Sorry if this is a bit wordy, but please bear with me. I got married a year ago to a really nice guy. He insisted from the begining that he pay for everything and alhamdolillah he earned more than enough so that we’ve lived very comfortably, if not lavishly. Neither of us is particularly good with money, so we don’t have much in the way of savings from his salary. We go out a lot and taker a lot of trips, so whatever money is left over just gets used up there. That’s not a very big problem as I’m saving all of my salary to inshallah buy a house.
At the same time, his parents (who live in a different city from us) are renovating their house. My husband has promised them about $15k to help out. Since he doesn’t have any savings of his own, this amount will most likely come out of my house fund (which means we will have to wait longer to buy a house). I’m not against him helping his parents and I feel bad for my negative feelings on this issue, but even he admits that his parents have money saved up that they can use but my husband doesn’t want them to. His logic is that this would since he’s the eldest son, he is responsible for them and says to think of this like an investment since my father-in-law is retiring in a couple of years and the plan is that they will come live with us after that. Once they’ve sold their house, we’ll get our money back. That won’t be a problem if we had money to spare, but an amount this big would take me at least 2-3 months to save up again for our house.
I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way… How do I get rid of these feelings?
Sorry if this is a bit wordy, but please bear with me. I got married a year ago to a really nice guy. He insisted from the begining that he pay for everything and alhamdolillah he earned more than enough that we've lived very comfortably, if not lavishly. Neither of us is particularly good with money, so we don't have much in the way of savings from his salary. We go out a lot and taker a lot of trips, so whatever money is left over just gets used up there. That's not a very big problem as I'm saving all of my salary to inshallah buy a house.
At the same time, his parents (who live in a different city from us) are renovating their house. My husband has promised them about $15k to help out. Since he doesn't have any savings of his own, this amount will most likely come out of my house fund (which means we will have to wait longer to buy a house). I'm not against him helping his parents and I feel bad for my negative feelings on this issue, but even he admits that his parents have money saved up that they can use but my husband doesn't want them to. His logic is that this would since he's the eldest son, he is responsible for them and says to think of this like an investment since my father-in-law is retiring in a couple of years and the plan is that they will come live with us after that. Once they've sold their house, we'll get our money back. That won't be a problem if we had money to spare, but an amount this big would take me at least 2-3 months to save up again for our house.
I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way... How do I get rid of these feelings?
seems like you are talking about me. a guy who earns well but spends a lot .. and doesn't have much in the savings :(
Anyways - back to your question. To be honest, I would advise not to feel that way and my reason is that he is giving that money to his parents. Imagine how would you feel if your parents ask for help and your hubby makes a fuss out of it ? Parents are the most important thing in a persons life. If you want him to respect your parents, you should respect his as well.
Just try to block those negative feelings out by remembering that physical and material things dont matter, but relationships and family do. Your husband will be so happy to help his parents, his parents will give you both tons of duas and let that make you happy. :)
You just got to keep reminding yourself how you would feel if they were your parents and what would you do if they needed money. Just feel lucky it's a much smaller amount that isn't going to stall your house dreams for the next 20 years.
I hear you. You guys/gals are all right and I felt like a selfish cow even while I was typing it. I guess this has just been building for a while and I needed to get it out. This isn't the type of thing that I can share with someone close to me without damaging relations. The issue is that my husband is a little too free with money. He's always giving cash (up to thousands of dollars) and pricey gifts (e.g. a car in one instance) to all his siblings (even those older than him) and even before we got married, he would hand over most of his salary to his mom, give some to his siblings and keep only a small portion for himself. As a result, he had zero savings when we got married. I had most of my earnings from before marriage saved up because my parents have always stressed the importance of planning for the future. His family on the other hand, have a very "live-in-the-here-and-now" kind of mentality. Every time I try to bring up the topic of saving for the future, he gets really annoyed/stressed and we usually end up fighting. All this is starting to make me feel bitter about everything.... I guess this thing about investing in their house is just the straw that broke the camel's back (especially since he's also promised to pay for his twin brother's wedding even though he himself is earning good money). I have been keeping my feelings bottled up so far, but everytime he brings this up I feel like I'm gonna explode!
And just to clarify, his parents aren't "elderly". They're almost at the retiring age, but that's hardly considered "elderly" anymore.
help out the parents.
your husband is right in that they need their savings more then you/he does right now being young, hopefully healthy and employed ... whereas they are on verge of retirement.
how about curbing the "comfortable lifestyle" for 3 months? .... that way you/your husband will be able to make up the deficit faster.
and ermmm if i were you i'd start saving for your own retirement and old age too (in addition to saving for the house etc...)
I am little envy of your hubby. Looks like that not only he earns a good amount of salary, he is big with his heart. Be happy, and pray to God that he gets even more blessings.
He never asked to spend your money. You are living a great life and saving 100% of your salary. What if he asked you to pitch in from next month? Would u?
PS: Siren look at it in broader prospective, you love him, he loves you, he never gave you any trouble with money, waiting for 3..4…5 extra months for buying house is very small issue in longer run.
We go out a lot and taker a lot of trips, so whatever money is left over just gets used up there. That's not a very big problem as I'm saving all of my salary to inshallah buy a house.
BOTH of you are to blame for this situation.
1) You knew about his spending habits BEFORE you married him. Did you bother to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about how money will be handled after married? Nope.
2) You're also going out with him and taking those trips.
Although technically the savings is coming from your salary....you cannot think of it as "my" money. He's not thinking about his salary as "my" money when he pays for all the outings you go out with him or the trips you take. You wrote yourself that it will take it 2-3 months to save up that 15K. Heck you can control yourself and refuse to go on one trips and cut back on going out a bit....you can probably save up that 15K in LESS than 2-3 months.
Sorry if this is a bit wordy, but please bear with me. I got married a year ago to a really nice guy. He insisted from the begining that he pay for everything and alhamdolillah he earned more than enough so that we've lived very comfortably, if not lavishly. Neither of us is particularly good with money, so we don't have much in the way of savings from his salary. We go out a lot and taker a lot of trips, so whatever money is left over just gets used up there. That's not a very big problem as I'm saving all of my salary to inshallah buy a house.
At the same time, his parents (who live in a different city from us) are renovating their house. My husband has promised them about $15k to help out. Since he doesn't have any savings of his own, this amount will most likely come out of my house fund (which means we will have to wait longer to buy a house). I'm not against him helping his parents and I feel bad for my negative feelings on this issue, but even he admits that his parents have money saved up that they can use but my husband doesn't want them to. His logic is that this would since he's the eldest son, he is responsible for them and says to think of this like an investment since my father-in-law is retiring in a couple of years and the plan is that they will come live with us after that. Once they've sold their house, we'll get our money back. That won't be a problem if we had money to spare, but an amount this big would take me at least 2-3 months to save up again for our house.
I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way... How do I get rid of these feelings?
Simple: Do the right thing. be patient. and this feeling will go away.
^ Easier said than done. I get that he's trying to support his parents and that's his duty so I'm not denying it. But he also wants us to buy a house ASAP. I don't really care and am happy to live in a rental until we can buy a house without needing to take a mortgage (he's not too bothered about us potentially taking out a mortgage to buy a house). He just isn't being realistic about this. Now he wants to start investing in gold for his parents. Even his mom isn't too keen on the idea because gold is not the easiest thing to liquidate when you need cash. this whole situation is just really frustrating!!!!
^ Easier said than done. I get that he's trying to support his parents and that's his duty so I'm not denying it. But he also wants us to buy a house ASAP. I don't really care and am happy to live in a rental until we can buy a house without needing to take a mortgage (he's not too bothered about us potentially taking out a mortgage to buy a house). He just isn't being realistic about this. Now he wants to start investing in gold for his parents. Even his mom isn't too keen on the idea because gold is not the easiest thing to liquidate when you need cash. this whole situation is just really frustrating!!!!
The right thing would be whatever you two can come to an agreement. There will be compromise on each side according to "planned" things. Nothing really goes a 100% according to plan. We need to just act responsibly. So whatever you two can come to terms is the right thing to do. Inshallah, this time will also come to pass .
^ Easier said than done. I get that he's trying to support his parents and that's his duty so I'm not denying it. But he also wants us to buy a house ASAP. I don't really care and am happy to live in a rental until we can buy a house without needing to take a mortgage (he's not too bothered about us potentially taking out a mortgage to buy a house). He just isn't being realistic about this. Now he wants to start investing in gold for his parents. Even his mom isn't too keen on the idea because gold is not the easiest thing to liquidate when you need cash. this whole situation is just really frustrating!!!!
perhaps you guys (as a couple) or as a family can meet with an experienced accountant/financial advisor (someone who is not a personal/family friend) to discuss wealth management, (investment, retirement, home purchase, savings) etc ....
sometimes hearing truths from an objective expert can help rid brain of golden cobwebs. just a thought ... good luck!
At the same time, his parents (who live in a different city from us) are renovating their house. My husband has promised them about $15k to help out. Since he doesn't have any savings of his own, this amount will most likely come out of my house fund (which means we will have to wait longer to buy a house). That won't be a problem if we had money to spare, but an amount this big would take me at least 2-3 months to save up again for our house.
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the fact that it only take you 2-3 months to save up $15k for a house, is hardly an issue at all, especially when you and yor husband already spend so lavishly, and have an extra $15k to put aside in a such a short time. this should be the least of your worries. you should thank God that he has given you so much to be able to do that. most people, it takes them years and years of saving anything they possibly can to save a few thousand, let alone a down payment for a house/mortgage.
on the other hand, think of all the dua and love you will receive from your in laws and husband for doing this.
perhaps you guys (as a couple) or as a family can meet with an experienced accountant/financial advisor (someone who is not a personal/family friend) to discuss wealth management, (investment, retirement, home purchase, savings) etc ....
sometimes hearing truths from an objective expert can help rid brain of golden cobwebs. just a thought ... good luck!
I really appreciate this advice. We've talked about this but can't find a good muslim financial advisor where we live. We've had consultations with various professionals before and they are pretty useless in that they can't understand why we don't have a high interest savings account and why we continue to rent when we have more than enough for a downpayment. We haven't had any helpful advice on saving up enough to buy a house completely with cash.
It's not that I'm not grateful. I absolutely am and alhamdolillah am in a much better position than a lot of people. But I'm also under a lot of pressure to buy a house and I can't do that if my husband isn't on the same page as me.
As for my in-laws, I very much respect them and I didn't mean to come across as the selfish and greedy DIL. My husband wants to keep them comfortable and thinks the best way to do that is to throw cash at them.
The way I see it is that we are saving up to get a house for all of us to live in together and we can't get to that goal if we keep getting distracted by all these side-projects (e.g. renovations, random investments, expensive gifts, etc.)
Islamically the husband is not allowed to commit the money of his wife to any cause without her making that promise herself. He should also let his parents know that it is coming out of her fund and not his money.
Another way to look at it is that he is getting a loan from you. So long as you agree on the terms it is fine ... Remember financial matters need to be made seriously even between husband and wife.
Additionally ... despite any agreement - only he is obliged to cater for the running costs of the family and if she helps out then it is considered as a supererogatory act. Any savings of her earnings are hers ... and they can only be shared by him if she expressly donates half of it to him.
