Help Needed

[PapuChiri2020]

Re: Help Needed

Why do I need to ask my mother? As a woman who has been married for years to a man who helps with household chores (including cooking and cleaning), I am very familiar with how women feel about a man who cooks/cleans.

You still haven't mentioned where you learned this "undocumented fact" from? Is this something you learned from you mother or the other women in your family?

Well obviously yes! From my mom and grand mom. They said if I enter the kitchen I'm no longer a man. They said "Daffa ho ja tut phaineyaaa, kitchen ich ki kerda peya eh" and I'm like "Dadi ji meinu bhuk laggi je" and she would sey "Ni Sheedaan kithay mar gayin eh munde nu roti dey" and then I never entered the kitchen again.

I think i'd be castrated if I touched the vacuum.

LOL I'm joking, they didn't say that. But my mom did tell me that a kitchen is no place for a man.

[PapuChiri2020]

Re: Help Needed

I was listening until you said she deserves to be hit. That's not cool man, not even with a twig.

I don't think spending a night in a motel would be a good idea with the the amount of crazy his woman brings to the table. Just give her the silent treatment.

Dude think about it. She's treating him like crap. He should follow procedure of teaching his wife a lesson. Islamicaly.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: Help Needed

Dude think about it. She's treating him like crap. He should follow procedure of teaching his wife a lesson. Islamicaly.

She's not his kid. He doesn't need to teach her a lesson. He does need to communicate to her that her behavior is unacceptable and I don't think hitting her is going to accomplish that. What if she hit him back? Would that be alright? When it comes to religion, there are things you follow then there are those you just read and ignore. Hitting your woman is something you just don't do. I'd rather just leave if things are bad enough to make me wanna hit her.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: Help Needed

Well obviously yes! From my mom and grand mom. They said if I enter the kitchen I'm no longer a man. They said "Daffa ho ja tut phaineyaaa, kitchen ich ki kerda peya eh" and I'm like "Dadi ji meinu bhuk laggi je" and she would sey "Ni Sheedaan kithay mar gayin eh munde nu roti dey" and then I never entered the kitchen again.

I think i'd be castrated if I touched the vacuum.

LOL I'm joking, they didn't say that. But my mom did tell me that a kitchen is no place for a man.

Naw. You don't have to a master chef but you gotta know how to make something that'll fill you up, something basic. Stuff you wouldn't eat if you had a choice but would eat if there was nothing else there. This way it's your woman telling you not to cook and you don't have to make excuses. That said, she knows you don't need her to stay fed as you can make food that does the basic job of filling you up.

[PapuChiri2020]

Re: Help Needed

Naw. You don't have to a master chef but you gotta know how to make something that'll fill you up, something basic. Stuff you wouldn't eat if you had a choice but would eat if there was nothing else there. This way it's your woman telling you not to cook and you don't have to make excuses. That said, she knows you don't need her to stay fed as you can make food that does the basic job of filling you up.

Seamless

[LP]

Re: Help Needed

I have never met a man pick up a glass of water off the table.

This explains it. I feel sorry for you.

[PapuChiri2020]

Re: Help Needed

This explains it. I feel sorry for you.

No I'm sorry if my views don't match with your quintessential feminist ideals of equality.

[LP]

Re: Help Needed

No I'm sorry if my views don't match with your quintessential feminist ideals of equality.

Dude think about it. She's treating him like crap. He should follow procedure of teaching his wife a lesson. Islamicaly.

So you talk about Islamic behavior only when it suits you ?
Read about how prophet Mohammad (PBUH) helped in the chores. It is a sunnah to help in the chores.
After reading it talk about who a man really is.

[PapuChiri2020]

Re: Help Needed

So you talk about Islamic behavior only when it suits you ? Read about how prophet Mohammad (PBUH) helped in the chores. It is a sunnah to help in the chores. After reading it talk about who a man really is.

I doubt prophet's wives acted in this manner towards him. And there is nothing wrong with cleaning your house as long as your wife is not throwing up a sh*t storm. I said I've never seen a man clean his house or do chores, doesn't mean I wouldn't do them. How did you deduce me not doing any chores from me saying that I haven't observed any dude clear their houses. I've seen plenty of dudes clean their cars religiously. I clean my car by myself, is that a sort of chore? Should I ask my wife to clean my car?

What OP should do is according to our religion is advise his wife of her rights. Then he should be absent from the bed, and if she still acts a foo then he should lightly and symbolically beat her with a twig (Lightly) which in this case wont be good for OP because she'll then beat him with a baseball bat.

[LP]

Re: Help Needed

And there is nothing wrong with cleaning your house .

Thank You for acknowledging it :)

[Chaachi]

Re: Help Needed

maybe she has postpartum depression. also I think there's uncommunicated issues between your mom n wife. most likely it's misunderstanding but look into it.
post partem hormones can be really weird. could be just that. take her to doc n tell whole thing.

[zero69cool]

y

But however thats a girls job a wifes job u talking about prophet he even said if I could say it I would have told women that ur heaven is at ur husbands feet. Or something like that. How about that u women do not want to acknowledge

[zero69cool]

[quote="PapuChiri2020, post:90, topic:345580"]

And there is nothing wrong with cleaning your house .

Thank You for acknowledging it :)
[/QUOTE]

But however thats a girls job a wifes job u talking about prophet he even said if I could say it I would have told women that ur heaven is at ur husbands feet. Or something like that. How about that u women do not want to acknowledge

[zero69cool]

[quote="redvelvet, post:201, topic:344340"]

Yikes. Have you looked into the possibility of postpartum depression?

This is beyond that. She clearly has some resentment towards him and his family and he needs to find out where it started or he is not telling us the entire story. They clearly need counselling to figure out what started this.
[/QUOTE]

Shes a girl not a jigsaw puzzles that he needs figure out. :P

[zero69cool]

Re: Help Needed

First of all, I would like to apologise at the below could be very long and full of grammatical errors etc

I don't know where to start...

We have had many issues in the past but I think i'll mention 2 of the msot recent (over the last couple of weeks)

1. Woke up on a Sunday and whilst my wife was asleep with the baby I cleaned the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms as well as hoovered the whole house and then I mentioned to her that we need to go into town to look for a bed. Any way after going to a few places we got back and I went upstairs and rang my mum who is in Pakistan. Now my mum has been there for about 4 months and this was the second time I was speaking to her so after a 10 minutes conversation I came downstairs with the laptop and mentioned to my wife that we should continue to look for beds on-line as we haven't looked at all on-line. She just sat there with a face and then just erupted. 'You deceive me', 'you're a liar' you're a dic*. Here I asked what she called me and she replied again with the same and then she said 'you know what I said' I asked here what the problem was and she mentioned why did you go upstairs to speak to your mum so I said calmly that she is my mother and i can speak to her whenever and wherever I want and all the doors were open so I did not hide my conversation, the baby was asleep downstairs and I end up having to shout to get my words across and Finally you never ask about my mother in all our marriage so why should I bother to ring in front of you. At this point she got really agitated and said 'your mother never bothered with me, so why should I bother'. Rather then go further into an argument I said to her what is the problem then, you can talk to your mother whenever you want and I can talk to mine whenever I want. At this point she put my child into the pram and said she is leaving, I was shocked and said to her for what reason but she left. 5 minutes she came back, blamed me for everything, that she is the way she is because of me and then suddenly burst into tears and apologised for her behaviour.

2. Woke up as above and did pretty much exactly the same thing but this time when we got back she asked what we should eat to open the fast and I said to her that I have been called to open my fast at my sisters house by my brother in law as they want to do a dua for his mother who passed away on this day a few years ago, he has called 3 - 4 men and that once done I shall come back or I may eat there. She flipped and said that I cleaned up all the house so that I could go to my sisters house and that I am a liar and a deceiver, I replied to her that why would I need to clean the house to go to my sisters house for an hour, it does not make sense. She complained that I do not spend any time with her at all during ramadhan. I said to her I finish at 6 and home for 7 and taraweeh starts at 11 so what do you want me to do? I have stopped reading he Qur'an when I get home, this was last year or the year before, all I do is come home and sit with you and my kid and that I have had this argument every ramadhan, I said to her I have memorised a few juz but none have been memorised at home because you always complain and I don't actually do any worship at all at home, nothing. She then complained that I take my nephew to the mosque at night which takes me an extra 5 minutes (he lives 1.2 miles away) and that why can his dad who does not go take him, I said no, he does not go himself and should I leave him and blame the father??, it takes me 5 minutes and I will go, she was not happy.

I got back from the dua (in total I was out the house for about an hour and I did not eat on purpose because she could have another excuse. I got back in and took my time eating cereal and a cup of tea, my wife asked me why I am taking my time to which I replied that I have decided from now on I will not go to mosque to pray at all and she started forcing me to go. I said to her you cannot one minute complain and shout the roof down and then now tell me to go and that I have decided that it is my worship and I am not going. She picked the baby up and put her in the pram and said I am leaving and if you do not go and pray I will leave you. I went and prayed.

1. My sister called everybody over to their house days after eid and so I mentioned it to my wife, I could see her facial expression change. First she complained that we have rented a house but I haven't done anything to which I replied I have bought a few items already. Then she went quiet and she then said that she refuses to go to anybody's house who does not bother coming to hers, I didn't understand as my sister and her husband have been twice since the baby has been born. Anyway I just said that ' it is fine if you do not want to come then I will go and take my daughter'. She then started swearing and got extremely loud whilst holding the baby stating 'my child will not go anywhere without my permission', 'having a child does not give you a key pass to take her wherever you want', 'I will never let her go anywhere without my permission' and the weird thing is that we live on the same street as some of my family and I have only taken the child there once as it is literally less than a minute walk. She also said that that 'do you think you have had a child and now you can just pick her up and go down the road to your brothers house?'. I wasn't really shocked at her behaviour during the argument as that is her. I replied that if the baby needs your permission then she also needs my permission and if she cannot go with me then she cannot go with you and that means that she cannot go either to your family houses or my family houses and none of our families can come here, that is fair for the both of us. She then went quiet. I said to her that I would like to hold the baby and she jumped up, said 'she is my baby and ran upstairs to the bedroom, banging both the doors and locking the bedroom door, it was locked all night so I slept downstairs'

In each argument she would not let me hold the child at all.

I want to know what am I doing wrong here? Is it me, if it is then I need to know what it is? What do I need to fix about myself? Why must my child be used in such a manner? when she was going crazy I could see the eyes of my child just looking at what is going on?

My routine Sat - Spend the whole day at home, make breakfast together, basically do everything together, wherever we go outside Sunday - I wake up at 8-9am - clean both bathrooms, mop lounge and kitchen, wash and dry clothes, hoover the whole house and iron the clothes - try to do all before the wife comes down with the little one. I do all this so there is no domestic work during the week Mon - Fri - I go to work from 9-6 - stay at home in the evenings except for prayers in the mosque - wife cooks in the evening and I mostly help but pretty much always wash the dishes. The cooking is normally done on one day and it lasts a couple of days (rice etc) and then one day we will eat out etc

Is there anything I should be doing that I am not. I feel as though I am living as a single person as I do everything myself. If I do not do it my wife will BUT she will say the usual stuff about her doing everything in an argument, like recently at my in-laws she had to say that she wished I could cook to which I replied that I am always helping you but that is not good enough for her.

Is this normal behaviour, I see no rational explanation for this at all

I am actually stuck now and just do not know what to do.

Everything is an issue

Bro with all respect you need to figure things out right away sit her down talk her though and ask her to be calm and listen to you first and then give her opinion if that aint working out involve her parents or siblings to sort out the situation and if that doesnt work out once or twice then you need to put the whole scenario in front of her parents and end this. because like @PapuChiri2020 said shes a psycho sorry. but alot of these women have this kind of mentality and they will only listen to their head which is totally corrupted by either someone who is feeding their brain or by the whole up bringing.

was your marriage arranged ? i ask because if it was by love you could have seen it coming.

[diamond321]

Re: Help Needed

in my opinion you should stop taking "no" from her. When she tells you that she is not coming to your sister's house tell her that it's not an option , you both are husband and wife and are supposed to visit family together. She is a part of your family and a visit to your sis's house would be incomplete without her. Just tell her that no ifs and buts and still if she does not understand you don't visit her side of the family next time with her. May be then she will understand.

Also tell her to not use your kid in your fights , I think I read twice or thrice in your post that she puts the kid in the pram and says that she is going. Tell her that the kids belong in her own house and that she will not go anywhere else.

You need to make her understand that apart from being her husband you also have relationship with your siblings and parents and also with Allah and she should respect it. You cannot live life according to her desires, she is your wife and she has a very very important place in your life but that does not give her the right to do things that she is doing.

Household chores does not matter what matter is the understanding & mutual respect b/w you and two.

[fabled]

Re: Help Needed

First of all, I would like to apologise at the below could be very long and full of grammatical errors etc

I don't know where to start...

We have had many issues in the past but I think i'll mention 2 of the msot recent (over the last couple of weeks)

1. Woke up on a Sunday and whilst my wife was asleep with the baby I cleaned the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms as well as hoovered the whole house and then I mentioned to her that we need to go into town to look for a bed. Any way after going to a few places we got back and I went upstairs and rang my mum who is in Pakistan. Now my mum has been there for about 4 months and this was the second time I was speaking to her so after a 10 minutes conversation I came downstairs with the laptop and mentioned to my wife that we should continue to look for beds on-line as we haven't looked at all on-line. She just sat there with a face and then just erupted. 'You deceive me', 'you're a liar' you're a dic*. Here I asked what she called me and she replied again with the same and then she said 'you know what I said' I asked here what the problem was and she mentioned why did you go upstairs to speak to your mum so I said calmly that she is my mother and i can speak to her whenever and wherever I want and all the doors were open so I did not hide my conversation, the baby was asleep downstairs and I end up having to shout to get my words across and Finally you never ask about my mother in all our marriage so why should I bother to ring in front of you. At this point she got really agitated and said 'your mother never bothered with me, so why should I bother'. Rather then go further into an argument I said to her what is the problem then, you can talk to your mother whenever you want and I can talk to mine whenever I want. At this point she put my child into the pram and said she is leaving, I was shocked and said to her for what reason but she left. 5 minutes she came back, blamed me for everything, that she is the way she is because of me and then suddenly burst into tears and apologised for her behaviour.

2. Woke up as above and did pretty much exactly the same thing but this time when we got back she asked what we should eat to open the fast and I said to her that I have been called to open my fast at my sisters house by my brother in law as they want to do a dua for his mother who passed away on this day a few years ago, he has called 3 - 4 men and that once done I shall come back or I may eat there. She flipped and said that I cleaned up all the house so that I could go to my sisters house and that I am a liar and a deceiver, I replied to her that why would I need to clean the house to go to my sisters house for an hour, it does not make sense. She complained that I do not spend any time with her at all during ramadhan. I said to her I finish at 6 and home for 7 and taraweeh starts at 11 so what do you want me to do? I have stopped reading he Qur'an when I get home, this was last year or the year before, all I do is come home and sit with you and my kid and that I have had this argument every ramadhan, I said to her I have memorised a few juz but none have been memorised at home because you always complain and I don't actually do any worship at all at home, nothing. She then complained that I take my nephew to the mosque at night which takes me an extra 5 minutes (he lives 1.2 miles away) and that why can his dad who does not go take him, I said no, he does not go himself and should I leave him and blame the father??, it takes me 5 minutes and I will go, she was not happy.

I got back from the dua (in total I was out the house for about an hour and I did not eat on purpose because she could have another excuse. I got back in and took my time eating cereal and a cup of tea, my wife asked me why I am taking my time to which I replied that I have decided from now on I will not go to mosque to pray at all and she started forcing me to go. I said to her you cannot one minute complain and shout the roof down and then now tell me to go and that I have decided that it is my worship and I am not going. She picked the baby up and put her in the pram and said I am leaving and if you do not go and pray I will leave you. I went and prayed.

1. My sister called everybody over to their house days after eid and so I mentioned it to my wife, I could see her facial expression change. First she complained that we have rented a house but I haven't done anything to which I replied I have bought a few items already. Then she went quiet and she then said that she refuses to go to anybody's house who does not bother coming to hers, I didn't understand as my sister and her husband have been twice since the baby has been born. Anyway I just said that ' it is fine if you do not want to come then I will go and take my daughter'. She then started swearing and got extremely loud whilst holding the baby stating 'my child will not go anywhere without my permission', 'having a child does not give you a key pass to take her wherever you want', 'I will never let her go anywhere without my permission' and the weird thing is that we live on the same street as some of my family and I have only taken the child there once as it is literally less than a minute walk. She also said that that 'do you think you have had a child and now you can just pick her up and go down the road to your brothers house?'. I wasn't really shocked at her behaviour during the argument as that is her. I replied that if the baby needs your permission then she also needs my permission and if she cannot go with me then she cannot go with you and that means that she cannot go either to your family houses or my family houses and none of our families can come here, that is fair for the both of us. She then went quiet. I said to her that I would like to hold the baby and she jumped up, said 'she is my baby and ran upstairs to the bedroom, banging both the doors and locking the bedroom door, it was locked all night so I slept downstairs'

In each argument she would not let me hold the child at all.

I want to know what am I doing wrong here? Is it me, if it is then I need to know what it is? What do I need to fix about myself? Why must my child be used in such a manner? when she was going crazy I could see the eyes of my child just looking at what is going on?

My routine Sat - Spend the whole day at home, make breakfast together, basically do everything together, wherever we go outside Sunday - I wake up at 8-9am - clean both bathrooms, mop lounge and kitchen, wash and dry clothes, hoover the whole house and iron the clothes - try to do all before the wife comes down with the little one. I do all this so there is no domestic work during the week Mon - Fri - I go to work from 9-6 - stay at home in the evenings except for prayers in the mosque - wife cooks in the evening and I mostly help but pretty much always wash the dishes. The cooking is normally done on one day and it lasts a couple of days (rice etc) and then one day we will eat out etc

Is there anything I should be doing that I am not. I feel as though I am living as a single person as I do everything myself. If I do not do it my wife will BUT she will say the usual stuff about her doing everything in an argument, like recently at my in-laws she had to say that she wished I could cook to which I replied that I am always helping you but that is not good enough for her.

Is this normal behaviour, I see no rational explanation for this at all

I am actually stuck now and just do not know what to do.

Everything is an issue

OP, I remember your previous threads too. Unfortunately, it looks like you took a wrong step in life marrying her. This is life, such things could happen with anyone. You are doing too much of house chores, which doesn't seem normal to me. Even with depression, a person doesn't explodes (too often) the way your wife does, towards his/her own spouse even if there exists even a little love or respect.

Perhaps, get some support from your family and be ready to pay child support for the sake of your mental well being. Otherwise, keep on compromising and keep on trying to justify her behavior and live a life full of stress and questions....

But before taking any extreme step, do as someone suggested above, less house chores and less communication (means less struggle to make her understand your point of views)

BY the way, do you guys ever have pleasant moments throughout the week?

[NaanGuard]

Re: Help Needed

@PapuChiri2020

This biwi got a really cool dude and she’s treating him like this? She deserves to be hit with a twig albeit lightly. Symbolically.

I know you don’t actually mean to hit her, but watch this video with nouman ali khan about hitting women

Hitting Women - That's Messed Up - Nouman Ali Khan

[Xtron]

Re: Help Needed

This sounds like extreme depression issue on her part. Your wife needs too see counsellor or psychatarist. Surely it is not normal what you described. And the fact you written so long...tells me how pareshan you have been. Bro...i think...it is time to talk to her with her family members. Ya probably want to keep this between you too...but i do suggest that..you have a talk with her mom. Have her over there as well...

[zero69cool]

Re: Help Needed

@NaanGuard

I know you don’t actually mean to hit her, but watch this video with nouman ali khan about hitting women

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1azySjz4edk&feature=share

Oh comon yall he didnt really mean to actually hit her. sigh yall women

you cant see the trauma the guy is going through because of his wife you still taken her side whats wrong with you women.