Well sometimes people have to help themselves in order for others to help them. I would let them know of different other activities or venues or things to do get themselves busy and engaged in. I was in that stage for a longer period of time but for me marriage is only one part of life and it happens when it is suppose to happen so I use to travel, organize social activities, do volunteering etc.
We have been brain washed from an early age that marriage is the ultimate goal of life or you are nothing if you are not married. Even in Islam marriage is a sunnah not a farz. So if you want to get married and are not getting married due to any x,y,z reason continue you effort but also live your life as wasting it in worries will not do any good for any one.
If you want to get married, you have to become marriage material.
If you want to find your Prince Charming, you have to become Princess Charming.
Be the kind of person you want to attract. If you look for certain qualities, make sure you possess them too and if you don’t, there’s no reason you cannot get there.
I know what NaMaan stated was harshly put but I think what he’s trying to say is…you have to become an active part of your solution if that is what you deem to be your solution.
You can’t just wait for life to happen.
For those who know they can improve themselves…do it.
I agree that should be the way! I tell them same that yes by all means put in all the hard work for your marriage possibilities however don’t make it the only aim of your life. Some of them just want it so bad that it actually breaks your heart to see them in such a hopeless state.
err either u didn’t get my point or I didn’t. lolz!
the topic was NOT about finding your prince charming! it was normal girls finding difficult finding a normal guy to marry. Simple.
This wasn’t about expectations which we all have and i know we can get unrealistic at times but these girls that i was particularly talking about, I feel they are at such a point where they are actually ready to do with a lot less than they deserve only because they want it so bad.
Society causes these problems not the girls. Why shouldn’t we educate girls and delay marriage a bit?
This 30’s argument is totally bogus btw and people need to get facts straight.
Most degrees are completed by early 20’s - a college education should not keep anyone from marriage so parents need to stop preventing girls from going to school. Most of you went to college but even abroad there are families that limit education although it’s a beautiful benefit not available in Pakistan. Talk about being “na shukri” about opportunities afforded to us in the west.
Placing timing of marriage as a priority over waiting for a good match and waiting for education is simply leading to more ignorance. Then Muslims wonder why they’re so behind in the world. Educate your women and your community progresses.
Pregnancy happens safely in the 30’s. Risk for Down syndrome starts going up at 35 and beyond but that’s still rare. Most women even in their late 30’s will have normal babies.
Not all families from pak/India are into early marriages. Most of the women in families I’m related to got married in our 30’s, but then most girls did more than a bachelors and many girls I know are career women. So their marriages happened later. But they did get married in their 30’s and to good guys. And their babies are not messed up.
In fact we have one birth defect in the family and the mom was 28 when she had the kid.
I mean I dunno maybe the trends seen on these forums are skewed. Nothing wrong with marrying later. Key is marry when you’re ready and to the right person. If that’s at 21 great that worked for you but you can’t be a nazi and push that on everyone else.
I disagree with this. I’ve only come across a small percentage of women/girls who are having issue finding a spouse because they’re lacking. I find the biggest problem with the girls in our culture is that they’re willing to put up with pretty much anything. I’m shocked sometimes when I see threads on this forum about some of the compromises women are willing to make just to get married or stay married. Yes being marriage material means there is some sacrifice, some compromise and selflessness involved. But we put too much burden on women to uphold this aspect of a marriage and not enough on the men.
There was a time when marriage was a necessity, these days with women being independent and self sufficient, marriage is more about a partnership. But I think we’re still teaching our girls that their life’s goal should be marriage and that they are not complete without a man. Yes, in an ideal world everyone wants a partner, but it shouldn’t be the end all and be all. You should have an identity as an individual first and foremost. Even in the workplace you make compromises and sacrifices for the benefit of the team/company, and marriage is no different. Its also important that we teach our boys the importance of compromise and sacrifice in a marriage as well.
To the OP I think its hard at this stage to really say anything that comforts girls who are going through this situation. After a lifetime of that kind of mentality it’s difficult to get someone to think otherwise. You can only hope that things work out for them and be there to listen to their fears and concerns.
Normal as in they look fine, are well educated, nice and decent girls belonging to good families.
Normal guys!
As human beings we all have our observations and views so based on that i said what i did. When we see a nice person, we wish they end up with a similar person too. I don’t see the rocket science in that.
Yes but the problem is that all this is subjective. Let’s talk about choosing a guy as an example since your thread is about girl’s finding “normal guys”: Many women (including many in this forum) choose to marry someone from overseas and sponsor them for visas (and yes, they choose to take that risk). Yet other girl’s won’t consider this as an option due to the fear of being used for a visa. Many girls out here are perfectly ok with a guy with a Bachelor degree while others insist on a MBA, MD or some other graduate degree. Many women are willing to live with in-laws in a joint family situation…while for other women this is a deal-breaker. The list goes on and on.
This is not an issue that can be simplified by saying normal girls should find normal guys or a nice person should end up with someone similar. With the girls you know…the fact is that you don’t know know what their individual criterias are, and what type of rishtas they have rejected on what basis. Choosing a spouse…especially with desis…really is “rocket science” b/c it involves many factors other than “normal” and “nice”.
There was a time when people used to get married without ever meeting the potential spouse. I am sure that many of you, who have grand parents alive, can check with them and they might give you a personal testimony that that your dadi saw your dada after nikah for the first time, etc.
Yes, I know that risks were involved in marrying someone without ever meeting, but the parents of the couple would do the ground work. They would make the choice, which was based on sharafat of khandan, parha likha larka, and sughhar larki. It seems that based on the thinking of our society, those simple criteria were enough. Dulha had no one else to compare his wife with but his own mother and sisters.
Now that we want our own say also in our marriage, and we live in a more open society, I want my wife to look like Katrina, and have intelligence like Fatima Bhutto, and should speak like Nadia Khan. The competition is (unnecessarily) tough, and when the competition gets tough, more people lose.
I know we can never go back to the good ol days, but we can at least use them as a benchmark.
Do you think all these women who are afraid or have reservations about marrying someone from overseas are not justified? I am sure you must be aware of many incidents which can make anyone wary of the whole deal.
Everyone have their preferences including boys and girls. So its unfair to only single out the girls. If an educated girl wants an educated guy, i wouldnt call that a demand…its only common sense in my opinion.
And when i made this topic believe me i was talking from the experience of knowing these girls quite well. If they were honest enough to share their hardships, they were honest with the details too. I for one would agree with you that people can get very demanding and unrealistic at times so i know where your views might be coming from. However these girls in particular, they are far from being demanding. I don’t think they are asking too much at all.
Bottom line is, your destiny has an important role to play in all this. So one must do their best and leave the rest to Allah. However, as human beings there are bound to be disappointments, periods of depression but this is the time when you family and friends should step in. Heck the society should step in and be supportive.
Bilkul Sahi! Funny how these people have no importance for the girl’s education, family background and most importanly her character! All they want is if she is tall enough, slim enough, fair enough, model like enough. I mean wth? If she was all that, wouldn’t she be in bollywood right now :p. lol
jokes aside, i sometimes feel purane din shahyed behtar hi they…im sure most of u can’t imagine ourself saying yes to a rishta without seeing the prospect…however i am sure most of us can’t imagine ourself being put in front of others as a showpiece either.
Of course not marrying someone from overseas is justified. Which is why I acknowledged in the previous post that women who choose this route are taking a risk. On the flip side, girls who are not willing to take this risk should not be shocked if the pool of eligible men for them is smaller.
I never said an educated girl should not want an educated guy. My point was that once again…if a girl, even if she herself has a graduate degree, insists on someone with a graduate degree and rejects guys b/c they only have a Bachelors…then she should not be shocked if she’s having a harder time finding a guy.
I can’t comment much on this b/c again…this is all subjective. The girls/their families may seem great to you but you have no idea how the acted/what was said during a rishta meeting. And the guy’s side may have had their own reasons for rejecting them. As we all know…there are always 2 sides to a story…and then there’s the truth. While I have no doubt you have been told by these girls what experiences they went through, you must keep in mind that you only heard their own perception of the situation which MIGHT be biased.
Bottom line also is that we all (guys AND girls) need to live with the choices we made. I chose to wait and married in my 30’s. Most of my friends/co-workers marry in their 30’s. Yet I do know a few girls who are in their mid to late 30’s and still single…can’t find someone despite looking for years. If a girl chooses to wait for marriage for whatever reason…there is nothing wrong with that. But she should also realize that there are consequences to that decision. She may have a fulfilling/thriving career BUT may also have a very difficult time finding a spouse…especially if she is insisting on her spouse being Pakistani and meeting ALL her criterias (even if those criterias are reasonable). That’s just the realities of life. It all goes back to supply and demand and unfortunately, there is not a lack of beautiful girls in their early to mid 20’s available for marriage who are also nice and come from decent families. So men don’t really have to “compromise” when it comes a girl’s age if they want someone young. This has nothing to do with what’s right and wrong…its just the realities of our society and this will not change anytime soon.
If you look at the long term histroy, the old system probably worked more successfully than the new approach. Yes one can argue about the cons of ‘joint family system’ and presence of ‘male dominance’ in the old system, but there were plenty of pros also.
That’s the thing though…what you may think is normal is not normal for someone else.
My point is…if you really want to get married badly…then you have to do something about it. You cannot just wait for things to happen. Position yourself in a way where you can get a guy you like.
You want a handsome guy? Do you look good?
You want an educated guy? How well can you match him?
You want a rich guy? Well…why would he invest in you?
You want a fit guy? Where is your six pack?
Everyone subconsciously looks for a partner that is their match. So…be that match.
Its not the nicest thing to hear but it is how we function when we are looking for people. You see a guy’s picture and you immediately judge whether or not he’s a good fit for you physically without knowing his beshumar qualities…you judge because attraction is important to you. But when you see a guy you like…are you sure he will like you back? Do you look like the kind of girl he might want?
Putting blame on society or men or anything else renders women powerless…at the mercy of our berehem mashra and I don’t think that’s right. Yes, our society has faults but let’s not use that as a cop out or an excuse to not have to work on ourselves.
I think major reason is that the unpredictably of that situation. at least 6 out of 10 times, because of pregnancy, hubby’s job transfers, or other family situations, it becomes hard for the girl to continue her education.
