[FONT=Times New Roman]All of my husband’s colleagues think that he is single. He hangs out with them after work, has gone to Lahore/Islamabad for business trips and went sightseeing with them during their free time, and today I found out that his whatsapp is linked to his work phonebook so they are also on his whatsapp. He doesn’t add them on facebook because he is worried that they will find out about me. His reason is that if they knew that he had applied for his Canadian immigration then there is every chance that he’ll get fired. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to tell them that I am in Canada. It’s not like they ever come to his house. But he told me that if they knew that he was married they would go on some stalking spree and search me up on facebook and then look at the tiny thumbnail of my profile pic and somehow know that I am from Canada. That sounds so absurd to me and today we had a huge argument over it. He kept saying that I don’t understand, I always think negatively, I am acting childish etc etc. It has always bothered me to know that the people he spends most of his waking hours with have no idea that I exist. Today was the last straw for me. If they are not important enough to know that he’s married then why are they important enough to be on his whatsapp? Am I being unreasonable here?
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Oh those sneaky imported hasbands 
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Tell the Canadian authorities you don't have a husband. That'll teach him. =p
jk..
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
He's not here yet. He works in Karachi. It would be another story if he never talked to anyone at work about anything other than work related stuff. What is pissing me off is that he hangs out with them all the time after work and chats with them on whatsapp yet he hides from them the fact that he is married. ALL of them think that he is single. And to top it off, he is blaming me for being negative and childish. He just got mad at me because I was upset over him hiding me from all those people!
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
He is right... if he is hiding his martial status for the sake of a valid reason, what is wrong in it which is making you so worried?
He actually has a point. Even if he is very skeptical about people figuring out he may go overseas and thus will not be at his role for the long haul, and then he is top of the axe list, not because he is not liked, but if someone has to be let go, why not let go of the guy who was going to leave shortly anyways. you don't know if he has seen it happen or reasons of his fear.
If it is not as dire as being let go, it could have an impact on promotion, or raise as well.
It is entirely in the realm of possibilities.
Instead of being worked up about it. You need to understand his world and his situation.
If you think there are other motives and are not comfortable, then I don't know why you are in the relationship still. Mutual trust is massive. If its not there, no reason to hang on.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Yes I am definitely not being understanding. My husband, who loves me so much that he can't live without me, spends most of his time with people I don't know about. He doesn't like talking about them, he never likes telling me what he's been doing but then random people on facebook show up who have public albums with so many photos of him with them. None of them know that he is married or even in a relationship. I sometimes hang out with work people after work if everyone's going out for dinner or zumba but that's once in a blue moon. People I hang out with a lot after work are obviously the ones I am close friends with and I am comfortable sharing my personal life with them. If I wasn't comfortable sharing the basic fact of my marital status with them then why on earth would I be hanging out with them all the time? I wouldn't care if they knew about me if his relationship with his colleagues was only work related with occasional lunches/dinners. But he is hanging out with them ALL the time. He doesn't even put any photos up because he apparently doesn't want me to see cuz I am such a *****.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
oh and I am not worried, I am just pissed off! I don't know if it's the hormones talking but I feel like a stash of porn that he loves but he has to hide from everyone around him. It has ALWAYS bothered me that he never tells anyone he meets or works with about me but the whatsapp thing kind of made me realize how much I am bothered by it. He's been telling me to get it and I finally did today and it turns out he uses it on his work phone so his work people are all on it. I have a work blackberry too. What if I got an app like that on there to be able to chat with all the people from work all the time but made sure that none of them knew that I was in any relationship? I asked him that qs and his response was that obviously he would feel bad but at the end of the day I am the bee-itch!
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Maybe his relationship started out as just a formal coworker relationship.
Then he got friendlier with them and they started hanging out after work too.
And now it's wayyyy too awkward to just say "So guys, I'm married. Just letting that out there. Now let's have another bro hang yo!" .....(sorry, that's how boys talk in my head)
But I totally understand why you're hurt. If he has gotten so close to them, he should be able to confide in them and tell them not to tell the boss.
How much longer for the immigration process? Hang in there!
He could have good friends at work, he could have acquaintances at work, rivals, back stabbers all kinds.
The issue with a secret is that once it's out it's out. Someone has a problem keeping a secret, blurts out something without thinking, etc etc and then if you think you will be impacted by it, you will just be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Workplace favoritism is real, to this day women in some companies don't share that they are trying to start a family because just that has played a rol in them getting important clients or projects, since well they may be out, may not be able to do as much ATC, sadly that thinking exists.
In Pakistan, ladies who are getting married face the same.
If he thinks that will negatively impact his wellbeing then let it be, career wise what's good for him now means what would be good for both of you and your family later.
Sometimes it makes sense to keep certain spheres of life separate.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
He got his ppr already and is just waiting for them to stamp his passport and return it. His career there is temporary; maybe another month, or 2 at most. This is upsetting to me because in the past he had another job in a call centre in Karachi where he hid from everyone that he was married. His excuses to me were the exact same. Then I came across a second Facebook profile that he had created for his so called "work buddies". When I demanded the login details he deleted all the inbox messages and gave those to me. He had actually just archived them so I saw some of his conversations with those buddies of his where he was describing some girls at his work as "hot" and "sexy". The sad thing was that all of those guys were single and thought that he was single too. I felt so disrespected at the time. He's hanging out so much with these other "work buddies" of his now and all of them are single as well. He never likes talking about his work because it's too stressful for him and he wants to relax when he's talking to me. I don't even know a single name of any one person he works with even though he spends most of his time with them. He is either at work with them or hanging out with them after work. They also don't know that he is married. I had told him in the past that he doesn't necessarily have to tell anyone that he's married but he could say that he's engaged or in a relationship but he had the same excuses hen; "tum unko nahi jaanti, woh bohot wailay log hain, unko pata chal jaye ga" etc etc. I don't know why it's bothering me so much today. It's making me so upset knowing that he has hidden me from everyone he likes hanging out with so much. I don't care what his reasons are, I want him to tell everyone that he is married. If he gets sacked so be it, it's not like he's paying my bills from his salary. He hasn't even gotten me a single birthday present in the past 2 years so I really don't care if his one month long career is on the line now.
So just copy what you just wrote, paste it in an email and send it to him. Better yet just send him a link to this page.
All the best for your future.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
i did. i facebook msged him the link to this thread.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
based on your comments and the last couple of threads, seems like you have alot more problems than anything good going on wiht him. Why are you with him?
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Tell the Canadian authorities you don't have a husband. That'll teach him. =p
jk..
..Or are you... ;)
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Guy is having an affair at work chai
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
yes work "chai" at the beach or the arena or restaurants every night.
Sarah I am not having serious serious issues with him. I have read some horrible stuff here and my problems are nothing compared to those. It's just that I feel like he's full of words but never really does anything for me. He is always saying things like how he loves me and can't live without me and I am the most important person in his life etc etc. First of all, he lived 26 years without me, I am sure he can live the rest if I were to disappear from his life. Then there is his actions, or the lack of them. I plan surprises for him, share everything about my life with him, I like telling him about the people I interact with on a daily basis or the shows I watch or books I read or places I visit etc. He, on the other hand, doesn't like sharing anything about his life with me. If I ask him how his day was, he would say "it was good". If I probe he would be like "haaan bus kuch nahi tum batao". He NEVER talks about it. He could have gone to a wedding, or a friend's birthday party, or dinners, or a picnic at a beach but all I get is "haaan bus kuch khaas nahi". Half the time he doesn't tell me what he's doing. As I said earlier, I found out about his after work activities with his work buddies through some random dudes' photos. Someone who's showing up on the sideline of his profile and has more photos of my husband on his profile than my husband does. One dude's album led to another's and turns out my husband is prettyyyyyyyyy close to these guys and none of them know that he is in any sort of relationship! My husband was quick to block them after I showed him the photos of course. They must never find him on facebook you see, otherwise they will stalk him and me and do some spy work and know that I am in Canada and that he has applied for Canadian immigration. To me, this excuse sounds pretty lame. I've just been really annoyed by him for his lack of effort in making me feel any special, even on special occasions like my birthday and valentines. He was the last one to wish me on my bd! The fact that he's hiding me from all those ppl despite the fact that he's almost always with them has just added to my annoyance!
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Then there is his actions, or the lack of them. I plan surprises for him, share everything about my life with him, I like telling him about the people I interact with on a daily basis or the shows I watch or books I read or places I visit etc. He, on the other hand, doesn't like sharing anything about his life with me. If I ask him how his day was, he would say "it was good". If I probe he would be like "haaan bus kuch nahi tum batao". He NEVER talks about it. He could have gone to a wedding, or a friend's birthday party, or dinners, or a picnic at a beach but all I get is "haaan bus kuch khaas nahi". Half the time he doesn't tell me what he's doing.
umm you do realize he is a guy right? why do you want him to act like a saheli? not all, but a large number of guys, probably a majority are not very chatty about daily life.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Then I came across a second Facebook profile that he had created for his so called "work buddies". When I demanded the login details he deleted all the inbox messages and gave those to me. He had actually just archived them so I saw some of his conversations with those buddies of his where he was describing some girls at his work as "hot" and "sexy". The sad thing was that all of those guys were single and thought that he was single too. I felt so disrespected at the time. He's hanging out so much with these other "work buddies" of his now and all of them are single as well. .
Nothing wrong with having separate facebook accounts for different groups of people, many people do it. especially with the needs like recruiters asking for access to accounts or need for a public page where the usual hungama and dhama chokri is avoided. I am however amazed that he gave you his login credentials. I am married and the day she asks me about my password for anything, would be a pretty bad day for her. Relationship is based on trust, if she cant trust me there is no future.
Re: Hiding your married status from colleagues at work
Rouz, there can be two scenarios to this.
No. 1: what he is saying about telling about his marital status could have a negative impact on his job is correct.
it does happen in many organizations that the moment they come to know that you are looking to immigrate or looking to switch, they would stop giving you key projects, would stop your promotion simply because they if you are about to leave soon then they better not give you added responsibilities/perks etc and would start investing/developing in another human resource.
now on not telling his co-workers even now when you say only month's time is left for a stamp, may be he is finding it awkward and hard to tell the people he has been hanging out for quite some time now that look m married and all those times i have been hiding this from you because i thought you would spread the word( meaning i don't trust you guys) and i could get fired.
so may be once he leaves the job himself when his papers are stamped and he is ready to move, perhaps then he would tell them he is married getting now or was married already. you see at that point he would not be much concerned on how his co-workers would take it because he would be moving to Canada anyways and doesn't have to face them at work place everyday and getting asked to as to why he hid that fact from them for so long.
so in this case you need not pissed off at him.
Scenario 2: whatever he says about the job impact thing could just be an excuse and probably something is fishy going on at his work place, like may be a work place affair that his co-workers are aware of and he is positioning himself as a single guy so neither they nor his GF could know his real marital status. and he has blocked them on his FB so that you might not get in touch with them and could get the real picture.
PS: hanging out with co-workers, business colleagues etc does not necessarily means that you are closed to them or are really good friends.
in many organizations particularly with youngsters in teams, hanging out after office hours is standard thing and people are not really closed to each other or to every member in a work group but still hangs out just to have fun, to kill time, to try out new, different food places etc. the chances of hanging out are even more if you don't have much friends of your own so you rely on work colleagues .
also having them on whats app isn't a big deal or signifies that you are closed to them. you have whts app on your phone and they have it on theirs too so you get connected automatically. also companies in Pakistan are encouraging their employees to have these apps like whts app, skype,viber etc so the cost of company telephone,mobile phone calls get minimized.