PSquared, hold a baby in your arms, and then have some one pull it out of your arms when your not looking, whoever it is, put your self in that situation and then think about my reaction
I am a grown up, i was stating that i am leaving, my son is too tired now and we have a 2 hour journey to get back home
then have some one say “koi Fark nehi parta”
Yes i know i am not the only one with a baby, and because of that i know how tired, tense and exhausted you can get, how one day the baby is eating /sleeping normally and then the next day he/she is al over the place and doesn’t want to eat, wont sleep till 2 am in the morning and your there with him the whole time ignoring your own needs and looking after him.
why should my Khala feel horrible if i want to leave, i have taken my Leave from my host, i am INFORMING my MOTHER as a courtesy.
My husband didn’t egg me on, and Qudos to your sister for looking after her baby so well, i divide the responsibility too, but in all of this, don’t you think parents know how tired their child is and when he is going into overdrive and need to get him home to get heim calm again?
well u did get reasonable advice if u take it positively. we all felt that u don't like ur khalas n mamu n thus acted so strongly to something that wasn't really big. yes i hav kids n i know how stressful it can be. but when i'm around family even at friend's house i let go. i let others hold n take care of my baby so i could hav some nice time too. fact is i don't keep them in my lap whole time but leave them in their stroller, car seat or with someone.
now i'll giv u my eaxample. my baby is 9 months old. we were invited to a friend's house this Sat. there were 5 other families invited too.everyone was holding n playing with the baby but she cried for me so they kept returning her to me. we left at 12pm coz she was over-tired n cried constantly. my others still wanted to stay coz all kids were enjoying. even at midnight everyone said same thing to me"itni jaldi ja rahi ho?" (n they all hav kids). so i just said" sorry yar. ager ab aur dair ki tu ye sari raat roti rehay gee." then i hugged everyone n we left.
first time moms r usually very protective but letting go n relaxing will make things easy for u.
i thought that i would get some reasonable advice here, i forgot that Life forum turns into a lynching mob, that hasn't changed at all.
i know that i made some mistakes but i do my best to resolve them and try not to repeat them.
You asked for honest opinions. While I agree that some comments are unnecessarily harsh and uncalled for, most are not. Most are just telling you what you don't want to hear.
PSquared, hold a baby in your arms, and then have some one pull it out of your arms when your not looking, whoever it is, put your self in that situation and then think about my reaction
I am a grown up, i was stating that i am leaving, my son is too tired now and we have a 2 hour journey to get back home
then have some one say "koi Fark nehi parta"
Yes i know i am not the only one with a baby, and because of that i know how tired, tense and exhausted you can get, how one day the baby is eating /sleeping normally and then the next day he/she is al over the place and doesn't want to eat, wont sleep till 2 am in the morning and your there with him the whole time ignoring your own needs and looking after him.
why should my Khala feel horrible if i want to leave, i have taken my Leave from my host, i am INFORMING my MOTHER as a courtesy.
My husband didn't egg me on, and Qudos to your sister for looking after her baby so well, i divide the responsibility too, but in all of this, don't you think parents know how tired their child is and when he is going into overdrive and need to get him home to get heim calm again?
I am putting myself in that situation right now and trying to think if I was talking to someone and was holding a baby...say my niece for example...and my mamu reaches from behind and takes the baby from my arms...what would I do? I would be startled for sure...Im positive your mamu wasnt shaking the baby or trying to hurt him so his physical safety isnt the question here. I would be a smidge surprised, would turn around and see who it was and then HAND THE BABY OVER...without blowing up at my mamu. I know my uncle cares for my niece...he cant keep himself away from her. I wouldnt have minded if he took her from me.
Your khala would have minded you leaving early...its a family wedding and since you're so closely related...you should stay. There are ways to work around this if you REALLY wanted to work around it. There are other women out there who have kids, talk to them and ask them for ideas on what they do at functions that run late. My BIL sometimes walks my niece around on his shoulder until she falls asleep and then waits in the car if its DIRELY important they stay. You're acting like you've got the only kid in the world with an abnormal sleeping pattern and that one night would have ruined his and your entire life.
You asked for our HONEST opinions on what we thought about your behavior and we gave them. If someone was being unreasonable and demanding your time away from your child at 2am...I understand. But this isnt one of those scenarios where you were treated unjustly...you were wrong. If I told you BRAVO, YOU GO GIRL FOR TELLING OFF YOUR MAMU FOR WANTING TO HOLD YOUR KID...I am sure you would have thanked me. But your post didnt ask us to tell you what you wanted to hear...you specifically asked for honesty and you got it.
You do have some growing up to do...you cant lose it everytime someone does something YOU dont like and you cant pick and choose what YOU consider honesty. It is what it is...next time an adult approaches you...be respectful. Its your job, you are younger and their child...becoming a mother should have reminded of that instead of helping your forget it. Call your mamu and khala and apologize...I am sure your mother is embarassed right now as well.
well mama the thing is if these same relatives start igoring ur kid u'll hurt k mery bachchay ko pochtay tak nahi. my pov is when u r at a family gathering there's no need to act as alert as u r standing on a street n fear someone will abduct ur child.
I understand that when we are feeling stressed…we might snap at others. Nobody is perfect. I have highlighted in red statements from your original post that I feel deserve attention.
Your mamoo would NEVER attempt to kidnap or hurt your baby in front of a crowd of people. If he had any ill-will toward your baby…he would have done it more discreetly…and not in front of an audience. So, please keep this point in consideration. It’s not like your mamoo was “up to no good”. He simply wanted to show your child some affection and failed to go about it in the more appropriate way.
Yes, I agree that it would have been more tactful if your Mamoo had at least made himself more visible to you while reaching out for your baby. But perhaps he wanted to “surprise” you in the “teasing” sort of way that uncles and aunts in a family have. It naturally startled you…yes. But in our desi culture…elders have that sort of carefree attitude toward their nieces and nephews that stems from familiarity AND comfort.
I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings. As I said earlier…your uncle could have asked or at least made himself more visible to you. BUT…if you were upset…you could have communicated your feelings differently. That man is not a stranger. To him, you are like his daughter…and he probably sees your baby as his “grandchild” in a way. The same way that your **OWN **father can take the baby out of your arms without having to always seek permission…your mamoo thinks of you as his own kid.
Mistakes can be made out of malice…and mistakes can be made out of love. What your uncle did was not out of malice…his mistake was more out of affection/love. And it did not warrant a harsh reaction. We ALL do things without thinking but should we always be made a public spectacle for our mistakes? Your mamoo had NO intention to hurt or humiliate you…then why did you have to embarrass him in front of other people? What if you had made a mistake without thinking…would you feel comfortable with being yelled at in front of an audience? And that too during a celebratory occasion such as a wedding?
You were startled…yes…but after calming down, you could have politely said **“Mamoo, you startled me by sneaking up on me like that. Next time, can you please make sure that I can at least see you…so the baby and I don’t get scared.” ** That’s it! That’s all you had to do. A more calmer response would have maintained his dignity as well as yours.
Isn’t that a comparatively better way of talking to your Mamoo than saying, “How DARE you take my son like that?”
And YOU YOURSELF mentioned in your above post that you stupidly left your baby there because you KNEW he would be safe. OKAY…if you KNEW the baby would be SAFE with your relatives…then why get so worked up? If you trust your baby with them…then shouldn’t you relax a bit? I doubt you’d leave your baby behind with people who aren’t overall good and trustworthy individuals.
If you could so “stupidly” leave behind your child with your mamoo because you KNOW him and are COMFORTABLE with him…then can’t you try to understand that your mamoo “stupidly” reached for your child without asking because he felt comfortable with you and thought of you as a daughter??? Well???
Situation B
Regardless of how “nosy” and “meddling” your khala might be…she wouldn’t have pushed you to stay longer at the wedding if she didn’t love you. The issue here is not your Khala’s personality traits. As the hostess, she wanted you to stay longer. It’s something that many hostesses…even those that are not related to you…will do. When my mom has a party and guests say that they have to leave…my mom will say “Koi baat nahin. Stay a little longer.”
Her saying that “it won’t make a difference” is her way of saying “koi baat nahin”…it’s her way of encouraging you to relax so you can stay at the wedding longer.
You could have said something like** “Aunti…my baby can get more rambunctious than your 9-year-old if it’s past his bed time. And it’s getting late and the drive back is long. The wedding was really beautiful and the food was delicious. Thank you so much for inviting us and we’ll keep in touch.” **Sometimes you have to REPEAT yourself with elders until they finally let the matter go.
That would be a more light-hearted response as opposed to the sassy **“it doesn’t make a difference to you but it does to me.”
**
I’m not on a mission to make you feel bad, hon. My intention is not to offend you. I understand that weddings can get hectic for everyone…including the guests…especially those with babies. But the families invest a lot of money and time in arranging a wedding and encourage the guests to stay longer and enjoy themselves.
I think that the reason you created this thread…is because…deep deep deep down in your heart you are at odds with yourself about the way your responded to your relatives. There’s a rankling feeling of “unease” within you. **If you were 100% comfortable and satisfied and AT PEACE with your response to your mamoo/khala…you wouldn’t feel the need to create this thread. ** But even YOU are not 100% sure or satisfied with the way you behaved…and that is the main reason why you’re here. Could there be some subconscious feeling of remorse/guilt that you’re not wanting to accept? Think about it, sweetheart.
I don't think people are trying to be harsh (ie:skhan- genuinely nice person and a feminist at heart), I think they're tryna lighten the mood and also understand why she's getting so mad :(
ur husband needs to grow a spine and tell u when u r wrong.
There is no need to disrespect an elder in a public place. Sure you might nto have liked what he/she did, but to humiliate them infront of everyone, in my opinion, is humiliating urself. One day, ur kid will grow up, and who knows... might behave in the same manner towards you.
Both situations could be handled differently.
Really. There will be one person at any given event who will tell u to stay behind and the baby will cope. Yes, you are the mother and you know his/her routine. But you dont need to insult someone else to get ur point across. Just let them know, ur tired as well and the bubz wont let u enjoy urself any further hence you've gotta go. There have been countless times ive done that... and noone says anything! yes they might ask u to stay a lil longer.. its just a common courtesy thing anyone will do and say... u dont need to take it personally.
you were plain rude. anyone who would have witnessed the scene would not think highly of your mannerisms with elders.your husband is simply wrong in supporting you here; he should have told you to apologize with your elders.
Harsh words but I think you were wrong in both situations..
Most women have children but doesn't give them the right to be rude..
1) The first incident.. Your mamu is in place of your father.. to react so badly would have not done much for how people perceive you and again it is easy to snap back but in public it makes things far worse..
For you to post here, means you realised that somewhere you realise you went wrong.. I am sure advice given by other Guppies will give you insight on how to react in future
in the first incident...that was a complete over reaction...i mean it wasnt like it was some random person grabbing ur baby..u could SEE that it was ur mamu no matter how ur mamu feels about u or whatever...and i dnt know bout u but ppl dnt generallly say 'can i hold ur baby' especially not family...i really dont get what the big deal is...but it must be quite a big deal for u as u feel so strongly about it even now
in the second incident..it was easily something u could have laughed off and said no we really have to go with a smile on ur face...if ur she sed oh yes yes u go...she wouldnt have been doing her job as a family member if she dnt tell u to stay longer....i mean its usually a good thing when someone insists u stay rather than push u out the door...and i dont know bout ur family but my auntys etc are quite loud and often just say things that we might not like but we've been taught to bite our tongue and not answer back regardless of the fact we are adults...cos they are our elders...
BUT having said that all this is over and done with and u just have to draw a line under it but for the future i think u need to.......calm down maybe....
WOW.. my honest opinion, no offense but you were EXTREMELY rude to your mamu.
I donno but from what you described, seems like you dont have much respect or value for your extended family and you get ticked off very easily.. Please correct me if I am wrong.
You definitely owe an apology to your Uncle, thats really insulting and embarrasing if anyone does that (& your his niece) especially since he was trying to hold your child out of love. Imagine how he must have felt.
That was very disrespectful. I would never want to hold your child again if I was your uncle.
You really should evaluate yourself but for you to post a topic here seems like you do realize something was wrong with your behavior. You should definitely do something about it, maybe anger management classes or read the quran/hadith, you will realize sometimes its better not to say anything on such trivial issues and be the better person :)
