Help Needed

Lifestyle Relationships
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First of all, I would like to apologise at the below could be very long and full of grammatical errors etc

I don’t know where to start…

We have had many issues in the past but I think i’ll mention 2 of the msot recent (over the last couple of weeks)

  1. Woke up on a Sunday and whilst my wife was asleep with the baby I cleaned the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms as well as hoovered the whole house and then I mentioned to her that we need to go into town to look for a bed. Any way after going to a few places we got back and I went upstairs and rang my mum who is in Pakistan. Now my mum has been there for about 4 months and this was the second time I was speaking to her so after a 10 minutes conversation I came downstairs with the laptop and mentioned to my wife that we should continue to look for beds on-line as we haven’t looked at all on-line. She just sat there with a face and then just erupted. ‘You deceive me’, ‘you’re a liar’ you’re a dic*. Here I asked what she called me and she replied again with the same and then she said ‘you know what I said’ I asked here what the problem was and she mentioned why did you go upstairs to speak to your mum so I said calmly that she is my mother and i can speak to her whenever and wherever I want and all the doors were open so I did not hide my conversation, the baby was asleep downstairs and I end up having to shout to get my words across and Finally you never ask about my mother in all our marriage so why should I bother to ring in front of you. At this point she got really agitated and said ‘your mother never bothered with me, so why should I bother’. Rather then go further into an argument I said to her what is the problem then, you can talk to your mother whenever you want and I can talk to mine whenever I want. At this point she put my child into the pram and said she is leaving, I was shocked and said to her for what reason but she left. 5 minutes she came back, blamed me for everything, that she is the way she is because of me and then suddenly burst into tears and apologised for her behaviour.

  2. Woke up as above and did pretty much exactly the same thing but this time when we got back she asked what we should eat to open the fast and I said to her that I have been called to open my fast at my sisters house by my brother in law as they want to do a dua for his mother who passed away on this day a few years ago, he has called 3 - 4 men and that once done I shall come back or I may eat there. She flipped and said that I cleaned up all the house so that I could go to my sisters house and that I am a liar and a deceiver, I replied to her that why would I need to clean the house to go to my sisters house for an hour, it does not make sense. She complained that I do not spend any time with her at all during ramadhan. I said to her I finish at 6 and home for 7 and taraweeh starts at 11 so what do you want me to do? I have stopped reading he Qur’an when I get home, this was last year or the year before, all I do is come home and sit with you and my kid and that I have had this argument every ramadhan, I said to her I have memorised a few juz but none have been memorised at home because you always complain and I don’t actually do any worship at all at home, nothing. She then complained that I take my nephew to the mosque at night which takes me an extra 5 minutes (he lives 1.2 miles away) and that why can his dad who does not go take him, I said no, he does not go himself and should I leave him and blame the father??, it takes me 5 minutes and I will go, she was not happy.

I got back from the dua (in total I was out the house for about an hour and I did not eat on purpose because she could have another excuse. I got back in and took my time eating cereal and a cup of tea, my wife asked me why I am taking my time to which I replied that I have decided from now on I will not go to mosque to pray at all and she started forcing me to go. I said to her you cannot one minute complain and shout the roof down and then now tell me to go and that I have decided that it is my worship and I am not going. She picked the baby up and put her in the pram and said I am leaving and if you do not go and pray I will leave you. I went and prayed.

  1. My sister called everybody over to their house days after eid and so I mentioned it to my wife, I could see her facial expression change. First she complained that we have rented a house but I haven’t done anything to which I replied I have bought a few items already. Then she went quiet and she then said that she refuses to go to anybody’s house who does not bother coming to hers, I didn’t understand as my sister and her husband have been twice since the baby has been born. Anyway I just said that ’ it is fine if you do not want to come then I will go and take my daughter’. She then started swearing and got extremely loud whilst holding the baby stating ‘my child will not go anywhere without my permission’, ‘having a child does not give you a key pass to take her wherever you want’, ‘I will never let her go anywhere without my permission’ and the weird thing is that we live on the same street as some of my family and I have only taken the child there once as it is literally less than a minute walk. She also said that that ‘do you think you have had a child and now you can just pick her up and go down the road to your brothers house?’. I wasn’t really shocked at her behaviour during the argument as that is her. I replied that if the baby needs your permission then she also needs my permission and if she cannot go with me then she cannot go with you and that means that she cannot go either to your family houses or my family houses and none of our families can come here, that is fair for the both of us. She then went quiet. I said to her that I would like to hold the baby and she jumped up, said ‘she is my baby and ran upstairs to the bedroom, banging both the doors and locking the bedroom door, it was locked all night so I slept downstairs’

In each argument she would not let me hold the child at all.

I want to know what am I doing wrong here? Is it me, if it is then I need to know what it is? What do I need to fix about myself? Why must my child be used in such a manner? when she was going crazy I could see the eyes of my child just looking at what is going on?

My routine
Sat - Spend the whole day at home, make breakfast together, basically do everything together, wherever we go outside
Sunday - I wake up at 8-9am - clean both bathrooms, mop lounge and kitchen, wash and dry clothes, hoover the whole house and iron the clothes - try to do all before the wife comes down with the little one. I do all this so there is no domestic work during the week
Mon - Fri - I go to work from 9-6 - stay at home in the evenings except for prayers in the mosque - wife cooks in the evening and I mostly help but pretty much always wash the dishes. The cooking is normally done on one day and it lasts a couple of days (rice etc) and then one day we will eat out etc

Is there anything I should be doing that I am not. I feel as though I am living as a single person as I do everything myself. If I do not do it my wife will BUT she will say the usual stuff about her doing everything in an argument, like recently at my in-laws she had to say that she wished I could cook to which I replied that I am always helping you but that is not good enough for her.

Is this normal behaviour, I see no rational explanation for this at all

I am actually stuck now and just do not know what to do.

Everything is an issue

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Re: Help Needed

Doesn't seem normal.

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Re: Help Needed

She thinks she owns you and therefore can treat you however she wants to treat you. You've already tried reasoning with her and that hasn't worked, has it?

I'd recommend you stop doing the household chores, at least temporarily. Make sure you have your laundry and stuff taken care of but that's it. When she brings that up during arguments tell her you didn't think she cared if you did housework or not cause she never said anything good about you doing that. Don't be at home all day on the weekends. Go out, do something, do anything. When she brings it up let her know you stay out for her sake because you don't want to bother her with your presence. She's been putting you down for a while now, it's time you return the favor.

And this might mean not being able to spend enough time with your kid but hopefully she realizes her f up soon and you'll eventually be able to get the time with your kid you desire so much.

And keep conversations minimal. Don't beg, don't grovel, don't ask what you can do to make things better. Say what needs to be said and that's it. Don't get into long drawn out arguments. Listen to what she has to say then think. Think some more, enjoy the silence. When you do answer try to say things that will make her think about her actions. You not doing something is not about you wanting or not wanting to do it. It should be about her behavior making you think she doesn't care about or doesn't like you being at home, cooking, cleaning, whatever and that you don't want to bother her.

That's an understatement.

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Re: Help Needed

Was this an arranged marriage? Looks like you got yourself some psycho biwi. Was she like this before shaadi?

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@Difficulty

How long ago did your wife give birth? Does she have ANY help at all during the week with the baby while you're at work? Or is she alone with the baby anytime you're out of the home (for work or otherwise)?

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Re: Help Needed

Yikes. Have you looked into the possibility of postpartum depression?

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Re: Help Needed

Besides postpartum depression, you guys always had the issue with communication long before the baby came, neither of you communicate with each other or make collaborative decisions. If my husband has to go somewhere, I know in advance, I am not told two hours before the event and vice versa.

You guys have somehow brought a child into this world but have miserably failed to establish a respectful loving relationship with each other. I would strongly suggest that you two need to sit down and figure it out before it all ends up.

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Re: Help Needed

This is beyond that. She clearly has some resentment towards him and his family and he needs to find out where it started or he is not telling us the entire story. They clearly need counselling to figure out what started this.

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Also lay off on the cleaning part too. You have to display dominance.

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Seriously ! :rolleyes:

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It’s a fact (disputed) that women do not respect men as much when they cook and clean. Not being a chauvinist here. No offense to the guppans.

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Would you like to provide some sources for this "fact"?

Speaking of women who have no respect for the men in their lives......how's your GF doing?

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Lol yeah you can be a keyboard warrior online. She wasn't my girlfriend, she was someone who was introduced to me by my parents. And I'm sure she's doing fine.

And it's an undocumented fact. Ask your mother she can always clarify if a woman respects a man who cooks and cleans.

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Re: Help Needed

Seriously what? The rationale for laying off cleaning might be a bit misguided, however, the OP’s wife needs to be reminded that he’s doing his part. And what better way to do that than not cleaning and letting her notice. The OP isn’t asking for much in opinion. All he wants is a little freedom, some time with his kid and for his house to not feel like a torture chamber. He’s willing to pitch in when it comes to doing chores and is reasonably accommodating.

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Re: Help Needed

I've never met a reasonable man willing to clean his entire house and let alone the bathroom and that to twice. What has happened to men?

Hey man OP just stop cleaning the house. Go to iHop or something.

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I don't wanna agree with you but I have noticed this with the limited number of couples I know. You have to have your list of things you just won't do and another of things only you take care of. That said, being a complete ass isn't good either. It's all about walking that fine line between being too helpful and not caring at all.

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Re: Help Needed

I think if your wife is being a complete ass for no reason, you have to be an equal ass. You have to ass her out (not literally, well literally). If someone is being an ass to an amazing husband who cooks and cleans and cleans the freakin' bathroom. Who does that? I have never met a man pick up a glass of water off the table. This biwi got a really cool dude and she's treating him like this? She deserves to be hit with a twig albeit lightly. Symbolically.

OP dude you gota not come home for a day, spend the night in a motel somewhere. Scare her out of her mind and she'll get back on track.

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	 			 				:rotfl:

Reminds me I need to clean mine(bathroom) before I leave for Pakistan. I’m probably gonna start a thread asking for cleaning products.

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I was listening until you said she deserves to be hit. That's not cool man, not even with a twig.

I don't think spending a night in a motel would be a good idea with the the amount of crazy his woman brings to the table. Just give her the silent treatment.

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Why do I need to ask my mother? As a woman who has been married for years to a man who helps with household chores (including cooking and cleaning), I am very familiar with how women feel about a man who cooks/cleans.

You still haven't mentioned where you learned this "undocumented fact" from? Is this something you learned from you mother or the other women in your family?