intention was pure. Wasn't it? Or were you just selfishly trying to be goody-goody in your MIL's eyes?
You can't give zakat to your own parents or children, but u can give to needy relatives. Infact they top the list of people to give zakat to if they r deserving
once you gave zakat its not your money any more so no need to know where it wentor how they are using, it is said amal ka daro madar neeyat per hota hai, if you gave zakat sincerely n other person lying about financial situation thn its not your fault, your husband asked you not to talk about it but you did, now just keep silent n don't discuss it anymore.
You can't give zakat to your own parents or children, but u can give to needy relatives. Infact they top the list of people to give zakat to if they r deserving
Slip of tongue from you, hubby heard, mil heard, what's done is done.
If this issue is mentioned again, just stay quiet, dont participate in it further.
How can you get out of this? By refraining from asking mil such questions about her family and from making less than positive comments about them. People tend to be defensive about their family; it's a sensitive topic. If you visit the mamoo's family, take a small gift for them...some kind gesture. Be nice to them and speak well of them in their absence. This can help smooth things out, but don't rush to do all these things as it can also appear fake and desperate.
***If you offend someone who is overall an open-minded person and likes you, they'll eventually move on. If you've offended someone who has always had a grudge toward you and is narrow-minded, it's very difficult to improve their opinion of you and to "recover" from a careless slip of the tongue question or remark. And it is THIS point you need to remember.
If you offend only your mil it's one thing....but if you also do/say things that upset your husband, you risk losing his respect and that will hurt you more than all your MIL's hatred/drama/antics combined.
How can you get out of this? By refraining from asking mil such questions about her family and from making less than positive comments about them. People tend to be defensive about their family; it's a sensitive topic. If you visit the mamoo's family, take a small gift for them...some kind gesture. Be nice to them and speak well of them in their absence. This can help smooth things out, but don't rush to do all these things as it can also appear fake and desperate.
***If you offend someone who is overall an open-minded person and likes you, they'll eventually move on. If you've offended someone who has always had a grudge toward you and is narrow-minded, it's very difficult to improve their opinion of you and to "recover" from a careless slip of the tongue question or remark. And it is THIS point you need to remember.
If you offend only your mil it's one thing....but if you also do/say things that upset your husband, you risk losing his respect and that will hurt you more than all your MIL's hatred/drama/antics combined.
Wonderful post. Loved the " speaking well of them in their absence" part. Your advicenis so relevant. Wish I had run into this post 20 yrs ago.
Just because you have a right to do something doesn't mean that you should exercise that right just for the sake of it.
In this case because nadz knows very well how strained her relationship is with her MIL she should have done all the "investigating" on this man before she gave him zakat.....not after.
What's not right is your dysfunctional family cannot have a healthy conversation. If you think something is not right and need to discuss that, why does it always end up being a mil-dil war?
Unfortunately nothing can be done about this as nadz can't keep herself out of trouble......
Nadz, kabhi to soch kar bola karo.