I have 2 little daughters, the elder one is very often ill since she suffers from epilepsy. What can i do that my saas starts to accept me… she says im dumb and dont know anything, i can but im never given the chance coz she says tum nahin kar sakti ho 4get it. She is khaffa that i have 2 girls esp that one is ill and blames me for everything well my baby is 2 years and 9 months old and can only say a few words and understands few sentences. She has hidden the whole epilepsy story and tells everyone that I, her mom, doesnt talk to the kid thats why she cannot talk etc etc.
What should/must/can i do that she starts liking me? Plz help me, i want her to like me and want her not 2 say wrong things about me.
just be urself and inshallah things will come ur way one day. be there for ur girls. The sex of your child is not upto you and therefore she cant blame you for that…
Do not worry about winning her heart. She does not seem normal. She needs psychotherapy but problem is most desi do not believe in psychotherapy or counseling.
It should be comforting for you to know that she is psycho but you are not.
Whatever I am saying does not mean that you do no respect her or do not treat her nicely. I am saying all this because nobody will dare to say all this.
Go on with your life and count your blessings.
I agree with Niksik. You can't really change people. The only thing you CAN change is how you react to them. Besides the older people get, the more set they become in the views and it's difficult to change them. You saas has deeper issues than just her dislike for you. It's not your fault you have 2 daughters. Gender of children is in Allah's hands. And if we decide to get technical about it, then it's the man's chromosomes which determine the child's gender. Sheesh, you saas needs to take a health class and stop being a PAINDU. And she would much rather blame you for the epilepsy than taking the time to learn about the condition. Only the truly JAAHIL would make things so simple for themselves.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Be patient and respectful with your saas. Be the bigger person and show her kindness. Perhaps, one day, soon, your calm demeanor will humble her....and possibly change her attitude toward you for the better. Seek help through prayer. Make dua to Allah to heal your daughter and improve the atmosphere in your home.
2) Forgive your monster-in-law. She's a victim of centuries worth of Jahil beliefs that are deep-rooted in our culture. Having just one daughter is rehmat from Allah and by having 2, you have twice the mercy and blessings.
3) When your saas criticizes and says you don't know anything.........then kindly ask her to show the correct way of doing things. Or nicely ask her for suggestions or tips for improvement. And if she STILL gives u an attitude instead of showing/helping you .......MOVE ON! Just take the initiative and DO THINGS BY YOURSELF. For example, if you feel like cooking a yummy treat for your hubby and kids............JUST DO IT. Don't ask her permission, don't seek her opinion, just do it. If YOU think something needs to be cleaned or washed or changed or fixed........just do it! Don't ask her .....just do it. Don't let her harsh words bring you down......just do what needs to be done. If you know how to do something, then do it. Do it in your own way. Maybe when she sees u taking the initiative to do things on your own.......she'll notice that u are capable. I know this is easier said than done because sometimes mothers-in-law have greater control in the house, and that makes it hard to give the right advice. I guess what i'm trying to say is that be more assertive. Sometimes people think they can treat us wrong because we appear weak and passive to them. You teach people how to treat you. So, be assertive in a positive way. Show by yourself that you can handle the job and get it done without any help/interference.
4) Can you talk to your husband about this? Maybe he can help mitigate the situation.
5) You can't change anyone. If someone is hell bent on having made up their mind about you......u can't convince them otherwise. It is NOT your responsibility to change her. Seems like she's beyond help anyways. Don't show her that she's making you sad. That will give psycho monster-in-law an ego-boost and you don't need to give her more power. Just act as if her words have no asr on you. In one ear and out the other.
This was a difficult topic to give advice on. Even while typing, I felt uncertain about the advice....because unfortunately in-laws have their ways of twisting even a positive attempt/effort around. Yikes! I wish you the best. And hope that things get better soon, InshaALLAH.
get a burlap sack and 12 alley cats, then put the lady in the burap sack, add the cats, carefully close the sack and then gently beat the sack with a 2X4 for a 30 seconds, whenever you see movement in teh sack slow down, add another couple of whacks...
she will be lakri ki tarah seedhi after that.
PS: yeah yeah I dont respect elderly and all..bad bad haram haram.whats new. respect is earned not demanded
get a burlap sack and 12 alley cats, then put the lady in the burap sack, add the cats, carefully close the sack and then gently beat the sack with a 2X4 for a 30 seconds, whenever you see movement in teh sack slow down, add another couple of whacks...
she will be lakri ki tarah seedhi after that.
PS: yeah yeah I dont respect elderly and all..bad bad haram haram.whats new. respect is earned not demanded
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That'll scare anyone into being "seedha." But the thought of touching mangy alley cats.....eeeewww! Well, where there's a will, there's a way. Hire someone to do it! Hire a hitman who specializes in correction of wayward mother-in-laws. Pay him a reasonable amount, and he won't squeal a word. Oh the movies, gotta love em!
1st of all i pray that Allah will give good health to your daughter, InshaAllah (Amin). i have seen the epilepsy effects on someone very close to me and it is very hard. May Allah give you strength too to be there for your child, Amin.
***Read Ayaat-ul-Qursi on your daughter everyday. Pray for her health and read khatm of Chaar Kull on water and let her drink that. InshaAllah Allah will give her good health. ***
***Has anyone taken your daughter to any imaam or some religious person with a lot of Islam knowlegde? That person can read Duas on her for her health (or even do Damm on water for her). ***
And also pray everyday and ask Allah that your motherinlaw will get on with you, InshaAllah (Amin). How is your relationship with your husband? And how is his relationship with his mother? i am asking this coz i dont see anything about that in your post. Be happy with your hubby and also give him and his mother their own space. I agree with what someone said above…be patient and just be the good daughter(inlaw) to your mother(inlaw)…treat her as your own mother, maybe even better…coz you would stand up to your own mother and talk to her in a different way. just be strong and keep praying. InshaAllah one day she will see that you are only but nice to her and she will accept you.
Is there any reason other than that you got two daughters (MashaAllah:) and that one is ill (may Allah give her good health, Amin) that your motherinlaw is not being kind to you?.. how did u get married? was is fixed by your parents and your inlaws? ya did u fall in love? i am only asking so i can understand the situation more…maybe then i can try and give you more specific advice…i dont wanna say something without knowing certain facts…
How is your relationship with your father inlaw? And your husband? Have you got any sister inlaws? Do they maybe creat trouble for you? Maybe by saying stuff to your motherinlaw?
Hope my reply will help you and if you can i hope u will reply me in more detail so i can help you out in a better way InshaAllah.
As for your daughters, please shower them with your love and care no matter what. you are blessed to have them and should cherish every moment no matter what anyone says or thinks. Allah will reward you for looking after your daughter that is ill at this time. Be patient, trust Allah, try n be positive (no matter how hard it is).
My prayers are with you dear sister. Before i go here is a hug for you:
Your saas sounds like an extremely ignorant and arrogant woman. She’s the one who’s dumb if she blames you for the sex of your children and the illness, as if anyone chooses to have unhealthy children Anyways, some people have posted advice that might help. Good luck with everything.
Okay this stuff makes me real mad: You have 2 daughters mashAllah. Their sex and/or health is out of your hands, your husband’s hands and your MIL’s hands. And it’s out of every single person’s hand.
But your MIL is upset you have daughters and one of them has epilepsy. It’s YOUR daughter, YOUR daughter’s epilepsy - who the hell is she to get upset and how dare she blame you!?
It’s really, really, really nice of you to want her to like you and accept you but seriously woman, you need to focus your attention on bigger and better things.
Nothing you can do about your daughters or their health. Nothing she can do, either. Unfortunately. So please do not feel like she has some sort of an authoritative position to accept or reject your doings or that her satisfaction is necessary.
Though i generally take sides of Saases, but, i will be very concerned about your child. Your saasu maa's denial of the child condition can jeoperdize her treatment as well as care. Your husband needs to understand what it takes to take care of sick chil, does he go with you for doctor's visit? Have you discussed the issue with your husband?
Im just going to say a few things here because I come from a family of four girls and BELIEVE ME my mother has heard a few comments from her inlaws about it. But then the inlaws heard it from my father too.
Do you love your children? Would you do anything in the world for them?
Face this. If not for yourself, for them. Children are Allah mian ki nemat. They are masoom and dont know what this whole ordeal is about. But what if they grow up and and at some point start to feel this hostility just because they are female? What if your older daughter starts to think less of herself not just because she has epilepsy but also because she is a woman? What will you do then? How will remedy this? Allah na kare this ever happens but if you dont face this, it might. You are a woman and feel like you are being blamed for being a woman...do you want that for your babies that havent even celebrated their 3rd birthdays?
My response to this would be to stay away from this woman and even more important: keep your children away from her. If she makes comments, ignore and walk away. Dont respond, cry or get sad about it. Dont let your girls here this language and where is your husband in all of this? What does he have to say? He should be protecting his girls, not letting his family make a mockery out of his very own children.
Furthermore, these rumors are simple to kill. Tell people that your MIL has lost it and will be transported to a nursing home soon. If you hear things, take care of them on the spot. Let whoever it is know that your child suffers from epilepsy (may Allah swt grant her good health, Ameen) and your MIL suffers from mental imbalance. Say it with a straight face and they will buy it.
I know this may sound mean to people but I get SOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry when grown people victimize small, innocent children because of their own jahilana views. There is NO mercy in my court for this type of behavior.
I have 2 little daughters, the elder one is very often ill since she suffers from epilepsy. What can i do that my saas starts to accept me... she says im dumb and dont know anything, i can but im never given the chance coz she says tum nahin kar sakti ho 4get it. She is khaffa that i have 2 girls esp that one is ill and blames me for everything :( well my baby is 2 years and 9 months old and can only say a few words and understands few sentences. She has hidden the whole epilepsy story and tells everyone that I, her mom, doesnt talk to the kid thats why she cannot talk etc etc.
What should/must/can i do that she starts liking me? Plz help me, i want her to like me and want her not 2 say wrong things about me.
You need to accept that you can't win your MIL (mother in law) over for a long time. I have seen in my family where is takes almost 10 years until MIL and DIL are finally cool with eachother. These MIL and DIL (daughter in law) problems are centuries old! Lol!
Ignore nasty comments and do not show her that anything she says bothers you. Remain calm and polite with her anyway, no matter how hard. Do not keep your daughters away from her. Make them close to their Dadi.
Your daughter's epilepsy is a test for you from Allah Ta'lah swt. It is not a punishment. Over 50 million people suffer from it in the world at any one time. Be very patient with her. Not all epilepsy syndromes are life-long. Some are confined to particular stages of childhood. Get help from Docs and they will show you how to care for your daughter. Inshallah, you will be a great mom and bring them up wonderfully. Allah Ta'lah swt said that anyone who brings up two daughters with love and respect will be shown Jannat, Inshallah.
Take all your MIL's comments with a pinch of salt.
get a burlap sack and 12 alley cats, then put the lady in the burap sack, add the cats, carefully close the sack and then gently beat the sack with a 2X4 for a 30 seconds, whenever you see movement in teh sack slow down, add another couple of whacks...
she will be lakri ki tarah seedhi after that.
Ha ha!
I wish I had come to you for MIL DIL advice years ago! This would have been the perfect remedy! Lol!
i too think ur saas is crazy like most saasus r.anyways if u r truly determined to win her may b start flattering her.these old ladies love"je ammi je ammi""Please tell me wat to do..kia keron,kaisay keron" meanwhile u don't always hav to to obey her but pretend as if u cant live without her advice.Also involve her in taking care of ur kids.this will keep her either busy or at a distance.also whenever u see her comlpaining toa visitor join them n act:jee main khud paraishan hoon...aap he kuch mashwara dain."n praise ur saas to the very end.this way ppls sympathy will b with u n ur saas might not like it n stop her nonsense.
My father was epileptic. He lead a normal ,perfect life. He himself was a high achiever. He raised 6 perfectly normal kids who became high achievers and contribute a lot of good to the society and strive to eradicate bad. Epilepsy does not mean end of life.
Your saas's opinion should not matter to you. She seems like a wierd person. Whatever she says "aik kaan say sunno and dosray say nikkal do". Just be respectful and maybe she'll turn around but I highly doubt it.
Focus all your energy into your daughter and her well being. Whenever you get frustrated with your saas. Chanel that energy into bringing love and joy to your daughters. If you let them see that it bothers you - they will pick up on it.
Don't let your saas's views hold much importance in your life. If she wants to tell other people that you don't take care of the child - let her. Truth usually comes out. You don't even need to defend yourself. People will see you for what you are and for what see is.
I have 2 little daughters, the elder one is very often ill since she suffers from epilepsy. What can i do that my saas starts to accept me... she says im dumb and dont know anything, i can but im never given the chance coz she says tum nahin kar sakti ho 4get it. *She is khaffa that i have 2 girls esp that one is ill and blames me for everything *:( well my baby is 2 years and 9 months old and can only say a few words and understands few sentences. She has hidden the whole epilepsy story and tells everyone that I, her mom, doesnt talk to the kid thats why she cannot talk etc etc.
What should/must/can i do that she starts liking me? Plz help me, i want her to like me and want her not 2 say wrong things about me.
Firstly, God bless you for being so nice, despite what your mother in law is doing. I dont know how in this day and age people would blame a mother for having daughters.
have your own say n position afterall it's ur children u r raising up and who can even think better for them except the mother. donot pay heed to what she disscusses. the more u listen n take care of her comments, the more active she will bcum. u can never win her heart as this has always been a dream and their expectations are never met. so, leave bothtering abt her and have ur own life. get absorbed in ur kids as they need more of u and do not think abt her just ignore her.
well my baby is 2 years and 9 months old and can only say a few words and understands few sentences. She has hidden the whole epilepsy story and tells everyone that I, her mom, doesnt talk to the kid thats why she cannot talk etc etc.
just be urself and inshallah things will come ur way one day. be there for ur girls. The sex of your child is not upto you and therefore she cant blame you for that…
Anyways, some people have posted advice that might help. Good luck with everything.