Help Needed

Lifestyle Relationships
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41

Re: Help Needed

er...i'm a guy, and its not about taking sides, its a bout giving sound advice.

42

Re: Help Needed

dont matter you sounded like one :P
mazak mazak

43

Re: Help Needed

My husband cooks/clean and every time he helps me around the house, it just makes me care for him even more. I respect him even more for it.

And what is a husband's responsibility towards his wife?

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Re: Help Needed

To the OP -

I think you messed up by marrying her from what I am reading.

I wish we had some answers for you but unfortunately people online can only know and advise on so much.

I do believe you need some external help now...things are getting out of control. It does not sound like she is interested in making this marriage work. At all. Even though she is a mother now.

Now that you are a parent, you cannot afford screw ups. You cannot afford to let things slide and then blow up one day when your kid is 12 years old.

This behavior is not okay. Her selfishness is not okay. If she wasn't happy, she should have been more responsible and not had a baby. If what you're saying is all true...you've got to make some decisions and lay down some laws.

45

Re: Help Needed

to take care of the wife to provide for the wife the kids and agar khandaan bara hai toh papa mama aur dada dadi.

46

Re: Help Needed

What does this mean? Provide and take care of wife?

47

Re: Help Needed

nothing you'd understand :)

48

Re: Help Needed

Just trying to look at this from the wife's pov.

When OP cleans house once a week it listed as I hoovered, swept, mopped, dusted, took 15 steps to get to second floor of house. But when wife gets up she simply comes downstairs with baby. Who fed baby in the night, changed diapers first thing in the morning, washed the dirty sheets after baby threw up at 2am etc? Also OP says she cooks during the week but she also does this with baby on hand and probably cleans the house a million times in between OP's weekly cleaning.

I don't know the history and why there is resentment for family but I would advise OP try to focus on wife's activities instead of his own only. Why is he going each night for prayers alone? Is wife made to stay home cuz the baby is too small for late night prayers? the entire post was about OP's good actions with no thought given to why wife might have misinterpreted the whole thing.

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Re: Help Needed

For the uninitiated, here’s a review of the OP’s frustrations with his wife:

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/relationships/662302-what-to-do.html
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/relationships/663643-sorted.html
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/relationships/663454-common-courtesy.html

Quiet frankly, from what I can tell from what the OP has posted, he has been willing to listen to advice given to him on this forum, and else where in his offline life. He has communicated advice given to him to his wife, and he has just hoped that she will change. Unfortunately for him, and the most for his baby, his wife is unwilling to change herself, before for the sake of her marriage, and now for her child. I feel really, really, really sorry for the poor baby, who did not ask to be born in such a family. If OP is really willing to make this work for his child, then he has to lay some strict ground rules, and be steadfast in them. He can’t bend over backwards to accomodate his wife’s whims, because now there is an innocent child involved in this entire thing. You can’t blame everything on hormones. She’s not a 13 year old girl who’s going through hormonal change for the first time in her life. She’s a grown ass adult with a child now with some life experience. She needs to get some prespective and stop being so selfish. Ball’s in OP’s court. You married her yes, but what are you willing to do now for your child?

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:smack:

51

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Of course! No one could ever understand the suffering of the bichara single dude who isn't even married yet.

Uff...zalim samaj.

52

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Ok, an update.

After she locked the door I slept downstairs and didn't talk to her for 3 days and just stayed sleeping downstairs, well to be honest none of us spoke to the other because I asked her for the keys twice and she didn't respond so I did not bother speaking to her after that. Anyway we started speaking on Monday but did not actually talk about any of our issues, I just said to her that you cannot leave midway through a conflict and behave in such a manner, it is not like I was swearning, shouting or being physically abusive.. I decided I would talk to her the next day when we are both less emotional.

The next Morning she text me that she will be going to her parent's house to pick up an item and essentially spend some time with them. I replied stating the other day we were invited to the house of my sibling and you said that our child cannot go to any of my family houses and now you are taking her to yours, this is not fair and I do not agree whatsoever. If you apply a rule then you apply it equally across the board and that tonight we will discuss your concerns. She replied that she meant only our siblings houses and not parents and that she has had enough of me controlling her and is leaving to stay at her mothers and that 'when I am ready to talk to her I will need to go there'.

She then started texting me that she wants me to discuss matters there and that her family will then know how bad of a person I am, how I make her feel, about my manipulative ways and that this is the reason why I have never wanted to discuss matters with her family (yet I discussed them with a Shaykh which was NOT behind closed doors?). I told her that talking to families is not an option that will yield any results whatsoever and I refuse to go down that path. I gave her 3 options: either we talk in person, we talk with our teacher from before or we choose any marriage councillor, I have not received a response to this and it has been 4 days.

During the course of these texts I said to her that I do everything for her sake, I do the domestic work, visiting her family, helping out whenever I can. She just responded that it is not her responsibility to the the house chores and that I do the domestic work not for her but for my mother BUT my mother has been abroad for 4 months so who else do I do it for? Then she said that I do not help her family for her sake but 'for your one mission and that is to earn brownies with God'?? She accused me of having pakistani views that I will not come to her parents house even though she decided to go after I told her to stay to discuss matters, she said that because of me she has broken more peoples hearts than ever before (because she cannot be at her parents all the time) and her letting people down (because essentially she cannot visit all the time), she also said that she is scared of asking me to stay over at her parents when we have stayed over 3 times in the last two months?

I really do not understand what I am to do, this is a farce now. I even said to her that if she comes back we will move straight away, the same night. I also said that regarding her other issue of amily then we will not speak to each others families for a certain time and sort ourselves out but she was not having any of that either.

I know that I will contact her to see my daughter but anything after that I do not have a clue, this is a joke now.

The major mistake I have done is that I was suppose to move before Ramadfhan to the hose we are renting but for those 4 weeks I did not do anything due to the month itself, although I did manage to buy some appliances for the house.

But the issue is far deeper than moving. It just never stops.

Oh, I have also been accused of a bully, funny because our teacher said I have no control whatsoever.

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1

54

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When our child was born I wanted to started changing the nappies but my wife said that I cannot until the baby gets older so I still have not. My wife hardly ever expresses into a bottle so she has always told me not to work up at night BUT even then I will work up (not all the time) and ask her whether she needs help even though I know I am not needed.

She is on her own when I am at work. My family are nearby and she does not want the help, I have mentioned they can come over but not really interested at all.

This was one of the few occasions that I did not tell her in advance and it was for an hour. I agree with you view of the communication issues.

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In all of this, where is the new born child? Who is taking care of a new baby? Did you even see him (or her)? Did you get to hold your own baby? I can't comprehend how you are still SO focused on your wife when there is an innocent life in the balance in the middle of it all. For crying out loud, this is NOT about you and her anymore. This is about your baby. You are parents!! A child can not and will not thrive in such an environment, when the parents not only don't see each other let alone talk to each other for days, but don't even consider the mental welfare of the baby. Please, I am urging you, at this point you need to consider your newborn child. The time of reconciling for the sake of marriage is all gone. Now it's time for you to be a parent, a father, and think what is best for your kid. And trust me, if your child grows up in the environment you're describing, you're not going to have a happy kid, no matter how religious, or irreligious he grows up to be.

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This woman does not want to be married. I don't think she ever wanted to be married.

I agree with the poster above...stop thinking like a husband...start thinking like a father.

57

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Welll..you see..i doubt that she will ever change. And agree with Reha..i dont think she was ready for commitment when she married you. And..she doesn't seem to think ever that she has made mistakes. Now stop being doormat to her. Think of your daughter. In her family's eyes...no matter what you do..you are a bad guy. Regardless of what you do and say to them.
As i stated in my initial post somewhere..these narcassit people just don't see anything wrong with their behaviour and actions..because in your wife's house..she is a victim. She perhaps always been made feel victim in her own household. And that is the mistake her parents alike make.

"One of my really good female friend told me that..aurat kay haath mein bahot kuch hota hai..wo apko tuur bhi saktee hai or bana bhi saktee hai." Aap intekhaab kis aurat ka kartay hain..wo aap per hai..."

58

Re: Help Needed

We were separate for a week. After a number of messages back and forth I stated to her that we have 3 options: we can talk to each other but this has not worked in the past as the same issues come back again and again, we can speak to the scholar frm before but that has not really worked or we can speak to the psychiatrist who is a professional marriage councillor. I didn't hear back from her for four days until i asked to see my child. I saw my child in the park and asked why she has not replied to my message and she stated that she was happy to speak to a councillor but i did not message her in the correct manner i.e the message came across negative so I read and re-read the message and there was absolutely nothing wrong.

My wife is now back and we are buying items for the new house we are renting. I have allowed her to pick whatever she wants, I let her make the decision on everything we buy. She has previously stated that her behaviour is due to her ot having her own place, even though in our current house my mother has been abroad for 4 months. I do not know what will happen at the meeting but I am going to move into this house and let her purchase whatever she wants even if it does kill me inside as I firmly believe the issues have nothing to do with the house but she does not want to to admit anything.

Let us hope that the visit to the councillor bears some results, one way or the other.

I am going to the councillor for the sake of my child as I firmly believe that the child will thrive in a healthy environment with both parents but naturally this is the last attempt at figuring out whether we should be together or not. I am scared that if it doesn't work then yes, I will be unable to see her everyday but also what environment she will grow up in

59

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Let me tell you something. Even if a child grows up in a house with 2 parents, if there is no love between the parents, and there is constant bak bak and chukh chukh, that is not a healthy environment. Kids are extremely astute, and they can pick up on the tiniest differences between their parents. And that affects them negatively. The early years of a child are the foundation years. What they see, hear, experience defines them as an adult. And unfortunately they do internalize things. If a kid sees her parents fighting, she will think it's because of her. Even if it has absolutely, positively nothing to do with her. Do not delude yourself that you are doing your child a favor by insisting on staying with a woman that doesn't want to stay with you. Yes, you should try to make amends, maybe try increase the love your wife has for you, and try every option that is available to you before the inevitable. But don't think you have to stay together for the sake of the child. And you live in a country that is always in the favor of the welfare of a kid. You need to build your case. If it is better for the child to be with you, you need to start gathering that proof right now so when and if that time comes, you have a stronger case to present, stronger than hers which will simply be "I'm her mother". Do not live in the belief that you may not get custody of her if that time or situation comes. That's a defeatist attitude. You've worked so hard on trying to keep your wife happy, work equally hard to try to keep your daughter with you, even if it means she doesn't live with 2 parents.