seek counselling with one of the psychologists or psychiatrist.
why can't you still help your parents financially [not as much as before] with whatever you can? you may consider visiting him once in a month if you live the same city. i think your father is at fault also by not caring anymore in terms of making calls to you. he must also not tell you all of his issues but rather tell you "we have some issues but don't worry we can handle it".
i think you should talk to them to agree to see a psychiatrist to help them with their depression.
i dont have enough as i have bills to pay and trying to pay off my debt. i have formed enormous debt that i need to repay through my salary while my husband is saving for visa expenses and rent. I feel it's not fair on him if I ignroe my debt and still offer financial help when he is new to the country and struggling to hit off a normal life with me.
You really don't understand why a desi father is refusing to take money from a married daughter? Especially since the wedding happened 3 months ago?
true, my father has never asked me money. Ever. He has always asked my input on things and writing letters, filling his paperwork and all. But never money. It was my own choice as a member or the house.
i dont have enough as i have bills to pay and trying to pay off my debt. i have formed enormous debt that i need to repay through my salary while my husband is saving for visa expenses and rent. I feel it's not fair on him if I ignroe my debt and still offer financial help when he is new to the country and struggling to hit off a normal life with me.
i understand your limitations but even a small help like $50 a month will show that you still care and are willing to help as best as you can.
remember one thing. they are part of your family as well and you can not ignore their financial as well as emotional needs. i agree that they should be more concerned to see you happy. if i were your dad, i would hide all my issues and present myself as a happy person just in order to see you happy.
since everyone handles his/her stresses/depressions differently so you have to give him this benefit that he can not handle it well.
isii liye maiN ne kahaa k aapko chaahiye k aap apne maaN baap ko is baat par razamand kareN k vo apnaa depression kaa 'ilaaj karvaayeN taa k vo log behtar zindagiyaaN guzaar sakeN.
i dunno which country you live and if medical expenses are covered or not. so, please consider taking them to a psychiatrist for help.
May Allah make things easy for you and your parents.
what you did for your family in the past is very commendable and everyone should appreciate it. marriage should not end the same level of care and love...do as much as you can.
parents are not gonna be there for ever...help them as best as you can. may Allah bless you and your husband for that. aameen...may Allah also keep you and your family happy and shielded from all the pains and hardships...aameen
^ you're right. parents are the most important person and this is why i get so upset when i see the lack of care from them. i know my life is incomplete without my father's support.
true, my father has never asked me money. Ever. He has always asked my input on things and writing letters, filling his paperwork and all. But never money. It was my own choice as a member or the house.
You need to put yourself in your father's shoes. The wedding was only 3 months ago. You are adjusting to a new life....well guess what....so is your father! I am the eldest in my family (no brothers) and my parents struggle financially so I understand where you AND your dad are coming from. I go through the same thing with my parents and it very frustrating.
Has it occurred to your that your father simply needs to vent? Do you want him to lie to your and say things are fine? Haven't you ever had a bad day and simply needed to talk to someone.....just to get your feelings/thoughts out? Have you thought that maybe your father simply needs you to stay quiet and listen....and not give advice?
Your father has never asked you for money. That tells me he has a certain amount of pride/ego. You have adult siblings who are working/contributing so this tells me your parents aren't in total despair. If they were in danger of losing their home, didn't have enough for food/bills etc, then I could understand you insisting on helping. By now you should realize how desi culture works when it comes to parents accepting financial help from married daughters. Can you imagine how your father must feel knowing that he himself cannot 100% support his family? You are so focused on your own feelings of depression...imagine how your father feels as a man/husband/father. How do you think he's going to feel if you insist on giving him $50/month? You think this is going to make him feel happier? You think this will make it easy for him to hold his head up high when he needs your husband/in-laws? Give him a sense of confidence?
Speaking of husband.....you have enormous debt and your husband/you are struggling financially. Have you discussed with your husband how he feels about you giving money to your family? Again....assuming your parents are not in total financial crisis.....how will your husband feel about your diverting money so early in the marriage when you two actually need it?
Allow your father to vent to you without giving advice. Learn to simply listen. Don't get emotional/cry and put your father in a position where he has to hide what's really going on in that house. This way, if there is a true emergency where they actually NEED money....you can insist on helping. As the saying goes.......pick & choose your battles. Focus on paying off your debt now and settle down with your husband. And build your savings. As your parents get older and your siblings get married.....there will come a time when your parents actually NEED money and your siblings are not in a position to contribute their entire paycheck. That's when you sweep in and help.
also the reason that i started to get upset frommy father was that i stated to compare myself with my sil in the two months i was in pak. It was my first time away from my parents, and i expected my dad to call and check on me. but he hardly did as he wanted me to adjust with my inlaws first. and while i was there, my fil would call his daighter daily to check on her and that is 3 years after she is married. So my mind started the difference.
I can totally relate with you as I went through the same thing myself. But you've already identified what the problem here is. You're overthinking and are in an emotionally volatile condition right now. I myself didn't move too far from my folks place (10 min drive tops),but in the early days of my marriage I would randomly burst into tears thinking about how "nothing will ever be the same again". Fortunately, my husband was very sweet and supportive.
Have you considered that maybe your dad doesn't want to have a "negative" impression on your husband ("izzat" and all that)? He may be your family now, but your dad and siblings still don't know him well and maybe they think by revealing their problems to you, they are making themselves look bad in front of your husband/in-laws?
Instead of waiting for your family to call you, why don't you call them instead? Tell them about what's going on in your life and ask them what they've been up to. My family is the same way. My mother has even said that she feels odd calling me when the hubby is home (as if she's intruding or whatever). I've tried to explain to her that I love hearing from her, but I guess that's just the way she is. So now, I try to call her everyday. I know she looks forward to it, because if I miss a couple of days, I get a worried phonecall from her. Don't overthink things. Your family loves you and things WILL settle down soon. These first few years of marriage may be really stressful at times, but they are also gonna be the best time in your life. Don't spoil them by obsessing over trivial things. Good luck! :)
I also read your post that you dont pray 5 times anymore. All of us miss some prayers but keeping all the five is in our best interest. Especially in your condition (crying for no reason/depression), the reason could also be poor circulation of blood to the brain. Praying 5 times helps normalize blood circulation towards the brain/face. So try pray all the 5 times and try to spend some extra time in sajda. That would help you fight depression InshaAllah. Also, ensure you're getting enough sleep because sleep deprivation also causes this kind of depression. Too much caffeine is one major cause of depression so remove it all together from your diet and replace fresh fruits and other healthy foods. You will feel so much better.
I think you're stressing over very petty things. Stop comparing yourself with others. Giving gifts is sunnah so take little things for your siblings whenever you can. Not necessarily expensive. It is the thought that counts.
financial issues increase after i got married
Thank you for sharing the duwa. I will read them in additon to the ayat kursi.
I know i have a problem so ill do anything to help myself andf others.
You are newly married and adjusting to life. Your feelings are normal. No one can start focusing more on another family more in a heart beat. These things happen gradually. On another note, your family seem to be inducing a guilt trip from you because they are used to getting money from you. The gifts especially they except each time is quite something. They say it's bad to be too good.
Be strong. Don't let them fleece you but keep yourself involved as much as your time and energy allows without letting it get toxic.
I also read your post that you dont pray 5 times anymore. All of us miss some prayers but keeping all the five is in our best interest. Especially in your condition (crying for no reason/depression), the reason could also be poor circulation of blood to the brain. Praying 5 times helps normalize blood circulation towards the brain/face. So try pray all the 5 times and try to spend some extra time in sajda. That would help you fight depression InshaAllah. Also, ensure you're getting enough sleep because sleep deprivation also causes this kind of depression. Too much caffeine is one major cause of depression so remove it all together from your diet and replace fresh fruits and other healthy foods. You will feel so much better.
I think you're stressing over very petty things. Stop comparing yourself with others. Giving gifts is sunnah so take little things for your siblings whenever you can. Not necessarily expensive. It is the thought that counts.
Im the eldest and when i moved away i found it difficult and worried about my mum alot (single parent as my dad passed away) i do speak to her everyday but if she doesnt message or call i dont stress her when i do speak to her that oh why didnt you call. As for money wise my mum i know struggles but alhumdulilah me and my siblings are quite helpful, its just one of those thjngs we take care of our expenses to lessen the burden
You need to learn to let go. Just focus on your marriage they will be happy knowing you are happy. As for your siblings for calling you kanjoos simple reply 'how about you gift me for a change since ive moved away and you all miss me so much' honestly its not just your responsiblity. And didnt you say in a previous thread that theyve planned stuff for 4 weeks for yoh and ur hubby? Are they paying or u?just learn to create a balance
Im the eldest and when i moved away i found it difficult and worried about my mum alot (single parent as my dad passed away) i do speak to her everyday but if she doesnt message or call i dont stress her when i do speak to her that oh why didnt you call. As for money wise my mum i know struggles but alhumdulilah me and my siblings are quite helpful, its just one of those thjngs we take care of our expenses to lessen the burden
You need to learn to let go. Just focus on your marriage they will be happy knowing you are happy. As for your siblings for calling you kanjoos simple reply 'how about you gift me for a change since ive moved away and you all miss me so much' honestly its not just your responsiblity. And didnt you say in a previous thread that theyve planned stuff for 4 weeks for yoh and ur hubby? Are they paying or u?just learn to create a balance
The last thing you want is ur marriage effected.
They have planned outings, but we will all pay for our own share which i am fine with as everyone earns.
You have a victim mentality. You just need to accept the fact that people are different. They have different personalities. Your father is not like your fil but that doesn't mean he loves you less. You just need to stop thinking so much. Maybe you should read more Quran and focus more on your salah. Whenever you start having negative thoughts do zhikr of Allah. When a situation arises you need to mentally step back and realise it's not personal.
Best advice. Everyone is unique. Accept it and move on.