help me to learn how to let go

Lifestyle Relationships
1

i got married 3 months ago and so far MA, everything is going smoothly with my husband. He is a nice and especially patient person. He knows how to calm me down and dont take things to heart.

I, on the contrary, take everything to heart. I am over sensitive and have a tendency to cling on the hurt feelings. I get overly upset on ting that seems small for others but that seems big for me.

I am extremely loyal so when i sense someone who doesn’t show their 100% to me, i feel deeply upset.

I had a rough time in my parents home. I was the responsible one who would do everything for my parents and sibling. Trying to solve each issues and this mainly meant i was earning for others. I easily sacrifice for others but somehow i expect it back.

Ever since I got married, I have this feeling that my father, to whom i am extremely attached, does not care for me. He doesn’t bother calling me a lot and I know that is his character but it hurts me. If we talk on the phone, he is stressed, depressed. Loads of ongoing issues that I am aware of and its killing me on the inside that i cannot help them anymore. If i try to suggest anything, the response i get is that you are no longer part of the family and i should concentrate on my own husband. But how can I when i see them so depressed. If they really dont want me to be involved then why cant they simply have a nice conversation with me. All i want is to hear that they are fine. and i wish they were fine. But since they are not, i have started this guilt feeling that i have married at the wrong time. I hate it when I am being told that what do you know about our issues. How can I not know or feel the gravity of the situation? It’s like I have never lived in that house.

My over emotions attitude makes my father and elder sister go away from me as they find my behaviour annoying. The fact that i cry non stop and cling on minor things like why no one calls me or cares for me when they are going through so much annoys them

When i confronted my father, that i felt his affection towards had changed ever since i married, he claims that i have changed. I want him to ask me how things are going with my married life, if I have any issues. But he says he can clearly sees I am happy so why I am creating fuss over something non existent.

I take things to heart way too much. Now that me and my dad have ‘supposedly’ patched up, I still was thinking all night about the fact that he said I had changed a lot after my marriage.

And all this is affecting my marriage as i cannot be in a good jolly mood with my husband. I do take his words to heart as well. He will be so happy with me but only one critic and i get hurt.

How can help myself and be able to let go. I dont want to end in depression over small petty things.
I want to be able to forgive forget and move on , especially that I am due a visit to my parents house soon.
I know it is an issue. So please help me be stronger. I am tired of being screamed at or mocked of whenever i cry. My intention is never to create drama but my crying always end up in big family fights and the reason of me being hurt is ignored and deemed ridiculous.
I really wish to have my full concentration on my husband with having the guilt feeling that i dont assist my family.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

also the reason that i started to get upset frommy father was that i stated to compare myself with my sil in the two months i was in pak. It was my first time away from my parents, and i expected my dad to call and check on me. but he hardly did as he wanted me to adjust with my inlaws first. and while i was there, my fil would call his daighter daily to check on her and that is 3 years after she is married. So my mind started the difference.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

You have a victim mentality. You just need to accept the fact that people are different. They have different personalities. Your father is not like your fil but that doesn't mean he loves you less. You just need to stop thinking so much. Maybe you should read more Quran and focus more on your salah. Whenever you start having negative thoughts do zhikr of Allah. When a situation arises you need to mentally step back and realise it's not personal.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

You already know the root cause of the problem, your sentiments and the habit of not letting things go. Never compare your life with others (your SIL e.g.), all aspects of their life are different than yours. Take a close look at your fingers, are they of the same length? If yes then your Father should behave like Father of your SIL, if not then there is hardly any reason to expect your Father will do anything similar to other guy.

New marriages are tricky in any situation. I would suggest you to focus on your marriage for at least a year before looking somewhere else to contribute or help. Your parents will be happy when they'll see you happy in your new life. They have lived their lives before you were born, they will continue to live their lives after your marriage!

5

Re: help me to learn how to let go

i pray daily, but not the 5 times as i used to before. I dont read the Quran however.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

hmm but when i try to focus on the husband and mentioned my own life to my parents, I am told i changed and think of myself only.

it is the feeling that i am not needed anymore that i find it hard to deal with. I am used to take thigns in control when there are problems. Solve everyone issues and confort everyone. And now i am told that it has nothing to do with me so i should back off.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

I have a similar cousin who cries a lot and honestly she is causing a lot of problems for everyone by getting upset about everything. Her parents now dread her phone calls and her father had to tell her off that she was being cruel to her high blood pressure mother by calling and crying about everything. The sensitive behaviour has also negatively affected her married life.

So five years Into her marriage her parents, inlaws and her husband don't want to talk to her.

If you want to seriously not end up on the same road then you need to start examining yourself. You can feel however you feel but how you externally react is something you should also attempt to control.

Definitely prayer and meditation is in order. If you have faith then you should know that your prayers are worth more than all the financial, mental support you can give. Also give yourself breathing exercises and count to 10 before saying something. If you start crying excuse yourself and go to your room.

I also would permanently turn off my phone if my parents called everyday. It might work for some people but definitely not for others. And your parents by not being too interfering are looking out for your interests because while you might want daily phone calls but your husband might get so annoyed by them that he might hating just the mention of your parents.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

time to try to get to EXPERT LEVEL in Russian Roulette

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

Then back off. Don’t be a control freak. Your family has moved on, they’re grown up adults and I’m sure they can figure it out on their own. You don’t need to solve anything for them - when and if they need your help, I’m sure they will ask you.

Focus on yourself and your husband. There is no need to share every tid bit about your life with your family either. Over sharing with relatives can cause problems as well and I don’t know what you’re sharing which leads to “I am told i changed and think of myself only” :konfused: Khair, leave it. Enjoy these days, they will fly by fast. :slight_smile:

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

sibling feel i changed as i am not that they shouldnt expect gifts on every occasion we meet now and that i count money.I had told them to stop expecting gifts at every occasion when we meet because it isnt easy for me now that i have my own home.They keep on saying me and my husband are kanjoos when i know he tries but he doesnt really gifts his sibling either

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

Well isn't it right to think and care about yourself?

It's law of nature, everyone of us is dispensable. We are mere mortals, the world, including our families will be just fine without us.

People should be told to back off when they get involved too much. As an adult respect others' space and make them respect yours. There is a limit to everything and being a married woman you are expected to know this.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

Do your siblings earn? Do they have family (husband/wife)? Do they manage money to run a home? How can bunch of immatures upset you with these childish comments.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

not those who comment like this. I used to run the home with my dad. Now that i left, they remind that they have to contribute and they cant save whereas i had no access to my whole salary and was left in debt that i still pay now. I never use to mention it to them. i would help no matter what.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

You said:

"The fact that i cry non stop and cling on minor things like why no one calls me or cares for me when they are going through so much annoys them"

What is it that they're going through?

If you cry for no reason, you need to do the following:

  1. Good exercise daily routine which would make you sweat.
  2. Healthy diet which consists of mostly fresh fruits/vegetable, fruits juices/healthy smoothies, fish. Reduce if you cant remove eggs and beef from your diet.
  3. Recite Surah Fatiha and "Ya Lateef" frequently during the day. Also recite Aital Kursi alot especially when you get into that state of depression which makes you cry for no reason.
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Re: help me to learn how to let go

You should try to focus more on your prayers and try to read Qur'an it will help you. Even a few verses a day to start with, along with translation will help you.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

financial issues increase after i got married

Thank you for sharing the duwa. I will read them in additon to the ayat kursi.

I know i have a problem so ill do anything to help myself andf others.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

#1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) - Learn to defend your husband/marriage RIGHT now from people who are being jerks. You have a new family now (ie. your husband). While you still love your parents/siblings…your husband/marriage should be your #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) priority. Next time someone bashes your husband over something stupid like not getting a gift…tell them matter-of-factly that if they continue being disrespectful towards your husband in this manner, you won’t sit there and listen. Don’t cry or get emotional…simply state your position that you are on your husband’s side. If they continue to bash/argue…get up and walk out.

#2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) - Same goes with money. If someone complains about having to contribute to the household expenses…tell them to discuss this matter with your dad b/c you have your own family to worry about now. Remind them that they are adults and should find a way to solve their own problems instead of whining to you like a child. Stop allowing others to disrespect you.

#3](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) - Your parents and siblings are adults and don’t NEED you to survive. You helped them while you were living with them and that’s great. But if you had died 10 years ago…they would have found a way to continue living their life. They are capable of living their life and solving their own problems without your involvement. I get that this sucks to hear but this is the reality and you need to accept it.

#4](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) - By staying so focused on your PAST…you are going to ruin your present/future with your husband. Marriage is a major life event and yes, people do change after marriage. Just like people change when they have a baby. This is a part of life and nothing to feel bad about. Being a girl who lived with her parents and helped them was a chapter of your life that is over. It was a good read while it lasted…but its over now and time for you to move on to the next chapter of your life.

#5](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=5) - What do you do to stay busy? Do you go to school or work? Volunteer? Hobbies? Anytime I hear someone having so much time and energy to mull over stuff like this…I always think they have too much free time. Keep yourself busy.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

thanks for the advice.

I am a full time part qualified Accountant. i enjoy my job, am busy with my husband as he very much outgoing and relx type of person. All is fine with me until i think of my family and the guilt feeling starts

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

seek counselling with one of the psychologists or psychiatrist.

why can't you still help your parents financially [not as much as before] with whatever you can? you may consider visiting him once in a month if you live the same city. i think your father is at fault also by not caring anymore in terms of making calls to you. he must also not tell you all of his issues but rather tell you "we have some issues but don't worry we can handle it".

i think you should talk to them to agree to see a psychiatrist to help them with their depression.

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Re: help me to learn how to let go

You really don't understand why a desi father is refusing to take money from a married daughter? Especially since the wedding happened 3 months ago?