I’d like some advice about this rishta scenario please. I’ve met someone online and we’ve known each other for 3 months and in that time asked the essential questions with the view for marriage. We both think on the same level and this has made us want to pursue the prospect marriage. Soon after that there was a phonecall and then his family met mine and mine met his in a 2nd meeting but there is no clarity from my family to pursue marriage as they want answers to questions which I think are very intrusive and never ending. Whereas his family have already called and shown their approval. Please advise what to do because I potentially see that even if we do get married this seemingly interrogating line of questioning my family have won’t be viewed nicely. Especially as the guy has reputable sources to vouch for his character. There’s no sense of reassurance at the moment in where this is going.
Thanks
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Your family ain’t on board or they are being careful and you are in the phase.
Eitherway, you are the one who need to figure out all the questions your family is asking --bargain with them a little bit to reduce them…and then convince the guy to make available the answers…this is a one time exercise… if things smooth out its ok…if your family not budging…then you know that your family don’t want this shadi to happen…
ps. what kind of intrusive questions??
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I’ve tried right from the very start by being hypothetical about everything regarding their approach to marriage and they seemed open minded etc. However as soon as I’ve introduced the guy to my parents they had issues that we met online rather than actually seeing us for what we are and the compatability we have. However, before all of this I left it to my parents and they didn’t do anything when I clearly expressed I wanted to find someone.
Every time I try and show reason why I am happy with this guy it’s not taken on board and my parents seem to not know how to go about this rishta process especially as it’s the first time for them so I do understand it’s hard but I’m not being listened to at all and the way this whole process is done can affect families in future especially if seeking independent references which my parents want to but don’t know how to do that!!!
I feel that having know this guy for a while and seeing the interaction between himself and his family and himself and my family. That speak volumes in itself. However my parents instead want to go in the community and ask about him, it doesn’t feel right and is out of context when you already know someone on a more personal level in these meetings and you already have indications about his character. I’d never have brought someone to my parents if I didn’t see a lot within him and I’ve said that to them.
It’s not even like a typical rishta scenario where after those 2 meetings you would have some idea where this is going. Instead it feels like my parents are stalling because this has all been slower than me and the guy would have liked and it’s frustrating because it’s been about 3 months since I spoke to my parents and I never know what it is they want to do when we all meet up.
In the last meeting questions were meant to be asked from my side but apparently ‘circumstances’ led to that not happening. Even to call the guy’s family seems like the most difficult thing for them and every nice thing they do is taken for granted like their friendly and welcoming nature.
Some of the questions my family want to ask are from this supposed ‘guideline’ which I haven’t seen. But essentially at the beginning me and the guy asked all those serious questions like outlook on life, where to live, Islam and spirituality, about family, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what our opinions in certain things in the news are and the notion of equity in our marriage and treatment of children. There’s a definite compatibility and that’s why I introduced him to my parents because I saw a lot within him to want to marry him.
However after this 2nd meeting the reservations my parents have said are that they want security and for there to be house. However me and the guy discussed this and are in agreement on what we want to do. It’s like I am ignored in what I value or want. Another thing they want to do is do the independent references by speaking to the community, my parents also wanted to find out about finances even though you don’t need to go that deep to know he’s financially stable and that wasn’t what I was after in the first place either. My parents have this view of the husband being purely responsible for everything and I think if I have the means to work and help of course I’d contribute. The guy never demanded that, it’s actually because I want to and things are more difficult now than before even in terms of getting a house in this day and age. Instead my parents asked who’s name the mortgage would be in and whose money will be used to decide it. Things like that are just never ending. And I just sense that there won’t be a point where my parents will feel okay with everything. Some of the things been said seem materialistic and out of the essence of marriage in Islam and that’s what I’m having difficulty with. Things shouldn’t be delayed or prolonged and it should be encouraged especially if both people agree. I just don’t see my parents moving things forward when it’s in their control. The guys family lives a little far so at the moment it’s been monthly visits so that doesn’t help although to phone is always there but my parents don’t actively do so.
What can I do? 
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hmm…i see your case now.
Its that your parents are afraid and a bit confused. Probably your extended family or social circle are all about " larka kitnay kamaata hai, uska ghar apna hai k nahi? and if not " yeh aap ne kya kia…larkay ghar to hona chahiye…haw haye’'…your family is afraid of these type of comments from the ‘log’ - thats why they are hesitant and stalling. Also, the social pressure about ‘online’ is there in older generation.
what you can do is, if you are comfortable with the guy, let him know about the questions…and let the boys’ side (boy himself preferrably - because the boys parents could get pissed at the questioning and say leave it_…voluntarily offer this information to your parents… and if boy is interested he will manage it…
if you have someone to do sifaarish on your behalf to the parents…like some uncle/aunt etc..whose advise they would listen to more…do try to leverage that…
desi parents are very difficult when it comes to marriage…
hope that helps.
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Do you mind telling what part of the world you live in? Amreeka, Europe, Pakistan? It will help with advice you receive here.
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Living in the UK
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Also I know we both feel that there will be countless questions because my parents don’t seem to know what to do. And it now feels like we have to leave things in the hands of Allah. However I just don’t trust my family are doing the right thing for me. I’ve done my istikhara prayer, I’ve known this guys values and thoughts in important matters in marriage and I also see him as someone I would want to share my life with him and we grow together. There’s so much I see within him and part of me thinks that it’s once in a lifetime and if you know something is right for you then you need to do everything you can. I just need advice on what to do if I feel my family are taking too long to approve and that the family route doesn’t seem to be working out. Whenever I try to express how I feel to my parents I’m not listened to, viewed as a child and told I’m being disrespectful and showing attitude.
I just think there will never be a point where my family will feel they have asked everything because they keep coming up with more. It’s like nothing is enough. There’s also no willingness to speak to the other family and my parents seem to wait for them and think even for phone calls the girls side shouldn’t be proactive as it gives the wrong impression. But I’ve found this guy myself and I’m proud to want to be with him so I don’t shy away from communicating anything. I have maintained my ideals throughout but it’s the projection of my parents ideals and insecurities rather than actually asking me what I feel is important. I’ve asked the guy all the things I felt were important and each time my parents question something I may have forgotten I am able to answer. This guy is practicing, of good character, has a lovely personality, kind, caring, believes family is important and there should be equity in marriage and we share similar interests too and is also financially stable although I will maintain working too because I have the ability to do so and I want to. The way my family are doing things is prolonging, making its difficult and not giving any clear idea what’s happening and it’s been 4 months since I’ve know the guy and 3 months for my parents.
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you can sit and wait it out…or do something about it…in my above post i laid what you could possibly do about it…
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Sometimes our family can be our biggest test..
Pray and think practically what can be done.. and if you trust anyone in your relatives, try to involve them if you really think it is what you want..
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And dont tell guy everthing that is happening in your family like arguments etc..
Try to solve it at your end by yourself and a relative if you trust any.
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Thank you I appreciate all of your advice :), I don’t have relatives who live close or even know what’s happening. I don’t really have anyone that could speak on my parents level. Me and all of my siblings are viewed as children and naive. I think trying to find someone impartial to speak to my parents is hard and I’m considering the Imam at our local mosque or one of my parents friends whom they respect and would listen to to speak to them?
And I agree letting the guy know what’s happening from my side I initially did for his awareness but it’s affected him as neither of us knows what’s happening and it’s creating anxiety for us both especially as we have been set on each other and then merely wanted our parents blessing which his family have done but mine are still waiting :(. So I tried to stop communicating my family stuff to him but because my family are complicated the guy has a sense of knowing when something is up even when I don’t say anything. He can always tell something is up.
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This is your perspective. You seem to be all into the guy and want your parents to agree. Are your parents fears/anxieties/questions justified? It’s hard for us to assess.
Atleast from your post it seems, they are themselves don’t have much of a social circle. This means getting married through them is not going to be easy.
But 3 months isn’t a lot of time.
Independent reference through community is a always a very good idea. I think everyone should do that. It’s not that hard to do. This is age of social media, not hard to find friends of friends to talk to. If ur parents are proactive find some references yourself without involving your parents. Then suggest to them. Are you the eldest? Do you have a job?
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I feel independent references, financial stability and your security are pretty much standard concerns and questions, but question like name on loan paper is too much asking from your guy. Three months of online chatting and 20 to 25 years of your relationship … you feel three months are enough to trust while 25 years of relationship non trustworthy…
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Am not the eldest but I am the first, I will try to see if I can find references myself but there are various things already available that reference him and it’s consistent in his character that I see too. And I also do have job. I really want to do something and I’m happy for my parents to ask things. It’s just not happened when there’s situations it could have or even just calling them and I do encourage them to do so if it puts them at ease. I’ve never tried to stop them asking but at the same time nothing is happening. I guess I want reassurance this is heading towards something positive as does his family and my family haven’t done so yet. Personally I’m not one to be on social media and neither is he, just personal preference.
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I think 3 months is good enough to get approval and at least indicate to each others family that you are interested and willing to see if this will work. Doesn’t mean marriage will be immediate but it’s more a sense of reassurance for both families and for me and the guy that our families are on board. Of course more meetings etc will happen but it’s just to start things involving the family well.
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I see a point in your parent’s desire to do some sort of background check on the guy. The initial interactions with the person whom we are interested in can sometimes blind us to things that our families can see so it’s only wise to listen to them.
Having said that, I can understand your frustration. A close friend of mine is going through something very similar w.r.t his family. He kept telling his family back home to look for a girl and for three straight years, they couldn’t come up with a single girl. The excuse his family kept giving was that they were busy and people have become very corrupt. My friend developed trust issues with his family so he sought help of friends. We introduced him to this girl who exceeded all his and his family’s requirements. But within 5 minutes of learning about the girl on phone, his family changed the requirements for the kind of girl they wanted. For them, it was the biggest hatak-e-izzat (defamation) to their family that the guy himself found this girl. Both the guy and the girl are in US and their families are in Pakistan so during his last trip he wanted his family to at least meet the girl’s family but nopes. His family told him that if he married her, no one from the family will attend the wedding nor he’ll be allowed to bring his wife to their home so he gave up. Similar things have happened with few of my other friends as well. Unfortunately people in-charge of overseeing these matters in plenty of families are very immature. Once they’ve wasted several years they say, “jo kerna hai jis say shadi kerni hai, kerlo”. Total waste of time !
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^ if he is sending back the money, his family probably don’t want the $$ to stop.
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yes totally agree. That’s the selfishness some families have that if they married off their “Kamao Putar”, they will not be well taken care off financially.
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OP, Given the online cheating scenario, your parents are ought to be worried and its good they want to do due diligence. Its not bad at all if they want to check with the community about this guy. infact, not doing it would be a bad idea.
Also ,3 months is not a long time. People can pretend and you may not know specially in the scenario where neither you nor your family has any link to this guy/family. Trust your parents and don’t doubt their intentions.
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I’ve seen people fix arranged marriages in a matter of days even thought they barely know the other party or saw the girl at some wedding it does seem like they’re dragging the issue. If this were their own find they would have you meet him at your engagement party things would have gone that quick.
I think you need to sit them down and tell them this is the guy you’re marrying. They can verify all they want but this is it. Tell them you need a date for the engagement party. If you’re old enough to get married then you’re old enough to have this conversation.