Re: His Money / My Money
Islamically the husband is not allowed to commit the money of his wife to any cause without her making that promise herself. He should also let his parents know that it is coming out of her fund and not his money.
He would never do that, because his folks would never accept the money if they find out it's coming from my savings...
Re: His Money / My Money
Stop being so selfish.
Re: His Money / My Money
He would never do that, because his folks would never accept the money if they find out it's coming from my savings...
Peace Siren
You need to establish clear grounds for financing yourselves as a couple who earn money together. Strictly in Islam your money is yours and his belongs to him and all his dependants albeit in varying proportions (and that includes his parents). You can make it easier for him by pledging a part of saving as his right ... for example if you have a house fund for a property that you are purchasing and both of your names are signatories - 50:50 if that was the verbal agreement between you, then strictly half of your savings for the house fund has already been donated to your husband.
If he chooses to donate the $15k without your permission then it will come out of his portion, if he donates it with your permission you need to specifically agree that $7.5k of it is coming out of your half. This should be done to protect yourselves from injustices. If it comes out of his portion then you will be the major stakeholder of the property by a difference of $15k until he puts $15k of his money back in (after he has dealt with his dependants) or you forgive him the amount. People should not put guilt trips on you ... they have no right to tell how you should be with your own right, but of course to be generous and donating is indeed better for you and Allah (SWT) will reward you greatly, inshaAllah.
Re: His Money / My Money
no money, no honey :p
Re: His Money / My Money
OP, Kabhi koi naiki ka kaam bhi karna chahiye.... it might come handy in future because what goes around comes around!
Re: His Money / My Money
Thank you all for your advice. I will try to be less selfish in the future.
Re: His Money / My Money
An update to this thread…His parents ended up not needing the money so didn’t become a big issue…But now I’ve startd learning more and more things about my husband which I’m not a fan of…
He’s awful at money management. Even though he earns 6 figures, he keeps giving out significant chunks to his extended family whether they need it or not. I like that he sends money to his parents regularly, but it’s not just them. He regularly gives money to his sister, brother, brother’s wife, brother’s wife’s sisters, first/second/third cousins, etc. This isn’t even including gifts which have to be extravagant, because his extended family expects the world from us just because we live abroad. Same thing with his friends. We spend a small fortune every time one of his friends gets married, but not one of them gave him anything when we got married. I feel like they (his friends) are just using him, but he can’t see that because he’s too naiive. All this on top of the current economic climate is really stressing me out.
Now I’ve noticed that he has started making promises to people (i.e. to help them out financially) when he knows he has no money of his own left to commit. I think he just expects that I’ll offer up my savings just like I have in the past. I’m trying so hard to save for a house now and we’re also trying for a baby soon. I feel like he isn’t supporting me at all. What can I do to make him understand?? Am I totally in the wrong here?
Re: His Money / My Money
It’s commendable that he’s generous with friends and family, MA…and let him know this…as well as that it shouldn’t come at the expense of his own security. Is he also interested in buying a house? If so and if that’s a common goal, then have you tried working with him to set a budget as to how much should be spent on gifts and how often? That way he’s not being prevented altogether; he’ll have some flexibility and it’ll allow you both to work toward saving for a home. Trying to convince him that his friends and family are not genuine or that they won’t reciprocate in kind might backfire and close his mind toward your arguments especially if he’s very close to them. So, instead focus on how to manage the expenditures together.
Re: His Money / My Money
Yes he’s interested in buying a house too (perhaps more so than me). And yes, I’ve already tried the budgeting route. I even force him to sit down with me at the end of each month to go over all our bills and stuff. We are always overspending and I think it freaks him out, so he never wants to do it. We’ve had really big fights over it too. I’m a planner, so I like to have all my ducks in a row, and he’s like “things have a way of working out , money isn’t everything, you worry too much, blah blah blah”.
I’ve explained this to him, I’ve yelled, screamed and even cried over this, and his reaction is just to placate me and then go about his business doing whatever the hell he feels like doing. I feel like he doesn’t value my opnion or my feelings. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m the stingy b****, and this is really taking a toll on my relationship…
Re: His Money / My Money
Um… why is this money automatically coming out of your fund? Hes a muslim man, he should know that he is not even allowed to touch his wifes money without asking her. what the hell?
Re: His Money / My Money
I know I will get shot down but I will dare and go on: I just love how “Islamic” girls on this forum get when it comes to money and husbands not being able to touch it… comes again and again.
In every other aspect and issue girls want a post-modern relationship.
(This isn’t to the OP: OP its not easy and there is no complete right or wrong. Over time your influence on your hubby will increase; its perhaps not fair to expect him to change drastically soon after marriage - it will take time but you will get there 
)
Re: His Money / My Money
Let me tell you something..i am NOT good with money management either. I tend to give away people when they need em. Especially family..however i would hate to be yelled or getting mad at financial issues. It stresses me out i know. So what i do..i just don’t talk about it. Annnoys as hell..i know!..but what helps..people like us..as if someone can motivate us not to spend too much and be kind. It is not easy to change back..once the money management goes bad.
Lately..with the help of my best friend..who is accountant..he is helping me managing my money and to be honest with you..i started saving up. My friend..never judges me or critiques me. That’s what motivates me to be honest which helps me manage my money. Like your husband..eventually insha’allah i would like to buy house of my own as well. But that requires..quiet a bit down-payment. It’s not easy to buy a house like that. It would be few year…until i am able to buy a house Insha’Allah.
Re: His Money / My Money
Yeah comes off as a bit selfish..when you start talking about my money vs. his money, especially when he is throwing his money to keep you happy. He doesn’t have that mentality, you shouldn’t either. He has a big heart, grow with him and develop a big heart also. You’re on the same team, your mentality should be it’s “our” money. He will get blessings for his big heart and helping his family. He seems like a gem of a guy.
The real issue is spending habits and savings. That is perfectly reasonable and acceptable for you two to sit down and have a talk about how to start saving. Create a budget and every month put 10% in a retirement fund and another 10% in a savings account. Dont wait until end of the month to go over bills, plan in advance. Whatever you have left over use that for a vacation, if didn’t save enough to go on a vacation after putting money in savings then forgo vacation. This is an easy issue to resolve but need to remain calm and level headed, don’t judge him or accuse him of overspending. Guys try to shy away when the wife gets overly emotional or stressed out or angry so try to remain calm. You’re being reasonable about planning for the future. And yes he should not be throwing out money to friends or cousins, he’s trying to live up to his image perhaps which is why he feels he needs to give extravagantly because everyone thinks he is really rich and well off. Try to see his perspective for why he’s doing this. It’ll help you better approach it. But youre right in this regard, he needs to stop handing out his money to people who arent his immediate family. Also look up youtube videos on how to save–plenty of resources and sample budgets.
Re: His Money / My Money
I completely agree with @taffer87. Im not talking about the OP per say but seriously what’s wrong with some desi women today..
When it fits their self-interest, religion gets invoked every single time..where did that mentality go about working together with husband and doing for each other. Such selfish, self-centered and relationship destroying mindsets on this forum. Even when they have amazing husbands who are selfless and constantly do for them but ask for their assistance or help, they still end up making such selfish comments and adopt mindsets that hurt the relationship. Its always about “what have you done for me lately” mindset. So bad. Just look at some of the replies on this thread. Is this how your mother treated your father?
Scary man..I wouldn’t be able to last if my future wife had such selfish thoughts while I hope to shower her with love and treat her like royalty. I pray I find a woman with a big heart who is giving and loving, that’s all I want, now a days even that is asking for too much. Just wow.
Re: His Money / My Money
People aren 't farishtay. We all can be self-centered and careless and jealous and petty from time to time. The important thing is to be able check yourself, to realize your mistakes and to get back to making things work.
His Money / My Money
Everyone can say people become selfish with the whole his money vs my money but in the OP’s case its not her responsibility to be bailing her husband out constantly while he chucks his money around. Helping parents is a different ball game thats his responsibility as their child and if she wants to help thats fine.
My hubby earns well mashallah but is rubbish at money management so i manage it. However we have a clear rule he manages the household bills and I do the saving and pay for and days out etc. what he gives to his mum i dont ask and none of my business really as long as i can see rent utilities etc all paid.
That said its not a case of where we wont help each other out. There was a time i was jobless after marriage so he paid my bills i had cc and phone bill etc and if theres a shortage for some reason or another il help him out
But OP honestly if youre guna save flr that hojse u cant keep dishing ur savings out. Or simply keep saving and refuse to buy until u can see more stabilitiy in the way ur hubby manages his money.
Having a kid and house etc is a big responsibility so make sure you make him understand he needs to stop “helping” everyone out for the sake of it. Whats the worse theyl say? Hes kanjoos. Big deal. Rather that then be broke
Re: His Money / My Money
Yeah he shouldn’t be wasting money on outsiders (friends and extended family), but it sounds like it isnt a 50-50 split of expensives between husband and wife–he basically uses his money to pay for all bills, spends his money on his wife to give her a lavish lifestyle, trips and vacations and doesn’t let her spend her money. If you want to keep count, it sounds like he’s easily spent over $15,000 on her. He’s essentially asking for a loan from her and the girls are saying you don’t have to give it to him. Of course she doesn’t have to, but it’s extremely selfish. He seems like the type of decent guy who wouldn’t say a word and would happily offer to give his own money to help the girls parents out if that time ever came. Can’t just keep taking and taking and when the time comes to give then act all selfish about it and say that’s not my responsibility.
Since you girls like to keep count, why dont you suggest that OP stop using his money and start spending her own money on the lifestyle, vacations and expensive then yes she doesn’t have to spend anything on the guys parents, she’ll have no responsibility to guys family.
Re: His Money / My Money
Are you for real? if he spends on his wife its because he wants to not because he HAS to. And OP hasnt suggested that shes taking her husband for a ride and she has helped him out before. Its clear he choses to manage the house while she raises money to secure their future with a property. But seriously if he wants to loan money to his bhabis brothers wifes sister or whatever thats HIS responsibility. He should ask OP instead to help out in their household if its so much of an issue not take money from her so he can be generous dude who lavishes money at people.
Shes stated he spends alot but no one does the same on return so maybe he habituated to spending and showing his wealth.
Sorry if my husband asked me to lend 15k or watever amount for his family my answer would be no. Simply because i wouldnt expect him to bail a random relative of mine. Parents is different. He has a responsibility as she does towards hers. And clearly she has goals to secure her future not bailing out random relatives.
Re: His Money / My Money
Like I said I think we can all agree that he shouldn’t be throwing away his money on friends and random relatives, he’s clearly trying to live up to his image as a wealthy man and as the big shot in the family (it makes men feel good) but he needs to stop until he first creates a strong financial foundation for himself and his wife. I get that.
But he’s asking his wife for a loan for his parents (not random family members) after spending a good portion of his money on her, while telling her to keep her money and not spend a dime on herself he will do everything for her. Hes now asking for a loan for his elderly parents, only 3 months (not 3 years) worth of savings for OP, but look at the response of some of the posters on this thread. If a husband can’t depend on his wife who can he depend on?!
What exactly is the purpose of marrying a desi woman if according to these threads even the most loving and giving husband should not expect anything from them? Why does it always have to be a dividing “my vs. his” tone instead of a collaborative “we or us or ours or do for each other” tone? Where did some of you women acquire this type of attitude? Because when I look at mothers and how they treat their husband’s and vice versa, I rarely see this type of dividing mindset or keeping count or “what have you done for me lately” mindsets that are prevelant on this forum. Imagine our moms keeping count of how many times they brought our fathers chai or ironed his shirt or cooked dinner–now a days G-d forbid I ask my future wife to get me chai. I’m genuinely curious to learn about the thought process and mindset of the modern desi women. I’ll need to understand it before I can conquer it 
Re: His Money / My Money
Word of gold i tell you man..word of gold. It’s all about collaboration and team work. Nothing in life ever stay same. Life has lots of ups and downs..from relationship, finance, to house, in-laws attitudes..everything.
Bus yar…Allah say dua hai..May Allah give everyone good spouse..who is coolness to our eyes.