Him or Family???

Lifestyle Relationships
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no plan, no man.

-confucicles 203 BC

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@ queer.....wat wuld have u done...had u been in my place????

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If you don't mind me asking. What's the status of your sister's marriage? Is she happy? Do your parents like the guy? Is she changed? Like doesn't talk with you guys much?

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well if i really liked the guy (i hope he's tall and has a nice behind) and was serious, i would have tried to find a way to be close to him physically - find a job within traveling distance or something - without giving up on any of life's major priorities - family, career. anyone half-decent can seem awesome for 2 days worth of meeting, but you have to know he's good enough and be reasonably sure that you guys can make it work before you decide to do anything drastic - with family support or without.

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acha we will come up with a plan. winning over indian in laws is hard but not impossible. Have you watched veer zaara together as family? Do you know reasons why they are opposed? He has a good job, family sounds nice and loving and location won’t be an issue if you both live in UAE. I’m not sure what legal rights you have but there are many in India with Pakistani spouses so it shouldn’t affect your travel.
some info

Marriage Laws and Rules in Dubai UAE

At the end of the day your parents want you to be happy. So it’s best to follow a DDLJ approach to convince the parents. Try to get the mamus to see commonality and bring them together. If you are both strong in your love and wait it out till family approval eventually they will agree. Ask your parents what steps he has to take to win approval.

I know 2 non Muslim Indian girls married to Pakistani guys and their parents came around so your case should be easy. In one case the non-Muslim parent was like you should convert to your husband’s religion to maintain family harmony as his parents didnt accept. Both were non religious so neither converted. Indian culture emphasises family harmony. Maybe talk about examples of Pakistani guys marrying Indian girls and it all ending happily. TLK-Niksik ka example yahan hai.

Personally, i would follow the advice of Kaun.
Bahut larke online kehte hain they will move for you and some do like your fiancee. But what if he changes his mind after shaadi? What im saying is with time you may find another who loves you like that..but if you break your relationship with parents you can not find another set.

Give 5 reasons why your parents refuse it. Then we can brainstorm ways to defuse those arguments. What is she worried about? How can he reassure her? What happened with your cousin?

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Meeting in person is important. I agree and one shouldn’t prioritise their life goals and sacrifice everything for a faraway love.

Have you ever been besotted by a Pakistani guy? Kaafi good looking hain na..times of india agrees with this statement.There’s something about Paki men - Times Of India. This was during the Sania-Shoaib series. Maybe you can make an appreciation thread on them ..which will help Indian girls like OP convince her mother that Pakistani boys make good husbands.:)I think Pakistani people can be quite exotic looking.

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yeah all the time pal. currently i have a big crush on TLK. <3

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awww how sweet. It is important to admire the good qualities of our neighbouring gs membes. It's ok i have some innocent crushes on philosophy, korn666, Reha and paheli/queen24 etc when it comes to the females. They helped inspire my masterpiece of a thread. Male crushes i wont mention lol.

Why don't you make a thread for them? you might have some admirers as well. Your witty thoughts will help OP. So the females don't feel left out we can include them as well. However, i think i have said enough to be honest.

Dw OP aap ki shaadi tak hum aap ki madat karenge to make sure your future husband patane mein of the in laws.

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Is he worth leaving ur parents for? (hint hint no one is worth leaving parents for unless ur parents are treating u bad and u see him as a savior)

Have u chalked up ur limits u can go to in this relationship? Lot depends on that.

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Kaise pata the hain future desi in laws ko. You can explain to them that religiously speaking they should not say no. You can also use emotional-sentimental techniques.. This is a long post but full of hidden gems that you and Mr Messed up can use.
I hope you and your future pati find it useful.

  1. It is important they meet him. Get that happening. Maybe in the beginning introduce him as a friend of a cousin/brother etc (like SRK in DDLJ). Keep his background aloof for a while and let them fall in love with his charming personality and refined urdu.
  2. Father: Inform your potential H (PH) of the likes/dislikes of the father. Where he likes to go for his morning walks, his favourite hobbies and type of foods. Slowly butter up the father in law by showing interest in all his activities, hobbies, and in his tales of how "life was back then."
  3. Mother: Hmm..basically convince that he is good husband material, he will take good care of you, let you visit home when you want to and miss your parents. That as your mother she is also his mother and he will respect her accordingly and treat her the same as unke paon ke neeche jannat hogi.
  4. Siblings: Impress them with his connections. Like he knows Atif Aslam (its not a lie..don't we all) and how Ali Zafar is from the same city and how fascinating Karachi/Lahore are and how they will def get to visit.
  5. Quarreling family members (The Montagues and Capulets of your love story). The best way to pata them is to convince both of them how strong your love is and that you both respect each other's families. That they should not be deliberate obstacles because of small, petty fights. Maybe you can convince them to call a truce. Guilt trip them with by singing "Mera Jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya" (Jaya Bachan)..especially the lines...."banke sapna banke sapna... humsafar ka saath reh gaya..Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya" and have that look of helpless despair in your eyes with a slight tear drop trying to escape.
  6. Important elders in extended family: Figure out if they are the sentimental types who are all about "hum sab ek the partition se pehle" they can work on those stories, remind them of those days when we were all just humans. Rather than just Indians or Pakistanis. If they were the type who had bad past experiences and hold eternal grudges then show them examples of the opposite (real life or news examples) and let their heart melt. They have big influence. If you can pata one of them half the work is done.

Remember a successful outcome is 90% is hard work and 10% is the initial thought/inspiration.

If your future pati is worth his shan masala he will take the steps mentioned above and take his time. Yes, it would be nice to marry him. Yes, it would be nice to keep the parents satisfied.
Think of the combination though. BOTH the parents satisfied and a husband you love. It is worth it if it takes time and he should be willing to work to make it happen. However, if both parents and future H (husband) are stubborn i wouldn't waste a decade on it. Or 3-4 decades on it. Life will have to move on.

From the Indian-Pakistani couples i know.
Love should be like Veer Zaara. You should both have the feeling of "aisa desh hai mera" in your hearts. yes disagreements will occur with politics and cricket but you should love the essence of each others countries. You should love Pakistan and he should love India. At least some parts of it for both of you. But there should be no hate. Even amongst the families there should be some common understanding.

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Him or Family???

If it's meant to be it will fall into place. Like everyone else said u haven't spent too much time with him in person. Bluntly speaking, listen to your family and move on.

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hmm....so my sis has done an inter-caste marriage..and shukar..my jiju is a gem, and is like a son to my mom. he's there when we need him and also lets my sis visit our place frequently. so all in all, he's turned out to be a gr8 choice. And yes she is HAPPY!!!....blessed with a baby boy few months back!!! MA!! :)

He's 6ft!!!! :D anyways, thts not the primary reason we are together! there are many others....when we became friends..i was going thru a very rough phase of my life..was undergoing treatment for some fatal health issues....and then he approached me....saying tht "I complete his family"...i was speechless...but thn i told him the truth abt my health issues....and he stood by me, saying it doesnt matter to him, coz he'd already decided i was the one!...altho not with me physically, but yes emotionally a lot. he wuld be concerned abt my medical tests, medicines and other things and wuld assure me things wuld be fine and tht he's with me always. He could have easily stopped all communication with me then, after i told him my health issues. But he didnt!!!.... this is jst one of the reasons.....

Yes, we do plan to spend more time together....IA next year. But till thn i jst have to avoid any more rishta's coming my way.

thanks a lot delhi2lahorekarachi....thts very sweet of u...i really appreciate :) but practically speaking, the DDLJ and Veerzara techniques are too filmy and not possible in real life when u talk abt an indo pak relationship. Its practically not possible for him to fly down to mumbai as per his whims and my fancies :p but yeah...we did plan something similar...like trying to get my mom here in UAE and maybe he and his family can meet her once. but tht will still take a few months!

And talking abt respect for each others nation.....his mom was an Indian before she got married......o.O i guess he's jst following his dad's legacy :P....jokes apart...his mom's side of family is still in India (hyd) and few of the cousins in mumbai....but as i said...it doesnt go well with my mom....

hmmm......m in no way leaving my parents!!!...even he knows tht!!!...so the only option is to convince them....and talking abt my limits.....i wuld say...time is not a limit for me....i have waited all these years to find someone like him, and now tht i have found him, i can wait till i get him!!! (too filmy i knw...:p) but thts how i feel for him!!!...if its not him....it cant be neone else!!!

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^I think if you wait it out your parents will prob just get fed up and let you have your way :D

If you waver or say 'I'll think about someone else' they might say you're not serious about the guy and push you the other way .. If you REALLY like him you have to be firm and not budge..

My dad was ok with my choice and very supportive but my mum wasn't at all.. I used to to say to her 'if I don't marry him I just won't marry at all'.. Bit melodramatic (and only half joking) but I could tell it freaked her out..

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talk abt melodrama!!!..i have done it all…but seems like my family is more experienced in it…literally!!!..the outdo me at all stages…be it tears, emotional dialogues…dhamki’s…i mean at everything!!!..

but yeah…this time i’ve decided… I will stay firm!!!..no matter wat!!..but on the other hand i also seek some suggestions …something more practical…which maybe hasnt occured to me yet!! and even him…coz we are so mentally drained with all the drama and tears…

thts y i started a thread here…

pls help!!!..all suggestions are welcome…if not totally…i wuld surely try to take a lil bit from all the ideas!!!.. :slight_smile: thanks a lot everyone :):flower1:

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And what about him AND his family? Do they feel they same way? Is he (AND his family) willing to wait however many more years it takes for your family to come around? Especially now that he has a good job and is more financially settled than before.......what makes you think his family won't start pressuring him to find someone else in the next year or two?

And here's the kicker.....right now his mother likes you so he's not facing any drama on his side. Just how positive are you that HE will stand up to his mother if she starts pressuring him to find someone else?

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Yes Paheli is correct. Time will eventually lead to pressuring. I'm guessing you guys aren't planning to wait 10-15 years let alone 20-30 like Veer Zaara. You're from Mumbai so i shouldn't be giving you any filmy advice :P
You have the fact that his mother is Indian so she may understand the pressures you are under. In the case of your cousin who had the bad experience was the mother Indian? Can you get your mother to talk to her mother so she can reassure her?

What is troubling them the most? The fact they havent met him, bad past experiences or just that he is from our padosi mulk? You should def make a meeting occur in a 3rd country if possible. Maybe you can emphasise the fact that he is technically half-Indian. Chahein bhi koi iss baat ko deny nahi kar sakte. Might help. Even having a convo on phone or skype...with him can help. And if their family is from Hyderabad maybe they will be able to get a visa to visit faster? It is worth trying.

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i did think abt it…and asked him the same questions…coz i really dont want to lose the respect and concern his mom has for me now…but he’s already communicated this to his mom…tht he’ll be waiting…no matter wat… i dnt knw if i’ve already lost all the respect his mom had for me…but yes…i do feel very guilty and blame myself for spoiling his life! :cry: ..Had also told him that we can change paths b/c i dnt see any positive things happening from my family’s side! but he is adamant! his trust and faith is wat is holding me in this relationship…coz frankly i had lost all hopes!!!

dear i tried convincing them to meet him on skype…last time they spoke to him on phone…there was a huge verbal fight and my mamu ended up giving him dhamkis (so typical)… and this time again he was insulted…as they first agreed to spk to him…but thn made him wait for 3 long hrs and thn said a big NO!!!

hmmmm…i guess i forgot to give the 5 major reasons…rather problems my family has:

  1. Not so friendly neighbour - as u rightly mentioned…the not so friendly padosi mulk wala factor is wats stopping thm. He maybe half Indian…but he still holds a Pakistani passport…and the thot tht god forbid..if situations turn worse…he will return to his home country from wherever he is…and tht implies…if we get married…i will have to accompany him…and do away with my India passport!

  2. Financial security - as i said…he’s got a better job jst last yr…but prior to tht he was an executive in a bank…and didnt have much savings… so according to my family…where is the financial security?? how will he bear my expeneses after getting married??? god forbid nething goes wrong and he loses his job, thn how will he survive??? (c’mon, i mean…m educated…and can survive very well…i dnt need a man in my life only for financial security…i dnt want to marry a bank!.. after looking at the not so compatible marriage of my parents…all i need is a man who wuld truly love me… finance..i guess we both can manage)…so this they cannot digest…and they dnt want me to slog after getting married…but have a comfortable…luxurious life…!!!..

  3. Responsibility - as i mentioned earlier…he’s the sole earner…and has a mom and young brother to support… his dad expired when he was in his late teens…and he’s started working since then…i wuld say a self made man (one more reason i’ve fallen for him…rather i respect him) acc. to my family…he wuld be spending most of the money on his brothers education (we all know hoe expensive it is these days)…all his money will be drained…and thn again how will i survive… (:smack:)…like the gave me all this education to sit and do nothing …arghhhhhh

  4. No Property - and b/c of various other personal reasons (after his dad’s death)…since he was the sole earner…for obv reasons…they cldnt afford too buy their own flat…and were living in a rented one all these yrs…and again in africa…he’s living in a company provided accomodation for family…so he doesnt have anything of his own… and per pt 2 & 3…since his bank a/c will be drained…he wuldnt be able to buy one either in future…and they feel …even if he buys one…i wuld be the one paying the home loan!!! …NO COMMENTS!!!

  5. no support - OK this is very weird and very absurd…but they said this…he doesnt have any financial back up in terms tht he doesnt have his dad any more…so incase god forbid..there is any financial crisis…there is no one to support him…so all the pressure wuld come on me…
    plus brother’s education… ( …he has his mamas who’s always been there and MA…all of them are well settled, the only reason he’s never asked for a financial help from thm is coz he has some self respect…and being the Man of the house…he wanted to take the sole responsibility)
    as far as bro’s education is concerned…we belong to a community where there are many committees who can support his education…sometimes fully and sometimes on a half grant and half loan basis…i’ve availed tht and completed my graduation…and MA tht kid is good in studies..and is already availing a full scholarship program…

so these are the five major reasons…and besides these… i keep getting some or the other absurd reasons every now and then…

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:wub:…and thn when i sit and think abt us!!! …i feel am jst trying to chase a far away dream…and spoiling his and my life!!!..and thn i blame myself for changing his and his families life!!! …huh…LIFE!!!:teary1:

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Hmm samasya gambhir hai. agar aap ki family Dili ke hoti to bahut dilwale hote..pyar ke liye saath samundar paar jaate. Yeh Wagah border kya cheez hai. jk dont want to start delhi-mumbai rivalry:P maybe if you tell them you have a friend in delhi whose family is cool with it, then why not them? Ive known some delhi girls who have taken that step. Use some regionalism.

Or emphasise the religious similarities. Say that would they prefer you to marry a non religious Indian Muslim guy or a Hindu guy than a good Indian-Pakistani Muslim boy. Maybe if you emphasise that his mother is Indian (and if the mamus are both Indian, toh yeh lafra indians ke beech hain) and he respects India/Indians it will assure them. Can you find any allies in your extended family or his mother’s family in India in Hyderabad? Maybe they can talk to your family. These days indian guys are also open minded about this. I asked an Indian guy on gs if he would be cool with his daughter marrying a Pakistani and he was like as long as he is not anti-India/Indian he wouldnt mind. And i know a few Indian Hindu girls who have married Pakistani guys (both were not religious in this case). The guy can’t be anti-Indian as his mother is Indian. That is the only reason where i would have doubts with such a relationship is if the was anti-Indian and im sure Pakistanis would be the same. Even if he was anti-Pakistani Indian guy i wouldnt like it. But that’s just me. If he does go to Pakistan you will have to go with him and there’ nothing wrong with that. They’re pretty much like us. You will have to surrender your Indian passport but then if you become a citizen in another country you would do the same. Im sure they wouldn’t mind you marrying a US based Indian guy and becoming US citizen. You can still be OCI but you’d have no passport.
Do you think they’re worried about stigma from others? They shouldn’t be. No one has to really know your business anyway. People have so many misconceptions about the common Pakistani it’s annoying. Not just in india but worldwide when things are quite modern there. You’ll be an Indian-Pakistani :slight_smile: Read this story of someone with a similar love story. If you guys don’t have a third country to settle in as some others here (like Niksik/TLK) then are you ok with moving to Pakistan?
Call me an Indian Pakistani – The Express Tribune Blog

try to emphasise the similarities between Indian and Pakistani cultures. Unfortunately there are some people on either side who would not marry into the other side because of the past and there are some girls/guys even here who would not be cool with marrying a non-Pakistani even an Indian. So this thought your parents have is not as rare as we’d hope. I blame the lack of interaction and travel between both countries. It wasn’t like this back in the 60s-70s (not that i was around but from what ive read). For all those against your decision to marry him..ask them to watch munna bhai mbbs 2. Then ask them “what would Mahatma Gandhi do?” Would he want us to stay fighting forever or be peaceful? Then give them a jaadu ki jhappi afterwards. Gandhigiri jagao. What would be there reaction if he were to settle in India after marriage if he did have to leave UAE? Not sure about the rules around this. I do know if you do get Pakistani citizenship it may be easier but it might be hard for you to travel to India. As it is for the writer in the link above.

2.) working in a bank means he had a stable and financially secure job. That fact that he has a better job now shows he is resourceful. ANd def if both of you plan on working after marriage then you will have enough to live comfortably. Luxuries are not that important.

3.) This reason just seems like a random bahana. All guys will have responsibility to parents and sisters. that is desi culture. agar woh nahi chaiye then maybe better to marry a white or arab muslim (althought i think they have some responsibility maybe not as much).

4.) Eventually with your combined incomes you will buy a property. At the moment its not necessary. One just needs roti, kapra and makan to be comfortable..does it matter really if it yours or on rent.

5.) No support is not really a reason. Any day even the most supported person can become without support. If your family wants they can support him.

I think they might be clutching at straws because they found something they don’t like at the boy and now they’re stubborn and won’t change their mind no matter what. Unless you stay stubborn for 2-3 years and then they’re like yeh kabhi shaadi nahi karegi (and i mean ure still technically its not like ur late 30s) or you run away, get married and have a child (which i do not recommend) they won’t accept. Unless reality of situation sets in. Also you being distant from them and no seeing them probably makes them worry.