His influence is really strong on me. When I was applying to university, he told me to go to one particular place and even though I initially didn't want to, I did it. I spent the whole of the first term totally regretting my decision and it's only now I'm slowly coming to terms with it (qadr of Allah) but this is exactly what I don't want happening regarding all of my other decisions in my life. I listen to him so readily that I would have actually not gone to medschool if it wasnt for the fact I had already applied by the time he told me.
Just typing this is making me feel so upset. I honestly feel trapped between a genuine guy who is the only person I've ever imagined being with vs. everything else that makes up my life
His influence is really strong on you? Do you feel he's a bit controlling or pushy at times? Does he have a "my way or the highway attitude?" Just because you consider someone your best friend, doesn't mean that you blindly follow their advice. Where is your own confidence? You need to develop some trust in yourself as as well. You know yourself as an individual better than him. Have some faith in your own decisions as well......he's not always going to be right. A lack of confidence on your part could be a part of the problem here.
He's not going to "let" you work?? I just can't let that go!
Stop thinking from your heart (only thinking of your romantic memories together) and think from your brain!
Now looking at the "bad points" on your list, only two of them are major:
-have very different mentalities and ideologies
-wont let you work
The rest I think you can handle as long as you both support one another and BOTH remember to compromise.
So going back to the 2 major negative points; If your mentalities are SO DIFFERENT how did your relationship last this long? Did one partner sacrifice more than the other? And if working is SO IMPORTANT to you (since you're going to medical school) how can you live with a man who is going to dictate you NOT working?
Maybe secretly you don't want to work??
I too started dating my fiance at 14, now i'm 22 and he's 23, he was most of that time in Pak and I in the States and now our families are moving towards marriage. But even though we were born and raised in two separate societies, we don't have a different mentality from one another. SO it is so hard for me to imagine your relationship working without one partner making most of the sacrifices and this being a realistic relationship.
Ohh just read your 2nd post and you saying he has great influence over you. Even applying to colleges!! Sorry princess but this is a fail in way too many ways. You need to take control of your life FIRST, then see if he's worth having around!
His influence is really strong on you? Do you feel he's a bit controlling or pushy at times? Does he have a "my way or the highway attitude?" Just because you consider someone your best friend, doesn't mean that you blindly follow their advice. Where is your own confidence? You need to develop some trust in yourself as as well. You know yourself as an individual better than him. Have some faith in your own decisions as well......he's not always going to be right. A lack of confidence on your part could be a part of the problem here.
Thing is I do have a lack of confidence in voicing my opinions to him which is funny because everybody who knows me here in the UK knows me as a confident and outgoing personality. When I'm with him though it's like automatically I default into just agreeing with stuff that he says.
When he first told me that he wasnt comfortable in me working, he asked if i agreed or not and I just automatically agreed. It took me a while afterwards to realise that no I don't agree..
There's a whole issue of lack of communication as well between my terrible Urdu and him not understanding my British accent.
I do believe strongly that family should come first above a career, but I strongly wish to create a balance between them in my life. If that means taking a break from work whilst the kids grow up, so be it. But to not be allowed to work full stop is too much for me, and make me wonder what other restrictions I'l have.. At the moment I'm a sociable person who gets actively involved in the community.. It's not like I want to get locked up (ok he prob wont completely lock me up but ya get the idea)
He's not going to "let" you work?? I just can't let that go!
If your mentalities are SO DIFFERENT how did your relationship last this long? Did one partner sacrifice more than the other?
We do both share a lot of the same values. I respect him for a lot of characteristics: his maturity and wisdom in difficult situations, his sense of responsibility, (both of which can be rare to see here) his sense of humour etc I think that likewise he sees things in me, and thats why we've lasted so long although it has been a rollercoaster ride.
Ohh just read your 2nd post and you saying he has great influence over you. Even applying to colleges!! Sorry princess but this is a fail in way too many ways. You need to take control of your life FIRST, then see if he's worth having around!
I knowwwww. I can never admit to anyone except anonymously on the internet the real reason why I chose the university that I did. Epic fail
Hi I'm a new member of this site. I've been reading posts for a while and have now finally plucked up the courage to post here.
I'm looking for serious advice about the situation i'm in:
Basically I've been in a relationship with a first cousin of mine for the past five years (since I was fourteen) It was initiated by him and I immediately fell head over heels for him. Our relationship has been very up and down throughout. He's based in pak whilst I'm in the uk. More times than I can remember I have become incredibly scared at what I'm doing, freaked out and told him it was over. I have always ended up going back to him and apologising. He's been patient with me but I know it's breaking him inside and there's only so much a guy can take.
Now recently our rishta is slooowlyy getting organised.
I'm in a real dilemma concerning what to do about this rishta and our future. The bad points are:
we obv have very different mentalities and ideologies
in order for a couple to get along their thinking should match (not entirely) but to some extent otherwise either the marriage doesn't last or they end up living a robotic life.
he's very bright and capable mA but still hasn't been able to secure a job
why are you worrying about your job now. you r doing med. and once u become a doc you will get a job. how old is he btw?
he wants to settle in pak whereas that just scares me.
this should come after wards. living in pak isnot bad at all. but i can understand since u have lived all your life in yk so it can be difficult for you.
im studying medicine and hes clearly told me that i wont be allowed to hav a job after marriage. He did try to discourage me from starting medschool
now you really need to think about this. you are studying med-payin soooo much fees for it to get what? just a certificate/degree? ofcourse not you are doing med because this is teh career u wanted and so that you can work as a doc, earn money, help ppl etc etc.
i have no experience of living with extended family since they're all based in pakistan. I am thus terrified of family disputes and how to deal with pakistani mentalities. Being a typical desi wife sounds suffocating to me.
*again i'll say dont stress yourself about that. you need to sort our other things first.
*
Good points:
I've been with him for so long that our romantic memories are so damn deeply rooted within me
he's the only guy i'v ever loved truly and i know i'm the same for him (childhood sweethearts lol)
I've thought this through so many times over the years but I still don't really know what to do. He's aware of how I feel and has tried reassuring me to have faith in God and not to stress out too much right now. I guess it's female nature to worry and I just don't want to regret the decision later on.
thats true that u love and he loves but you are not going to live on love all the time. if i was you i would have spoken to him cut and clear as to that i will do a job and that i have no plans to move to pak. well moving to pak could be possible but "no job"isnot. and if he still said no u cant work and u will have to come to pak. then i will end this relationship here rather than this relationship turning into a nightmare after marriage.
**now finally if you think you have that stamina and patience then go ahead.
A few months ago I did try to tell him clear cut that I would like to work as a doctor or I don't think we should marry. He perceived it in a completely different manner and felt that the way I was talking to him was like I was giving orders in a controlling and imposive manner. He was sooooooooooooooo offended. I had no idea that pak men hav such pride issues otherwise I would have phrased it differently. It must have really hurt him because we ended up having the biggest argument we have ever had and he said things that hurt me a lot. I was hundred percent going to leave him for good but was stopped by his tears. It takes a lot for a guy like him to cry so I know how much he wants me really.
Thing is I do have a lack of confidence in voicing my opinions to him which is funny because everybody who knows me here in the UK knows me as a confident and outgoing personality. When I'm with him though it's like automatically I default into just agreeing with stuff that he says.
^You need to talk to him about your concerns, discuss options/ways of managing them. Him telling you what you should do and you agreeing automatically.....is not a discussion or even a healthy relationship.
Your situation reminds me of one of my friends. She met the when she was 16....and he was 7 years older than her. She married him at 18. They have 3 kids and are still married.....but she feels frustrated and has some resentment........and sometimes wishes that she had married much later in life so that would have been more sure of herself as an individual.....know her own mind....as opposed to agreeing with anything and everything her husband would say or believe. And in her case...it was more than just being young.....she's not very confident either. So, sort things out with him...have your parents discuss things with him....talk to your parents about your concerns as well. Don't rush into this. Take a break and really really really think everything through.
^That resentment is exactly what I fear. I will think it through carefully. I forgot to mention he's 8 years older than me, so there's the age difference as well.
Thankyou all for your advice. I will definitely think it through carefully. It's been nice to hear impartial outsiders' opinions :) Thankyou
A few months ago I did try to tell him clear cut that I would like to work as a doctor or I don't think we should marry. He perceived it in a completely different manner and felt that the way I was talking to him was like I was giving orders in a controlling and imposive manner. He was sooooooooooooooo offended. I had no idea that pak men hav such pride issues otherwise I would have phrased it differently. It must have really hurt him because we ended up having the biggest argument we have ever had and he said things that hurt me a lot. I was hundred percent going to leave him for good but was stopped by his tears. It takes a lot for a guy like him to cry so I know how much he wants me really.
SO yeh. Can't do that again toba toba
not all pak men are like that its his personal thing. basically he doesnot want you to work so even if you had said it with bunch of flowers in your hand he would have been offended than too. princess you really need to standup for yourself. if he really loves he would understand every point you say. one thing i dont get is that he really wants you yet he cant accept your wish.
A few months ago I did try to tell him clear cut that I would like to work as a doctor or I don't think we should marry. He perceived it in a completely different manner and felt that the way I was talking to him was like I was giving orders in a controlling and imposive manner. He was sooooooooooooooo offended. I had no idea that pak men hav such pride issues otherwise I would have phrased it differently. It must have really hurt him because we ended up having the biggest argument we have ever had and he said things that hurt me a lot. I was hundred percent going to leave him for good but was stopped by his tears. It takes a lot for a guy like him to cry so I know how much he wants me really.
SO yeh. Can't do that again toba toba
Wow, I hadn't even read this post of your before.
While I still think you should talk to him....... at the same time....tbh....I don't have a good feeling about this.
I don't know what "hurtful" things he said to you, but I don't think that there's anything hurtful about you expressing your views on something that you have every right to do. I dunno....I don't think tears are necessarily a sign of "wanting you badly"....they can also be used as a manipulation/control strategy.
Oh gosh!!! Any 20-something guy wouldn't be "dating" a much younger girl if he didnt think he was able to control her or mold her into what HE likes or wants... in other words a manipulative control freak who can't get a girl his own age/close to his age.
…I don’t think the age difference is something that you “forget” to share. To me, it seems like something you may want to avoid sharing as it can lead to strong reactions and a discussion of valid concerns that you don’t want to deal with.
Take a guy’s point of view here. This person you’re talking about sounds like a total jerk to me. He won’t listen to what you want and will resort to emotional blackmail to have his way. I really can’t see why you didn’t dump his sorry ass earlier, grow a pair will you?
Not to mention, this guy must’ve been a real pervert to hit on a 14yo girl. I mean I’m a pervert too but I have to take my hat off to this guy . Bravo.
I forgot to mention he's 8 years older than me, so there's the age difference as well.
Want some legit advice from a guy? Bail.
He was 22 and you were 14. That is disturbing to be honest. I mean in this day and age that is wholly inappropriate. Let me lay down some points for you to consider.
He had/has no game and was/is socially awkward. He hooked up with a 14 year old when he was 22. Sheesh!
He has successfully groomed you throughout this time. You practically obey him.
He knows how to work you. He cries, you run back to him. He's proper gotten into your head.
He will suffocate you emotionally. I can say that with about 99.9% certainty. Odds you don't want to walk in with.
You have difficulty imagining a life without him because you have never lived another life. He practically nipped you straight at the bud!
Let me make a few uneducated guesses. I might be wrong but I want to take a shot anyway.
He tells you that you guys are special. You guys have true love or whatever. He cares for you more than anything. But you are the one who needs to compromise.
He has problems with you socialising with other males. He has problems with you doing anything with the opposite sex. He probably gets mad then apologizes.
He talks about religion and what not all the while behaving in a not-so-religious manner with you. I might be way out field with this and I apologise if I'm wrong but I think you've had conversations bordering on dodgy with him.
He gives you the whole guilt trip whenever you argue. He's been with you for so long. He's invested so much into the relationship.
Sorry if I seem a bit harsh. But I just don't buy that dude.
I doubt if any of us can give you a good advice, you have been with him for years now, you know him well, he knows you well.. so follow your heart and do the isthikrah as well.
well i guess thats a good approach... step aside from all these thoughts and clear your mind... take a break and rethink what you wana do and what your priorities are in life... at 19 you are still young dont rush into anything ... but just an advice that people are really important in life all these material things can be compensated... but its a bitter fact that these material things are part of life as well... so dont be on any extreme...
you said you 2 are good friends then best is to talk to him and bluntly share things with him and try to find a solution suitable for both... if it works then proceed otherwise pull out for good and move on with your life...
One important thing... sometimes we do get excited with things we have considering thats the best we can have ... so dont get carried away life has lot more to offer ... try to neutralize your brain and think rationally about all the pros and cons and inshallah you'll find the solution :)
…I don’t think the age difference is something that you “forget” to share. To me, it seems like something you may want to avoid sharing as it can lead to strong reactions and a discussion of valid concerns that you don’t want to deal with.