Help.

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Help.

WendyDarling

Ive been to countless hookers. Would you agree my potential wife doesnt need to know anything about my past, Islamically?

22

Re: Help.

Redvelvet

It** may** have nothing to be with religion. This guy is probably not bothered that she has done something 'haram' and will go to 'Gehinnom'.

Many people dont judge premarital sex or even promiscuity as something immoral. That doesnt mean they cant have a preference for a partner who hasnt done any of that.

Personally I dont have any disrespect for a woman who has slept with 100 men. But I wouldn't consider her for marriage or emotional investment, if I had the option. Thats just my preference and there are other reasons for that.

23

Re: Help.

He has a right to know. The husband that is. SHE has committed the sin, therefore, the onus is her to let her husband know before they got married. I think its fair to say one naturally assumes their partner has will tell them or has told them anything major.

24

Re: Help.

*LHR1
*
The biggest fear of any self respecting, non-politically corrected, non-cuckolded man, when investing his emotions and life in a woman, is ending up on the sh1te end of the woman's dating & sex life. That he is her 'retirement plan' after she has had her fun.

How can a man find that out? Here is the most important way...

..find out who the guys were, she had her fun with. then take a good look at the mirror and compare yourself to them.
Are they much better looking, successful, richer, charming, more popular, taller, better built, better hung etc. than you?
If yes, then please... let her have them. You are just the retirement plan.

Now this is general guide line for men. Its not perfectly applicable in our non=permissive society.
In your friends case, the poor girl just lost her virginity to one guy she was serious with. She obviously wasn't riding the carousel, as they say.

Tell your friend to find out who the guy was. If there is a significant difference in his attractiveness and your friends, if her ex is much better looking than him, thats bad news. Why? Because looking at her ex, will give him an idea what this girl really finds attractive, what is her standard for men's appearance in order to be sexually attracted to them, what kind of man she would choose when she is free to act on her desire rather than pressured by necessity or* majboori. What kind of man she will enjoy being intimate with. What kind of men she can have lust for. *and so on.

If her ex is less attractive, I wouldnt worry if I was your friend and would marry her.
And remember, in any case, its not about her. Dont blame her. Its about your friend and his interests only.

25

Re: Help.

^It may not have anything to do with religion for the guy. Could be he's more bothered by her being "used", him not being her first, and seeing her as lacking in character and thus not being a good "fit" for marriage or being the mother of his children. Could be that he's not a virgin himself but still prefers a virgin wife. OR who knows? Maybe it does have a little to do with religion. The OP didn't mention it, but MAYBE he is someone who avoided premarital sex himself because he does see it as immoral and a sin...and wanted a wife who did the same. In addition to being upset for the above reasons, he might also think that if she was lax in committing this sin...she may do it again, or she may not be a good mother in the future....he could connect it to religion in that sense.

Now...one of the reasons I brought up religion is because the word "forgive" was mentioned. And also because.....even if it's not religion that's causing him to become so upset....maybe he'll consider religion when it comes to making a decision. In other words, if he didn't consider it before....he may consider it later. Sure, we have preferences and they should have been discussed prior to the nikkah. Now that they are married....the decision he makes will have consequences and he needs to think about whether it's just a preference or a dealbreaker...whether he can get over it or not...and whether or not a certain preference comes with guarantees.

26

Re: Help.

i think he should jus forgive her and forget about it....and accept her as his wife....If Allah azzawajal can forgive his people why cant he???All he should care about is if she is a good wife....imagine if he does marry a girl who is a virgin but she is not a good wife then wats the point of her being a virgin??

27

Re: Help.

That's betrayal poor guy....if i was in his shoes than i would have gone for divorce.

28

Re: Help.

despite her honesty, funny how humans are not willing to forgive and forget something that is between her and God......

29

Re: Help.

her and God....really? who's life is getting affected by her actions now?

30

Re: Help.

That's disgusting. No really...it is.

31

Re: Help.

Yes. Islamically you are not to tell anyone about your sins. You should repent to Allah without informing anyone else about your past sins. If you hide your sins in this life, Allah will hide them in the afterlife.
So repent for your sins and don’t tell your future wife about them. What’s in the past should be left there.

I usually don’t do this, start islamic discussions but since you’re questioning me .. here you go :rolleyes:

*Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Allah will cover up on the Day of Resurrection the defects (faults) of the one who covers up the faults of the others in this world”. *

The same goes for those who don’t reveal their own sins.
May Allah swt forgive you for you past sins!

32

Re: Help.

wait. was she raped or she screwed the guy willingly?

if its the latter, she sure did have poor morals and its quite cunning and deceitful to not tell him before the marriage and tell afterwards.

33

Re: Help.

No but it's his iftikhar, pride that is hurt since he hasn't had any past relations.

Yes I stole this line from The Kite Runner :p

34

Re: Help.

For all those who wanted the details to LHR1’s situation :

"Listen,?she said, “I want to tell you something. Something you have to know before..”
**“I don’t care what it is.?”
**"You need to know. I don’t want us to start with secrets. And I’d rather you hear it from me.?
"If it will make you feel better, tell me. But it won’t change anything.?
There was a long pause at the other end.
“When we lived in Virginia, I ran away with an Afghan man. I was eighteen at the time… rebellious… stupid, and… he was into drugs…
We lived together for almost a month”
**So, does what I told you bother you??
**
**"A little,?I said. I owed her the truth on this one. **I couldn’t lie to her and say that my pride, my iftikhar, wasn’t stung at all that she had been with a man, whereas I had never taken a woman to bed. It did bother me a bit, but I had pondered this quite a lot in the weeks before I asked Baba to go khastegari. And in the end the question that always came back to me was this: How could I, of all people, chastise someone for their past?
**"Does it bother you enough to change your mind??"No, Soraya. Not even close,?
I said. **"Nothing you said changes anything. I want us to marry.?
**She broke into fresh tears.

**The more I think about it, the more I think LHR1 just read The kite Runner. :hmmm:

35

Re: Help.

I think he needs to try and work this out with her.

Things happen and people screw up in life...it doesn't mean they're bad or not good enough for marriage.

What she did has nothing to do with hookers or sleeping around with 100 men...why are people taking it in that direction?

She probably knows what she did was wrong but is ALSO willing to face just about any consequence so she can be honest about her past with her new husband. If she didn't say anything, how would he know? He wouldn't.

I'd try.

36

Re: Help.

If she is so nice and honest and willing to face consequences, why did she wait untill after the marriage?

thats plain old dupage.

37

Re: Help.

i think the girl should not have volentered this information.
It can be dangerous to ask questions about past , if you like a person you accept them for who they are.
Cant believe she told him ,what a dumb woman, what was she trying to achieve by saying this after getting married,say it b4 marrying or shut up forever.

Your friend is obviously naieve to ask advice from others for what should be a matter between husband and wife.

38

Re: Help.

That is a naive question. She didn't know the guy well enough to tell him this, before they got married. Remember this was arranged. Telling him before the marriage, before she knew about his personality would have meant risking the world knowing about it. I'm assuming the guy hasn't told anyone in his family about this or the problem would have been worded differently. So she found out the guy was nice enough to not tell everyone,(OP doesn't count, because the man has to share this with someone) and she confessed.

Telling him about it was stupid though. Lying about it would not have hurt anyone, so she should have kept her mouth shut. Or she did it on purpose to get rid of the guy. What's the logic of telling the guy after they get married, it happened before they were together. She doesn't have a kid from that, whatever. So what was the point. The guy can't even walk away now without hating himself for it. So what was the point?

39

Re: Help.

You’re not meant to say but you’re not meant to actually lie if asked either.. It’s one of those situations which is a bit of a grey area and I’ve read it’s better to just remove yourself without giving too much info (before nikah obviously :D)

I think it’s assumed most ppl would have the common-sense to deal with these situations without causing harm to the other party..

40

Re: Help.

Thats exactly what i was saying lol